Are all men picky daters?

[aaarcher86]

Seriously? Yes, you are right, that is simplistic thinking. This isn't Junior High. You are thirty years old, if you want to know if he is seeing anyone, be a grown up and ask him.

Agreed.

This person also started seeing someone else when they were talking before. It's not unreasonable to just ask if he's still seeing someone.

Trust me... if you're trying to date this guy then this will be the least awkward thing you encounter.

 

[FireDancer]

Yeah um....awkward.

Awkward? It is a question most people your age have asked probably hundreds of people.

Are you seeing anyone? That is all you need.

Honestly, my thought was...if he states his interest in me, he must be unattached.

Unfortunately I know lots of people, both male and female, who set up their next relationship before they end their current one. It reeks of "I can't be alone" and is quite sad but it is what it is.

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

Awkward? It is a question most people your age have asked probably hundreds of people.

Are you seeing anyone? That is all you need.

Haha, I didn't mean that the question was awkward. I meant that the poster's analysis and question of me made ME realize how awkward my thinking was.

That said, I do think it's a little bit easier when you just met someone to bring that question up.

It's a little more difficult to come up with, "Hey I know we talk almost every day and have had about 1500 conversations, but, by the way, are you seeing someone?"

It would be much easier for me to come up with some delicate way to ask him without actually asking him, and that's pretty much what I've done so far and why I'm where I'm at. So, the direct head-on approach may have to be answer.

Unfortunately I know lots of people, both male and female, who set up their next relationship before they end their current one. It reeks of "I can't be alone" and is quite sad but it is what it is.

Eeek, never thought of it that way before.

 

[Skywalker]

That said, I do think it's a little bit easier when you just met someone to bring that question up.

It's a little more difficult to come up with, "Hey I know we talk almost every day and have had about 1500 conversations, but, by the way, are you seeing someone?"

It would be much easier for me to come up with some delicate way to ask him without actually asking him, and that's pretty much what I've done so far and why I'm where I'm at. So, the direct head-on approach may have to be answer.

I have no idea why you complicate things so much? You don't need to come up with a delicate way to do anything a simple "Hey whatever happened with that girl you were seeing?" and done.

 

[Coonhound]

Mmackeymouse you let yourself become emotionally attached to men before you've really gotten to know them.

You also have ideas that to be perfectly honest are much too intimate when you barely know a person- cuddling, puzzles at home on the couch, these are things you do much, much later in a relationship, when you have become quite comfortable together.

I would advise you to not allow those "blush", "swoon" feelings into your head or heart, at least until after you've gone on one real date with the man. When you start to feel that way, shut that feeling down and remind yourself that he's just a guy and you guys are just getting together to see if there's anything there. No blush swoon. If there's chemistry you'll know, and you can blush swoon then. If there's no chemistry, you'll move on to the next guy. Don't build him up in your head and no swooning before you've actually dated him. Allowing those feelings in, no matter how fun they are to feel, is ultimately doing you more harm than good.

As to your question, are all men picky daters. No one is a picky dater, and yet everyone is a picky dater.
People just like what they like! You can't force attraction, it's either there or it's not.
I wouldn't say men are being picky, they are just attracted to who they're attracted to. If you weren't attracted to men who were larger, let's say, I wouldn't say you're a picky dater, I'd just say you're not attracted to larger men.

I think you've gotten some good advice and I hope all goes well

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

As to your question, are all men picky daters. No one is a picky dater, and yet everyone is a picky dater.
People just like what they like! You can't force attraction, it's either there or it's not.
I wouldn't say men are being picky, they are just attracted to who they're attracted to. If you weren't attracted to men who were larger, let's say, I wouldn't say you're a picky dater, I'd just say you're not attracted to larger men.

See. That's the thing. I may not be attracted to men who are say, 750 lbs. But, I will give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. If a guy was 300 lbs and I wasn't really attracted to him, but he seemed like a nice guy, I would give it a chance, on the possibility I could become attracted to him inside and out, as I get to know him.

I'm not morbidly obese. So, I feel like I am within the "reasonable" category, but that's just me.

I am very curious, and this is just me thinking out loud here, it would be interesting for someone with actual online dating experience to weigh in on this. The long-distance throws an extra wrench into it.

I mean, if I met a guy online, he lived 10 minutes away, I could go meet him for coffee or tea sometime one afternoon just to see how things go, and it would really be no skin off my nose. If we get along great, if not fine.

When it is an extra long distance thing...which again, I know it's rare, but I know it happens and works sometimes too. Long distance, it is an investment. An investment of your time. An investment in funds, for hotels or gas money or airfare. For me, it is just not something I could or would do just on a tepid interest, just to see how things go. I would have to be really interested in the guy, really feel the connection, be a little giddy, in order for it to be worth it to make such a big commitment.

Which, it is a double-edged sword. Like you said, it is kind of setting yourself up for failure, to get your heart broken. Putting the cart before the horse. Ideally yes, you should not be SO interested, and not get hopes up, and just let it happen. But, when you are investing that kind of money and time, you should be pretty sure you are on the same page as far as interest is concerned.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Isn't there a way to just meet locals online? I wouldn't actively seek out any long distance relationship unless you've exhausted all the local possibilities.

And to answer your original question, YES-I do think some men are picky daters. But women can be too, right? Maybe you aren't being picky enough. don't settle for the first nice profile you find.

My brother is shallow and will only date skinny blondes. I have a guy friend who thinks a Victoria's Secret model is who he will end up with. Too bad he keeps cheating and lying to all the girls he dates. He can't keep it all straight. Sad, really.

Relationships should be built on trust. If you can't ask a very basic question, then you aren't ready to date. Maybe it's a self confidence issue that you need to work on.

 

[threeboysmom]

I certainly would find out if he's seeing/dating anyone else before "investing" any money/time into traveling to meet in person.

Perhaps continue doing what you're doing - texting/phone calls/emails - and continue to just get to know each other.

If the conversation moves to meeting up in real life, now's the time to find out if he's dating anyone else too before progressing any further...

 

[FireDancer]

See. That's the thing. I may not be attracted to men who are say, 750 lbs. But, I will give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. If a guy was 300 lbs and I wasn't really attracted to him, but he seemed like a nice guy, I would give it a chance, on the possibility I could become attracted to him inside and out, as I get to know him.

I'm not morbidly obese. So, I feel like I am within the "reasonable" category, but that's just me.

I am very curious, and this is just me thinking out loud here, it would be interesting for someone with actual online dating experience to weigh in on this. The long-distance throws an extra wrench into it.

I mean, if I met a guy online, he lived 10 minutes away, I could go meet him for coffee or tea sometime one afternoon just to see how things go, and it would really be no skin off my nose. If we get along great, if not fine.

When it is an extra long distance thing...which again, I know it's rare, but I know it happens and works sometimes too. Long distance, it is an investment. An investment of your time. An investment in funds, for hotels or gas money or airfare. For me, it is just not something I could or would do just on a tepid interest, just to see how things go. I would have to be really interested in the guy, really feel the connection, be a little giddy, in order for it to be worth it to make such a big commitment.

Which, it is a double-edged sword. Like you said, it is kind of setting yourself up for failure, to get your heart broken. Putting the cart before the horse. Ideally yes, you should not be SO interested, and not get hopes up, and just let it happen. But, when you are investing that kind of money and time, you should be pretty sure you are on the same page as far as interest is concerned.

I think anything working longer then an hour away is a stretch unless the two already know each other pretty well. Someone you are dating moving away for whatever reason is much different then starting a relationship when someone is far away.

Are there examples of it working out? Sure. Are there many? Nope.

I think online dating is really a misnomer. It is more online introductions. The dating actually happens after you meet and decide to go out more then once. Most people I know that have had success online use it like that, to meet people they otherwise wouldn't have met. They don't view it as a substitution to "normal" dating as much as a way to be introduced to people online for "normal" dating.

I can't remember if it was this tread or another one, and I don't feel like going back through it, but if you aren't going to rely on looks online you have to rely on something else. Make sure your profile is interesting. Have things in there that call for questions or stand out in a way to get a response. While men are visual but there are plenty of men out there that will give someone a chance if they find them interesting.

 

[aaarcher86]

See. That's the thing. I may not be attracted to men who are say, 750 lbs. But, I will give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. If a guy was 300 lbs and I wasn't really attracted to him, but he seemed like a nice guy, I would give it a chance, on the possibility I could become attracted to him inside and out, as I get to know him.

I'm not morbidly obese. So, I feel like I am within the "reasonable" category, but that's just me.

I am very curious, and this is just me thinking out loud here, it would be interesting for someone with actual online dating experience to weigh in on this. The long-distance throws an extra wrench into it.

I mean, if I met a guy online, he lived 10 minutes away, I could go meet him for coffee or tea sometime one afternoon just to see how things go, and it would really be no skin off my nose. If we get along great, if not fine.

When it is an extra long distance thing...which again, I know it's rare, but I know it happens and works sometimes too. Long distance, it is an investment. An investment of your time. An investment in funds, for hotels or gas money or airfare. For me, it is just not something I could or would do just on a tepid interest, just to see how things go. I would have to be really interested in the guy, really feel the connection, be a little giddy, in order for it to be worth it to make such a big commitment.

Which, it is a double-edged sword. Like you said, it is kind of setting yourself up for failure, to get your heart broken. Putting the cart before the horse. Ideally yes, you should not be SO interested, and not get hopes up, and just let it happen. But, when you are investing that kind of money and time, you should be pretty sure you are on the same page as far as interest is concerned.

You've already not been on the same page with this person once in the past. Verify he's not seeing anyone and then go from there.

There's really no commitment here currently. You're just talking. He could be talking to 4 other people and putting his feelers out there as he did last time.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Haha, I didn't mean that the question was awkward. I meant that the poster's analysis and question of me made ME realize how awkward my thinking was.

That said, I do think it's a little bit easier when you just met someone to bring that question up.

It's a little more difficult to come up with, "Hey I know we talk almost every day and have had about 1500 conversations, but, by the way, are you seeing someone?"

It would be much easier for me to come up with some delicate way to ask him without actually asking him, and that's pretty much what I've done so far and why I'm where I'm at. So, the direct head-on approach may have to be answer.





Eeek, never thought of it that way before.

No it's not difficult. "Hey whatever happened with that girl you met?" There's no fancy thinking involved regarding how to subtly ask a question you want answered. It's just not that hard.

I think you need to forget the long distance thing for now. Long distance relationships are for people with more dating experience. You need to have a solid relationship with somebody in order for it to build and survive long distance. In order to have a solid relationship you need to have the confidence, experience and maturity to build one. You are not there yet. Look locally. Learn how to casually date, how to get your feet wet and get some mature experience. Then you can broaden the scope.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Sorry if I missed it, but what city do you live in? Maybe there are some Disers that can point you in the right direction of local opportunities.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Haha, I didn't mean that the question was awkward. I meant that the poster's analysis and question of me made ME realize how awkward my thinking was.

That said, I do think it's a little bit easier when you just met someone to bring that question up.

It's a little more difficult to come up with, "Hey I know we talk almost every day and have had about 1500 conversations, but, by the way, are you seeing someone?"

It would be much easier for me to come up with some delicate way to ask him without actually asking him, and that's pretty much what I've done so far and why I'm where I'm at. So, the direct head-on approach may have to be answer.

Eeek, never thought of it that way before.

No! Stop playing games. You don't need to think of a delicate way to ask. Next time you talk to him, just say, "Are you still seeing Mary?" Easy, not rude, not awkward, just a simple question.

Or is it just that you're afraid of the answer? If he says yes, it brings too much reality into it?

 

[JaneBanks]

If I were you, I wouldn't want to get involved with this guy. To me it would feel like I'm his second choice, his back up because the first one didn't work out. It would make me think that I would always be that girl to fill his time until the next one came along.

But, that's just me.

 

[cluvsdisney]

If I were you, I wouldn't want to get involved with this guy. To me it would feel like I'm his second choice, his back up because the first one didn't work out. It would make me think that I would always be that girl to fill his time until the next one came along.

But, that's just me.

Me too. I would move on and try to meet someone local. With online dating, I don't think it's such a great plan to move so slowly that it takes months to even talk. I don't know if this is typically how you respond to attention from a guy but if it is, then I think it might be more effective to meet the person in real life sooner. This really has nothing to do with being picky but sometimes you just don't click with someone in "that" way when you meet in person and you may work better as friends. That's fine, but that's not why people join dating sights. Plus, it's a waste of time and potential opportunities if you felt connected to someone else.

Good luck!

 

[okeydokey]

I think Long Distance relationships can work if both people work at it and are equipped to handle it.

My DH and I were long distance for part of our dating relationship, but that is after we were together in the same area for a while and had already started building the relationship in person. We also both had dating histories. It was not a first relationship for either of us so we knew "how to date". The fact that you won't ask this potential partner if he is seeing anyone else means that you don't really have a grasp of how to date.

A long distance online relationship, especially for someone who has never dated before sounds very unrealistic. I second the opinion of dating locally instead.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

If I were you, I wouldn't want to get involved with this guy. To me it would feel like I'm his second choice, his back up because the first one didn't work out. It would make me think that I would always be that girl to fill his time until the next one came along.

But, that's just me.

For a typical 30+ yo woman I'd agree with you. But the OP has NO dating experience. As long as she goes in with little expectations etc it's a good place to start learning how to "date" IMO.

OP - I am going to be blunt. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE "hear" what I am saying and not focus on being hurt by how I may say it.

You have no experience. Because of that your thought process is a little immature regarding all of this. You are approaching this like a teenager - because teenagers also have no experience with real relationships. You have missed a whole decade + of experience that you have to work around now.

My cousin was like this. She spent her entire 20's always being the third wheel. Never had a boyfriend, never had a date. There were many many reasons for this. Her focus on her career, her appearance and how she felt about it etc. When she was 32 she decided enough was enough. She changed her appearance as much as possible, focused on trying to feel good about herself and tried online dating. Unfortunately......sigh....... she approached it like you are. As a mature woman but in an inexperienced (immature) way She had no clue about how to date, what the natural progression of a relationship was etc. My sister and I were cringing over it all. How fast she was trying to go. All the plans she had in her head after only one online encounter. Imagining what their children would look like together. getting giddy over the smallest thing. This is not normal for adults and was a huge turn off to the guys she was trying to date. She had a few first dates but only first dates. Every single time she was convinced he was the one and they did not call back - she was devastated. (She's in her 40's now married with 2 little girls!)

She was too desperate and too immature in her approach because she honestly didn't know any better. It was a teen in a woman's body. PLEASE listen to what people are trying to tell you. We honestly are trying to help. What you are doing is NOT WORKING and there's a reason for that.

Your inexperience is not a reflection on you as a person. It just is what it is. No fault of your own. It's just a fact. We are not trying to insult you by pointing this out. We are trying to help.

Swooning and blushing - not normal for a 30+ yo woman. Thinking it's difficult to ask somebody if they are seeing somebody else is not normal for somebody your age. Formulating a relationship in your head over a look in church - not normal

Ask this guy out. Don't approach it as if it's a date. Ask him if he wants to go to a concert or the museum etc. Convince yourself you are spending the day with a really good friend who just happens to be a guy. While you are passing time together see what happens. Don't get giddy. Don't plan your wedding. Don't ask him to watch TV and do a puzzle together(That's a huge red flag to a guy at this stage. It's too "comfortable" and not something you do until you are well past the "Dating" stage.) Just go, be with a friend and see what happens.

 

[aaarcher86]

This is great advice.

Just adding that aside from the puzzle being a red flag, it's dangerous. Please make your first several meetings in public places.

 

[mrsklamc]

But, when you are investing that kind of money and time, you should be pretty sure you are on the same page as far as interest is concerned.

Yup. And it really doesn't sound like you are.

 

[Mkrop]

I agree with others you need to come right out and ask this guy. No hinting or trying to interpret what he is saying