Another Thanksgiving bites the dust: UPDATE post 65

[chyam]

In all honestly, why don't you just break with the tradition, go to work then go to Cracker Barrel...enjoy the holiday with your husband, no mess, no boring unconversation. You can't continue to let other people drag you down, it sounds like you have been there for MIL but after awhile it gets old. Enjoy yourself, and have a GOOD meal.
So many people complain about all the family stuff that goes with the holidays, how they don't want to do this and they don't want to do that. I would simply put it out there that you are going to continue your tradtion of going to Cracker Barrel!
We go out every year for Thanksgiving, but have had many invitations to join other families, but no thanks.
Perhaps you could offer to bring your MIL 2 dinners from Cracker Barrel so she does not have to cook, I can understand how much work it takes to get somebody that is not very mobile out and about for a meal, but perhaps she would enjoy having something brought to her. Or if you are feeling really charitable offer to bring the dinners from Cracker Barrel to her house and eat together!

 

[KAMLEM]

When DH comes home, I am going to sit with him and try to find a happy solution, be it ordering food, or dragging his mom out of the house to dinner with us anyway (she does this every Sunday, so GFIL can be left alone for an hour or two). Abandoning MIL for dinner isn't an option, but I will not rest until I find one that makes everyone not miserable.

MY MIL is depressed and needs DH and I more than ever now. Going out without her is a million shades of wrong. I will do what I can to make sure she can't let the depression ruin for the holiday for her or anyone.

Keep the suggestions coming though...they give me hope!

I think it's great that you care so much about your MIL, you sound like a great daughter-in-law. Just ignore the ugly posts here and move on. Hopefully you'll come up with a good solution for everyone when you talk on Saturday.

My MIL is in the same situation only she is caring for her husband who is 11 years older than her. The only thing that makes a difference for her is that my SIL and BIL (her daughter and son-in-law) live a few houses away. It's still difficult, though. My MIL is the MIL everyone wants, she is one of the sweetest, most caring women you'll ever meet and my heart breaks for her. The last time we talked she said she's just so discouraged because the only end in sight is an end that she doesn't want, which is FIL's death. It's very sad.

 

[Jennasis]

I know the bigger issue is her caregiver role 24/7/365...yep, 365 days a year. It's too much, even for Superman! We have offered to pay for respite, get him into adult-daycare, hospice, a nursing home. Everything that can possibly be offered to mitigate her stress. She doesn't want help. Any advice or suggestions are taken as an indictment on her ability to be a caregiver. She gets very angry and defensive when any help is offered. Of course she is also angry that she has no help. Vicious cycle eh?

We do take her out to dinner every Sunday, and I personally take her out to lunch during the week at least once a week. Sometimes DH will invite her to meet up with him for his lunch hour at work.

 

[golfgal]

I know the bigger issue is her caregiver role 24/7/365...yep, 365 days a year. It's too much, even for Superman! We have offered to pay for respite, get him into adult-daycare, hospice, a nursing home. Everything that can possibly be offered to mitigate her stress. She doesn't want help. Any advice or suggestions are taken as an indictment on her ability to be a caregiver. She gets very angry and defensive when any help is offered. Of course she is also angry that she has no help. Vicious cycle eh?

We do take her out to dinner every Sunday, and I personally take her out to lunch during the week at least once a week. Sometimes DH will invite her to meet up with him for his lunch hour at work.

Ahh, the martyr syndrome. Maybe approach her more on "it will be good for Grandpa" vs "you need help". You could start with adult day care, "mom, I think Grandpa would enjoy getting out and being around other men for an hour or two a week. Why don't we try it once or twice and see how it goes. How about if I call the place and see what the deal is and let you know". See, then it becomes about Grandpa and not her and she really wants was is best for her Dad, right???

 

[puffkin]

I agree with others, the pre-packaged dinner sounds like the way to go!

Would it be possible to start some other traditions as well, rather than just sitting around watching Discovery channel How about getting a fun, easy game to play....especially now that BIL and GF are coming. Something like Apples to Apples would be fun and engaging for everyone. Maybe rent a good comedy or two as well. Christmas Vacation is a great one we watch every Thanksgiving to kick off the holiday season. It sounds like your family needs a good dose of laughter this Thanksgiving

 

[Jennasis]

Ahh, the martyr syndrome. Maybe approach her more on "it will be good for Grandpa" vs "you need help". You could start with adult day care, "mom, I think Grandpa would enjoy getting out and being around other men for an hour or two a week. Why don't we try it once or twice and see how it goes. How about if I call the place and see what the deal is and let you know". See, then it becomes about Grandpa and not her and she really wants was is best for her Dad, right???

Oooh, the reverse psychology approach? I like!

I agree with others, the pre-packaged dinner sounds like the way to go!

Would it be possible to start some other traditions as well, rather than just sitting around watching Discovery channel How about getting a fun, easy game to play....especially now that BIL and GF are coming. Something like Apples to Apples would be fun and engaging for everyone. Maybe rent a good comedy or two as well. Christmas Vacation is a great one we watch every Thanksgiving to kick off the holiday season. It sounds like your family needs a good dose of laughter this Thanksgiving

My sister mentioned this to me last night. I may have to raid DH's extensive collection of DVD's. Growing up, for some reason, every Thanksgiving day, the original black and white version of King Kong was always on tv. I LOVED that movie. It was never Thanksgiving until that movie came on. Maybe I can turn them on to my old holiday childhood tradition?

 

[golfgal]

Oooh, the reverse psychology approach? I like!




My sister mentioned this to me last night. I may have to raid DH's extensive collection of DVD's. Growing up, for some reason, every Thanksgiving day, the original black and white version of King Kong was always on tv. I LOVED that movie. It was never Thanksgiving until that movie came on. Maybe I can turn them on to my old holiday childhood tradition?

For us we watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and the Wizard of Oz every Thanksgiving. Mom would put the good old 19" black and white tv in one of our bedrooms and all the kids would lay around and watch the movies after we ate while the adults would sit downstairs and talk. We would argue over who had to get up and change the channel though.

 

[minkydog]

I know the bigger issue is her caregiver role 24/7/365...yep, 365 days a year. It's too much, even for Superman! We have offered to pay for respite, get him into adult-daycare, hospice, a nursing home. Everything that can possibly be offered to mitigate her stress. She doesn't want help. Any advice or suggestions are taken as an indictment on her ability to be a caregiver. She gets very angry and defensive when any help is offered. Of course she is also angry that she has no help. Vicious cycle eh?

Yes, vicious AND co-dependant. It is not unusual for women to take on the responsibility of caring for someone in the family and become so inter-twined with them that they lose themselves entirely. Their whole existence hinges on how the person they care for is doing. They begin to isolate themselves with their "Nobody can do this but me!" ideation and their world become smaller and smaller.. It's like a watch that gets wound tighter and tighter, until it can't be wound anymore and then--SPROING! the watch is broken.

You can't fix her. Nobody can. She has to come to the place where she MUST reach out. And she's not there yet. It's too bad, because she is probably headed for a nervous breakdown. BTDT. When we become "terminally unique"--the "nobody in the world could ever understand because my situation is just so special nobody ever went through this before" syndrome--we close off all the people and agencies that would offer their hand to help. Eventually someone with this attitude of terminal uniqueness will crash and burn because the codependence just consumes them. They no longer have identity as a whole human being, only as Grandpa's Caregiver(or in my case, DH & Christian's Caregiver.) I spent 7 weeks in the hospital learning how to care for MYSELF and allowing others to do for me what I thought no one BUT me could do. Not the most pleasant way to spend a season, let me tell you.

I'm glad you're taking her out during the week. She obviously trusts you or she wouldn't go. I know in my case, it has be very hard for me to trust others to do the job I do. Baby steps, you know? Perhaps you could find a local support group for caregivers, maybe invite her to go with you. my best to you. It won't be easy.

 

[agnes!]

Yes, vicious AND co-dependant. It is not unusual for women to take on the responsibility of caring for someone in the family and become so inter-twined with them that they lose themselves entirely. Their whole existence hinges on how the person they care for is doing. They begin to isolate themselves with their "Nobody can do this but me!" ideation and their world become smaller and smaller.. It's like a watch that gets wound tighter and tighter, until it can't be wound anymore and then--SPROING! the watch is broken.

You can't fix her. Nobody can. She has to come to the place where she MUST reach out. And she's not there yet. It's too bad, because she is probably headed for a nervous breakdown. BTDT. When we become "terminally unique"--the "nobody in the world could ever understand because my situation is just so special nobody ever went through this before" syndrome--we close off all the people and agencies that would offer their hand to help. Eventually someone with this attitude of terminal uniqueness will crash and burn because the codependence just consumes them. They no longer have identity as a whole human being, only as Grandpa's Caregiver(or in my case, DH & Christian's Caregiver.) I spent 7 weeks in the hospital learning how to care for MYSELF and allowing others to do for me what I thought no one BUT me could do. Not the most pleasant way to spend a season, let me tell you. ...

I think that this 'terminally unique' concept is one of the most brilliant things I have ever seen on these boards.

agnes!

 

[Jennasis]

You guys are awesome. Just got back from lunch and shopping with her. She seemed upbeat today. Hopefully we can continue to stear her in that direction.

 

[3jsmommy]

Just wanted to add that most hospitals and many churches offer caregiver support groups. They have regular meetings, I think as often as once a week at most places.
PS- I would just bring the catered dinner w/ me as a "suprise", who doesn't love leftovers if ther's too much food?..

 

[Nancyg56]

I know I know..I'm just whining. She has it so bad, she really does. Being a 24/7 caretaker like she is is literally destroying her.

When DH comes home, I am going to sit with him and try to find a happy solution, be it ordering food, or dragging his mom out of the house to dinner with us anyway (she does this every Sunday, so GFIL can be left alone for an hour or two). Abandoning MIL for dinner isn't an option, but I will not rest until I find one that makes everyone not miserable.

MY MIL is depressed and needs DH and I more than ever now. Going out without her is a million shades of wrong. I will do what I can to make sure she can't let the depression ruin for the holiday for her or anyone.

Keep the suggestions coming though...they give me hope!

I saw your thread the other day and felt so bad for your MIL. My Mom took care of my Dad and under much better circumstances than your MIL and that aged her more than I could ever describe.

Sometimes you need to just step in and don't ask. WHen you take her out tell her that you appreciate that she is opening her home for Thanksgiving and want to bring the meal. Make sure that she knows that you need to do this for yourselves because you are not able to help with the cooking. My Mom would never accept help for herself but she would let us do things that made us happy. If it was for us she agreed, for her....not a chance.

I love my MIL (though I do hate her cooking) and I love spending time with her. I'm not going to sit idly by and watch her slip away emotionally (and physically). I don't agree with or enjoy their particular holiday style and I DO miss my family like crazy. I'm dealing with our reality and trying to manage it as best we can.

That is all that you can do.

I would suggest looking into what social services are offered in your town. I know that there are circumstances where an aide can come to help with bathing and there is assistance with shopping or light housework. I bet your MIL is one proud woman but she may agree to some help if it is presented in a manner that makes it seem as though she has "paid into" the services. When my Mom was ill we cared for her and she was okay with that. She was not okay with a CNA helping her at least not at first. The VNA helped us to convince her that the help was something that she was entitled to, and once she got used to the CNA helping her she enjoyed the company. We still took care of her shopping and cleaning and errands but that little respite meat a lot. Please try to convince your MIl that she has worked for this help..

Good luck

 

[moon]

I feel awful for you grandfather-in-law.....and your MIL. But I feel worse for him

 

[Jennasis]

I feel awful for you grandfather-in-law.....and your MIL. But I feel worse for him

I can hardly imagine how much worse all this is for him. His mind is COMPLETELY there, but he has no control over his body. He is trapped in his head and trapped in his body. He tries to speak and all that comes out is gibberish. I am positive he is depressed as well. 85 years old. Man was strong as an ox until the stroke 2 years ago.

When we got back from shopping I was talking to him (while he nodded and smiled) and then he asked me for something. I had no idea what he wanted. The word was all gobbledy-gook. But somehow I pulled the word out of my butt..."Typewriter?"

His eyes got big and he nodded vigorously and made a typing motion with his hand.

"You want me to get you a typewriter?" I asked. He nodded again.

Then MIL comes in and gives him "the business" for wanting a typewriter...."you can't type with one hand...you won't even get out of your darn easy chair...I'm not sitting around putting paper in it for you.." and on and on.

My heart broke. I'm buying him a typewriter.

 

[manning]

My heart broke. I'm buying him a typewriter.

Good for you !!!!!!!

And start out by putting the paper in for him. MIL may get the idea.

Anyone know if there is a paperless word processor??

 

[laurie31]

oh wow...he very well COULD be able to type with one hand. He might even be able to communicate that way!

Would he be able to use a laptop computer? Then MIL wouldn't have to bother with paper...

If he just used it as a word processor, to type things, he wouldn't need the internet or anything with lots of bells and whistles. You could get something really cheap. Just a thought.

Good luck trying to help your MIL who doesn't want help.

 

[minkydog]

I can hardly imagine how much worse all this is for him. His mind is COMPLETELY there, but he has no control over his body. He is trapped in his head and trapped in his body. He tries to speak and all that comes out is gibberish. I am positive he is depressed as well. 85 years old. Man was strong as an ox until the stroke 2 years ago.

When we got back from shopping I was talking to him (while he nodded and smiled) and then he asked me for something. I had no idea what he wanted. The word was all gobbledy-gook. But somehow I pulled the word out of my butt..."Typewriter?"

His eyes got big and he nodded vigorously and made a typing motion with his hand.

"You want me to get you a typewriter?" I asked. He nodded again.

Then MIL comes in and gives him "the business" for wanting a typewriter...."you can't type with one hand...you won't even get out of your darn easy chair...I'm not sitting around putting paper in it for you.." and on and on.

My heart broke. I'm buying him a typewriter.

Of course he can type with one hand! One-handed people do it all the time. It could really turn his life around if he could effectively communicate by writing out his thoughts. Heck, he might even enjoy getting ont he internet and receiving email! The sky's the limit!

 

[golfgal]

I can hardly imagine how much worse all this is for him. His mind is COMPLETELY there, but he has no control over his body. He is trapped in his head and trapped in his body. He tries to speak and all that comes out is gibberish. I am positive he is depressed as well. 85 years old. Man was strong as an ox until the stroke 2 years ago.

When we got back from shopping I was talking to him (while he nodded and smiled) and then he asked me for something. I had no idea what he wanted. The word was all gobbledy-gook. But somehow I pulled the word out of my butt..."Typewriter?"

His eyes got big and he nodded vigorously and made a typing motion with his hand.

"You want me to get you a typewriter?" I asked. He nodded again.

Then MIL comes in and gives him "the business" for wanting a typewriter...."you can't type with one hand...you won't even get out of your darn easy chair...I'm not sitting around putting paper in it for you.." and on and on.

My heart broke. I'm buying him a typewriter.

GET HIM A LAPTOP!!!! Can you imagine not being able to express yourself for 2 years knowing you could TYPE out what you want and no one caught on. Think if the independence it would give him to be able to surf the net, catch up on scores for the ball games, go on Facebook with the grandkids....

 

[Disney Doll]

Truthfully, I read your post, and it didn't seem to me like your MIL was of any "paramount importance" in the least. It seemed like you wanted to throw yourself a "pity part" as you say, because you don't want to spend the holidays with her or the man she takes care of, who you said is just another body in the living room, not talking.

If thats you caring, what are you like if you don't care??

This is nasty and clearly you are not comprehending Jenassis' posts. I have comprehended loud and clear that she is very concerned about her mother-in-law, but she's right, in this situation she is allowed a few minutes of pity.

Perhaps you don't know the whole back story, but this same MIL is one who will not allow anyone to help her, will not consider an alternate arrangement for her father's care. So, the martyr role is suiting her quite nicely as it is draining the life out of her and Jenassis and her husband have to pay some of that price.

Jenassis, I understand what you are going through because we cared for my dying MIL for 3 months (I can't imagine doing it for 2 years!)...vacations were cancelled, social events were missed, life was very difficult. And yes it was our choice, and yes we did it because we wanted to care for her as lovingly as she had cared for people throughout her life, but that doesn't mean that every once in a while it didn't STINK to be in the situation and I will say that when I had to cancel a Disney trip, I felt very sorry for myself for a bit...I snapped out of it, life went on, I realized that Disney would be there after my DMIL was gone, but I still felt sorry for myself for a short period of time. And that was OK....

So, it's OK to feel sorry for yourself....

I like the suggestion of ordering dinner from somewhere and bringing it to her. Can DH say something like "Mom, you work so hard taking care of Grandpa, we want you to have a break. Let us bring dinner in". Maybe she'd appreciate it. I remember the T-giving my late DFIL was going to be in the hospital for prostate cancer surgery. DMIL had ALWAYS had holiday dinners at her house for her family, period, end of discussion. I discussed it with DH and suggested that he ask his mother if she would prefer if we did T-giving that year, since she was going to be busy running back and forth to the hospital seeing DFIL, and she wasn't the picture of health. We figured the hospital runs would exhaust her and then she'd be trying to cook T-giving dinner fo 20 people, worrying about DFIL...it would have been a mess. DH suggested it to her...she JUMPED at it, literally. You could SEE the relief on her face. And amazingly enough, after that, she never cooked another holiday meal...she was happy to go elsewhere or let someone else take over the cooking at her house. Maybe your DMIL would be the same. Maybe DH could "guilt" her into it...something like "You do so much for Jenassis and I....it would make us feel good to be able to do this for you".

I think you sound like a great, concerned daughter-in-law. I hope your MIL realizes how fortunate she is.

 

[Disney Doll]

This may be the problem. She cares for her father 24/7. the other number I didn't see was the number of days a year. If that number is 365 that is not good. She needs time off for herself. Can you come up with some money for a care giver at least once a week to give her a chance to get out of the house on her own.

How about your husband take her out for dinner every now and then, sometimes with you. Be insistant about it. Also go out with her and do some girl things. How about a makeover. Doesn't have to be expensive. Just something different.

We had to get a full time care giver for my MIL and they did not work a 7 day week. They were relieved at least once a week, sometimes twice a week. The reason we got a care giver is I saw what was happening to my wife and she was taking care of her 24/7 for 5 months. It was bringing her down. I finally put my foot down and had a talk with her two brothers on the line of "ok it's time for some help her. Your doing your thing and it is time for her to start doing her's." They agreed to the care giver.

365 days a year. That would drive anyone bonkers.

Again, though, the back story is that MIL won't allow any of that.