Another Thanksgiving bites the dust: UPDATE post 65

[monkeybug]

And it hasn't even happened yet! I've been in NC for a shade over 6 years, and for each of those years, EVERY holiday has been rough. My entire, large, boisterous, fun (and dysfunctional) family is living back in NY. I miss the big crazy family holidays with them as it is now just me, DH, DMIL and occasionally my loser of a BIL. I literally grit my teeth and bear it during the holidays that now consist of the four of us sitting in front of the tv, staring at each other (maybe watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe marathon or whatever the Discovery channel has on...not my choice).

It was a shock to young me when I went to a holiday at my IL's for the first time! (It also happened to be the first time I'd met them) I was like "Oh. So THIS is what all those MIL jokes are all about. Hmm Imagine that!"
My Mom called me from home on Christmas day, the large, boisterous, fun (and dysfunctional) family laughing and celebrating in the cabin they had rented. I looked down at the olive tray with slices of velveeta cheese and bugles on it, and then to the family sitting on the couch watching QVC, and to my FIL passed out drunk (at noon). I swallowed the biggest lump I'd had in a long time and tried to sound like I was having a great time. My mom told me later that when she hung up the phone and said to my dad "Well, we never have to worry about our baby moving to Pennsylvania!"
I love my husband, and I know how much he loves his family, but I refuse!!!!! to let an olive tray, 5 minutes of opening presents from the dollar store, and not a drop of Christmas cheer in sight to be my family's Christmas memories. I come from a family of over doers! Everything is a big exciting production...fresh trees, tons of cookies, sledding, Christmas music, farting contests...how do you follow that up with QVC and eau de cat pee? I'm pretty good at conning my kids, but even I couldn't con them into believing that this is good times!!!
My solution? Like you said we have "do overs". On years when it's time to celebrate with my husbands family (we alternate between my side and his) we have our "real" Christmas either before or after. We don't look at the time spent with his family as any more than a visit and don't really think it matters what day we celebrate anyways. We have a cousin on his side of the family who has just made the blanket rule that on Christmas they celebrate at their home as a family, and then visit extended family before or after Christmas. I think the important thing is to make sure you make time to celebrate the way you want to, and then you don't have to feel like your getting short changed.
Go to your MIL's (my heart breaks for her, what a difficult situation) but then later (or before) invite over some of your friends and cook a big meal and eat and laugh until you snort!! Do the things you miss doing with your family, and just look at the time spent with his like any other visit. Not the "real" Thanksgiving.

 

[princess momma]

From the Cracker Barrel website:

"Thanksgiving Dinners To Go
Helping you set your holiday table is one of our favorite traditions. Simply call ahead for an entire Thanksgiving meal to-go that serves six and includes turkey breast, turkey gravy, cornbread dressing, a sampling of baked sugar-cured ham, your choice of three vegetables, cranberry relish and bread. Just give us a 48-hour notice when you order and we’ll have your complete meal packed up and ready to travel. Bulk To Go $49.99"

Maybe you could offer to bring the food. I'd hate to think that your depressed MIL will be alone for the holiday.

She sounds like she could use some help.

 

[KirstenB]

All the grocery stores around here have a deal where you pre-order (probably this week) a cooked turkey dinner and the fixings, serves 6-8 for around $59,99. All you have to do is reheat, and voila!

 

[Daydreamer64]

I agree with pp, order a dinner to go and pick it up or have it delivered. You can say that you know what pressure she has been under and wanted to give her a break this holiday. She will probably be relieved not to have to fix food since she is burned out.

Let me add that, I love my MIL. She is a terrific giving lady, who has given up on herself

When we have these kinds of holidays, I am always the one helping with the food, doing dishes, initiating conversation, trying to keep the "excitement" going.

She has got it terribly bad.

You may feel sorry that the holidays are not the ones that you grew up with, but please consider this- you may be the only bright spot in her life right now. You may be the only reason that she even bothers with holidays.


I miscarried our first baby just before losing my Mom and then my Grandma with-in 6 months.

Then we were in a flood and lost everything, had to move over 500 miles to live with his parents for a while.

DFIL was then diagnosed with a brain tumor and died slowly over the next half of year during which I wasn't working so was his full time care giver as his wife had to work to keep his insurance and Dh had to work to pay our bills.

I was giving everything that I had left to give and did feel sorry for myself and ended in a depressed state of mind.

The only other person I had in my life was my DH.

I didn't have anything to give to him nor myself.

After a while things got a little easier but I only felt worse when my loved ones wanted to go places to be "out", I really needed someone to take care of me to let me cocoon for a while before I was ready to join life again and start to heal. They were well meaning but they just couldn't understand where I was in my life at that time.

I may be able to understand where she is at in her life right now.

Maybe you need to go "home" for Christmas, even if it's only for a few days? - if not this season how about next year?



,

 

[jrmasm]

From the Cracker Barrel website:

"Thanksgiving Dinners To GoHelping you set your holiday table is one of our favorite traditions. Simply call ahead for an entire Thanksgiving meal to-go that serves six and includes turkey breast, turkey gravy, cornbread dressing, a sampling of baked sugar-cured ham, your choice of three vegetables, cranberry relish and bread. Just give us a 48-hour notice when you order and we’ll have your complete meal packed up and ready to travel. Bulk To Go $49.99"

Maybe you could offer to bring the food. I'd hate to think that your depressed MIL will be alone for the holiday.

She sounds like she could use some help.

That's what I was thinking. Then at least the food won't be terrible.

 

[Jennasis]

You may feel sorry that the holidays are not the ones that you grew up with, but please consider this- you may be the only bright spot in her life right now. You may be the only reason that she even bothers with holidays.


I miscarried our first baby just before losing my Mom and then my Grandma with-in 6 months.

Then we were in a flood and lost everything, had to move over 500 miles to live with his parents for a while.

DFIL was then diagnosed with a brain tumor and died slowly over the next half of year during which I wasn't working so was his full time care giver as his wife had to work to keep his insurance and Dh had to work to pay our bills.

I was giving everything that I had left to give and did feel sorry for myself and ended in a depressed state of mind.

The only other person I had in my life was my DH.

I didn't have anything to give to him nor myself.

After a while things got a little easier but I only felt worse when my loved ones wanted to go places to be "out", I really needed someone to take care of me to let me cocoon for a while before I was ready to join life again and start to heal. They were well meaning but they just couldn't understand where I was in my life at that time.

I may be able to understand where she is at in her life right now.

Matbe you need to go "home" for Christmas, even if it's only for a few days? - if not this season how about next year?



,

If you read my post (and subsequent posts) you would see that my concern for my MIL is of paramount importance. More so than yucky food or being forced to watch the Discovery Channel. Her health is our primary concern.

I also know there are millions of people who have much bigger problems than I have. I'm still aloud to have my 15 minute pity party before snapping into action, aren't I?

We will find a solution. There have been outstanding suggestions from the board so far.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

If you read my post (and subsequent posts) you would see that my concern for my MIL is of paramount importance. More so than yucky food or being forced to watch the Discovery Channel. Her health is our primary concern.

I also know there are millions of people who have much bigger problems than I have. I'm still aloud to have my 15 minute pity party before snapping into action, aren't I?

We will find a solution. There have been outstanding suggestions from the board so far.

Truthfully, I read your post, and it didn't seem to me like your MIL was of any "paramount importance" in the least. It seemed like you wanted to throw yourself a "pity part" as you say, because you don't want to spend the holidays with her or the man she takes care of, who you said is just another body in the living room, not talking.

If thats you caring, what are you like if you don't care??

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

Jennasis. You have your pity party! I'll go have some cheese in honor of your whine.

If the bulk meal to go is too much food from Cracker Barrel, you can order the meals to go. They come with the dessert, just not the drink. However, you CAN order a gallon of the sweet tea to go.

NY girl born and raised, but I love our Cracker Barrel tradition. Going on 8 years now of not having to cook and clean up and throw out the leftovers we all don't like.


Hope you find a compromise that works for you and the rest of your family. Really hope your MIL allows you to help her.

 

[monkeybug]

Truthfully, I read your post, and it didn't seem to me like your MIL was of any "paramount importance" in the least. It seemed like you wanted to throw yourself a "pity part" as you say, because you don't want to spend the holidays with her or the man she takes care of, who you said is just another body in the living room, not talking.

If thats you caring, what are you like if you don't care??

Ouch!! Really?? Wow!
Ummm...maybe I'm a heartless jerk, but I'm ALL for the occasional pity party. Of everything in the world people seem to think they are entitled to, pity parties are among the few that I feel are truly warranted.
I think when we stop and admit that we are not all loving, all perfect and completely selfless and allow our selves to just "have a moment" it's easier to be understanding of other peoples problems and put aside our own in an effort to assist them.
Have at the pity party OP!!! You DO deserve one!!!! Holiday's are important, and it does SUCK that yours fall far, far short of your expectations. Feeling sorry for yourself does NOT mean you don't feel sorry for everyone else in the situation. I think anyone who doesn't understand that, doesn't understand empathy very well.

 

[ginna74]

I wish I had a cracker barell around.... humph!!!

 

[Jennasis]

Truthfully, I read your post, and it didn't seem to me like your MIL was of any "paramount importance" in the least. It seemed like you wanted to throw yourself a "pity part" as you say, because you don't want to spend the holidays with her or the man she takes care of, who you said is just another body in the living room, not talking.

If thats you caring, what are you like if you don't care??

Phooey on you.



Anyhoo...Just spoke to DH on the phone (finally got back from his lunch). We had plans to take MIL out to dinner on Saturday to a neat German restaurant nearby that she's been wanting to try. So we're going to take that time and talk to her about why (the real why) she wants to stay home this Thanksgiving, and present some alternatives (ordering food, going out etc).

Say what you will nutter, I love my MIL (though I do hate her cooking) and I love spending time with her. I'm not going to sit idly by and watch her slip away emotionally (and physically). I don't agree with or enjoy their particular holiday style and I DO miss my family like crazy. I'm dealing with our reality and trying to manage it as best we can.

 

[C.Ann]

Definitely go for the full precooked Thanksgiving dinner - the whole works.. When talking to DH and your MIL, be sure to stress that you are doing this for her to make things easier for her because she works so hard taking care of her dad.. Hopefully she will be recptive to that..

I know all about food that isn't edible.. That is why I never go to my DD's IL's for Thanksgiving dinner.. I prefer to stay home alone rather than try to "choke" that food down.. She's another one that uses no salt (won't even place it on the table) - uses no seasonings in anything - undercooks or burns most everything - and I simply refuse to make myself sick (literally) for the sake of being "sociable".. My stomach is too sensitive for that and I would be sick for days on end..

The poor woman just can't cook - and refuses to buy the precooked dinners - so this year I'll "pass" again and spend the day unpacking - the result of my return from the lake..

I'd really, really push for picking up the precooked dinner if I were you.. Good luck!

 

[Jennasis]

Definitely go for the full precooked Thanksgiving dinner - the whole works.. When talking to DH and your MIL, be sure to stress that you are doing this for her to make things easier for her because she works so hard taking care of her dad.. Hopefully she will be recptive to that..

I know all about food that isn't edible.. That is why I never go to my DD's IL's for Thanksgiving dinner.. I prefer to stay home alone rather than try to "choke" that food down.. She's another one that uses no salt (won't even place it on the table) - uses no seasonings in anything - undercooks or burns most everything - and I simply refuse to make myself sick (literally) for the sake of being "sociable".. My stomach is too sensitive for that and I would be sick for days on end..

The poor woman just can't cook - and refuses to buy the precooked dinners - so this year I'll "pass" again and spend the day unpacking - the result of my return from the lake..

I'd really, really push for picking up the precooked dinner if I were you.. Good luck!

Thanks! I'll try pushing for that one too. It seems to be a very popular opinion here, and when that many voices speak, I try to listen.

 

[Daydreamer64]

You apparently picked the wrong post to quote- slow down and mind your manners as nothing in my post remotely resembles what you just mouthed off about when quoting ME.

If you read my post (and subsequent posts) you would see that my concern for my MIL is of paramount importance. More so than yucky food or being forced to watch the Discovery Channel. Her health is our primary concern.

I also know there are millions of people who have much bigger problems than I have. I'm still aloud to have my 15 minute pity party before snapping into action, aren't I?

We will find a solution. There have been outstanding suggestions from the board so far.

I don't appreciate being mis-quoted nor jumped on in a defensive manner. I am sorry that I bothered to care about you and your "issues".

You misunderstood my post--the point was I was complimenting you for your loyalty to her and your FIL. I never mentioned cold food, nor watching TV for the holidays

I shared "my" story with you so you might see how desperately she really needs you to "cocoon" her and let her stay in the comfort of her home for the dinner.

I did read your other posts and that's why I was trying to say that you were doing her a great good by being there no matter how hard it seemed. Did you miss the part where I said I was depressed and understood how it felt?

I seldom get stressed over other people's problems and have never written a negative post until today. I only posted to be supportive.

In your haste to fire off that nasty post aimed at the wrong person, you missed the part where I suggested the pre-ordered meal and a trip back home for you as soon as possible.

You can have your pitty party for all I care. I tried to support you by telling you that I too had a time to have a pitty party during and after my situation.

The next time you quote a post- please have the courtesy to make sure you are quoting the right post and for petes sake- grow up and quite being so defensive.

I've found that overly defensive people are not really reading the post word for word and then strike out when they think they are getting picked on.

If this is the way that you are in real life, you will be doing your inlaws a favor- go home make sure that you are happy. Your time will come to deal with real life when you are old.

Your MIL and FIL aren't stupid, if you have to pretend you are happy there, that must make them feel really bad and somewhat of a bother to know you don't want to be with your dying, only a body sitting, adding no conversation to the day, boring FIL and his equally unhappy poor cook wife.

And, for what it's worth, I have better things to do then support a rude and self absorbed person who can't take the time to actually read the post but just give a knee jerk reaction.

So, in case you don't understand what I am typing to you, since you apparently couldn't understand my previous post, don't bother to respond as I will not care nor bother reading any more replies on this post from you.

Have a nice holiday.

 

[Longsx3]

OP, I know this is not the advice you were looking for but has any ever mentioned Hospice to your MIL? It sounds like GF maybe a candidate and it would take a lot of pressure off MIL. They would also offer MIL counseling and Respite care for when she needs a break.

My Mother and Mother in Law both live with me, my Mother has ALS and for the most part is still able to care for herself but I still get over overwhelmed at times. Currently she is not on Hospice care but when the time comes I will definitely welcome the assistance

Cracker Barrel is a good choice

 

[Jennasis]

You apparently picked the wrong post to quote- slow down and mind your manners as nothing in my post remotely resembles what you just mouthed off about when quoting ME.



I don't appreciate being mis-quoted nor jumped on in a defensive manner. I am sorry that I bothered to care about you and your "issues".

You misunderstood my post--the point was I was complimenting you for your loyalty to her and your FIL. I never mentioned cold food, nor watching TV for the holidays

I shared "my" story with you so you might see how desperately she really needs you to "cocoon" her and let her stay in the comfort of her home for the dinner.

I did read your other posts and that's why I was trying to say that you were doing her a great good by being there no matter how hard it seemed. Did you miss the part where I said I was depressed and understood how it felt?

I seldom get stressed over other people's problems and have never written a negative post until today. I only posted to be supportive.

In your haste to fire off that nasty post aimed at the wrong person, you missed the part where I suggested the pre-ordered meal and a trip back home for you as soon as possible.

You can have your pitty party for all I care. I tried to support you by telling you that I too had a time to have a pitty party during and after my situation.

The next time you quote a post- please have the courtesy to make sure you are quoting the right post and for petes sake- grow up and quite being so defensive.

I've found that overly defensive people are not really reading the post word for word and then strike out when they think they are getting picked on.

If this is the way that you are in real life, you will be doing your inlaws a favor- go home make sure that you are happy. Your time will come to deal with real life when you are old.

Your MIL and FIL aren't stupid, if you have to pretend you are happy there, that must make them feel really bad and somewhat of a bother to know you don't want to be with your dying, only a body sitting, adding no conversation to the day, boring FIL and his equally unhappy poor cook wife.

And, for what it's worth, I have better things to do then support a rude and self absorbed person who can't take the time to actually read the post but just give a knee jerk reaction.

So, in case you don't understand what I am typing to you, since you apparently couldn't understand my previous post, don't bother to respond as I will not care nor bother reading any more replies on this post from you.

Have a nice holiday.

My apologies. I took your post the wrong way it seemed. It felt like the beginning of your post was an indictment against my feelings toward my MIL and the middle was a "but-it-could-be-SO-much-worse-look-how-bad-MY-problems-are" type thing. I was wrong.

I freely admit as soon as I read that, I tuned out. And I apologize for that...I truly do. Things on the DIS tend to take a turn for the worst and I was quick to be defensive.

Thanks for taking the time out to correct me and I really do appreciate your sympathizing with me. Eating crow isn't so bad....still better than my MIL's cooking!

An added note for those keeping up, MIL called today to tell me that my BIL (her oldest son and DH's bro...a HUGE loser) will be coming for T-Day with his girlfriend (who I like a LOT. She's a cool chick!) and they will apparently be staying with me and DH.

She mentioned the notion of her making dinner but I didn't want to get into it over the phone, so I kept mum. We'll talk to her in person on Saturday.

 

[dismom2]

You apparently picked the wrong post to quote- slow down and mind your manners as nothing in my post remotely resembles what you just mouthed off about when quoting ME.



I don't appreciate being mis-quoted nor jumped on in a defensive manner. I am sorry that I bothered to care about you and your "issues".

You misunderstood my post--the point was I was complimenting you for your loyalty to her and your FIL. I never mentioned cold food, nor watching TV for the holidays

I shared "my" story with you so you might see how desperately she really needs you to "cocoon" her and let her stay in the comfort of her home for the dinner.

I did read your other posts and that's why I was trying to say that you were doing her a great good by being there no matter how hard it seemed. Did you miss the part where I said I was depressed and understood how it felt?

I seldom get stressed over other people's problems and have never written a negative post until today. I only posted to be supportive.

In your haste to fire off that nasty post aimed at the wrong person, you missed the part where I suggested the pre-ordered meal and a trip back home for you as soon as possible.

You can have your pitty party for all I care. I tried to support you by telling you that I too had a time to have a pitty party during and after my situation.

The next time you quote a post- please have the courtesy to make sure you are quoting the right post and for petes sake- grow up and quite being so defensive.
I've found that overly defensive people are not really reading the post word for word and then strike out when they think they are getting picked on.

If this is the way that you are in real life, you will be doing your inlaws a favor- go home make sure that you are happy. Your time will come to deal with real life when you are old.

Your MIL and FIL aren't stupid, if you have to pretend you are happy there, that must make them feel really bad and somewhat of a bother to know you don't want to be with your dying, only a body sitting, adding no conversation to the day, boring FIL and his equally unhappy poor cook wife.

And, for what it's worth, I have better things to do then support a rude and self absorbed person who can't take the time to actually read the post but just give a knee jerk reaction.
So, in case you don't understand what I am typing to you, since you apparently couldn't understand my previous post, don't bother to respond as I will not care nor bother reading any more replies on this post from you.

Have a nice holiday.

You must not have taken the time to read the OP's post "word for word" either. She wasn't talking about her FIL and his wife. I think you should take some of your own advise. You are quite the emotional person....

 

[manning]

This may be the problem. She cares for her father 24/7. the other number I didn't see was the number of days a year. If that number is 365 that is not good. She needs time off for herself. Can you come up with some money for a care giver at least once a week to give her a chance to get out of the house on her own.

How about your husband take her out for dinner every now and then, sometimes with you. Be insistant about it. Also go out with her and do some girl things. How about a makeover. Doesn't have to be expensive. Just something different.

We had to get a full time care giver for my MIL and they did not work a 7 day week. They were relieved at least once a week, sometimes twice a week. The reason we got a care giver is I saw what was happening to my wife and she was taking care of her 24/7 for 5 months. It was bringing her down. I finally put my foot down and had a talk with her two brothers on the line of "ok it's time for some help her. Your doing your thing and it is time for her to start doing her's." They agreed to the care giver.

365 days a year. That would drive anyone bonkers.

 

[disykat]

I've found that overly defensive people are not really reading the post word for word and then strike out when they think they are getting picked on.

Truer words were never spoken! Yikes - note to self to remember this name and stay safe from the fray!

 

[golfgal]

I would offer to make our buy the food-it sounds like your MIL has enough to deal with. I would also spend some time with your MIL discussing options for her Dad. There are a lot of adult day care places, assisted living facilities and nursing homes that would be good options for her to investigate.