Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[MIGrandma]

The tradition here is a reception with snacks after the funeral or memorial service. Maybe some mini-sandwiches included, but not really a full meal. However, if that is common in your community and is what your mother wants, that is what you should do. Don't deny her the last choice that she is able to make in life.

I would not deny her choices. Did you read post #28? Maybe if you had you wouldn't have said what you did.

As I said, she did not make any requests about a dinner after the funeral.

She wants a tradition visitation/funeral service and she is most definitely getting that, even though everyone else in the family would prefer a nice memorial service a month or two after she passes. Thankfully those are becoming more the norm here, rather than traditional funerals.

 

[sasywtch]

I read somewhere that it started in the stage coach days where neighbors brought dishes after a funeral or they all helped with rebuilding a barn, etc. All the funerals I have been to, you bring a dish. They usually have it at someone's home or at the VFW hall depending if you belonged. My aunt last year told my cousin who was her trustee that she wanted him to take some money out of her estate and have us all go to a banquet place and had a buffet type lunch on her. When both my mom and dad passed, I was in a fog. It did help with people talking and mingling. It didn't seem like it would help beforehand but it did. It's nice to know people care. I don't think I've ever been to a funeral where there wasn't a potluck type thing afterwards.

 

[elaine amj]

Interesting. Around here nobody thinks of bringing food to the wake/funeral. Wakes are typically held in funeral homes and there's no food involved. There is often a lunch at a restaurant, etc after the funeral. (that's what we did for my husband's grandma)

 

[Disney_traveler]

I feel like regarding I don't want a meal after a funeral and don't want to make small talk. I want to sit and reflect and make progress on my own.
Where I am there is ALWAYS a potluck after a funeral and everyone is invited to.
I know things are different everywhere, but if you think people will want to drop by and visit, you could do what we did. There were SO many family friends that brought food after the death was first announced and we KNEW it couldn't be eaten or would spoil or not freeze well, so we just warmed and set all of it out and people could come by and graze if they wanted to.
Now, as my grandmother is about to pass and my parents are getting up in years, I was talking it over with mom. I told her personally I wish I could lock myself in the house and put a mailbox and an ice chest on the porch. If you want to express condolences, write it doen and put it in the mailbox. If you want to drop off food, put it in the ice chest. If you don't want to come by or do anything, that's great too. I just prefer to be alone about it all.

 

[Mdsleiman]

Yes, very common in our church. They are called mercy meals and the family provides the food with the ladies of the church serving the food.

 

[amberpi]

I would not deny her choices.

She wants a tradition visitation/funeral service and she is most definitely getting that, even though everyone else in the family would prefer a nice memorial service a month or two after she passes. Thankfully those are becoming more the norm here, rather than traditional funerals.

I think its lovely you're honoring her wishes, even when you and the rest of the family would prefer something different. I don't think there's a proper way to have a funeral service or deal with the aftermath, just what works for you. Since you're doing what she asked, the rest should be what's comfortable. I'm sending you the best thoughts, I know how difficult things have been.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I would not deny her choices. Did you read post #28? Maybe if you had you wouldn't have said what you did.

As I said, she did not make any requests about a dinner after the funeral.

She wants a tradition visitation/funeral service and she is most definitely getting that, even though everyone else in the family would prefer a nice memorial service a month or two after she passes. Thankfully those are becoming more the norm here, rather than traditional funerals.

It goes against tradition in our family to have a memorial service a month or two later, but I'm beginning to think that's a great idea. Last January my step-dad's funeral in the frozen North country included a grave-side service in a snow storm. The family had to slip-slide their way through slushy roads both coming and going. Extended family stayed home because the roads were just too treacherous.

Last Saturday my cousin's funeral here in the Phx area included a grave-side service in 105F heat. The mortuary set up a canopy and had lots of seating. We had plenty of ice water but it was still miserable. The dearly-departed's MIL was from Oregon and asked how on earth we could live here. Good question.

In both those cases, it would've made a lot more sense to just schedule a memorial for later, when the weather is more cooperative.

 

[Kitty 34]

Around here it's usually cold cuts and maybe a dish to pass.......kind of like a potluck would be. Good luck with your planning, I know it's been a long long road for you.


ETA.....I'm from a small town where everyone knows everyone so bringing food to the local church is quite common for a funeral.

 

[Squirlz]

I'm in Michigan and I've never heard of it. But I've never been to a funeral here either.

 

[scrhsa]

For my Dad we had a visitation, funeral-at the church then to the cemetery, then some of his friends offered to do a great bbq for all the people. Then after that some people came over to Mom's and sat around and chatted and remembered my Dad.

What you have planned sounds perfect! Do what ever makes you comfortable.

 

[cluvsdisney]

Yes, there is usually some sort of luncheon following any funeral service I have attended. It is usually just family and closer friends but all are generally welcome.

But really, everyone should just do what they feel comfortable doing and I am a firm believer in letting those in mourning call the shots about things like this.

I am sorry this is something you even need to think about right now.

 

[BadPinkTink]

this sounds very like a real Irish funeral, very similar to what I have experienced all my life.

In Ireland, it is usually a 2 day "event" an open casket viewing, then prayers as the casket is closed and brought to the church. At the Church, those who didnt go to the viewing usually pay their respects to the family after the prayers. Then the next day, usually in the morning there is a Church Funeral Service and the coffin is brought to the cemetery for burial or cremation. There is usually a procession of funeral attendees to the cemetery. If it is near, less than a mile, usually in rural areas, the family and most of the funeral attendees will walk behind the hearse from the Church to the cemetery. In urban/ city areas, there will be a slow moving procession of cars behind the hearse. Its a mark of respect to the family and deceased that the funeral procession is allowed to pass through traffic.

After the burial, the family arranges food for the funeral attendees. Usually it is the immediate family and close friends / neighbours of the deceased. Depending on the family, they usually arrange food at a local hotel or restaurant. If the deceased was a member of a private sports club or similar type of club, the food is usually arranged for there.

The family usually know an approx number of who will join them for food. It is seen as a mark of respect to join the family, either to mourn the deceased or to support the family. Some people will automatically know they are included and are expected for the food, some people the family will specifically invite to the food.

Most times once the food has been eaten, people start drifting away. Depending on the family, they usually either invite people back to the main family home or stay for the rest of the evening in a bar. It might seem odd to Americans, but to Irish people, its celebrating and honouring the deceased person. As the drink flows, the deceased person comes back to life through songs and music, stories and memories. I will always cherish the stories shared by my dads friends and colleagues the night of his burial.

The cost of the food after the burial is seen as part of the funeral expenses.

 

[RedAngie]

A meal after a funeral service is quite common here, although it's a luncheon. I don't think I've ever heard of a meal that started after 2pm at the very latest. Everybody who attends the service receives a courtesy invite, but usually only family members and close friends choose to accept. I've never been to one at a church hall; it's usually at a private room in a restaurant or at some type of social hall, (Elks, VFW, etc.). Sometimes afterwards there is another very informal reception at some relative's house. Even fewer people attend that one.

If there is a viewing the previous evening, some relative usually has a gathering afterward for family members.

 

[mjkacmom]

Even though 99% of funerals here are formal wake, funeral Mass, grave service, repast, I'd LOVE to do a memorial instead

this sounds very like a real Irish funeral, very similar to what I have experienced all my life.

In Ireland, it is usually a 2 day "event" an open casket viewing, then prayers as the casket is closed and brought to the church. At the Church, those who didnt go to the viewing usually pay their respects to the family after the prayers. Then the next day, usually in the morning there is a Church Funeral Service and the coffin is brought to the cemetery for burial or cremation. There is usually a procession of funeral attendees to the cemetery. If it is near, less than a mile, usually in rural areas, the family and most of the funeral attendees will walk behind the hearse from the Church to the cemetery. In urban/ city areas, there will be a slow moving procession of cars behind the hearse. Its a mark of respect to the family and deceased that the funeral procession is allowed to pass through traffic.

After the burial, the family arranges food for the funeral attendees. Usually it is the immediate family and close friends / neighbours of the deceased. Depending on the family, they usually arrange food at a local hotel or restaurant. If the deceased was a member of a private sports club or similar type of club, the food is usually arranged for there.

The family usually know an approx number of who will join them for food. It is seen as a mark of respect to join the family, either to mourn the deceased or to support the family. Some people will automatically know they are included and are expected for the food, some people the family will specifically invite to the food.

Most times once the food has been eaten, people start drifting away. Depending on the family, they usually either invite people back to the main family home or stay for the rest of the evening in a bar. It might seem odd to Americans, but to Irish people, its celebrating and honouring the deceased person. As the drink flows, the deceased person comes back to life through songs and music, stories and memories. I will always cherish the stories shared by my dads friends and colleagues the night of his burial.

The cost of the food after the burial is seen as part of the funeral expenses.

It doesn't seem weird, that's how us Irish Americans do it. Cars stop for funeral processions in the US, although you will always get one or two who accidentally join in. My area is heavy on Irish and Italian, the only difference is at funerals and wakes, the Irish are laughing and the Italians are crying. When I was young, most of my friends were of Italian decent, and I was surprised by the hysterics at their wakes.

 

[bigbabyblues]

They are common here but only for the family. Typically, they are given by a church or organization the person was part of, no cost to the family. I have never heard of one being held in a restaurant here.

 

[Vicki926]

In my area a luncheon is the typical practice. It is usually announced after the graveside service and anyone in attendance is welcome.

Same here. My father in law passed away in June, and we had to book the repast. We had it at a private room in a nice restaurant. We had the wake, then the next day the funeral mass and then the graveside service, and invited all who were at the graveside service. It ended up being about 20 people.

 

[Albort]

i think it just depends on what OP family wants.
My grandma who just passed away, we had a dinner just family only. The funeral directors have said to us that if it was to end around noon, it might be a good idea to provide some kind of snack. Water(bottled) is provided though throughout the funeral.
My friend who has her father pass away basically threw a banquet. Rather than being sad, she wanted people to celebrate her father's life instead of being sad that he is gone.

So yeah, OP, u do what u want to do.

 

[pooh4evr]

Very common here, like others have said, visitation during an evening usually the first hour is for family, then about 3-4 hours for others. Typically someone brings snacks to the funeral home for the family to have during the visitation. Next morning family meets at funeral home, processes to church, funeral mass, then on to cemetery , followed by a meal at church, which is usually provided by the ladies group of the church. The meal is usually roast beef, chicken, maybe some sandwiches, salads, and other sides and desserts.

 

[jojo9610]

We just buried my father a couple of months ago. We as a family had to provide the food, set up AND serve the entire congregation. If I had known this beforehand I would have never agreed to it. This was a church he and my mother had been members of for over 40 years. Five years earlier at my mother's funeral the entire church pitched in and brought food so I thought the same thing would happen again. The last thing I wanted to do after burying my father was to serve food to over 100 people.

 

[mom2rtk]

We just buried my father a couple of months ago. We as a family had to provide the food, set up AND serve the entire congregation. If I had known this beforehand I would have never agreed to it. This was a church he and my mother had been members of for over 40 years. Five years earlier at my mother's funeral the entire church pitched in and brought food so I thought the same thing would happen again. The last thing I wanted to do after burying my father was to serve food to over 100 people.

That just seems so wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss.