Anyone else a SAHM who doesn't plan on returning to the work force?

[Ava31]

I couldn't imagine not being there to pick my DD's up from school. I realize that when they're driving themselves home, I might change my tune, but right now with one in diapers and the other in 1st grade, I feel like I'm doing the most important job in the world.

I was previously in the mortgage business and loved feeling competent and having a decent paycheck, but I've since seen the light. When I was a kid, my mom worked 9-5 and my brother and I were always at the babysitter's house until 6. By the time we got home, ate dinner, and did our homework, it was time for bed and we hardly got to see our parents except on weekends. Not only do I get to see all of my baby's firsts, I also get to volunteer in my DD's classroom, give her an after school snack, take her to the playground, and a lot of little things that I take for granted. I only hope that she understands the value of it someday and bestows this precious gift upon her own children.

 

[faindrops27]

I think her point was that if you do all that you say you do, you KNOW that we are not just lounging around all day. Even if my DH was a millionaire, I would be with my kids all day, not just lounging.

And no it is not the same. My friend who has kids in daycare all day, if her house ins clean in the morning, she comes home to a clean house because the kids are not there all day. They aren't painting, cooking, playing at the house all day to mess it up. Someone else feeds them during the day, so there are no extra dishes or kitchens to clean when you get home unless they were already dirty. Any of my friends who have truly done both say that working is much much easier than staying home if you are a good SAHM!


Andrea

Andrea, Going to work. You say is less hard? Then being a stay at home mom? I guess. Everyone has thier own opinions. I happen to disagree. Because, everyones situation is not the same. I have 2 preschoolers. Who, stay home with me, all day, until. I head into work. Would you call that easy? Maybe you would. I do, it because, I am thier mother! I love my babies!! Well, I cook, and clean, and have structured, and unstructured playtime for my children. Daytime trips, parks, beach, chuck e cheese. I treat my children, as I want them to remember me. A nuturing fun loving, cuddly wuddly mommy . Most of all I just want them to grow up being, productive, caring, and loving adults.
Now, I do look at mothers who get to stay at home all day, with thier children a luxury. Who wouldnt want that? I dont see, where any stay at home mother, could, or would think differently. It is lounging, to me. How isnt it? A mother, cooks, and cleans, takes care of household, and loves on her children anyway. .But, hey opinions are just that. Opinions.

 

[lookingforward]

Thank you. This thread was not about all moms, it was about SAHM. I would not go on a thread that was solely directed towards WOHM and tell them they are wrong for doing so or how they should feel about it. But I will post that on a thread that is about SAHM because that's what I am. This is a thread where we should be able to post about our choices without having to explain to everyone what we mean when we post something. If WOHM feel offended by it, that is because of their own insecurities otherwise it wouldn't bother them so much. Did the WOHM that responded think they were going to come on this specific thread and find posters that think working out of the home is the best choice?


Obviously we think we are making the best choice for us and our kids or we wouldn't be doing it. Why must you always try to convince us otherwise, I don't get it. And the whole idea that someone else pays all our bills is so funny as if when both parents work their DH's check doesn't go towards the bills at all. If it does, then you also have someone else paying your bills don't you?

If anyone remembers right, I said my mom was divorced and single when I was 7. I understand sometimes parents have to work and have no other choice. That's a fact of life. But for anyone to claim that working and being away from your kids is the same as being home with them, well I will never agree. That's my opinion and you are entitled to yours, but frankly it doesn't belong on a SAH thread. Nobody can understand why these posts go wrong? It's because people feel the need to come into what should be a harmless thread for SAHM to explain their reasons for not returning to work and tell us their side like we haven't heard it a million times already. Thanks but no thanks.


Andrea

I am no longer a stay at home mom now that my daughter is going into second grade. Does this mean that I can't post my opinion? I was a SAHM who decided to go back to work. I guess only those who are going to stay at home can post? Seriously, I have not noticed working moms trying to "convince" SAHM moms to go to work! Several people raised the subject of retirement and financial security in regards to being a SAHM and I don't think that was meant to be an arguement. It was given as something to consider when deciding to stay at home. Knowledge is power.I agree that this post should not be a debate but we should all be able to voice our opinions.....not just those who are liked minded. For me, I decided to head back to work for a while. I think that I have some valid opinions to offer. I would never dictate what is right or wrong for anyone else since there are as endless variables, values and considerations.

 

[dizcrazy]

"I am no longer a stay at home mom now that my daughter is going into second grade. Does this mean that I can't post my opinion? "

EXACTLY!

And no one is trying to change anyone's mind about being a SAHM -- in fact, I think there are a lot more posts from SAHMs trying to convince WMs that to truly love and take care of children properly, a mother should be at home.

The point to my post was that ALL moms should be careful when it comes to their children.

 

[dsnyfamily]

If being a SAHM works for you and your family - hold your head up proudly and stick with it.

My mother was a SAHM - always there for us, kept the family together. Due to finances, she had to get a full time job outside the home after I graduated high school (I am the oldest of 4). She now has her own company and is working one day a week which works out great for my parents. Even though all the kids are now grown, Mom is still the hub that keeps our family going.

 

[Skatermom23]

Couldn't have said it better! My kids are two years apart and we planned it that way so that I could re-enter the work force as soon as they started school. Each phase of their lives allows us to look at ourselves and decide what to do. I still see myselft home during HS. Perhaps once college gets here I might decide to help out with cost and get a part time job. Who knows.
As a side note, I met one of DD's friends mom last night. She has two in college and a DD in middle school and she doesn't work outside the home! We got to talking about how it isn't common for ladies with older kids to not be working. We felt like we had an instant bond....Wow, I might have a real life friend in the same situation as me!

 

[mlwear]

I agree. Also, I was a stay at home mom for five years when by daughter was born until she went to school.. I also stayed home for a few years in between with my older two while traveling around with my husband who was in USMC. That said, now that I am in my 40's I realized that I do not have any retirement plan. I have a good marriage and we are comfortable financially BUT my husband has two pensions. If he were to ever divorce me I would be in a bad situation for the future. YES, I would get half the house, half the savings, half the investments. BUT I would not have a pension or source of income in my senior years other than a small amount of social security. That is not fair. Do I have regrets about staying home, NO WAY! But women do get the shaft when these things happen. And they do happen. One more issue...when I stayed home for those years my career minded friends climbed the ladder and I have not. I am working in a great job but not at the level they are. My income potential has been limited by those stay at home years, which is my reality. We are actually planning on moving to NC so that my husband's salary is more than enough for us to live really well and still save for the future. I plan on working part time.

One of the most interesting things I find about the take the military has on how families work together is that IF you and your husband would divorce, you would get 50% of his pension. He didn't earn it alone. You were there taking care of things and serving your country (other military wives will understand what this means) while he was wearing the rank.
(Perhaps, part of the thinking behind this is the realization that spouses were required to move so often with their spouse that even if they were working, they would not be able to accrue the retirement potential as non-military counterparts, I'm not sure). Just wanted to clarify that in military divorces that involve a retirement benefit the spouse gets 50% if they were married during the full 20 years. I imagine there is a formula that is used if the marriage was not as long. I hope you never have to find out. I don't intend to either. But, I have a friend who chose to divorce her husband and she is getting part of his pension. See post #135 for better details and explaination.

I have to add another idea for SAHM's to consider if they are concerned that they may have to unexpectedly re-enter the workforce someday. A great way to keep up your skills and do it when it is convenient for you is volunteer work. It is also a great source for future references. Plus, it is a wonderful thing to do for society and perhaps most important sets a good example for your children. I love being a volunteer. I set my own hours and if something comes up (my kids are in school now but if one if sick or has a dr. appt.) I don't HAVE to go. I always make it clear that my family comes first. I love being able to help at my kids' school (a big benefit for them as well), I also get to work for causes for which I am passionate. Just wanted to clarify by editing my post to avoid misinterpretation that volunteerism can go beyond the school, too. Non-profit organizations can use volunteers with high level skills. I have greatly enjoyed the advocacy work that I have done for various charitable causes.

 

[sara74]

I think there are a lot more posts from SAHMs trying to convince WMs that to truly love and take care of children properly, a mother should be at home.

In the words of another poster - Thanks, but no thanks. WOHMs don't need convincing any more than SAHMs need it. Because it is a personal decision to be made only by the two people who stood there and took those vows to each other. I'm sorry that I had a hand in turning this into a debate, but I feel the need now to say that thankfully the world is not as black and white as many have portrayed it. If I take some of these posts literally then the dentist mom I know whose lawyer husband left his job to be a SAHD for their 5 kids is a bad mom. Are the kids happy? yep. The mom? yep. The dad? yep. Then who are we (ANY of us) to say where her place is?

The point to my post was that ALL moms should be careful when it comes to their children.

Duly noted and completely agreed with!

Let's all be thankful that we can have this debate and make these choices! My own mom wanted nothing more than to be able to be at home all the time from our infancies to the present and at times she has been able to do that and at times she has not. It was great that she wasn't working when my sister went back to work so my mom cared for her daughter. SAHMs perform many functions vital to our community and should be valued for their many contributions! Volunteering in the community and schools is just the first example I can think of.

I had someone point out to me that as someone working 15 hours a week I could be considered a SAHM myself. I guess I choose not to view myself that way because I have felt so judged by so many who use the SAHM title.

That said, if my status as a work just a little mom (WJLM - there's a new label for all of us!), counts for anything-------------and I'm sure some will say it doesn't ----- but here it is anyway. My plan is to continue with my itty bitty work schedule for a long, long time. I have no plans to ever own my own office. No plans to ever work a 40 hour week. Not while the kids are young and not when they are high schoolers and not college and maybe when they have kids I can watch my grandkids if my daughter or daughters in law choose to work. So, I'm not a full time SAHM, but I see where you all are coming from. In my own way then, and if some posters will allow me to 'do it my way' then I am in total agreement with the OP. If I had said this from the start it would have been better, but I felt the need to back up my mom who had to do so much so well to give us the childhood we had.

 

[MATTERHORN]

So, I'm not a full time SAHM, but I see where you all are coming from.[/U] In my own way then, and if some posters will allow me to 'do it my way' then I am in total agreement with the OP. If I had said this from the start it would have been better, but I felt the need to back up my mom who had to do so much so well to give us the childhood we had.

You know I am sorry this did turn so ugly. I guess I just don't get why the WOHM can't understand why I get upset that they would come on a thread that is obviously meant for those that SAH and let us know how their way is working so well. That's great, but why bother? I am not going to think that's better. You read all about my growing up, it was the exact same way that you did and I would defend my mom to the death. But I still don't agree it's the best way. That is why we all have our opinions!

As another PP said, never say never. Well clearly the title of the post says for those that don't PLAN to go back to work. For me that means I hope I never have to. It could happen, I am not that naive. But I hope that it never never does because I never never want to. So I am planning not to as the OP had asked!

I guess this thread should die like the others though because instead of us SAHM being able to state our reasons why we don't plan to go back, I feel like we are automatically put on the defensive by some posts by WOHM. They say we are so defensive but I ask you to look and see that this was an awesome and valueable thread (to me and some others) before many WOHM started posting. It was only then that it took a turn. It's not that we don't know there are other ways to do it and it's not that I think all my friends kids who have moms and dads that work are horrible kids because they aren't. It's just that I chose a way that I and my family are happy and wanted to post about it without hearing all the negatives for once. Yes there are many drawbacks to staying at home, but I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world!


Andrea

 

[gina2000]

Well, I didn't plan to go back to work but I got bored once my DS entered middle school so I started subbing. Am I allowed to reply????

I think circumstances change, lifestyles change and people change. When my son moved on to middle school, his school no longer needed me as a volunteer. As much as I enjoyed being home doing things, I felt I needed a change. So I subbed and I love it. I'm home when I need to be, work when I want to and enjoy the perks of being home AND being at work. For me, it was time. Maybe someday many of you will find it to be time to do something else....be it staying home after working for years or working after staying home for years. Hopefully you'll have the choice instead of being forced to continue to do something that no longer fulfills you. That's my wish for everyone here....fulfillment at whatever you do and the opportunity to change if you need/want to.

 

[disneyjunkie]

You know I am sorry this did turn so ugly. I guess I just don't get why the WOHM can't understand why I get upset that they would come on a thread that is obviously meant for those that SAH and let us know how their way is working so well. That's great, but why bother? I am not going to think that's better. You read all about my growing up, it was the exact same way that you did and I would defend my mom to the death. But I still don't agree it's the best way. That is why we all have our opinions!

As another PP said, never say never. Well clearly the title of the post says for those that don't PLAN to go back to work. For me that means I hope I never have to. It could happen, I am not that naive. But I hope that it never never does because I never never want to. So I am planning not to as the OP had asked!

I guess this thread should die like the others though because instead of us SAHM being able to state our reasons why we don't plan to go back, I feel like we are automatically put on the defensive by some posts by WOHM. They say we are so defensive but I ask you to look and see that this was an awesome and valueable thread (to me and some others) before many WOHM started posting. It was only then that it took a turn. It's not that we don't know there are other ways to do it and it's not that I think all my friends kids who have moms and dads that work are horrible kids because they aren't. It's just that I chose a way that I and my family are happy and wanted to post about it without hearing all the negatives for once. Yes there are many drawbacks to staying at home, but I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world!


Andrea

All board members are free to post to any of the threads here.

I have a suggestion. In the future if you want WOMs to stay out of SAHMs threads, you might want to put an end to the veiled insults when they start.

If the insults are ignored/encouraged, then changes are one of us will pipe up and post a response.

For the record, as a WOM, I do the same things that a SOHM does. When my son was younger, the house would be cleaned when we came home. However, by the time he was done running around and playing it was a mess so I'd have to clean up before I went to bed each evening.

 

[justkeepswimmin]

I have a suggestion. In the future if you want WOMs to stay out of SAHMs threads, you might want to put an end to the veiled insults when they start.

If the insults are ignored/encouraged, then changes are one of us will pipe up and post a response.

The title of this thread was "Anyone else a SAHM who doesn't plan on returning to the work force." It seemed to be soliciting advise from people with a certain experience and did not seem to have any veiled insults in the beginning. I did not post here because I didn't feel I had the information the OP was looking for.

It's funny, if this post was titled "Anyone else eat at CRT and order the prime rib?" people who had eaten at CRT would respond and people who had not might read the post but probably wouldn't post anything. Is it really unreasonable for the OP to expect that people who had a similar experience would respond with advice and people who had no point of reference for her particular situation would not have anything to add. It makes me ill to see how some of us tear each other apart with insults and jabs and thinly veiled sarcasm. This board has so many threads that go downhill fast because of this whole "Mommy War" mentality.

We are on the same team people. Working, not working, somewhere in between. Neither status makes you any better than anyone else. Period. Motherhood is a gift we all share. Most of us post in places like these seeking out support from others. Why make someone else feel bad about their choices. Does that really make ANYBODY feel any better?

 

[sara74]

Ah, so true...but then would 10 people post about how the prime rib at CRT is overpriced, has had too many changes, doesn't come with good side dishes and a much better meal could be had at _______? That too would be OT to the original question and could spark a lively discussion as well.

Just food ( ) for thought on your food for thought!

 

[sm4987]

No, count me in also. I have a BS in communications and a Masters degree. I have no plans on going back to work. Kids are 10 and 7. DH makes enough to where I don't have to. Even if he didn't on one job, he'd get to just so I could. I really love being with the kids!!!!

 

[lookingforward]

One of the most interesting things I find about the take the military has on how families work together is that IF you and your husband would divorce, you would get 50% of his pension. He didn't earn it alone. You were there taking care of things and serving your country (other military wives will understand what this means) while he was wearing the rank.
(Perhaps, part of the thinking behind this is the realization that spouses were required to move so often with their spouse that even if they were working, they would not be able to accrue the retirement potential as non-military counterparts, I'm not sure). Just wanted to clarify that in military divorces that involve a retirement benefit the spouse gets 50% if they were married during the full 20 years. I imagine there is a formula that is used if the marriage was not as long. I hope you never have to find out. I don't intend to either. But, I have a friend who chose to divorce her husband and she is getting part of his pension.

I have to add another idea for SAHM's to consider if they are concerned that they may have to unexpectedly re-enter the workforce someday. A great way to keep up your skills and do it when it is convenient for you is volunteer work. It is also a great source for future references. Plus, it is a wonderful thing to do for society and perhaps most important sets a good example for your children. I love being a volunteer. I set my own hours and if something comes up (my kids are in school now but if one if sick or has a dr. appt.) I don't HAVE to go. I always make it clear that my family comes first. I love being able to help at my kids' school (a big benefit for them as well), I also get to work for causes for which I am passionate. Just wanted to clarify by editing my post to avoid misinterpretation that volunteerism can go beyond the school, too. Non-profit organizations can use volunteers with high level skills. I have greatly enjoyed the advocacy work that I have done for various charitable causes.

Don't get mad at me for going "Off topic" but I appreciate the above post. It is true that some military wives do get a portion of the service members pension, however not many wives are there for the entire 20 year ride. It then depends on the state you file in and other variables and 10 years is really the low limit. Federal law only provided guarantees for those married for the 20/20 rule. Military wives DESERVE more than they get. They can't even use their husbands education funds if he can't. And if he is forced to leave the service before he reaches 20 years they get no health insurance, pension, etc.

Also, many military wives work as volunteers to keep them busy while their husbands are gone and to keep up their job skills. I did it for years. Volunteers rock!

 

[MATTERHORN]

The title of this thread was "Anyone else a SAHM who doesn't plan on returning to the work force." It seemed to be soliciting advise from people with a certain experience and did not seem to have any veiled insults in the beginning. I did not post here because I didn't feel I had the information the OP was looking for.

It's funny, if this post was titled "Anyone else eat at CRT and order the prime rib?" people who had eaten at CRT would respond and people who had not might read the post but probably wouldn't post anything. Is it really unreasonable for the OP to expect that people who had a similar experience would respond with advice and people who had no point of reference for her particular situation would not have anything to add. It makes me ill to see how some of us tear each other apart with insults and jabs and thinly veiled sarcasm. This board has so many threads that go downhill fast because of this whole "Mommy War" mentality.

?

Thank you. You said what I have been trying to say but have failed! Why bother responding to the post. It's not that people can't post wherever they want, it's a free world. The problem is why bother posting when the post was clearly about those that plan to stay home? Why do you think we need you to tell us all the downfalls to SAH? Do you think I just decided on a whim one day to stay home? Do you think there's anything you could tell me that I haven't already thought of a million times or played out a million times in my mind? This thread was for people who, after all that, still plan to stay home because they think it's best. Why can't you just leave it at that? If you don't agree, why post? It seems like you are the ones looking for a debate by even posting at all.


Andrea

 

[meloneyb21]

justkeepswimmin & MATTERHORN, I swear, you said that exact thing my fingers were screaming to write, I just didn't know how to word it.....You couldn't have said it/wrote it in a better way

 

[kaysmommie]

Keep in mind that not all SAHM's have husbands who make six figures. Mine makes under $40K and I am just returning to the workforce part-time this year, after 11 years at home. We have made major adjustments over the years and still live within our means. We have one car, our mortgage is much less than most people's rent, and we don't have all the newest toys. Still, we are able to provide nicely for two children and go on vacation once a year. Many times, my dh and I do without...no new shoes, etc. But it's totally worth it for us! I've never considered my sacrifices to stay home a luxury....but I do feel totally blessed!!

Marcy

Exactly! I agree 100 %. Some of us SAHM sacrifice alot to be able to stay home. I don't have the latest fashion and very rarely get my nails done. Also I clean my house and do the yardwork myself while juggling a DS who is terrible 2. DD6 will be in 1st grade next week and then it will be juggling school and homework and Dance lessons. I think staying is ahrder because you don't get any breaks including going to the bathroom by yourself when your kids are little. And when they get older it's a whole new set of problems.
We are all moms and should not bash each other but this thread has gotten way . If tommorow My DH leaves me then I guess I would be screwed to have a good paying job after being a SAHM for 7 years. I also hate when other working moms ask when you are going back to work, as if you have to when your kids go to school. My DH thinks I should work when our little one goes to school and I don't agree. He just wants extra money that I think we could live without. right now I volunteer at DD's school and go on there fieldtrips and take the kids to activities. I work from the time I get up unitil I go to bed at night. SAHM is not and easy job at all but is so rewarding.

 

[jennobrn01]

With the inspiration of this thread as a final push I did it. My letter of resignation was handed in Friday. The turmoil of decision throughout the summer is over. I feel so light! My last 7p-7a will be Aug. 11th!

Thanks to all you SAHM's for sharing your thoughts!

 

[MATTERHORN]

With the inspiration of this thread as a final push I did it. My letter of resignation was handed in Friday. The turmoil of decision throughout the summer is over. I feel so light! My last 7p-7a will be Aug. 11th!

Thanks to all you SAHM's for sharing your thoughts!

Congratulations! I hope you will be happy with your decision!! I know that I will never regret choosing to spend more time with the kiddos. You can always go back to work but you can never get the years back!

August 11th~


Andrea