Anyone else a SAHM who doesn't plan on returning to the work force?

[txgirl]

With the inspiration of this thread as a final push I did it. My letter of resignation was handed in Friday. The turmoil of decision throughout the summer is over. I feel so light! My last 7p-7a will be Aug. 11th!

Thanks to all you SAHM's for sharing your thoughts!

Yea for you! What a great way to start off the school year!!!! Okay, now can you take some advice from a seasoned veteran?

*Don't* be tempted to overcommit! Once the church/school/neighborhood committees get a whiff that you are "available" they will be beatin' down the door! Seriously, I weigh everything that comes my direction but I am so cautious about who "gets" my time.

Many Blessings to you and your family!
Proverbs 24: 3-4

 

[robsmom]

One of the most interesting things I find about the take the military has on how families work together is that IF you and your husband would divorce, you would get 50% of his pension. He didn't earn it alone. You were there taking care of things and serving your country (other military wives will understand what this means) while he was wearing the rank.


I read the early post of concern that the posters husband had a pension and she did not. While the military, as stated above. has a great specific formula for this, almost all woman if divorced are entitled to part of their spouses pension if the spouse has one. In addition, divorced women can get social security benefits based upon the ex-housband earnings if they were married long enough. So as along as together you have enough saved for retirement you should be OK even if it is not per se in your name so the risk is not as bad as it might sound. for the record, however, i am a wohm and i have my own pension and 401K. Just the choice we made.

 

[staceyfe]

With the inspiration of this thread as a final push I did it. My letter of resignation was handed in Friday. The turmoil of decision throughout the summer is over. I feel so light! My last 7p-7a will be Aug. 11th!

Thanks to all you SAHM's for sharing your thoughts!

So happy for you. I am not a sahm, but work PT and am very happy with my arrangement. For anyone on the fence, just think about this: in 20 years, when your kids are grown, will you look back and say, "Gee, I wish I would have worked more?" For those that have a choice, being a sahm is very honorable.

 

[scrappinmom]

back to the OP question.....

YES I AM ! I am a licensed psychologist (PsyD) and have no intention of returning to work. I worked until oldest dd (now 12) was 5 I left my private practice the day before she started kindergarten. We've adjusted and DH is now an exec vp of a commercial bank. Now that youngest dd will be starting 1st grade people keep asking me when I'm returning to work. My response "when dh retires and we need space away from each other". Seriously, I'm busy being the PTO president, girl scout leader, and room helper. I've also volunteered a lot in the community, I help organize and run a silent auction fundraiser for a county women's shelter. I enjoy taking care of my home, I like it to look nice. I like to make dinner for my family. Don't feel guilty! ENJOY your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[scraptoons]

Yea for you! What a great way to start off the school year!!!! Okay, now can you take some advice from a seasoned veteran?

*Don't* be tempted to overcommit! Once the church/school/neighborhood committees get a whiff that you are "available" they will be beatin' down the door! Seriously, I weigh everything that comes my direction but I am so cautious about who "gets" my time.

Many Blessings to you and your family!
Proverbs 24: 3-4

Amen to that!
My commitment is church stuff. So when I am asked to do more than what I bargained for anywhere else, with a big smile I sweetly sing, no I'm sorry I just can't do that. It's something that a veteran SAHM taught me to do. It's especially effective if you play up the body language and facial expressions.
Then there are some that can't take no for an answer. We really have to stamp our feet down.
I'm sure the all the wonderful working moms feel the same way since they juggle so much to them.
But sometimes people are quick to assume that the SAHM has nothing better to do.

 

[jennobrn01]

Thank you all for your kind wishes! Thank you also for the advice on over-committment. I really needed to hear that. We too are active in our church, and it would be tempting for me to take on more because I am now a SAHM. Yet that would be going against the heart reason for staying home.

 

[sharlon]

I just saw this thread after returning from my week at WDW. I became a SAHM when 2nd child DD7 was 4 yrs old. I now have a 1 year old DS. I never enjoyed working. I had no career aspirations and never will. I certainly understand that there are women out there who do, like my best friend who just had her 4th kid. She is a college professor. I say more power to them. That's just not me. I have repeatedly told my DH that I will never, ever have a job outside the home over again, so he better work hard and have good life insurance.
I do volunteer: PTA President (outgoing, yea!), girl scout leader, and other stuff. Needless to say DS1 is very comfortable at the school. But I enjoy this and it benefits my kids.
BTW, I am not a great housekeeper and I hate cooking. But, I love being a mom to my 3 great kids. Luckily that is a title I will always have.

 

[schlepsnort]

Exactly! I agree 100 %. Some of us SAHM sacrifice alot to be able to stay home. I don't have the latest fashion and very rarely get my nails done. Also I clean my house and do the yardwork myself while juggling a DS who is terrible 2. DD6 will be in 1st grade next week and then it will be juggling school and homework and Dance lessons. I think staying is ahrder because you don't get any breaks including going to the bathroom by yourself when your kids are little. And when they get older it's a whole new set of problems.
We are all moms and should not bash each other but this thread has gotten way . If tommorow My DH leaves me then I guess I would be screwed to have a good paying job after being a SAHM for 7 years. I also hate when other working moms ask when you are going back to work, as if you have to when your kids go to school. My DH thinks I should work when our little one goes to school and I don't agree. He just wants extra money that I think we could live without. right now I volunteer at DD's school and go on there fieldtrips and take the kids to activities. I work from the time I get up unitil I go to bed at night. SAHM is not and easy job at all but is so rewarding.

I 100% agree! Some people saying that we should almost prepare for our DHs to leave us! That seems awfully pessimistic!
I have been a SAHM since our 1st son was born. I tried to go back to work shortly after having DS #2 due to DH being laid off. Thankfully he got another job and I was able to SAHM again. Since then I have never looked back at the working world with longing.
I do some freelance work but I dictate the schedule and some times I work and sometimes I don't.
If my DH were to leave me, yep I'd be screwed but you know what, you can't predict life. You take it as it comes.
We have no savings, DH has no pension or 401K. We are your average middle american living paycheck to paycheck. I resent those who say, "Well why don't YOU get a job?"
I can't! That's why! I am now totally disabled! So even if I wanted to work FT or even PT at a 'regular' job, I can't! So we make do with what we have. Right now we are doing better than we had in the past but we still live frugally. This is our first family vacation ever and it was the result of a nice tax refund, DH working overtime when he could and us cutting costs anywhere we could.
We are calling it our prevention of mental breakdown vacation.
SAHM do a lot of work, it is stressful and no less demanding than a job out of the home.
There are days when I look at the clock, it's 1p.m. and I still haven't eaten anything!
I really wish that other Moms would stop looking down on the 'rest' of us who maybe don't do things the way 'they' think we 'should'. Would I like to have a retirement fund, heck yah! Would I like to have more financial freedom? Point me to the person who wouldn't! But the thing is, you do the best that you can and that is the best that people can expect from you.

 

[MrsPete]

Exactly! I agree 100 %. Some of us SAHM sacrifice alot to be able to stay home. I don't have the latest fashion and very rarely get my nails done. Also I clean my house and do the yardwork myself while juggling a DS who is terrible 2. DD6 will be in 1st grade next week and then it will be juggling school and homework and Dance lessons. I think staying is ahrder because you don't get any breaks including going to the bathroom by yourself when your kids are little. And when they get older it's a whole new set of problems.
We are all moms and should not bash each other but this thread has gotten way .

You say moms shouldn't bash each other, but your comment about SAHMs making sacrafices and working hard is where you really lose many of the working moms. You're implying that SAHMs are the only ones who sacrafice for their families, that they're working so hard -- the implication is that working moms have it made -- probably with all those lunch breaks and adult conversation. Working moms also have 2-year olds and clean their houses; they also have to supervise homework and drive to dance class. Your comment is one of those backhanded stabs that fuels the fire.

Having done both, I assure you that they are BOTH hard work -- the details just differ. Being a SAHM is tough in that you never get a break from it; being a working mom is tough in that you have to do just as much, but you have to do it in less time. Speaking only for myself, I worried about money more as a SAHM, but I was much more tired as a working mom. As a SAHM I found late-afternoons to be the most difficult because I was out of energy and the kids were fussy; as a working mom I find mornings the most difficult because we are so rushed.

The truth is that being a mom requires sacrafice; most moms aren't unhappy or bothered by this -- they're perfectly willing to give up things for their children.

 

[MrsPete]

I read the early post of concern that the posters husband had a pension and she did not. While the military, as stated above. has a great specific formula for this, almost all woman if divorced are entitled to part of their spouses pension if the spouse has one. In addition, divorced women can get social security benefits based upon the ex-housband earnings if they were married long enough. So as along as together you have enough saved for retirement you should be OK even if it is not per se in your name so the risk is not as bad as it might sound. for the record, however, i am a wohm and i have my own pension and 401K. Just the choice we made.

These things are so tricky -- that's why we need lawyers. Every situation is so individual.

If two people get married, they both work at jobs that are approximately equal, then they divorce without children . . . it seems logical that she deserves none of his pension (or social security). No one's career /retirement was harmed by this ill-fated marriage.

On the other hand, if they get married and they decide together that it's best for her to stay home with the children, and she does so for 20 years -- long enough that she doesn't really have the time to "catch up" career-wise, and she'll never build up the retirement she could've . . . then she does deserve some of his pension. She was furthering his career by allowing him to go to work every day relatively unemcumbered by the day-to-day needs of his family, plus she was following through with an agreement they'd made together.

Since most people are going to fall somewhere between these two extremes, it's best have an impartial court make the decisions. There are so many details that come into it:

What if they divorce, but she continues to raise his children? That makes her career more difficult. Does he owe her anything?

What if he wanted her to get a job while they were married, but she just wouldn't? Does he then have reason to withhold his pension?

What if one former spouse makes a ton more money than the other? Does that affect who might owe whom?

 

[MrsPete]

I 100% agree! Some people saying that we should almost prepare for our DHs to leave us! That seems awfully pessimistic!

That is a pessimistic way to put it, but since we live in a difficult world, I do think it's wise to have a back-up plan, a safety net of sorts. Divorce wrecks the plans of many families, as do disability, death, and lay-offs.

I would never say that all SAHMs should rush out and get jobs "just in case" their husband leaves them, but I do think all women should complete their educations prior to having children, and they should be able to provide for their families financially if they should ever need or want to do so. Statistics say that 50% of American families will divorce -- it's too risky not to have a back-up plan.

 

[beattyfamily]

You say moms shouldn't bash each other, but your comment about SAHMs making sacrafices and working hard is where you really lose many of the working moms. You're implying that SAHMs are the only ones who sacrafice for their families, that they're working so hard -- the implication is that working moms have it made -- probably with all those lunch breaks and adult conversation. Working moms also have 2-year olds and clean their houses; they also have to supervise homework and drive to dance class. Your comment is one of those backhanded stabs that fuels the fire.

Having done both, I assure you that they are BOTH hard work -- the details just differ. Being a SAHM is tough in that you never get a break from it; being a working mom is tough in that you have to do just as much, but you have to do it in less time. Speaking only for myself, I worried about money more as a SAHM, but I was much more tired as a working mom. As a SAHM I found late-afternoons to be the most difficult because I was out of energy and the kids were fussy; as a working mom I find mornings the most difficult because we are so rushed.

The truth is that being a mom requires sacrafice; most moms aren't unhappy or bothered by this -- they're perfectly willing to give up things for their children.

Just an fyi... kaysmommie was replying to marcyinPA who wrote:

Keep in mind that not all SAHM's have husbands who make six figures. Mine makes under $40K and I am just returning to the workforce part-time this year, after 11 years at home. We have made major adjustments over the years and still live within our means. We have one car, our mortgage is much less than most people's rent, and we don't have all the newest toys. Still, we are able to provide nicely for two children and go on vacation once a year. Many times, my dh and I do without...no new shoes, etc. But it's totally worth it for us! I've never considered my sacrifices to stay home a luxury....but I do feel totally blessed!!

and marcyinPA post was in response to this post:

It is a luxury to have someone else pay your mortgage, all your bills, put food on your table etc. I would imagine that most moms who work do so in order to pay those kinds of bills not so they can drive a Lexus, get their nails done etc. If you can live comfortably on your husband's salary alone, you are fortunate.

The above comment could also be taken the wrong way by some SAHMs and can possibly be seen as a backhanded stab as well. Maybe because of the above comment a couple of SAHMs wanted to point out that it might be because of several financial sacrifices, they were able to stay home and maybe not necessarily being fortunate. Although I feel VERY fortunate that I can stay home thanks to my DH.

Just wanted to clarify who was quoting whom when this whole 'sacrifices' word came up.

 

[scraptoons]

Since we all come from different backgrounds, environments, situations, etc, and we all have our own imperfections (or none), we can certainly add alot of lively opinions. Here's some of mine.

Sacrifice is definately an individual thing. We all have our own definitions and examples for the word.

Luxury can also be defined differently too.
Is going to get a set of acrylic nails done a luxury? Could be, but maybe not if you are a type that would prefer neat, trimmed nails, for example.

There are things that come easy for some, like public speaking. Someone posted a thread saying they were really nervous about it.
For me, I LOVE to get in front of people and embarass myself. I get such a rush from it. Don't ask, I'm . It does come from what I've been thru in life...long story.
It's a sacrifice for that person, but a luxury for me.

Then there are things a person may take for granted and think they are entitled to. While another person may long for that very same thing.

The irony of it is that those things we think we are entitled to can be simple everyday things.
Like a roof over our heads. Clean water to drink and bathe our children in. Stars and the moon in the sky. A new day to start over with no mistakes. Having an opportunity to sit at a computer and DIS for a while....

 

[lookingforward]

With the inspiration of this thread as a final push I did it. My letter of resignation was handed in Friday. The turmoil of decision throughout the summer is over. I feel so light! My last 7p-7a will be Aug. 11th!

Thanks to all you SAHM's for sharing your thoughts!

I am not a SAHM, but I used to be. Congratulations on your decision. I hope you enjoy your time at home. I a happy for you!

 

[noodleknitter]

Luxury can also be defined differently too.
Is going to get a set of acrylic nails done a luxury? Could be, but maybe not if you are a type that would prefer neat, trimmed nails, for example.

Then there are things a person may take for granted and think they are entitled to. While another person may long for that very same thing.

The irony of it is that those things we think we are entitled to can be simple everyday things.
Like a roof over our heads. Clean water to drink and bathe our children in.

Because I so strongly agree with your last statement, I will comment that acrylic nails are a luxury for any person. We have so much that we take for granted. If you have ever been flooded out, burned down, or tornado hit, the concerns are for the people, and true necessities (food, clean water, shelter), not the stuff and not the fluff.

We are blessed in this country that we have options (usually) and that we are able to choose between the luxuries and priorities.

As for planning my life around my impending divorce, it isn't going to happen. We do have safety nets in place, however, because there are plenty of other crisis situations.

 

[disykat]

I'm happy with my decision to stay home, happy with my current work situation, and happy with my future work plans.

Now here's the problem - obviously by my statements I've made a backhanded implication that those who have chosen differently than me are clearly unhappy. Unfortunately I haven't given enough info for anyone to lecture me.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe saying that you are happy to be home with your kids and actually having the nerve to state your reasons is insulting people who make a different choice. Some people just look for debates.