Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[mjkacmom]

There is almost always a repast here, ours was lunch after moms funeral. It was at a local restaurant, big private room, full buffet, we went with beer and wine instead of open bar. Our visitation was also 2 - 6, instead of the old 3 - 5 and 7 - 9 (or whatever the old times were).

To give you another perspective, after the repast, I was so happy to go to my empty home with my kids, my mom died at home with hospice, the days before her death were a stream of people saying goodbyes. I wanted to relax in silence.

ETA, the two weeks before she died were full of family and sandwiches, I couldn't look at another sandwich.

 

[NotUrsula]

As far as I know, both where I grew up in the South, and here where I live now, it is typical for Catholics to hold a wake at the family home or the church hall after the funeral. The family does not provide the food or the liquor, it is provided to them by those who come to offer condolences, though someone in the family might run out for soft drinks or ice. Normally when someone dies you end up with 50 casseroles, salads, and sweets like cookies (brought by neighbors and friends) before 24 hours have passed, and it's normal for the younger adult members of the family to arrange for that food to be served after the service. I never attend a funeral without gathering up something edible to offer to the family.

 

[wenrob]

Where I'm from it's traditional to have a potluck at the church after the service. Usually the church does it all and half the time they don't even know the people they are doing it for. I hate it. It's so impersonal and makes me uncomfortable that I have family members who are willing to let strangers take on the expense and effort for someone they don't know. Hypocrisy at it's finest.

More and more I've noticed the younger generations (say my folks age and younger) who are leaning more toward a very simple ceremony or none at all with a celebration afterward where you visit and remember good times. There's crying of course but there's lots of laughter too. This is what we did when my MIL passed. We had a fish fry and got hammered. She would have loved it.

From reading some of your previous posts I understand your mother wants a very traditional service. My heart goes out to you and I have deep respect for your willingness to follow through with that even if it's not what you prefer. The rest though, do what you are comfortable with. There are no hard set rules for when a loved one passes. If you don't want to go out to eat or have a dinner/potluck then don't. You don't have to cater to anyone when it comes to this. Follow your heart, do what will make things less stressful for you. I'm so very sorry about your mother. I wish you peace in the days to come.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Our church did a reception with dinner following the memorial service of a retired pastor who was a member of our church and would occasionally preach. We never call this type of an event a "funeral dinner", it's always a reception.

Unless it's a wake.

 

[scrapquitler]

It's fairly standard here to have a meal somewhere after the burial, usually it's more of a lunch kind of thing than a 'dinner' because most people have the burial in the morning. And the dinner is usually some kind of buffet, not a sit down plated meal. In my social group, it's generally held at either the Elks Club, the VFW, or a church hall, and it usually consists of something like salad, a pasta dish, chicken, roasted veggies and potatoes, and cake/coffee. Most people who do not do this have a sort of pot luck at home instead.

 

[Minnesota!]

Typically, there is a luncheon somewhere. There are traditionally wakes one night (usually 4pm - 8pm), then the funeral the next morning. After the burial, everyone goes to a location and has a catered (either by a restaurant or everyone pitched in or the church ladies do it) lunch. It lasts 3 or so hours and just is a time to visit and reminisce and grieve together. the last one I went to, in February, had funeral at 10, burial/prayer service at cemetery right after, then a catered lunch at a local, fancy, steakhouse. It was heavy apps and alcohol. Very typical.

 

[msjprincess]

We normally go out to a restaurant with family and close friends

 

[MIGrandma]

Where I'm from it's traditional to have a potluck at the church after the service. Usually the church does it all and half the time they don't even know the people they are doing it for. I hate it. It's so impersonal and makes me uncomfortable that I have family members who are willing to let strangers take on the expense and effort for someone they don't know. Hypocrisy at it's finest.

More and more I've noticed the younger generations (say my folks age and younger) who are leaning more toward a very simple ceremony or none at all with a celebration afterward where you visit and remember good times. There's crying of course but there's lots of laughter too. This is what we did when my MIL passed. We had a fish fry and got hammered. She would have loved it.

From reading some of your previous posts I understand your mother wants a very traditional service. My heart goes out to you and I have deep respect for your willingness to follow through with that even if it's not what you prefer. The rest though, do what you are comfortable with. There are no hard set rules for when a loved one passes. If you don't want to go out to eat or have a dinner/potluck then don't. You don't have to cater to anyone when it comes to this. Follow your heart, do what will make things less stressful for you. I'm so very sorry about your mother. I wish you peace in the days to come.

Thank you so much, I appreciate your thoughts and kind words. Yes, it's very difficult since she wants a traditional service and I am opposed to them. But I don't want her to come back and haunt me, LOL. I will honor her wishes (that's what I need the diazepam for, ha ha!) but since she never said anything about a big dinner afterward there won't be one. I'm very thankful she never asked to have that.

I know what you mean about the simple ceremony or none. I am seeing more and more "private family services will be held" in the obits, some people don't want a service at all, and many have a nice memorial service a month or two after the person passes. The memorial service is what I would prefer for Mom, I think that would be much easier to deal with. But I will honor her wishes and do my best to give her the service she wants.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Here, at my parish, they offer it. It is a basic meal, sandwiches, salads and such. There is no cost.

 

[Shanti]

They have been popular here for quite some time. As my Mom is in the final stages of her life we are trying to get some plans made. We will be having one day of visitation (from 2-4 p.m. and 4-6 p.m.) then her funeral will be the next afternoon at 2:00. I don't plan on hosting a big dinner afterward though. Mom had one for my Dad when he passed in 2008, at their church. Everyone who attended the funeral was invited for the meal. She had to pay for the meat (the ladies of the church made sides/salads/desserts) and gave a donation to the church for the use of the dining hall. For me, it was very difficult to sit there and eat and then make conversation with people, it was very stressful so I do not want to go that route for my Mom.

At first DH and I thought about taking our adult children/grands (there would be 14-16 of us) to a restaurant but I really don't want to do even that, so what we are now planning to do is have a light meal catered in our home so everyone can just come back here after the funeral. I think the service and graveside service will probably be finished by 4:00 so then we'll come home and have the meal about 5:00 (sandwiches, salads, desserts). I want to have Mom's photo albums set out so we can all look at those if everyone wants to, and reminisce, etc. I think it would be nice, and a lot less stressful.

I read the obits in our local newspaper and see other early afternoon funerals so wouldn't think they would host a meal, and some are even private too. So, if you went to a 2:00 funeral would you expect to be invited to a meal afterward?

The tradition here is a reception with snacks after the funeral or memorial service. Maybe some mini-sandwiches included, but not really a full meal. However, if that is common in your community and is what your mother wants, that is what you should do. Don't deny her the last choice that she is able to make in life.

 

[wgeo]

The tradition here is a reception with snacks after the funeral or memorial service. Maybe some mini-sandwiches included, but not really a full meal. However, if that is common in your community and is what your mother wants, that is what you should do. Don't deny her the last choice that she is able to make in life.

I respectfully disagree. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. She is already planning on giving her mother the funeral service that the mother wanted. She should feel no guilt in making other arrangements that suit those who are left the best.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Yes it's common here but not everyone goes. Mostly family and close friends. A lot of people come (coworkers, associates, etc), pay their respects and leave. Usually only the closest people go to the gravesite and then to the meal after.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I've never heard of a "formal" dinner/lunch as part of the funeral/memorial service. And I've been to many funerals in my life.

The closest I've come to that is, once I was married, my husband's family doesn't often have an actual funeral/memorial service for those who have died. But they do hold a wake. Everyone brings a dish and you sit around/mingle and remember the deceased. Usually in someone's house that's not the household of the deceased so that the immediate family isn't feeling like they're hosting. I like that better than an actual service.

 

[camreesmom]

They're very common in our area. They're usually referred to as receptions instead of a funeral dinner. It is normally provided at no cost to the family. Usually what happens is that a close friend of the family will send out an email letting everyone know about the death, any service or funeral arrangements and then says, food and drink can be dropped off at such-and-such hall at this time in the morning of the service. There always ends up being a lot of casseroles, fried chicken or bbq, sides and desserts.

 

[Shanti]

Funerals are for the living, not for the dead.

A funeral is actually a religious service of laying the dead person properly to rest, and allowing mourners to pay their respects. It is not just a feel-good occasion for the benefit of those attending.

 

[wenrob]

The tradition here is a reception with snacks after the funeral or memorial service. Maybe some mini-sandwiches included, but not really a full meal. However, if that is common in your community and is what your mother wants, that is what you should do. Don't deny her the last choice that she is able to make in life.

I respectfully disagree. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. She is already planning on giving her mother the funeral service that the mother wanted. She should feel no guilt in making other arrangements that suit those who are left the best.

I agree with wgeo 100%. The OP is in one of the most difficult and painful situations she will possibly ever have to face. The advice to not "deny" someone who has passed is...misguided at best. The OP needs to do what brings her the most peace.

 

[wgeo]

A funeral is actually a religious service of laying the dead person properly to rest, and allowing mourners to pay their respects. It is not just a feel-good occasion for the benefit of those attending.

Yes, I am intimately aware of the religious aspects of a funeral. Never did I suggest it was a "feel good occasion", although I will tell you that very very many of the funerals I attend involve as much laughter and smiles as they do tears. I would also suggest that if you speak to many Pastors they would tell you that the service and accompanying receptions/events are done for the benefit of the family to assist in their mourning.

I would bend over backwards in planning a funeral to make sure that the family is not making any decisions out of any type of misguided sense of guilt. The loved one is already with their Maker, nothing that happens at the actual funeral would change that. The family should always feel like they can make the decision (ANY decision) that works best for their circumstances.

 

[mjkacmom]

As far as I know, both where I grew up in the South, and here where I live now, it is typical for Catholics to hold a wake at the family home or the church hall after the funeral. The family does not provide the food or the liquor, it is provided to them by those who come to offer condolences, though someone in the family might run out for soft drinks or ice. Normally when someone dies you end up with 50 casseroles, salads, and sweets like cookies (brought by neighbors and friends) before 24 hours have passed, and it's normal for the younger adult members of the family to arrange for that food to be served after the service. I never attend a funeral without gathering up something edible to offer to the family.

A wake is a viewing before the funeral. It is typical for people to bring food, before and after, especially if the fami,y has out of town guests staying with them. I always bring beverages and a disposable cooler, because a lot of food usually gets wasted.

 

[cabanafrau]

A funeral is actually a religious service of laying the dead person properly to rest, and allowing mourners to pay their respects. It is not just a feel-good occasion for the benefit of those attending.

Is it not also a gathering of those looking to offer support to those most directly affected by the death, or is that too much of a feel-good occasion?

 

[mousefanmichelle]

In my area a luncheon is the typical practice. It is usually announced after the graveside service and anyone in attendance is welcome.

Same for us. We just had my dads funeral last July and after the service we invited who ever was there to a luncheon we had at a hall. There were just about 50 people total. I don't know if it's an expectation or not its just what we do in my family.