Are all men picky daters?

[laura.anne]

This is honestly one of the most frustrating threads I've ever read on the DIS.

 

[tennvalgirl]

This is honestly one of the most frustrating threads I've ever read on the DIS.

You should go back and read the old threads

 

[NHdisneylover]

See. That's the thing. I may not be attracted to men who are say, 750 lbs. But, I will give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. If a guy was 300 lbs and I wasn't really attracted to him, but he seemed like a nice guy, I would give it a chance, on the possibility I could become attracted to him inside and out, as I get to know him.

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See, even you DO have an upper limit to the size you will be interested in. It is quite high, but it is there. Why do you feel you get to have this, but others do not? And it is not just about fat vs thin. Some people are really not interested in brunettes, or certain heights or ethnicities or whatever. I bet there ARE appearance things that you DO draw a line at. Would you send a message to someone whose profile indicated they have lots of similar interests if they had sleeve tattoos, facial piercings and ear gauges? Something about your postings makes me thinks that appearance iss probably not your type, which is OKAY, but other things (including sometimes your size) are not other's people's type and that is also okay (though I maintain that it is MUCH more about how your personality comes across in posts than your size and appearance that is the road block for dating.

I think online dating is really a misnomer. It is more online introductions. The dating actually happens after you meet and decide to go out more then once. Most people I know that have had success online use it like that, to meet people they otherwise wouldn't have met. They don't view it as a substitution to "normal" dating as much as a way to be introduced to people online for "normal" dating.
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An excellent point

For a typical 30+ yo woman I'd agree with you. But the OP has NO dating experience. As long as she goes in with little expectations etc it's a good place to start learning how to "date" IMO.

OP - I am going to be blunt. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE "hear" what I am saying and not focus on being hurt by how I may say it.

You have no experience. Because of that your thought process is a little immature regarding all of this. You are approaching this like a teenager - because teenagers also have no experience with real relationships. You have missed a whole decade + of experience that you have to work around now.

My cousin was like this. She spent her entire 20's always being the third wheel. Never had a boyfriend, never had a date. There were many many reasons for this. Her focus on her career, her appearance and how she felt about it etc. When she was 32 she decided enough was enough. She changed her appearance as much as possible, focused on trying to feel good about herself and tried online dating. Unfortunately......sigh....... she approached it like you are. As a mature woman but in an inexperienced (immature) way She had no clue about how to date, what the natural progression of a relationship was etc. My sister and I were cringing over it all. How fast she was trying to go. All the plans she had in her head after only one online encounter. Imagining what their children would look like together. getting giddy over the smallest thing. This is not normal for adults and was a huge turn off to the guys she was trying to date. She had a few first dates but only first dates. Every single time she was convinced he was the one and they did not call back - she was devastated. (She's in her 40's now married with 2 little girls!)

She was too desperate and too immature in her approach because she honestly didn't know any better. It was a teen in a woman's body. PLEASE listen to what people are trying to tell you. We honestly are trying to help. What you are doing is NOT WORKING and there's a reason for that.

Your inexperience is not a reflection on you as a person. It just is what it is. No fault of your own. It's just a fact. We are not trying to insult you by pointing this out. We are trying to help.

Swooning and blushing - not normal for a 30+ yo woman. Thinking it's difficult to ask somebody if they are seeing somebody else is not normal for somebody your age. Formulating a relationship in your head over a look in church - not normal

Ask this guy out. Don't approach it as if it's a date. Ask him if he wants to go to a concert or the museum etc. Convince yourself you are spending the day with a really good friend who just happens to be a guy. While you are passing time together see what happens. Don't get giddy. Don't plan your wedding. Don't ask him to watch TV and do a puzzle together(That's a huge red flag to a guy at this stage. It's too "comfortable" and not something you do until you are well past the "Dating" stage.) Just go, be with a friend and see what happens.

OP, I hope you will take this wonderful post for what it is and pay attention

This is great advice.

Just adding that aside from the puzzle being a read flag, it's dangerous. Please make your first several meetings in public places.

and OP, PLEASE pay attention to this as well. PLEASE.

 

[Coonhound]

See. That's the thing. I may not be attracted to men who are say, 750 lbs. But, I will give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. If a guy was 300 lbs and I wasn't really attracted to him, but he seemed like a nice guy, I would give it a chance, on the possibility I could become attracted to him inside and out, as I get to know him.

I'm not morbidly obese. So, I feel like I am within the "reasonable" category, but that's just me.

I get what You're saying but you also have to realize that what is the "reasonable" category varies from person to person. What is "reasonable" to you may not be the same thing to someone else. You said you wouldn't be attracted to someone who is say 750 pounds, well maybe someone else thinks 750 is reasonable, or, you said you think 300 is reasonable, maybe other people think 300 is out of the "reasonable" range.
I'm not picking an argument about weight. I'm just pointing out that it is unrealistic to assume others have the same exact standards of what is reasonable.
Some men ONLY date women who are big. Some men are ok with it, but it doesn't matter to them. Some men may find it outside of the "reasonable" range if a woman is more than 130 pounds. Everyone is different so don't assume men have the same standards that you have. They'll have standards of their own.

 

[SwimBikeRun]

OP - you asked for someone who has real online dating experience to weigh in. I have a lot of experience with this, however I'm divorced and older than you. That being said, I live in a small state and options are limited. But I have been on a bunch of dates and had 3 relationships, including my current one, which has been 6 months. We met on match.

Anyway, I am no gorgeous woman and I have a good 20-30 pounds to lose. I was heavier too and had dates. It always seemed to go in cycles. Now would be a good time to do some ************* because many people join for the new year. In the past you've said about a 1% response rate which I think is pretty accurate for online dating.

I personally would not do the long distance thing. I find 35 minutes hard! It is far too easy to hide who the real you is when there is that much distance involved. I'd keep him as a friend and do some *************...just for experience and to have fun!

 

[carriemd]

OP, I am pretty new here. As such, I don't have the history with you from your other profile. However, I'll observe that you seem he(ck) bent on convincing people you're of a certain size, not obese, all that and a bag, etc. I'm just going to suggest that you're maybe trying to convince yourself, and not other people. I am a few years older than you and I spent YEARS in denial, trying to convince myself that I wasn't that overweight, when in reality, I was/am, and that it wasn't impacting my life that much, when in reality it was/is. I'm finally in control of it though and have taken serious steps to get where I need to be physically and emotionally. I'm not there yet but therapy is part of it.
I know this is a tangential issue to the original post, but given how much air time your weight (and the weight of potential suitors) has gotten in this thread, I think you need to take a good, hard, honest look at yourself, your perception of yourself, and the vibe youre putting out. Because it's a major issue for you, like it is for me. It's not your size necessarily, it's your acceptance of yourself. Many, many women have stated on this thread that they do just fine at whatever size. You (like me) don't seem to be one of them. I have a terrible self image at my current weight. I am able to fake it until I make it in a lot of ways, but I've also been married for 16 years and have a supportive husband to talk me off the ledge. Even then I finally had to get real with myself and take some serious steps to be who I've always tried to convince myself and the world I am. No one is going to accept you for who you are until you do. It's like you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, and the reality is, you have to either completely change your self image, or be willing to make physical changes to yourself, or both.
Good luck.

 

[carriemd]

And if my post in any way came off as offensive, I apologize. That was not my intent. It's a painful and difficult subject.

 

[Coonhound]

Carriemd, that was a good post. Sensitive, kind, gentle.
I hope the OP at least considers the advice.




I too believe the op is putting a lot of emphasis on weight and body size.
This could be because she is uncomfortable in her own skin and needs a boost of confidence!
Or, it could be because she's in denial- if the op views herself as being in one weight category, but everyone around her views her as belonging to a different weight category, that could be an issue of denial.