Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[QueenIsabella]

Where I grew up (Northeast, Catholic), a reception with food was the norm after a funeral. When my mom passed, it was hosted by the church (probably my dad, too, I just don't remember). Ladies from the church brought the food and arranged at the church hall while we were graveside. Normally the family wouldn't bring anything,the theory being that they have enough going on. But, my mom was known for her blueberry pies, so my sister, who inherited the "crust touch" along with the recipe, made a dozen pies the day before, to serve at the reception. My mother and sister were both active members of the church, and I don't think they were charged for anything, although I'm sure donations would have been gladly accepted.

Another nice thing the church did was, they have people who volunteer to stay overnight at the funeral home with the deceased. This isn't technically necessary--the funeral home is locked and has a good security system--but it's a nice gesture towards the deceased and the family that their loved one isn't left alone.

 

[MIGrandma]

We just buried my father a couple of months ago. We as a family had to provide the food, set up AND serve the entire congregation. If I had known this beforehand I would have never agreed to it. This was a church he and my mother had been members of for over 40 years. Five years earlier at my mother's funeral the entire church pitched in and brought food so I thought the same thing would happen again. The last thing I wanted to do after burying my father was to serve food to over 100 people.

Who told you that you HAD to host a dinner for the entire congregation at the church? That just doesn't seem right to me at all. I think I would have said "Sorry, but no..." to something like that.

I'm not sure about where we live now, but our church in Tampa hosted the family & all other mourners at the church, after the funeral & graveside service. It seems really odd to me that the family paying for the funeral would also be expected to host a post funeral meal.

Where I grew up, in North Carolina, everything was different from there. In NC, from the time a loved one passes away, the community starts bringing in food to the deceased person's home. They try to make sure the whole extended family doesn't have to worry about feeding themselves throughout the process. Most people have enough food to freeze to last a month. After the funeral & graveside service (if there is one), the deceased's church provides a meal for the family & other mourners or the family goes back to the home of the deceased to be with the one that lost their spouse or child. They eat the food that's been provided by the community. Anyone who stops by is offered food, but most don't eat. This is what happened, when my parents & sister passed away. When FIL passed away a few years ago, it was mostly my immediate family (I have a big family) that brought food, because MIL told everyone my sisters were taking care of us. They did, after they realized very few people had brought food. Only the friends & neighbors that didn't even bother to ask MIL what she needed brought something. I'm sure others would have, if MIL didn't worry that people may feel obligated to bring something. She has always had to fend for herself, so it was easier for her to depend on me & my family than ask for help. Whatever helped her get through it, was fine with us. FIL was cremated, so we had a receiving line, then immediately had the funeral. That was what MIL wanted. DH, DS & I are from a different state than the rest of our families & had already been there several days. We had to leave immediately after the funeral, so my sister's families took us & MIL out to eat on our way out of town. For anyone wondering, DH is an only child.

Anyway, all of that to say, I think you should do what you are comfortable with. After going through funerals for my parents & sister, I think receiving lines are cruel. The last thing I want to do is play hostess on one of the very worst days of my life. DH & DS know it wouldn't bother me in the least to think they decided to skip it altogether, if I go first. I also wouldn't want them to feel they had to play host at a meal. Do what you think you can handle. IMO, this is one of the few times where it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

I remember when DH's Mom passed away (she had ALS) a lot of their relatives brought food to his Dad's house. People brought food to our house as well (we lived right next door). It was nice that the immediate family didn't have to worry about cooking meals.

Then when my Dad passed away no one brought food. I thought it was more the elderly generation that did that, so I was really surprised no one brought food to my Mom's house. My sister-in-law made a meal for us one night, but no one brought casseroles, sandwich stuff, etc. I thought it was a little strange. They had a lot of friends at that time, and although Mom wasn't an actual member of the church she did attend regularly (Dad was in a nursing home).

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Who told you that you HAD to host a dinner for the entire congregation at the church? That just doesn't seem right to me at all. I think I would have said "Sorry, but no..." to something like that.



I remember when DH's Mom passed away (she had ALS) a lot of their relatives brought food to his Dad's house. People brought food to our house as well (we lived right next door). It was nice that the immediate family didn't have to worry about cooking meals.

Then when my Dad passed away no one brought food. I thought it was more the elderly generation that did that, so I was really surprised no one brought food to my Mom's house. My sister-in-law made a meal for us one night, but no one brought casseroles, sandwich stuff, etc. I thought it was a little strange. They had a lot of friends at that time, and although Mom wasn't an actual member of the church she did attend regularly (Dad was in a nursing home).

Some in every generation cook there. More in the 40+ age range, but a lot of younger adults cook also. They even have businesses that provide free meals, if you go by to pick them up.

Do your parents & in-laws live in the same area? Different areas have different customs. It does seem very odd to me that no one brought anything to your Mom's house or at least prepared food for your family at the church, but that's what I'm used to.

 

[leebee]

I grew up/lived in the Boston area and now am in central Maine. I think what is most typical in my experience is, after the final service (graveside or memorial, whatever you are having), the family tends to gather at someone's home for food and drink. It's a chance to kick back, reminisce, relax and breathe. It's usually just close family and whomever they mention it to, as in "We're getting together at John's after the service if you want to stop by." I've never been to something that's been in a restaurant, catered, etc. It's usually a chance to touch base with out-of-town family members and close friends. I think at my mom's (and other family members) we had veggie trays, sandwich platters, and desserts (veggie/dessert trays from Sam's or BJ's, sandwich stuff from the grocery store), plus whatever casseroles, etc., neighbors/friends had been bringing over all week, beer, wine. It was nice, low-key, casual, relaxing.

I really think the most important thing is to do what YOU need to do for YOU, and the heck with what everyone thinks you should do!!

ETA: At my mom's gathering, my brother's ex-girlfriend stopped in and managed the kitchen for us. At first my sister and brother were miffed that she showed up, but she'd been close to my mom and I guess she thought it was OK to stop by. It was REALLY nice that someone kept trays full, collected used plates/glasses, juggled casseroles in and out of the oven, etc. We'd planned on doing this, but it was really nice that we didn't have to!

 

[Gigi22]

Where I live it is more common to have a cold lunch (sandwiches, veggie platter, cheese, crackers, squares and cookies, coffee and tea) after the service. Usually in a hall at the church or funeral home. I was a bit surprised when I was offered the catering menu to order a funeral lunch for my own prepaid funeral!

 

[jojo9610]

Who told you that you HAD to host a dinner for the entire congregation at the church? That just doesn't seem right to me at all. I think I would have said "Sorry, but no..." to something like that.

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

 

[luvsJack]

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

I would have been very upset!

Around here people bring enough food to the family home to feed an army. They will bring doughnuts and breakfast foods, trays of sandwich meats, fruits and veggies and casseroles and such. When dh's nephew died someone even brought a huge stack of pizzas because they knew there would be a lot of teens around.

The meal after the funeral is completely done by others. Even if it can't be done in the fellowship hall and ends up at someone's home, the church ladies set it up, serve and clean it up. And package the leftovers for the family.

I always assumed it was all done to make things as easy as possible on the family. But what you describe would make it harder. By the time the last bit of the service is over everyone is usually exhausted.

 

[QueenIsabella]

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

This sounds very...un-gracious. I could maybe see it if your family had no connection to that particular church, but given that your parents were long-standing members, it seems unduly burdensome on your family. Of course, you were probably caught between a rock and a hard place, since your parents were, in fact, parishoners, and it's not like anyone has the time or inclination to go church-shopping when they've just lost a loved one. You probably could have hired a caterer, but it seems like a huge expense on top of the funeral expenses--and again, who has time to hunt one down who can work on such short notice and then whip out the checkbook for the spare couple thousand dollars.

 

[MIGrandma]

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

Wow, I'm sorry but that is just terrible! I can't even imagine your family having to deal with that.

I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and just would have said "Sorry, but it's not happening!" A family has enough stress to deal with when they lose a close loved one, there is no reason they should have to provide a meal for that many people, AND wash dishes too!!

 

[ronandannette]

In my neck of the woods the family is expected to provide the meal. I always thought that this was a twisted tradition; on the worst possible day a family must host a post funeral event. What a terrible emotional burden, not to mention the added expense on top of funeral costs. Tradition or not, I don't think I would be able to function under such sad circumstances.

Not everyone feels that way about it. It's cultural, regional and personal - but for me and mine (and several others on this thread) the gathering afterwards is a comfort. The larger community is given a the chance to come together in a less formal setting than at the service to share laughter and tears in honour of the departed.

I was thinking as I read this thread about how greatly people's ideas about what kind of a "service" is normal or desirable vary. About the only thing that's consistent is the idea of sharing food in some way. Almost everybody does it in one form or another. Take for example the three most recent funerals I've been to. They just couldn't have been more different - one was a Catholic mass, one a religious service held in a community hall and one was a "celebration of life" held in a popular local sports bar. The one commonality was that they all included some type of sharing of food together after the formalities.

OP, if you've taken anything away from this thread I hope it is that we all support you doing whatever you want to do, for whatever that's worth.

 

[georgina]

There is so much variation; people should do whatever they feel most comfortable with. I help with funeral lunches at our church. We do not have enough volunteers to provide food (some of them have over 100 attendees!) so they are usually catered or family and friends bring food. We set up, make coffee, help where needed, and clean up afterwards. People who opt to have the funeral lunch in the church hall are grateful to have a space to gather with friends and family. I understand not everyone wants this, and if a family can't afford it we work with a caterer regularly that will help out.

 

[sk!mom]

It is fairly common here to have a reception afterward. I'm noticing more and more, though, that pretty much anything goes and tradition is followed less and less. I like that. Do whatever feels comforting to you and your family.

My dad passed away last summer. We skipped a formal visitation but did gather at the bar of the hotel where out of town extended family were staying the night before to visit a bit. My mom didn't stay long and one of my sisters and I left when she did. Others stayed quite late though.

After the service we had a lunch at a nearby church. It was hosted by three of my sister's friends who wanted to do something to help. Had they not taken it over, I would have had it catered. My friends had been bringing dinner every night for the previous week since my large family (5 siblings and an assortment of our grown and not grown children) had gathered from all over the country. My brother announced the luncheon location at the close of the service. It was mostly attended by extended family, old friends, and those who had traveled to attend. Most local friends skipped the lunch as they just took off work for the service.

My mom didn't think that she wanted a lunch but my sister and I felt like we needed to offer a meal for those who traveled. My mom ended up enjoying seeing so many people that she hadn't seen in a long time. Especially childhood friends of ours who had spent so much time at my parent's house growing up who traveled in to pay respects and shared lots of memories. She enjoyed that so much that she invited a few of those to come back to her house after lunch to continue visiting and reminiscing.

Bless you OP. It's a tough time. Don't worry about shoulds and shouldn'ts- do what comforts.

 

[amberpi]

@MIGrandma - I know you came for actual advice, but I also wanted to say that reading threads like this is so interesting to me to hear what other people do. I'm surrounded, as most are, by people who are very like me, and the Disboards give a huge cross section of folks. Hearing what people think and do in these situation is just fascinating.

I do hope though, that you've gotten some perspectives that have helped in this difficult time. I've been keeping you in my thoughts. I know of lot of us have.

 

[Wendy31]

In reading some of these posts, I can't believe that, in some areas, the immediate family is expected to provide a meal for everyone after the funeral & then serve at the meal!

In some instances, I could see where immediate family might end up paying for the meal or contributing toward some of the cost, but I can't imagine the family being expected to serve!

After posting on this thread last night, I remembered one particular funeral meal where I served last year. A woman's grandmother passed away. I know her through a group in which our children are involved. Family came in for the funeral, &, for whatever reason, a local church wasn't involved. The woman rented a small fellowship hall at another church for about $50. And we ladies of the group hosted & served the lunch after the funeral for about 50 relatives. The only thing the immediate family did (&, in this case, it was the granddaughter & her husband) was schedule & pay for the room rental. We served fried chicken, slaw, macaroni & cheese, green beans, rolls, several different kinds of desserts, & drinks. We set up the fellowship hall, purchased the necessary food & drink items, cooked & prepared the food, served the food & drinks, & then cleaned everything up.

Anyway, I'm Generation X, & I guess the idea of contributing food to the family after someone has passed away was passed down to me by mother & my mother-in-law. And I'm passing the tradition down to my daughter.

It's always been just the way it's been done. Growing up, in our church, there was a Social Committee. And anytime there was a death, birth, or serious sickness, the ladies in the Social Committee got together & provided a meal for the family.

And, even w/o a church, groups of friends will do the same kind of thing.

In this same group as the one above, the mother-in-law of one of the women passed away. One of the churches was doing the meal after the funeral, but they didn't have anyone bringing any food to the funeral home. So we put together a sandwich tray, veggie tray, some cookies, chips, & drinks along w/ disposable plates, napkins, & cups for the family to have at the funeral home during the visitation hours.

 

[DaisyD]

Mid Atlantic here and we refer to it as a Wake. It can be anything from a reserved room at a restaurant where anyone that comes to the funeral can
attend. Or it can be at usually an immediate family members home and just a bunch of food brought it. In my family usually we get sandwich platters and salads and rest of the guests bring a ton of food to add to it. Not expected but always what we do.

 

[aprilgail]

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

Well that is REALLY pushing the envelope- there is no way I am feeding or serving 100-150 people that were not even friends, just people from a church. When my godson died he was 14 and there were a lot of people at the funeral. He was a junior in the local fire dept and they arranged everything for the "after party"- they have a big hall in the fire dept and they did all the food and drinks etc which was really nice. Since he had full fireman's funeral all the fire trucks involved were all full of firefighters so they all came back to the firehouse for food along with all the family and friends and some of his teachers.

 

[Wendy31]

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

That is really unbelievable to me! I'm so sorry you had that extra burden at such a sorrowful time.

I can't even imagine expecting the family of the deceased to be responsible for all that.

Some people handle funerals better than others. My MIL is great at funerals & visitations, family or otherwise. My mother is not.

Funerals & visitations are like a social event for my MIL.

When DH's grandfather passed away, my MIL organized the after funeral luncheon. She didn't provide all the food, but she prepared several dishes & helped clean up afterwards. She is the type of personality that kinda thrives on that kind of thing, though, & being "busy" helps her during the visitation & funeral time. She also needs the socialization & all the people around her.

My mother, on the other hand, is the opposite & just isn't as mentally & emotionally strong.

Even though I'm an introvert, I actually tend to be more like my MIL when it comes to things like this - not that I would EVER want to provide, prepare, serve, & clean up a meal for 150 people who aren't even family. I just can't w/ that.

 

[sk!mom]

A funeral is actually a religious service of laying the dead person properly to rest, and allowing mourners to pay their respects. It is not just a feel-good occasion for the benefit of those attending.

That's what a funeral is to you. To me, it is a time to comfort loved ones. Many many people mentioned after my dad's funeral last summer that they now had a new perspective on funerals. They came to pay respects to one of my siblings or I, not really knowing my dad but went away feeling like he was a special man. At the service, several family members eulogized him in a way that shared the special person that he was to us. It wasn't traditional in our faith nor area. It was comforting to us.

It goes against tradition in our family to have a memorial service a month or two later, but I'm beginning to think that's a great idea. Last January my step-dad's funeral in the frozen North country included a grave-side service in a snow storm. The family had to slip-slide their way through slushy roads both coming and going. Extended family stayed home because the roads were just too treacherous.

Last Saturday my cousin's funeral here in the Phx area included a grave-side service in 105F heat. The mortuary set up a canopy and had lots of seating. We had plenty of ice water but it was still miserable. The dearly-departed's MIL was from Oregon and asked how on earth we could live here. Good question.

In both those cases, it would've made a lot more sense to just schedule a memorial for later, when the weather is more cooperative.

When my 91 year old granddad passed away 2.5 years ago, we delayed the memorial for several weeks. He had outlived most of his family and friends and had said- "do what you want." He passed shortly after the Christmas holidays and most of my siblings had traveled home then to spend some last time with him. When he passed, we waited to give time for everyone to make plans rather than rush home. We had several college freshman in the family that year who had just been home, waiting allowed them to plan for another trip home.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

In NJ, when both my grandparents passed away my Aunt and Uncle had dinners after their funeral services.

I don't know about where I live in GA - The only person I knew who has passed away here, they did a private funeral. So I know we did take a casserole to their house a few days after the funeral. Pretty much that is what everyone did for them I discovered when the wife struggled to find space in the fridge for it.

 

[ols386]

The Pastor told us to plan to feed 100-150 people. We had assumed the women from the church would bring food because they had done the same thing for my mom but when we asked the pastor a day later, he said no, we were providing the food. Nobody even helped set up the food in the fellowship hall, we were scrambling after the service to get it done. Not one of the members of the church offered to help serve the meal. They just let us serve them. To add further insult, I had to wash dishes at the end of the day.

That sure sounds cold and rude for the congregational folks to do that. Not a very Christian-like attitude if you ask me.