Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[mjkacmom]

This sounds very...un-gracious. I could maybe see it if your family had no connection to that particular church, but given that your parents were long-standing members, it seems unduly burdensome on your family. Of course, you were probably caught between a rock and a hard place, since your parents were, in fact, parishoners, and it's not like anyone has the time or inclination to go church-shopping when they've just lost a loved one. You probably could have hired a caterer, but it seems like a huge expense on top of the funeral expenses--and again, who has time to hunt one down who can work on such short notice and then whip out the checkbook for the spare couple thousand dollars.

Well, here having a catered event is the norm, and businesses are used to getting last minute calls. My moms repast was planned three days in advance, about 100 people, I asked around on social media for appropriate venues. With the funeral costs of $10,000+, an extra $1000 or so didn't seem excessive.

 

[tarheel618]

I dunno if there popular but here it's more traditional. The church will make a dinner for the family after service. It's not usually posted in the paper the churches here don't charge for it.

This is common where I grew up. I didn't read all the post and OP I understand what you are saying. If you feel you need to do this, I would do it at the church or restaurant and not at your home. So people just don't know when to leave. At least at a place that is not your home, you can go for awhile and excuse yourself back to your home. If held at your home, you are hostage until the last guest leaves (I understand this is close family and friends but I need alone time to deal with stuff).

 

[aprilgail]

In NJ, when both my grandparents passed away my Aunt and Uncle had dinners after their funeral services.

I don't know about where I live in GA - The only person I knew who has passed away here, they did a private funeral. So I know we did take a casserole to their house a few days after the funeral. Pretty much that is what everyone did for them I discovered when the wife struggled to find space in the fridge for it.

What is up with all these people on here and bringing "casseroles" LOL?? I don't think I have ever had a casserole and certainly never sent or took anyone one. Typically things like trays of chicken parm, trays of ziti, trays of cookies, and things like that get sent but I never heard of anyone saying "I am brining a casserole".

 

[mom2rtk]

What is up with all these people on here and bringing "casseroles" LOL?? I don't think I have ever had a casserole and certainly never sent or took anyone one. Typically things like trays of chicken parm, trays of ziti, trays of cookies, and things like that get sent but I never heard of anyone saying "I am brining a casserole".

I think it's a regional thing. Chicken parm and ziti could be a NY thing. Casseroles are very big elsewhere

 

[aprilgail]

I think it's a regional thing. Chicken parm and ziti could be a NY thing. Casseroles are very big elsewhere

When I hear "casserole" I think of the 1950's and like Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best (saw them all on reruns).

 

[MickeyMinnieMom]

They have been popular here for quite some time. As my Mom is in the final stages of her life we are trying to get some plans made. We will be having one day of visitation (from 2-4 p.m. and 4-6 p.m.) then her funeral will be the next afternoon at 2:00. I don't plan on hosting a big dinner afterward though. Mom had one for my Dad when he passed in 2008, at their church. Everyone who attended the funeral was invited for the meal. She had to pay for the meat (the ladies of the church made sides/salads/desserts) and gave a donation to the church for the use of the dining hall. For me, it was very difficult to sit there and eat and then make conversation with people, it was very stressful so I do not want to go that route for my Mom.

At first DH and I thought about taking our adult children/grands (there would be 14-16 of us) to a restaurant but I really don't want to do even that, so what we are now planning to do is have a light meal catered in our home so everyone can just come back here after the funeral. I think the service and graveside service will probably be finished by 4:00 so then we'll come home and have the meal about 5:00 (sandwiches, salads, desserts). I want to have Mom's photo albums set out so we can all look at those if everyone wants to, and reminisce, etc. I think it would be nice, and a lot less stressful.

I read the obits in our local newspaper and see other early afternoon funerals so wouldn't think they would host a meal, and some are even private too. So, if you went to a 2:00 funeral would you expect to be invited to a meal afterward?

Sorry about your Mom. I would personally have no expectations one way or the other if attending a funeral. However, I'm from Montreal, Catholic family, and it does seem like there is generally a meal afterwards. My Dad passed away about 3yrs ago, my Mom about 2yrs ago. We held their services at a funeral home in our home town that has a lovely chapel and facilities downstairs to host a meal. We kept it all pretty simple -- catered a light meal as you're considering.

 

[Keli]

Dinners are held after virtually every funeral here but I wouldn't necessarily expect to be invited unless I was a close family member. It varies greatly on who is invited, some are just close family, some are all family, some are everyone who attended the funeral. But what I have seen happen is that a lot of extended family who attended the funeral but weren't invited to the dinner hosted by the family get together and go the a restaurant to visit since they rarely see each other. I saw one where the close family left their dinner to join the extended family because they wanted to hang out with everyone too. There are no rules to this sort of thing, just do what feels best to you guys. Coping is the name of the game.

 

[ronandannette]

Well, here having a catered event is the norm, and businesses are used to getting last minute calls. My moms repast was planned three days in advance, about 100 people, I asked around on social media for appropriate venues. With the funeral costs of $10,000+, an extra $1000 or so didn't seem excessive.

My sister was literally mad with grief when our brother died - completely not herself. We all contributed to planning his funeral in the standard, traditional ways of our family and community. She went way out into left-field and decided to have the reception catered by a restaurant he loved, which although it is virtually unheard of here, was OK in principle. But at $10/pp for 200 guests (finger sandwiches, veggie & fruit trays and cookies) the cost was excessive, not to mention it kinda offended the local church ladies who were waiting to "spring into action" as is the custom.

 

[sk!mom]

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

I wouldn't be going back to this church. That's ridiculous and super nervy!

 

[MIGrandma]

This is common where I grew up. I didn't read all the post and OP I understand what you are saying. If you feel you need to do this, I would do it at the church or restaurant and not at your home. So people just don't know when to leave. At least at a place that is not your home, you can go for awhile and excuse yourself back to your home. If held at your home, you are hostage until the last guest leaves (I understand this is close family and friends but I need alone time to deal with stuff).

I would much prefer to have our immediate family (just our adult children and grandchildren) come back to our home for the meal after the service. We considered a restaurant but there isn't one close by that has a private dining room, so there would be strangers sitting at tables close to us and I just don't want that. And since we are not having the pastor of the church my Mom used to attend perform her funeral service I wouldn't want to ask to have a dinner there. I would be much more comfortable in our own home. The meal will be catered and our son-in-law has already offered to go pick it up (unless the caterere will deliver, not sure on that yet) and I plan to have several of Mom's photo albums on the table for everyone to look at if they want to, and we will just eat and visit and reminisce about good times with Mom/Grandma/Great-Grandma. I won't care how long they stay, so no worries there. If I do feel the need to excuse myself for a moment or two, we have a big house so I can definitely get away if I need to but don't see that happening. To ME, and our kids have agreed, this will be the best for everyone.

I doubt there will be anyone coming from far away that I would feel the need to invite, and since the funeral will be at 2:00 and won't be a long one and the graveside service will be short as well it will probably all be over and done with by 3:30 - 4:00 so I doubt anyone will really "expect" to be fed. If they do, sorry, they can take themselves to a restaurant.

 

[sk!mom]

What is up with all these people on here and bringing "casseroles" LOL?? I don't think I have ever had a casserole and certainly never sent or took anyone one. Typically things like trays of chicken parm, trays of ziti, trays of cookies, and things like that get sent but I never heard of anyone saying "I am brining a casserole".

I think it's a regional thing. Chicken parm and ziti could be a NY thing. Casseroles are very big elsewhere

Definition of casserole

1. 1: a dish in which food may be baked and served
   
   
2. 2: food cooked and served in a casserole
   
   The term, "casserole" may be a regional thing but by definition it is simply food cooked in that type of dish. Chicken parm and ziti would both qualify as a casserole. As would lasagna, chicken and noodles, chicken pot pie, etc...

 

[mom2rtk]

Definition of casserole

1. 1: a dish in which food may be baked and served
   
   
2. 2: food cooked and served in a casserole
   
   The term, "casserole" may be a regional thing but by definition it is simply food cooked in that type of dish. Chicken parm and ziti would both qualify as a casserole. As would lasagna, chicken and noodles, chicken pot pie, etc...

And? Not debating what a casserole is, just the type of casserole that is typical in a given area. I imagine it is common as a gift to families after a death because it is in a single dish.

 

[amberpi]

What is up with all these people on here and bringing "casseroles" LOL?? I don't think I have ever had a casserole and certainly never sent or took anyone one. Typically things like trays of chicken parm, trays of ziti, trays of cookies, and things like that get sent but I never heard of anyone saying "I am brining a casserole".

I think the same thing. A lot of my friends have had kids recently, and friends will take food, but in all the online sign-ups I've never seen a casserole. Lots of green based salads with protein and maybe a carb if allowed/appropriate. FWIW, I always make a couscous dish with appropriate protein based on dietary preferences and a salad for mine. I live in the South...

ETA: Am I the only one surrounded by people who are GF, pescaterians, diary free, localvores, vegans, on and on?

 

[Gigi22]

When my dad died in the mid1980s, my parent had lived in the same neighbourhood for about 20 years. They knew everyone. Our neighbours very kindly brought my mother all sorts of food, I remember casseroles, a baked ham, homemade pies, and the most wonderful fudge. My mother didn't have to cook for a week, which was a great thing, because my dad died a week before the closing day on their new house. We had to pack!

 

[powellrj]

What is up with all these people on here and bringing "casseroles" LOL?? I don't think I have ever had a casserole and certainly never sent or took anyone one. Typically things like trays of chicken parm, trays of ziti, trays of cookies, and things like that get sent but I never heard of anyone saying "I am brining a casserole".

I was on my churches funeral meal list. My assigned dishes were funeral potatoes and corn casserole. When my name came up on the list I knew I would be called to bring one of those dishes. I always kept the supplies for those on hand. Sadly, I had to take my name off the list because I no longer drive and have no way to get the food to the church.

Over the years, the funerals I have attended will have fried chicken, chicken and noodles, ham, chicken casserole or meat loaf as the main dish. You will have a wide assortment of sides and lots of desserts. Drinks are always coffee, iced tea, lemonade and water.

I have never attended any kind of a dinner that had ziti or chicken parm and I have been to lots of dinners over the years. I had 3 kids so that was lots of sports meals, awards meal, you name it. If you want those dishes, you would have to go to a restaurant. On the other hand, I have had more than my fair share of casseroles and jello salads!

 

[amberpi]

To ME, and our kids have agreed, this will be the best for everyone.

That's the important bit, and what you're planning sounds lovely. Best thoughts to you.

 

[sk!mom]

And? Not debating what a casserole is, just the type of casserole that is typical in a given area. I imagine it is common as a gift to families after a death because it is in a single dish.

I apologize if I seemed to be debating or being rude. I was just clarifying for the poster who questioned casseroles.

I think the same thing. A lot of my friends have had kids recently, and friends will take food, but in all the online sign-ups I've never seen a casserole. Lots of green based salads with protein and maybe a carb if allowed/appropriate. FWIW, I always make a couscous dish with appropriate protein based on dietary preferences and a salad for mine. I live in the South...

ETA: Am I the only one surrounded by people who are GF, pescaterians, diary free, localvores, vegans, on and on?

You are not alone. It has actually made taking a meal a bit stressful. I want to help but I also want it to be something that they will enjoy and actually eat.

My sister and her DH are gluten free and mostly paleo but I know that their kids have a deep love of ChickfilA nuggets so when I was taking a meal to them not long ago- I took a nugget tray, a green salad, a caprese salad, and sliced watermelon.

This weekend, I took a meal to friends who had a new baby. I love meal train in that it often lists likes, dislikes, dietary needs. They preferred chicken dishes, nothing spicy, and no desserts so I settled on Chicken picatta, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli, and sliced watermelon and cantaloupe.

I'd love to settle on one go to meal but it seems that likes/dislikes have made that difficult.

 

[wenrob]

I think the same thing. A lot of my friends have had kids recently, and friends will take food, but in all the online sign-ups I've never seen a casserole. Lots of green based salads with protein and maybe a carb if allowed/appropriate. FWIW, I always make a couscous dish with appropriate protein based on dietary preferences and a salad for mine. I live in the South...

ETA: Am I the only one surrounded by people who are GF, pescaterians, diary free, localvores, vegans, on and on?

I'm only surrounded by them on the internet and a big part of that is because I belong to weight loss forum. I have two uncles that are vegetarian but I only see them every 5-10 years or so. They've been vegetarian my whole life though so I'm well versed in what they like. Oddly, they are not fond of salads. A standard go to for them is minestrone made with vegetable broth. Otherwise they like what everyone else does minus the meat so I just make a side dish of whatever I'm making with the appropriate substitute. When making a dish to bring somewhere I always ask about dietary restrictions but haven't really come across very many.

 

[shoney]

I was on my churches funeral meal list. My assigned dishes were funeral potatoes and corn casserole. When my name came up on the list I knew I would be called to bring one of those dishes. I always kept the supplies for those on hand. Sadly, I had to take my name off the list because I no longer drive and have no way to get the food to the church.

Over the years, the funerals I have attended will have fried chicken, chicken and noodles, ham, chicken casserole or meat loaf as the main dish. You will have a wide assortment of sides and lots of desserts. Drinks are always coffee, iced tea, lemonade and water.

I have never attended any kind of a dinner that had ziti or chicken parm and I have been to lots of dinners over the years. I had 3 kids so that was lots of sports meals, awards meal, you name it. If you want those dishes, you would have to go to a restaurant. On the other hand, I have had more than my fair share of casseroles and jello salads!

Here on Long Island Italian food is served most of the time at large functions including school or scouts and that type of stuff. I suppose it is cheaper and appeals to the masses. Potlucks are not common and most times the food is purchased from a pizzeria type place

The term casserole is not used we refer to them as trays. Getting a tray of ziti or chicken etc.

Casseroles make me think of some gross tuna noodle mixture made when I was a kid in the 1970's.

I know on the disboards pulled pork seems to be popular at parties. With the exception of myself serving it as just one of many choices at a BBQ I don't think I've ever been to a party that had it

And of course alcohol is served pretty much everywhere except at a kiddie party in a kiddie party place.

Sending homemade foods outside of immediate family and very close friends is also not soemthing that is done.

Honestly I wouldn't even know if a neighbors family member died.

 

[amberpi]

I'm only surrounded by them on the internet and a big part of that is because I belong to weight loss forum. I have two uncles that are vegetarian but I only see them every 5-10 years or so. They've been vegetarian my whole life though so I'm well versed in what they like. Oddly, they are not fond of salads. A standard go to for them is minestrone made with vegetable broth. Otherwise they like what everyone else does minus the meat so I just make a side dish of whatever I'm making with the appropriate substitute. When making a dish to bring somewhere I always ask about dietary restrictions but haven't really come across very many.

I swear I'm in the minority of people I know who just eat most stuff. I mean, I really hate mayo, try not to eat too much processed stuff and try to eat local, but I'm ok with getting DD coffee or eating nachos with plastic cheese sometimes too. Most of my friends are urban professionals/aging hipsters though so that may be a lot of it - and they will change things up. I know what they all "observe" and its not a big deal since if I'm on a meal train, I know what they eat, but I couldn't just show up with my favorite to go dish. I've stopped trying with the raw vegans, wish that would end any time. I'm just frustrated with the food question, between friends and dating the ever present "where are we are going this afternoon for drinks" question gets more and more complicated. The idea of being in @MIGrandma's shoes and having to figure out food for a cross section of everyone would make me nuts! @MIGrandma - you're doing amazing.