Any advice for too many gifts?

[rt2dz]

I agree with you in principle (although I completely disagree that you don't need someone's permission to give a gift - anyone who wants to give my child a gift had better d@mn well have my approval first... am I supposed to let her have dangerous toys or "kindergarten slut" clothes or tons of candy just because someone else thought it was a good idea?). But in this case, the parent has already set guidelines, and her mother has ignored them. In that case, I think being rude (by refusing the gifts) is better than being a doormat when it comes to parenting decisions.

Well, to each their own. My personal opinion is that it is incrediably wonderful when someone thinks enough of me and my child to spend their time and money to give us something they think we would like. When items have come that aren't age appropriate we still say thank you AND write the thank you note, and then I put it up until it IS age appropriate. And when people (read grandparents) overload my kids on junk food, I just look the other way. I mean, really, how often does that happen? For us, not very. Lots of junk food isn't going to hurt them once in a while; it's not like it happens every day at home.

I have just found by respecting their desire to spoil, they respect my perameters. I also found that I had to put it in writing so that they took my boundries a little more seriously and didn't forget what they were. More the second reason than the first. It's a two-way street--very win-win. Besides, this way my children win all the way around. There is no battling over control and they get to have a good relationship with their grandparents; not listen to people fighting or picking up on subtle resentments (either side) or not seeing grandparents at all.

And when the guidlines are ignored, just keep repeating them. Think of it like teaching a toddler. You can't just tell them once, especially when it goes against their natural desires. There is no magical moment when someone just "gets" it. {{You can't demostrate ingratitude towards gifts and then suddenly expect your child to be gracious over birthday,graduation & wedding gifts. You need to start at the beginning and be consistent until the student has learned the desired behavior}}. You might not be happy with the gifts (I've been there many a time), but by accepting them in front of your child you teach your child the more important lesson in the end. Then when not in front of your child you just simply go over your desires to limit items and why to your parents. Hardly being a doormat in my opinion. It keeps all the relationships in good standing and teaches desired behavior to all.

But again, just my opinion. It is what I did that worked VERY WELL for me.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I know this can be hard and please don't flame me but I don't think it's a big deal. I agree that raising your kids to expect it is wrong, but I also know alot of people who's kids have grandparents that are not too interested in the grandkids. Maybe Grandma is trying to make up for the things that she couldn't do when her kids were young? My Mom goes crazy buying stuff for the kids but we do discuss what she and my Dad are getting my kids for holidays, birthdays etc. She does agree that the kids have an insane amount of stuff and tries to buy a few small gifts and then contributing to their college fund. Both sets of grandparents actually do this. BUT- it doesn't stop my Mom from trying to buy huge gifts for them anyway! Sometimes I just put the gifts away a few days after the kids open them for a leter date. Now let me add this- my kids don't expect anything from their grandparents but their time and love. The gifts are nice but they really just enjoy being with grandma and grandpa. So all the gifts aren't spoiling them and making them bratty. I also go through the toys from time to time and explain that some children's mommy's and daddy's can't afford to buy them nice toys so we are going to give them some of ours because we have so much. They are fine with that. I know I am not helping your situation but maybe you could at least discuss what is a good gift and what is not. I know it can be frustrating but at least you have doting granparents.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well, to each their own. My personal opinion is that it is incrediably wonderful when someone thinks enough of me and my child to spend their time and money to give us something they think we would like.

See, I think this is part of the problem. The MIL in the original post isn't buying gifts because she "thinks enough" of the mom and her child. At least not IMHO. And I think that's what a lot of people are missing. This isn't a case of a doting grandparent who just wants to spoil her grandchild. This is someone who is involved in a power struggle. It's also not about what they "think we would like." The mom has already given suggestions about other gifts the child would like - zoo membership, etc. - and grandma refuses to get those because "they won't open it and know it's from me." This is not about what the kids want. It's about what grandma wants. Grandma wants recognition and accolades.

I have just found by respecting their desire to spoil, they respect my perameters.

The MIL in this case is not respecting the parent's parameters at all - she seems to be gleefully ignoring them.

And when the guidlines are ignored, just keep repeating them. Think of it like teaching a toddler.

These people are not toddlers. They're adults. They're adults who are deliberately and repeatedly ignoring the parents' decisions. I just can't agree that one should coddle people like that. All it does is show them that if they ignore you, they get their own way. I wouldn't teach a toddler like that, and I certainly wouldn't enforce an adult's behavior like that.

You can't just tell them once, especially when it goes against their natural desires.

LOL! I don't care a bit about anyone else's "natural desires" when they deliberately and repeatedlyfly in the face of my parenting decisions.

{{You can't demostrate ingratitude towards gifts and then suddenly expect your child to be gracious over birthday,graduation & wedding gifts. You need to start at the beginning and be consistent until the student has learned the desired behavior}}.

Of course. That's why I said I would reject the excessive gifts before the child ever sees them. The child shouldn't know what's going on behind the scenes.

But again, just my opinion. It is what I did that worked VERY WELL for me.

Unfortunately, it worked very well for you because you were dealing with normal, rational adults. The OP is not.

 

[lillygator]

Tracy - I think you pretty much get the whole picture.

I am going to try and speak with my mother and say we would like to set a limit on the amount of gifts both girls get...say maybe 5 gifts. I don't know how well it will go over or what will happen come xmas but we will see. My sister is already setting me up for my mom and gma bringing gifts to WDW to her birthday party which said no gifts on the invite. If they can't even respect those wishes....then I have serious doubts for xmas.

It is just so wasteful....IMO....and this year I have bought a few things already for DD which will be from Santa and I think DH and I will get her the aquarium membership and more $$ to her college fund.

 

[tlbwriter]

My sister is already setting me up for my mom and gma bringing gifts to WDW to her birthday party which said no gifts on the invite. If they can't even respect those wishes....then I have serious doubts for xmas.

Since grandma so desperately wants recognition, a good tactic might be to deny her the recognition. Try to somehow get the gifts from her before the b-day girl sees them and lock them in your trunk. Tell her no one else brought gifts - since they were asked not to - and you have not planned for a gift-opening time. If she doesn't get to bask in the glory of the gift-opening, you've taken away one of her reasons for giving the gift in the first place.

 

[jcsbama]

I read most of the posts, but thought I'd inform you of a great idea my MIL did and how it is working out.

My MIL's neighbors have a little girl that is one year older than my daughter that is 18 months. My MIL saw everything the neighbor was getting from her grandparents and how their house was just "full" of everything imagineable. Since this was to be the first grandchild for my MIL, she wanted to provide the same way other grandparents do, only she did things differently. The money that she would spend in a month buying toys and such, she opened an account with Smith Barney. It's a savings investment type account. She has money automatically deposited each month. When DD turns 16, she can then withdraw funds from that account, but only with a signature approval from Nana. Once she's 18, she doesn't need the approval. It will be my DD's choice as to what to do with the money. Since Nana is the one that put the money aside for her, she could choose to take Nana with her on an exotic trip. Nana loves to travel and is very active snorkling, diving, you name it and I don't see that changing by the time DD is 16. Or DD could choose to continue investing and saving. It will also be a great learning tool. DH and I were very thrilled with the idea. Imagine how surprised DD will be when she gets older and realizes how much money Nana saved for her from the time she was born and what she could do with it.

 

[deadhedjen]

Since grandma so desperately wants recognition, a good tactic might be to deny her the recognition. Try to somehow get the gifts from her before the b-day girl sees them and lock them in your trunk. Tell her no one else brought gifts - since they were asked not to - and you have not planned for a gift-opening time. If she doesn't get to bask in the glory of the gift-opening, you've taken away one of her reasons for giving the gift in the first place.

This is the best piece of advice I've read on this thread yet. You said you are having DD's bd party at WDW right...well make arrangements in advance for a CM to have the gifts sent to your resort UNOPENED.

However...this will just add to the DRAMA if you don't do some prep work beforehand. So, before you all leave for DD's b-day trip you really should sit down and talk with gram. You say you've already done this before, but tell her you are coming over to the house to specifically discuss this matter. Tell her (again) that you wanted this b-day to be about the TIME spent with family not the THINGS bought by family which is why you have asked for no gifts. Then I'd look her in the eyes and ask her if she would please respect your wishes as a parent. In your mind think of all possible responses she might come up with and plan out what you are going to say in advance. But stand firm if this is really what you want for your child.

And then if she shows up with gifts in hand...smile and say oh, thank you gramdma...how's about I hand these to (insert name of CM here) and they'll set them aside for later. Have them sent to your resort and kept at the front desk where you can have them mailed to your home. It really sucks that anyone would want to go against your wishes even after a good-ol sit down heart to heart talk.

Let us know how things go.

Jennifer.

 

[Brygida]

The money that she would spend in a month buying toys and such, she opened an account with Smith Barney. It's a savings investment type account. She has money automatically deposited each month. When DD turns 16, she can then withdraw funds from that account, but only with a signature approval from Nana. Once she's 18, she doesn't need the approval.

This could end up being not a gift at all if your child ends up attending a college or university. Savings in the child's name count against the child receiving *any* financial packages the university may otherwise offer her. It is best to keep the savings in the adult's name (especially a grandmother whose income will *not* count at all towards a financial package).

The 'savings' in the account could be less than she would get through the university package. Talk to your financial advisor or check the advice at:
http://money.cnn.com/2005/09/30/pf/college/financial_aid/index.htm

 

[disneymom2one]

I think it's really important to point out that grandparents don't last forever. I've lost both my mom and my dad in the last three years and my ten year-old now doesn't have grandparents on my side. I *wish* they were around to spoil our daughter again but those days are sadly over. When my mom gave something we thought wasn't right for my kiddo we put it aside but we never told her or anything. It was her grandchild and I had the wisdom to know that as long as her dad and I didn't go overboard she would be fine (and she is).

And I'm on the other side. My sister is expecting - the first baby since my ten year old. I've already started buying gifts and I plan to spoil the heck out of this little one. I would be hurt beyond words if my sister asked me to stop or put limits. I understand not overindulging kids but I also know from first hand experience how incredible fragile life is.

 

[tlbwriter]

And I'm on the other side. My sister is expecting - the first baby since my ten year old. I've already started buying gifts and I plan to spoil the heck out of this little one. I would be hurt beyond words if my sister asked me to stop or put limits.

With all due respect, gift giving is not supposed to be about the giver, or whether you are "hurt" because you don't get to give anything and everything you want. It's supposed to be something you do for the recipient. In your case, you're talking about the simple indulgence of a loving aunt, and that's not going to hurt anybody. And I'm sure that if your sister gently pointed out that the baby was getting overwhelmed with gifts, you would draw back. And if your sister said that what your nephew/niece really wanted was swimming lessons, I'm sure you would be thrilled to fulfill that dream, even if it meant there wasn't a box to open. Because that's what loving family members do. But that is completely different from someone who (a) isn't particularly interested in what the child wants, as long as she can make a big show of gift-giving and (b) doesn't care (or believe) that the gift-giving is actually hurting the relationship. People, this goes way beyond "spoiling." Forget about your own grandparents or others who love you, those who shower you or your children with gifts and affection. This is not like that. I don't have an MIL who does this, but I know someone who does, and it is not about the grandkids. It's about the power, the control, and the attention.

If this grandma really cared about making those grandkids happy, she'd give them what they want. But she's been told what they want, and she refuses to give it to them, because it means they don't get to open a box and say "Thank you, Grandma!" If she really cared about what was best for the kids, she'd listen to their parents when they say "They are overwhelmed with gifts, so they're getting an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of what Christmas is really supposed to be." But she ignores them and keeps buying. And pouts when she doesn't get her way about it. Does that sound like the wonderful grandparents you're reminiscing about? I doubt it.

 

[MrsNick]

DS has informed me that I give too many gifts at Christmas to my DGS (and throughout the year but we were discussing Christmas at the time). He told me to scale back. My DGS's birthday is the beginning of January and we frequently rewrap Christmas into Birthday gifts. It takes him SEVERAL HOURS to open everything on Christmas. So, I am going to give him an annual pass for Disney World and a few small gifts. Ok--just a few other gifts--can't promise they'll be 'small". But I am trying to honor his wishes.

I had to explain to my DH not to "overdo" gifts to his DD's half-brother. I told him that this little boy was not his son, and that this little boy had two parents of his own, who maybe wanted their gifts and gifts from Santa to be the focus. I also explained that this little boy gets lots of gifts from grandma, too, and that we did NOT need to get him a ton of things. Until I said that he might be offending the boy's father, he fought me. My DH is a nice guy, but like many adults, does train kids to think that Christmas is only about opening presents. Maybe he needs to watch that Charlie Brown Christmas special .

Don't misunderstand me, I do think that by and large Christmas is for the kids, but anymore, I don't even hear anyone bothering to tell kids that this is the celebration Jesus' birth, and that we give gifts in celebration of that, and in acknowledgment of the gifts that Jesus received at his birth.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I am starting to think that everyone is overthinking this. Sounds like poor grandma and grandpa...lose if they buy too many toys and lose if they invest the money * since a few posters said that even that would cut these "poor" children short of financial aid in the future* Lets just be happy that we still have our parents around to have these problems with and remember that in 20 years or so we will be wanting to spoil our grandchildren. I say recieve and be gracious. If its that big of a deal, donate the toys at a later time to a program for children who don't have these "terriable" problems in life.

 

[lillygator]

I say recieve and be gracious. If its that big of a deal, donate the toys at a later time to a program for children who don't have these "terriable" problems in life.

Well it is a terrible problem for me, OP. It creates a strain on the relationship with my mother when she goes against everything I ask and she is also teaching my children to expect gift after gift. Which is something I do not want. Just because she feels that it is necessary to open gift after gift does not mean I want that passed on to my girls. My sister is 10 years younger than I and how she is on xmas morning is appalling....which is not something I want for my girls....

My mom would go out and buy a pony if DD asked for one. That is just how she is. I am really hoping no gifts come to the party. As it stands now the outlawz aren't coming so it would just be the 4 of us and 9 from "my" side of the family. I do not plan on opening any gifts at the dinner...we will be in a restaurant for goodness sake. I will just have to order that bottle of wine early!

 

[lillygator]

oh and a couple people have made snide remarks such as how "terrible" this is etc....


no one really understands the magnitude to which I am talking....LOADS of gifts....the opening of gifts at her parties is an embarassment.....

 

[BuzzAndWoodyBoy]

oh and a couple people have made snide remarks such as how "terrible" this is etc....


no one really understands the magnitude to which I am talking....LOADS of gifts....the opening of gifts at her parties is an embarassment.....

I completely understand. I don't know if you read my post but you are so right when you say it's about the grandma and not the kids. My MIL threw a fit because after 2 hours of gift opening my kids needed to stop for a nap (they were 1 and 2). After 2 hours how do you even know what you got? It is a power struggle.

The worst part about it is she doesn't even remember what she gets them because she buys so much. I make an effort to have my kids wear the clothes that people buy them when they see that person. On more than one occasion my MIL has said "that's a cute outfit, where did you get it?" to an outfit she has bought and given to them (usually less than 6 months ago)!

I have told her on many occasions how great it would be for her to come and see the boys. Just visit, maybe take them somewhere fun. They love to spend time with her and I try to emphasize this.

I too believe that a little spoiling by grandparents is a good thing. If she wants to do something special or buy them a toy once in a while -great! But she is creating a situation where she has to do these things because she always does. It's sort of sad. When the boys talk about her visit they talk about what she brings them. When they talk about visits with my parents they talk about what they do together. Who is making the better memories?

So OP I completely understand and I'll tell you if my plan works. If it doesn't I just don't know what to do

 

[lillygator]

I really don't know what to do either. I can understand my mom may be a little miffed at me asking to limit the gifts....but her reaction usually goes from mad, to not speaking to me for a few days and then back to normal. I mean I hate feeling like I am walking on eggshells here. I am already nervous about the holidays and what they bring when I should be worried about spending time with my family. For her it isn't really a question of outdoing the other gma....she's got the world beat already.

I know it may sound petty or silly to some but for me, it's a real issue. I just wish she would get it without me having to spell it out for her.

 

[lillygator]

Oh - and I tried to suggest earlier in the summer that we all do something together for xmas as a family instead of buying gifts....


my suggestions were:
cruise
weekend trip to the mountains
WDW (of course)
even a big family dinner out


none were rec'd too well.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that it is so sad. It sounds to me that the problems with the over gifting Moms and MIL's have a lot to do with trying to buy the child...you know, be the GOOD Grandparent. Kinda need to one-up everybody. Sad that they do not know that it is not possible to buy a child.

We are so fortunate that my DD doesn't care what we do, but DH and I never step on her or her DH, so we can do whatever we want to do. They know we will never overstep. My DGD knows who gave her every present that she receives, and this is down to some socks that her great Meme gave her one month ago. We sometimes do not make a purchase for her birthday, and take her shopping for her shoes and workboots (needs pink ones to help her Pa on the farm) or we pay for her lessons. This is a bonus, because we take her to them.

Maybe if your Mom could enroll the childrenin a special class, and be the one who gets to take them. Special one-on-one time. This time could be a present for the giver as well.

Anyway, just a thought...I feel so bad that something so special is so upsetting you.

 

[PaulaSue]

Hey, Sis...you mean we're NOT related???

My mother does the very same thing, but with American Girl stuff. We have som much AG it's not even funny. I also struggle with it. DD just had a birthday and, of course, my mom got her AG stuff which she really didn't want, but didn't want to be rude. To keep us from being able to return anything, my mom immediately took it all out and crushed the boxes. At Christmas, I have "filtered" gifts before (unwrap and return), but it's getting harder. My mother buys what SHE wants with no regard to what we may need or want. It's very frustrating b/c she will not listen and I wind up listing a bunch of crap on eBay.

I am getting to the point where I'm going to give her a list and tell her that if she buys anything not on the list that it will be returned, given to Goodwill or sold on eBay (she always removes tags and NEVER gives gift receipts) b/c we just can't take anymore clutter. I just have to acknowledge that we are fundamentally different when it comes to our viewpoints on, well, on EVERYTHING and she is going to have to start respecting my decisions about my own children.

This could have been my post about my MIL. We actually had a HUGE fight about it when my oldest was a little over 1 yr old, now almost 7. Things have very slowly gotten better over the years. (Last year she paid for our season tickets to Hersheypark, my parents did the year before. We love it and NO Clutter!!!! I think she was guilted into it by my parents doing it but I don't care, the kids love it and we get a great summer.)

The other day she said she wants to get us something we can use for our trip that we want instead of something to clutter the house. (I hint all the time I hate clutter and don't have room for much, we live in a 2 bedroom home.) I mentioned before I was shopping around for a DVD player for our trip and found a small 3.5" clearenced for $50 but would love to get the bigger screen size on sale. She said she would pay for it when found. Too bad I can't think of anything else we need. I have been planning for our trip for over a year and have about everything I can buy ahead taken care of.

So Long story short you should speak up and it will take time but it can get better.

 

[Brygida]

With all due respect, gift giving is not supposed to be about the giver, or whether you are "hurt" because you don't get to give anything and everything you want. It's supposed to be something you do for the recipient. In your case, you're talking about the simple indulgence of a loving aunt, and that's not going to hurt anybody. And I'm sure that if your sister gently pointed out that the baby was getting overwhelmed with gifts, you would draw back. And if your sister said that what your nephew/niece really wanted was swimming lessons, I'm sure you would be thrilled to fulfill that dream, even if it meant there wasn't a box to open. Because that's what loving family members do. But that is completely different from someone who (a) isn't particularly interested in what the child wants, as long as she can make a big show of gift-giving and (b) doesn't care (or believe) that the gift-giving is actually hurting the relationship. People, this goes way beyond "spoiling." Forget about your own grandparents or others who love you, those who shower you or your children with gifts and affection. This is not like that. I don't have an MIL who does this, but I know someone who does, and it is not about the grandkids. It's about the power, the control, and the attention.

If this grandma really cared about making those grandkids happy, she'd give them what they want. But she's been told what they want, and she refuses to give it to them, because it means they don't get to open a box and say "Thank you, Grandma!" If she really cared about what was best for the kids, she'd listen to their parents when they say "They are overwhelmed with gifts, so they're getting an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of what Christmas is really supposed to be." But she ignores them and keeps buying. And pouts when she doesn't get her way about it. Does that sound like the wonderful grandparents you're reminiscing about? I doubt it.

Perfectly put. I think the majority of the posters on this thread don't know a true narcissistic grandparent/relative. It's all about them, not the children.
My friend calls these kind of people 'spriritual vampires'... because they are only their to suck the life out of you.

For the majority of the people on this thread, thank your lucky stars that you don't know what the rest of us are talking about.