Anyone else a SAHM who doesn't plan on returning to the work force?

[Skatermom23]

I am not sure of the direction this thread is going. It was by no means a discussion of working mom vs SAHM or what is better. Nor is it a discussion of the "what if my DH leaves me after 40 years!" I have made a decision that is right for us and am simply wanting to know if others are in the same shoes as me.
Just to add, DH is in a high stress job, that he loves btw, with a pretty hectic commute. He wouldn't trade it for anything. The reality of it though, is that he doesn't have time or energy to spend on the house. When he is home he spends it with us and hanging out. Would he step up to the plate if I went back to work? Sure he would! He would support any decision I made. But we are happy the way things are. I was only trying to find some support from women in the same shoes. Funny how people respond to threads that really don't pertain to them.

 

[txgirl]

I am not sure of the direction this thread is going. It was by no means a discussion of working mom vs SAHM or what is better.

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter that the thread began with "Who wants to *stay* a SAHM after the kids are gone?" because it always ends up with ,"who says SAHM is better??????"

If you really want to get some people fired up ask about breastfeeding!!!!

Thanks for the post. It's an encouragement to know that if I stay home until I'm 99 (if my husband doesn't give me the ax before then ) then I will be happy, fulfilled and have lived my life to the fullest!

 

[spiceycat]

you ladies all have degrees to fall back on - if your husband dies...

I say die rather than divorce. At least in a divorce you will get something.

but if he dies tomorrow - you can get work.

I feel sorry for the SALB who only has a high school degree then her husband dies suddenly in his 40's....

when she goes back to work she is at the bottom.

 

[Skatermom23]

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter that the thread began with "Who wants to *stay* a SAHM after the kids are gone?" because it always ends up with ,"who says SAHM is better??????"

If you really want to get some people fired up ask about breastfeeding!!!!

:

I think you are right! I forget that some people don't play nice on these boards!! Okay I guess I will go back to my and bon bons! That's what we do right?

 

[sara74]

Funny how people respond to threads that really don't pertain to them.

Sorry, that would mean me. Guess I'll take my keyboard and head home now.

 

[sara74]

I think you are right! I forget that some people don't play nice on these boards!! Okay I guess I will go back to my and bon bons! That's what we do right?

Ok, now that's just mean! The only one saying something like that is YOU.

Now, I'll take my keyboard and go back to letting other people raise my kids, that's what WE do, right?

 

[Goobergal99]

geez this one took a turn for the worst real quick

 

[MATTERHORN]

That would be me. The 'some reason' that I think it is a benefit is that when I am home with my kids I am unencumbered by the tasks that I dislike and that take up a lot of time. So I enjoy my working days M,T,W and then I enjoy my at-home days playing play-doh, making art projects, going for walks, with the kids and don't have to worry about cleaning or yardwork, nor does DH. For me it is a good bonus for working, certainly not the reason I work, but one of the perks IMO. There are plenty of SAHMs in our area that I am sure have cleaning help, but I know that that wouldn't be our choice if I was home all the time.

Somehow I feel a little taken aback by your post...my reasons for working are many and earning enough to more than justify a cleaning lady is well down on the list, but a perk just the same. For 'some reason' my reasons, actually OUR reasons in our family, are good reasons for me to work. Not everyone has to agree with them. Did you read my other post about perspectives and making choices based on our childhood experiences, or are you just going to continue on about the first one?

Well having said that, then this isn't the right thread for you, right? The only reason I can see for you posting is that you see some truth in what we are saying adn don't want to admit it so you have to come justify your reasons here. Thanks but no thanks.


Andrea

 

[shellynn24]

Well, it started out okay, but something happened between pages 1 and 5, since I just skipped to the end, I'm not sure what I guess I'll have to go back and read the whole thing. Now back on topic, I love being a SAHM, and now that my oldest is starting school this year, it has just become more hectic. Oh yeah and the addition of another little one adds to the fun. I take online classes to earn my degree in Information Technology, but I really have no plans on using it. I'm just doing it to use my Army college money. However, I will have something to fall back on if the unthinkable happens

 

[MATTERHORN]

But this is a fantasy, is it not? You can be secure in your marriage, but if your husband hands you divorce papers after 25, 30 or more years of marriage, then you have no choice. It happens all time, every day, to more shocked women than you can imagine, apparently.

My dad divorced my mom after 45 years of marriage, after promising me that he would always be there to take care of her.

And I could die tomorrow too! Should I plan my entire life around that, nope.
A bomb could hit us tomorrow, should I build a bomb shelter in the backyard? I am sorry to hear about your parents, mine are divorced since I was 7. And I did not have my mom around after that, so my advice would be the opposite of anyone else's. I will be there with my kids now for as long as I can (hopefully forever), but if not adn the worst happens with DH and I, I will cherish the years I did get.

Andrea

 

[sara74]

Well having said that, then this isn't the right thread for you, right? The only reason I can see for you posting is that you see some truth in what we are saying adn don't want to admit it so you have to come justify your reasons here. Thanks but no thanks.


Andrea

Maybe you only read the last few posts. I posted about my mom, who worked very hard to support us and was 'there for us' and was posting that there is more than one way to be there for your children. So yeah, I was supporting my mother. Shucks, what a crime. One I hope my own kids will never have to commit but would do willingly if pressed to. The post you quoted was a post in response to another one which DaisyD and I worked out. And I apologize for interfering. Trying to bridge the gap - so to speak but this isn't the only time that I have felt the gap was unbridgeable...

this feels a lot like the time that the mom on the playground picked her child up and walked away from me mid-conversation when she asked where DD would be going to preschool and the name of her preschool was one that the other mother recognized as a childcare center. I've never walked away from or stopped talking to someone who didn't work outside the home. I am truly sorry to have butted in on your thread. Believe me. Just wanted to try to connect and make some contact...

 

[Tracey1974]

this feels a lot like the time that the mom on the playground picked her child up and walked away from me mid-conversation when she asked where DD would be going to preschool and the name of her preschool was one that the other mother recognized as a childcare center. I've never walked away from or stopped talking to someone who didn't work outside the home.

That is horrible! I am an (almost) full time working mom and that makes me angry. Who was she to judge? Snob.

 

[Disney Doll]

I've got you all beat. I have no kids. I'd stay home tomorrow if DH was making a bit more $$. As it is, I work 3 days per week. I have no desire to work. I'd much prefer to volunteer my time where my efforts would be appreciated. If I could figure out how to be a nurse from home, I'd do it in a minute. I've looked into a couple of avenues to use my medical background, but have yet to take the plunge.

When we were first married, DH was a new realtor, and not making a ton of money. I was a nurse and able to make a lot more. I worked in the hospital and for an insurance company. Then I quit the insurance company and worked in the hospital and doing homecare. I was pretty much doing 50-60 hour work weeks every week. Kind of had to, to make ends meet as DH was building his career. Now I just do the hospital.

DH is now sales manager of an office, so he's doing much better financially, which affords me the luxury of working part-time, and taking care of the house for the rest of the time. I do most of the inside and outside work, so DH doesn't have to do too much...I feel that's only fair since he's putting in 10-12 hour days most days, and would whether I worked more or not. He's that type....stays until he feels that the job is done right.

As far as the "what ifs"...I could live on a lot less if I had to.I am also not afraid to work if I have to.

 

[Caradana]

There's an economic concept called "risk aversion." We all feel different levels of risk aversion - some of us are sensitive to risk and unwilling to take much, and others are willing to throw it all into the ring. Naturally, risk aversion is connected to intelligence. We have to understand what the risks are in order to accurately gauge them.

To be a SAHM for an extended period is to take on a significant risk. The risk is bigger if you're not a college grad or if you work in a relatively depressed area. There is always a chance that your husband could disappear, literally or figuratively, anytime.

Among the set of people who understand that risk, some of us feel fine with it. We're less "risk averse." Some of us are totally unwilling to assume that level of vulnerability. That's OK, too. The people who are really in danger are the ones who don't understand that risk at all. "Oh, my husband would never do that. I KNOW HIM. And if I had to work, I could. Oh, and the fact that I never finished school has no psychological impact on my daughters ..." now THAT is the riskiest way to think.

 

[MATTERHORN]

Maybe you only read the last few posts. I posted about my mom, who worked very hard to support us and was 'there for us' and was posting that there is more than one way to be there for your children. So yeah, I was supporting my mother. Shucks, what a crime. One I hope my own kids will never have to commit but would do willingly if pressed to. The post you quoted was a post in response to another one which DaisyD and I worked out. And I apologize for interfering. Trying to bridge the gap - so to speak but this isn't the only time that I have felt the gap was unbridgeable...

this feels a lot like the time that the mom on the playground picked her child up and walked away from me mid-conversation when she asked where DD would be going to preschool and the name of her preschool was one that the other mother recognized as a childcare center. I've never walked away from or stopped talking to someone who didn't work outside the home. I am truly sorry to have butted in on your thread. Believe me. Just wanted to try to connect and make some contact...

You know what, I apologize if I came off as rude! I did read everything, but I think to come on here, a clearly SAHM thread because it wasn't asking if you should/shouldn't, it was for those that already do, and try to let us know that we could be there for our kids just as much if we were working, well of course we aren't going to agree. What did you hope to accomplish?

We obviously feel passionately that staying home is the best thing for our children/families. No I could not be there for my children just as much if I worked because I would be gone from them for many hours everyday. It is a fact, you cannot be there in a physical sense if you are not there! I am not saying that working parents aren't there in the emotional sense, I know they are because my mom was even though she worked 3-4 jobs while I was growing up. But did I wish she was there in 3rd grade at 6am when I was getting up by a wake up ohone call, getting myself ready and someone else was always taking me to school? You bet I wish she was there. If you can honestly say that you had never wished your mom had been around more, then that would be amazing because I know of many times where I missed my mom during those days.

I guess we are just doing what we think is right, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it, right? The problem comes when SAHM can't discuss it on a thread because parents that choose to work feel the need to deny their insecurities about it by proving to us just how right their way is and how their kids are just fine! And I know many WOHM will post now about how they are very secure with their choice, but if you were, would you need to keep justifying it to everyone. I guess I just don't understand that, like we are gonna say, Oh good well you work and your kids are great so I'll go back to work now. It is a lifestyle choice just like yours and posts on a message board aren't going to change what's right in my heart.

I posted here because it was addressed to SAHM, which I am. I would never go on a WOHM thread and tell them they are wrong because I could never convince them of that and wouldn't want to. It's their choice. Only writing my opinion here as a reply. To each his own I guess.

Andrea

 

[Cruz Family]

Personal feelings and opinions notwithstanding, I think it rather presumptious to determine what another family's priorities should be or define happiness for a family other than one's own.

I only made a comment on what the OP was doing! The fact that she had HER priorities in order (HERS, not yours, mine, or anyone elses). The fact that she is not going back to work just for more money is very impressive to me. She made a decision based on what is best for her and her family and not on greed.
If you think I am judging you, that was not my intention. BUT pretty much all my opinions are strong ones and if you would like to tell me your situation I would be more than happy to give you my views on it!

 

[DisKim]

Why does it seem that working moms and SAHMs seem to be at odds all the time ? We are all moms and should support one another. I'm a working mom and I hate it. I like to read the SAHM threads because I think that maybe somehow I can pick up tips on how to actually bite the bullet and do it. Without sharing too much personal info, let's just say that I have no choice but to work and I wish that wasn't the case. I have the utmost respect for all moms, those who SAH and those who work. I think there are women doing a great job in both situations. As far at the topic the op brought up, I think it is fantastic if you can manage not to go to work. I think it is wonderful if you can give your home and family your undivided attention. I hate it when I have to spend the weekend catching up with cleaning. It cuts into my quality time with the kids but if I didn't do it, we'd be living in a pig sty.

 

[Cruz Family]

Why does it seem that working moms and SAHMs seem to be at odds all the time ? We are all moms and should support one another. I'm a working mom and I hate it. I like to read the SAHM threads because I think that maybe somehow I can pick up tips on how to actually bite the bullet and do it. Without sharing too much personal info, let's just say that I have no choice but to work and I wish that wasn't the case. I have the utmost respect for all moms, those who SAH and those who work. I think there are women doing a great job in both situations. As far at the topic the op brought up, I think it is fantastic if you can manage not to go to work. I think it is wonderful if you can give your home and family your undivided attention. I hate it when I have to spend the weekend catching up with cleaning. It cuts into my quality time with the kids but if I didn't do it, we'd be living in a pig sty.

Well I think you sound like a great mom!
It really is not SAHM vs. working moms, because like everything else there are going to be good and bad in both.
IMHO, I think a good mom is one that has their priorities in order and does the best they can for their families.

 

[faindrops27]

Not even sure how to respond to this? So I won't....

Bottom line is that I am glad to hear that their are other women out there that are secure in their marriages to trust that their spouses will not divorce them during a mid life crisis. I have spent the last 16 years being the caretaker of DH and kids and am looking forward to this next phase of it just being DH and I.

Uhh, my post means exactly what it says. If my husband were a millionaire. I wouldnt mind lounging around the house. As, I stated, I live on Long Island. My husband makes a good amount of money. Yet, there is no way, living on Long island. I could afford to be a sahm. It just does not cut it. I hear alot of women say they stay home to cook, clean, and keep thier children? Isnt that what all mothers do. Whether, they work, or not? I do all of that, before I go into work. So, actually, I am a SAHM in the day, and a a full time worker at night.

As for the other poster. Who said, explain what I meant, before, she makes a comment. Please do make a comment. Your opinions, are yours alone.

 

[arminnie]

Funny how people respond to threads that really don't pertain to them.

I'm one of those people - not a SAHM just a SAH person, but I am going to reply anyway. I have an MBA from one of the top business schools in the nation. I personally stopped working at 55. Most of my friends had stopped working (if they worked) between 40 and 50.

One of my friends didn't want to go to a reunion because she wasn't working. She wasn't a SAHM - she was taking care of a mother with Alzheimer's.
I told her not to worry about not having a career because that was the "in" thing.

No one that I know who is financially able to stop working is still working. Granted most of these are 50 year old women (and men), but that is still way short of the normal retirement age of 65.

So I would agree with you totally about not returning to the work force if you don't have to. I had a great and very, very successful career, but working is vastly over-rated. It is much more fun to travel and do what I want. I said for years that I was ready to quit work every way except financially. As soon as it financially worked out, I was so out of there.

Many of my female classmates were extremely successful - heads of major corporations and corporate divisions, etc. I won't give details as it would be too easy to identify who they are, and I will respect their privacy.

So enjoy life and don't worry about working unless you just have a strong personal desire to do so.