Any advice for too many gifts?

[lillygator]

Here's something to think about... why do you assume she means well? From what you've said, (a) she doesn't care that it makes you, DH, and the in-laws uncomfortable, (b) it's not done for the pure joy of giving, because she goes to great lengths to make sure they know it was from grandma, (c) she pouts when she doesn't get her way, and (d) she knows you don't want her to do it and she chooses to ignore your parenting decision - and in fact, to practically rub it in your face. I think it's a power struggle.

you pretty much hit the nail on the head...I guess I go through feeling mad then guilty because she is my mother. I don't want to upset her and I don't mind her buying something small here and there but all this constant stuff is so wasteful. I spoke with my sister last night (she is 20 and still lives at home) and I asked if she could suggest to mom to get her Disney Dollars or gift certificates to bookstores or tickets to see Disney on Ice or something....she said the problem mom has with that is that DD won't be opeing something from Gma that she remembers....UGH I wanted to scream...to me birthdays are not about who got you what, but celebrating another year - it's about memories of fun times and being with the ones you love. That is one main reason we are taking our family over to WDW for her birthday. I would rather spend the money for us all to be together than bunches of little toys that we don't need anyway!

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

I agree with Tracy - my MIL is known for buying a bunch of little things as well rather than saving the money and buying one nice thing or getting a savings bond. We just had our baby shower and were not expecting any gifts from her b/c she bought our crib and paid for the shower at a hotel. She gave us a gift bag of things before the shower, during the shower, and after the shower!!! After the shower we went to Applebees, just the 3 of us, and told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to buy us anything else before the baby was born. She pouted but we've done this with her before so she knows we're serious - sometimes she just needs a little reminding! We know after the baby is born we'll have to have another conversation but I'm afraid if we don't set boundaries from the beginning we'll be in more trouble later on.

DH & I are talking about adopting an idea we heard here on the boards - 3 gifts from us to represent the 3 wise men, 1 santa gift, and a stocking. I have no interest in opening a toy store in our home so I'm hoping this and more stern conversations with my MIL will keep things in check. Also keep a large tub handy for yard sale or goodwill items. It makes it easy to put things in there and if you don't end up reaching for it after a while - you'll know you made a right decision to get rid of them!

Best of luck - I hope you find a solution!

Laurie

 

[rt2dz]

Unfortunately, that is part of a gift. You don't need someone's permission to give it. And it is exteremly rude to be unappreciative of it (not to mention teaching ungratefullness to your child)--by refusing them or giving them away when new. I, personally, just don't like the president (sp?) this sets.

It is better to set some guidelines, if the giver would follow them. Try writing them down. This is what I had to do. Our guidelines were to ask first on any big items, close to Christmas (with 4 months) or birthdays. At Christmas and birthdays we would like to present a list with ranges of things that we feel would be OK; example, Playmobile toys, outside items or certain Thomas items. Then they could spend as much or as little as they liked, and we would make sure it is something that would be used and that we have room for. We've also let grandparents do things like shopping sprees for clothes. My mother really enjoyed decorating my sons first big-boy room with my pre-approved theme and colors. Other good gifts that we have suggested are classes (Karate, kindermusic, gymnastics, spanish) and memberships (museum, zoo) or season tickets (Sea World). We remind our kids everytime they use it who we need to remember, it is something that can be used over and over, is educational, takes some burden off of us, and brings our parents joy to hear about and get pictures from.

The other thing you can do when the house is loaded, is to give to charity after at minimum a year AND totally forgotten about. That way they have had it a while, appreciated it, not something well loved, and teaches about giving to others while they have also learned how to receive.

 

[tlbwriter]

Unfortunately, that is part of a gift. You don't need someone's permission to give it. And it is exteremly rude to be unappreciative of it (not to mention teaching ungratefullness to your child)--by refusing them or giving them away when new. I, personally, just don't like the president (sp?) this sets.

It is better to set some guidelines, if the giver would follow them.

I agree with you in principle (although I completely disagree that you don't need someone's permission to give a gift - anyone who wants to give my child a gift had better d@mn well have my approval first... am I supposed to let her have dangerous toys or "kindergarten slut" clothes or tons of candy just because someone else thought it was a good idea?). But in this case, the parent has already set guidelines, and her mother has ignored them. In that case, I think being rude (by refusing the gifts) is better than being a doormat when it comes to parenting decisions.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Honestly, IMO..if grandma wants to keep buying gifts, and you have told her many times what you want and how you want to have things in your household and your life..than I would stop asking and just let her give the gifts..and then sell them on Ebay...and put the money in an account for your daughter. Maybe then when your mom notices that the toys SHE has given her aren't around..you can tell her what you did with them..and she will next time..just save you the trouble and put some moola in the education account. ??
We too have had to face this issue. I actually told my parents just this am at breakfast that we needed christmas to be smaller and we don't want to be swimming in toys. So, they agreed and we will now have like a 5 gift limit for dd from them. Which for them..is VERY reasonable! LOL

Good Luck.

 

[PatricenPete]

I had the same problem with my mother and my MIL. At Christmas last year, I actually had to go out and buy a freaking toy box for all the nonsense that people had bought a TWO MONTH OLD.

Now, I just continually insist that they not go "overboard" and eventually I said that if the gifts continued, I would have no choice but to no longer accept gifts. Something clicked because my son's 1st birthday party was yesterday and neither of them went overboard. I think that they were nervous that I would actually follow through on my threat to no longer accept gifts AT ALL, that they both toned it down.

Also, for his birthday, I gave them a list of a few things to get that I knew that PJ wanted/needed and they pretty much stuck to that list, so that was nice.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would suggest a tough love approach. Any gifts received will be donated to the less fortunate. And you will put the equivilant dollar amount into a college fund or something. Then maybe next time--any gift will come in the format you want...not at all..or practical.

Obviously your daughter has been really blessed...and it isn't as if you are depriving her of anything.

 

[Stephres]

Count me as a sister too!

My mother used to really go overboard with presents, totally overshadowing Santa and me and MIL. I sat her down and talked with her at length about how 1) MIL might feel bad because she doesn't have the disposable income to spend wads on the kids, 2) the kids don't need that much stuff, and 3) we don't have room for all that stuff and she cooled it a bit.

I still box up about half of it after they leave and rotate it out periodically. I also leave some of the stuff at their house. But I really like the suggestion of zoo passes. I think I am going to suggest that for this Christmas and we'll see if that doesn't help!

 

[Dani&Pao'sMom]

Just wanted to share the story about the Polly Pockets. on my previous post I mentioned I had sent my mom a wish list for DD birthday (on the 13th). She chose 3 Polly Pocket sets (OT, have you seen them???? they are lovely! I wish I had had those when I was a kid!).
Well, on her actual birthday we gave her a polly pocket style Cinderella set with the little doll and several party gowns, crowns, shoes, and a little scarf. She was delighted, took a bath with them, took them to school and told me "Mommy, I wish I had more Polly Pockets!". Well, later she received the gifts from grandma and was out of her mind! she was so happy and is enjoying so much with them. she called grandma and thanked her for her Pollys. Later I told my mom all about the opening of the gifts, how excited she was etc. I've been trying to get my mom to stick with a wish list ever since DD was born (4 years ago) and this was the first. Well, it was a huge success and she ended the conversation with "wow! now you have to let me know what to get for Christmas!!!!" wow!!!! huge success in every sense of the word!

To the OP, keep trying with your mom, you know her best and know what the best approach would be.... Show her my post!

Good luck,

Karla

 

[Nancyg56]

Tough problem! Say something you are in the doghouse. Don't say anything, your values are tossed out the window! My DD had this problem with her aunt regarding clothes for her DD. More clothes than any baby could possible wear, outfit after outfit. Nothing anyone said mattered to her...she just kept buying. One day she asked where all of the clothes were, and why didn't the little one wear them as she didn't see the baby in them, and DD explained that there were so many, she could not keep them all straight, and sadly, by the time the little one could wear them, the season was not right. Sorry. Let me tell you, the excessive buying stopped!

She just needed to be the one to buy the "important" outfits, and it was an expensive lesson. She was upset, and wanted sympathy from me. I told her that I was the Nana, and I would not spend that kind of money for a child that could not possibly wear all those clothes. Nor would I take the pleasure of purchasing special things from my DD. Better to buy what was needed when it was needed. Now it is better.


OP stick to your guns, and let your DM know that you can't stop the gifts, but you do have control over what happens to them once they are in your home. Maybe she could give a certificate for lessons that the children will enjoy. We pay for our DGD gymnastic lessons and riding lessons.

 

[lillygator]

I would love her to choose to pay for dance lessons, swim lessons, a zoo membership something along those lines but unfortunately she is adamnet that it is not a gift to open that dd can see and relate to grandma....very silly if you ask me.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would love her to choose to pay for dance lessons, swim lessons, a zoo membership something along those lines but unfortunately she is adamnet that it is not a gift to open that dd can see and relate to grandma....very silly if you ask me.

Then I would just tell her that I appreciate that she wants DD to open gifts, and will support that. However, because you want your DD to grow up with compassion toward others who have less, she will then donate the excess to Toys for Tots or to the local hospital. DGm will have the joy of watching the opening, and DD will have the joy of sharing with others less fortunate.

We never had this with my children, as both sets of grandparents were on fixed incomes. My children, who are now adults, would do anything for their Meme and Memere. Love has nothing to do with presents!

Good Luck!

 

[we3disneygo]

Im kinda in the same boat as momxxx5 , my in laws never get my dd anything for birthday or christmas, not even a card........... that last gift they gave her was when she was in kindergarten and they gave her a huge coffee mug and date planner from the hallmark store wow what every 5 yr. old wants, they know how to buy toys , because they get every thing for sis in law kids. we just kinda say we don't know why they do this and arent' you lucky you have grandma j. also my step mom and dad are not with it at all ...........one year they sent a bunch of disney stuff they got for 75%off and all of it was broken except the antenna you could wear for 4th of July! .........they don't do this to her kids or grandkids?????

 

[JoBird]

I was in a similar situation, but not as bad as yours, a couple of years ago. We live 1,200 miles from "home", where my parents, DH's parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great-g'ma's and G'pa's, extended family and just plain crazy people all go INSANE at Christmas with the gift giving thing for our 3 kids.(ages 10, 6, and 3) We are never in our home for Christmas morning, always flying "home" to be amongst the crazy ones, and so Santa has his share of the insanity added in as well. One year, there were so many toys I shipped them all home and it ended up costing about $300 to do. I was shocked but okay until the next year when I said I wasn't going to do that and "borrowed" any and all HUGE duffel bags from the crazy ones in order to get it all home. When we got off the plane, I was at the baggage claim, pulling off bag, after bag, after bag, after bag, (you get the idea), when this girl came up to me and said "Did you have a GREAT Christmas???" and I looked around and counted TWELVE of the biggest, most obnoxious bags at my feet, and I looked past them and there were my precious, unknowing children there looking at me. It was then I said ENOUGH. I came home immediately and called every one of those crazy people and told them the deal...Christmas had become TOO big and I had lost all joy because all my kids wanted to do is open a present, push it aside and ask for another one to open. Now, instead of gift upon gift, each person is ALLOWED (I say that because these are MY children...I monitor what they eat, wear, watch,etc...why not what someone gives them?) to give them a gift card to any shop of their own choosing for no more than $25. Then, that person is allowed to take my child with them shopping with the rule that once the $ on the card is used, that's it. This is always done after Christmas, when the gift giver can no longer give the same present as Santa. Their gift is two-fold: the child gets a wonderful present of his own choosing, and the giver has the one-on-one opportunity of helping that child decide the best way to spend their "money". The kids look forward to picking their own toys and there is no longer any frustration of how much crap is brought home.
By the way, we do the three gifts from Santa as well, and no, my children are not lacking for ANYTHING>
This is also done for Birthday's and the kids think it's great...no more bad gifts from anyone!!!!

 

[Earstou]

My MIL was the same way until she got more grandkids (so the solution is hurry up and have more kids ). My SIL married a man with two kids, then she promptly had two more. The excessive gifting came to a screeching halt!!!
My MIL would buy everything on the list sometimes, other times she would buy one thing, and lots of junk. The times I really hated were when she would go to garage sales and buy junky stuff and mail it to my DD. She once sent her a Mickey rain poncho. Except it had rips going from the neck down (someone too big tried to put it on). My DD insisted on wearing it "because grandma gave it to me". So I learned to open the boxes myself and hide the junk!!
Another time when DD stayed with her for a week, she took DD shopping at a secondhand store. My DM used to manage a Goodwill, so I have no problems with GOOD second hand stuff, but... There was a program at church when we arrived to pick her up, so I didn't see her until she was up front singing. She was wearing this old worn-out shirt with buttons that wouldn't stay buttoned. The shirt was hanging way open, showing lots of skin, and I was SO embarrassed (I had packed a nice outfit for the program but it was ignored )
It seemed that nothing we ever said helped, so I understand how you feel.
One thought that came to me was would your DM be willing to "adopt" a family or child for Christmas, then have your DD help her pick out the presents for them? She would still have the thrill of buying the presents, plus she would be showing your DD a wonderful example. You could talk it up as how wonderful for your DM to do this with DD, how that lesson would be a wonderful present for DD, on and on to convince her. Don't know if it will work, but I know my DD loved picking out presents when we did this one year.
Good luck to you!

 

[gabbysmom04]

I wish I had this problem. My DD grandparents don't ever buy her anything short of birthdays and christmas. It makes me sad that they don't bother. I guess you can't win either way. I think that some people are just trying to show their love. I rather have that then grandparents who don't really care.

 

[Brina]

tell your dd she can keep some specific number of presents - say 4 and the rest you are going to give to children whose families cannot afford to buy so many toys. Tell her she can pick which 4 to keep. Then take her along with you when you deliver the gifts to the salvation army or toys for tots or whereever you choose. Let the lavish praise on her for being such a generous little girl.

This will teach you dd a good lesson, and hopefully your mother as well. One family I know did this and the grandmother stopped buying so much becasue she didn't want things she spent money on going to another child. That grandmother now contributes to the education fund.

 

[BuzzAndWoodyBoy]

I have the same problem but it is my MIL. The poster who said it was disrespectful not to accept the gifts has obviously never had anyone be completely insensitive to their wishes. By the way these are only examples, there was way more under the tree then what I am specifically mentioning. I actually think my MIL may have some sort of sickness with how much she buys.

My son's first Christmas I asked her to purchase some of the Dr Suess classics we received 104 different books! He was 3 months old.

The next year I honestly don't know what was opened because I had just given birth and had gotten mastitis along with a stomach flu so Christmas is pretty much a bad dream.

The next year my sons (1 and 2) got so tired opening the presents from just Grandma that they had to take a nap. She was very angry when we told her he would have to continue opening the presents later.

The next year we gave a very specific list (she does ask for the list). On the list was a pair of nice dress pants - the boys were living in sweats and jeans- and a SpiderMan shirt. We got 16 pairs of pants for each child and 65 shirts total. We kept 3 pairs of pants for each child and 15 shirts total.

Last year she was told in no uncertain terms to purchase only 8 presents per child. She arrived with 16 huge gift bags. One bag contained 20ish colorng books, several sticker books, crayons, markers, paint, sidewalk chalk and various other art supplies. After Christmas we gave her back probably about a third of the presents and told her to return them or donate them but we weren't keeping them.

This year we have told her that there will only be 8 individual presents per child. The boys are now 4 and 5 so it will be more difficult to get rid of things without them knowing. If she brings more we are going to have the boys pick their 8 favorite things and send the rest back home with Grandma. We'll see how this goes.

It's funny because Grandma always comments on how they have so much stuff. She hates that the boys ask her "what did you bring me?" but she has done it to herself. The boys never ask my parents what they brought. They remember every gift my parents have brought and ask my Dad to read "that special book you gave us" everytime they come.

We have suggested college fund and memberships but "you can't open them" "I can't see their face". We have also suggested that she adopt a needy family or two for the holidays but "it just isn't the same". We'll see how our new plan works.

We have also started getting the boys to understand that for every new toy they get one has to go. We used the Hurricane Katrina victims as examples of needy little boys who really need toys. The older one understands a litlle the younger one not so much.

 

[Rex Rules]

Dh's parents are the same - WAY overboard at every holiday, birthday, etc. We asked and asked many times that they not go so overboard - they have put Santa to shame many years. DBiL and his wife stated that they could only get X number of gifts - they weaseled around that by putting many things in one big box.
In my family there are 6 grandchildren - and my family is not that well off, so the gifts are not nearly what our DD gets from DH's family. Also, it downright embarrasses us for her to have so much when her very cousins (who don't have another set of grandparents) don't get very much. We have said to our DD that her cousins don't have other grandparents and their parents aren't as well off financially as we are, that she should be sensitive to that. Several times a year we have DD go through her things and stuff that is in the way, not getting played with, unwanted goes to her cousins. We have also sent alot of stuff to her preschool, to her church, to other places we know would enjoy having the things. Besides, if we kept all the stuff DD got, there wouldn't be any room in her room for HER.
We figured out it was doing no good to say anything to his parents, so we just find other ways for someone else to benefit from it.
Incidentally, DD loves to go to my Mom's for dinners as much as getting a pile of stuff from the other grandparents. She raves all the time about what a great cook my mother is. Which is even worse because DH's mother couldn't cook her way out of a paper bag.

 

[EthansMom]

We must all be members of the same family! My MIL is the one who buys all kinds of junk gifts and gives them to the kids. My FIL and StepMIL buy lots of toys that aren't age appropriate.

I tried instituting a "One Toy" Rule for gifts. Grandparents could buy my children books, clothes, and videos as they wanted, but could only buy one toy. There was some grumbling, but that worked fairly well for a while and has been carried on for Birthdays really well.

Christmas still gets overboard. But, I have told MIL that the kids would prefer one nice toy instead of a million cheap toys. And StepMIL asked for a list, so I sent her a list with links to http://www.toysrus.com so she had pictures and prices and all.

Regarding toys coming home from MIL's: That had been a big problem in the past. One day, I got fed up and took them all back to MIL's with the excuse, "The kids have too much stuff. So these toys need to stay at your house for them to play with." Now, when something migrates here, I just send it back to MIL's house on our next visit. It's been much more manageable since I started doing that -- and DS loves to "borrow" toys from Grandma.

My parents are on the other side of the U.S. My mom asks for recommendations and then either sends money for me to purchase the gifts or has them sent directly. My dad and his wife just send the kids $25 each, which usually goes in their piggybanks.