An Inconvenient Truth: happyhaunt Style! (New... pg. 113!)

[1000thhappyhaunt]

Leaving EE was a relief. Quite frankly. It was just crazy with people. Too crowded. We head for Kali River Rapids hoping that we won't have too long a wait. There are quite a few strollers parked along the side of the path near its entrance but we walk right through. After the CM measures Tommy to make sure he's big enough to ride. He is. We follow the trail and continue through the shaded waiting areas where there is a buttload of cool stuff to look at if you actually have to stand and wait. We didn't. At all. Amazingly it was at walk-on status. Whoooo hooooo!!!! PAR-TAY! That's 'cause everyone else in the park was milling around in front of EE, putting on sunscreen, hopping in and out of line and losing their children. What freakin' losers. I say. Better off to be riding Disney's Chakranadi River. Where one will get twirled, twisted, bumped around, overheated and then splashed... possibly soaked... with dirty smelling theme park water. But, then, that's still better than getting splashed with polluted water from the REAL Kali River... and perhaps bumping into a bloated corpse or two. Along the way. Did you know that Kali is a tantric goddess? She takes life and feeds on death and blood sacrifices. It's sooooooo Disney. Is it not? I think.

We head towards a raft... following the CM's directions and trying not to wipe out on the rotating platform. We jump on and I head across to the other side and belt myself in. Calvin belts in beside me. Mellyman stores our backpack in the middle drum and then sits directly across the raft from us. Beside Tommy. Beth joins THEIR little group. Directly across from Calvin and I. Because we've ridden this ride a bunch of times. Before. Together as a group. And they want to get wet. But not completely drowned. They know that, inevitably, I am going down. First. That's right... no matter which seat I've ever taken on this ride... I am the one going backwards down the big drop. I am the one to get swamped by the huge wave and soaked through to the skin. Always. I'm like 6 for 6. By now. Calvin WANTS to get wet. That's why he joined me. The others want to avoid sitting near me at all costs. Hence our raft distribution. Others join us. Flanking Calvin and I. We head out. To test the theory. We get to the top of the big drop. The raft spins around and I'm facing backwards. Again. Woooossssshhhh! FWUUUMPPP! The wave crashes over Calvin's and my heads. We're drenched. Tommy is laughing his excited squeal laugh. Mellyman and Beth are laughing. Calvin is laughing. Alrighty. I admit it: I'm laughing too. 7 for 7. My grade is 100%. On Kali. We float through the rest of the ride, get squirted by the elephant. That the people up on the bridge are controlling and get off our raft. We run out and around and do it again. It's still a walk-on. This time Beth says, "Mommy sits by HERSELF! Over there! Sit way far away from us!". Geez. So... in the words of Buddha: "MAKE ME!" I sit right beside her and put my arm around my little buddy. Let's GO! At the top of the drop, we spin again. We're backwards. Again. Whoooooshhhhhh! WHUUUUUMMMP! The tidal wave hits. Beth and I. Major swampage. Yet again. 8 for 8, BABY! Three happyhaunts are squealing with laughter. Beth is pretending to punch me in the shoulder. Oh. No. She's actually punching me. We finish the ride and, yep, hit it again. ONE MORE TIME! This time Mellyman orders me to my own seat, "Over there, Mel! You are sitting BY YOURSELF, WOMAN!" Geez. Soooo... in the words of Mahatma Gandhi: "GET STUFFED!" I grab Calvin and haul him, protesting loudly, over to a seat beside Me(l). Once more the raft spins at the top of the drop. We are, once again, backwards. Whooooosssshhhhhh! FWUUUUUUUMPPPPP! The tsunami hits. Me and The Koala. I yell "CARP!!!!!!!". They all squeal and shriek with laughter. They think I'm yelling "CRAP!!!!!" But. I'm actually yelling "carp". 'Cause I actually think I swallowed a fish on that one. I am now... wetter than wet. Calvin too. We get out and vote to do it ONE MORE TIME. Run around and get on. This time I listen to their pleas and sit by myself. The rest of the happyhaunts sit across from me. A nice little family group... of FOUR. Another big family joins us and their father belts in beside me. Heh heh. He looks at us dripping all over the raft... and says, in a lovely British accent, "You must have done this one already." I say, "No. We just did Expedition Everest for the first time. Man... we were SO nervous!" We take off and at the top of the drop the raft spins again. It spins me and my British chap AWAY from the backwards position. Hurrrahhhhh!!!! The four other happyhaunts go down first. Backwards. Whhoooooooooshhhhhh! WHUUUUUMMPPPP!

Heh heh.

Heh.

So... I'm 9 for 10. On Kali. Amazingly, I have never won a lottery. Ever.

Tommy wants to do it AGAIN. We all vote: NO. Mellyman says that he's very hungry and wants to get some food. Everyone else agrees. Wow. We all suddenly realized we are famished. Me too. My stomach feels fine. Again. We grab the stroller and walk towards the Flame Tree BBQ. Dripping with water. At least we're nice and cool though. I tell Mellyman that my sopping jean shorts are wedged so far up my behind that I think I can taste denim. He thanks me for that little FYI. Right before lunch. No prob, honey. My pleasure.

We get to the Flame Tree and wander through the vast, mazelike seating areas behind it. We are looking for a table. Finally we find one and drag an extra chair over. We know, from experience, it's important to find the table at first TOGETHER. In a group. 'Cause the last time we ate here, Beth and I went to order, pay and bring the food back for everyone. Leaving the men to find a table. How hard could it be to find them? We figured. As hard as finding a man in Hollywood who hasn't "dated" Paris Hilton. That hard. Yep. And that includes Hollywood, Florida too. We wandered around with our food getting cold for AGES last time. Before we spied them. There's nothing ruder than cold fries. Except for Paris Hilton. So this time we planned ahead. We all found our table together. Mellyman sat with the boys while Beth and I headed off to get lunch. Then, when we return, my brave DH will go buy himself one of those HUGE disgusting smoked turkey legs from the vendor beside the Flame Tree. He's going to skip the smoked goat one, today. For some reason he's been off goat for awhile. Like twenty years. Or so.

Beth and I go and order our food. We get the half smoked chicken with beans and corn, a basket of fries, one mixed green salad minus the chicken and balsamic vinagrette and two large aka pool-sized drinks. The kids and I will share. This. We pay using our DDE card, pick up our food and realize they've put chicken in the salad by accident. I don't really care, though, and I don't want to wait for another so we just take it and leave. Beth carries the drinks for safety and we get condiments and utensils and head back to the guys. Sorta. Anyhow. You'd probably figure we could FIND THEM this time. But, NO, we wander around and realize that this freakin' seating area is the most convoluted, confusing place. ON EARTH. Finally we see them. Sorta. I don't see Calvin. With them. That's because as we head over towards them, he jumps out from his excellent hiding place and scares the CRAP outta me. And Beth. Too. We're so grateful for this. Since I'm carrying a huge tray of OUR FOOD. And she's carrying two large drinks... with NO LIDS. Geez. We lose a number of rapidly cooling fries, some ketchup and all our napkins. Plus some of the pop. But we still have a buttload. Of that. We're good. We collectively wonder what Calvin was thinking by jumping out at us like that? Mellyman scolds him but good... then sets off on his journey in search of a smoked turkey leg. We wish him luck.

And hope to see him again.

To be continued. Up next: We eat, rate our meal on the PeptoB Scale, leave the AK AND attempt to find the BWV. And Walmart.

 

[Minnie]

I'm first this time -

Melly - My family is one of those that you see covered with ponchos. In July. In 115 degee heat on Kali Rapids Wet clothes are just not our thing.

Well my DS and my thing anyway. My DS still asks ina panicked voice "mom why won't grandma put on her poncho"?

 

[NAB]

Isn't it funny how people go on wet rides but don't want to get wet . And it is not good to be in wet jeans either I feel for ya.

 

[Kimberly815]

Aaahh, a little bit of Disney to get me through this bad day! Thanks!

 

[DisneyGirl4188]

Another big family joins us and their father belts in beside me. Heh heh. He looks at us dripping all over the raft... and says, in a lovely British accent, "You must have done this one already." I say, "No. We just did Expedition Everest for the first time. Man... we were SO nervous!" We take off and at the top of the drop the raft spins again.

Funniest Thing Ever!

 

[patrokls]

. Did you know that Kali is a tantric goddess? She takes life and feeds on death and blood sacrifices. It's sooooooo Disney. Is it not? I think.

Well I would argue that money is the life blood of civilization and Disney feeds on money. So maybe it is Disney.

I find that on Kali the heavier side seems to go down first. This is in no way a statement on anyone's weight if they were seated by themselves. It could just be luck or lack there of.

 

[Lisa_Belle]

OK, was I the only one hoping that the folks who would sit next to Me(l) on Kali be the rude tram folks? I was just waiting to learn they got slammed dunked with water.

 

[paslea_pooh]

Great Job Melly!!

Keep it coming.

 

[offwegotoneverland]

Thank you so much...fantastic report and writing...but what no starbucks?????just the walmart???

 

[jennymouse]

OK, was I the only one hoping that the folks who would sit next to Me(l) on Kali be the rude tram folks? I was just waiting to learn they got slammed dunked with water.

Yep, that would've been perfect! Of course, I doubt that they would've ridden. I'm sure when they saw it was Me(l) they would've run from there like they'd stole something!lol

 

[tribus121]

Tribus121's wifey, just so you know that it isn't tribus121. I bet that the rude tram folks wouldn't like that ride that Melly and family went on. They would have had gotten to wet. But of course, it would have cooled the red faced wifey if they did.

Tribus121's wife

 

[Yzma and Kronk]

Hey Mel - Excellent read so far

Keep on truckin'.....

 

[bbangel]

How has the tag fairy missed you? I was laughing so hard I was snorting. Not pretty.

 

[ZZUB]

The others want to avoid sitting near me at all costs.

This is true but not for the reasons you think. Only your closest friends will tell you. Mel, it's about your breath. . .

As hard as finding a man in Hollywood who hasn't "dated" Paris Hilton. That hard. Yep. And that includes Hollywood, Florida too.

This is freakin genius! Not only do you attack the morally challenged Ms. Hilton but you ripped off a great geography joke to boot. Good for you, a proud Canadian, knowing about Hollywood, FL.

"No. We just did Expedition Everest for the first time. Man... we were SO nervous!"

And now a story from the ZZUB collection. When we took my daughter to MGM the first time (she was a little over a year old) we were standing in line for the Not So Great Movie Ride. My wife had just slathered my daughter up with sunscreen and my daughter rubbed it into her eyes. Thus her eyes were red and puffy and teary. Kind of like Madeline Albright. The couple in line behind us were looking at my daughter and asked if she was ok. "Yeah, she's fine. She just didn't like the Tower of Terror." While their jaws were dropping, I turned to my wife and scolded her, "I told you we shouldn't take her on that!"

Somewhere in Arkansas, there is a couple still contemplating calling child protective services on us.

How was the food at Flame Tree? We're thinking about eating there next trip.

 

[2xcited2slp]

You'll probably just skim this since Zzub is right before me, but Kali water does wonders for the coiff doesn't it? MMM, yeah, don't want to sit with you either. No offense. Really.

I was also impressed with your knowledge of Hollywood, Florida.

Good job.

 

[Loves Disney]

Isn't it funny how people go on wet rides but don't want to get wet . And it is not good to be in wet jeans either I feel for ya.

Ugh...I know what it is like to wear soaking wet jean shorts. Last summer we went on the Kali River Rapids and our family ended up partly scattered. (well ok, my whole family on one end and I on the other lol). And as you can guess, I was the one to get the "Soaked" end of the raft lol. The wave was DIRECTLY over my head and crashed on me. I felt like I was swimming! lol.

I had to walk around the park with soaking wet jean shorts and gosh...it sucked! lol.

 

[Mumbler]

Mel, great TR so far, I never thought anything could compete with the last one but this is just as good if not better.

As for the soaking jean shorts, you should be thankful. My first time on Kali I had on a light pair of khaki's that became tranparent upon becoming wet. I felt so indecent at a family park in transparent shorts!!!!

 

[GeorgiaAristocat]

Mel - another excellent installment.

What ZZUB said (or is his name Stan? Christopher? Robin? Judge?)

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

Day Two Motors On... aka The TR installment after the one where patrokls called Me(l) fat. AND unlucky. And then another bunch of you told me I have bad breath. Geez. I feel as popular as a Dixie Chick at Dubya's birthday. Or an American in Paris. Or, for that matter, ANYONE in Paris who isn't Parisian. What I'm trying to say is this: Thanks for continuing to read my trippie. I heart you all.

So...my big brave handsome voyageur of a DH heads off to find himself a piece of smoked meat the size of P.E.I. That's Prince Edward Island, a Canadian province, for the few of you Americans who aren't Canadian geography buffs. P.E.I. is known for its potatoes, red soil and Anne of Green Gables. The book and then the TV series. In fact, the year before Mellyman proposed to Me(l) we took a trip out East. We had our first real fight while touring Anne's old homestead aka Green Gables in Cavendish. We were arguing a point... which, of course, I WAS CORRECT about. And NOT him. Having read ALL the ANNE BOOKS... I'm just sayin'... and so I punctuated my point with a very HARD flick to his nose. A nose flick aka a common form of boyfriend discipline. He teared up from the pain and claimed he no longer wanted to tour the rest of the property with me. Including Marilla's room and the Haunted Woods. And he left. Me. Did I learn my lesson? Absolutely. Not. But I cut way down on the nose flicks for emphasis after that. But not for discipline. Where in heck was I? Oh... so he goes to get a smoked turkey leg. Yuck. I wouldn't want to tangle with the turkey that that size of leg came off. Although, I WOULD like to see our ex-PM Jean Chretien take another big turkey on... providing, of course, he's armed with his trusty inuit sculpture. That is a Canadian joke. That I just made up. You won't get it. No matter. Just remember that Art Saves Lives. That's all you have to know. The rest of the hungry happyhaunts begin to eat. And, I have to tell you, it was very good. For counter service food. The smoked chicken was delish. I dipped it in the BBQ sauce that they provide in a large VAT outside the Flame Tree. It was good BBQ sauce too. Calvin ate the beans and said he liked them. Tommy ate the corn. And, while it wasn't pretty, it looked like he DID enjoy it. Beth ate most of the fries. Because she hates vegetables. Heh heh. Calvin and I split the salad. Which was very large and I used the balsamic dressing which I had requested on the side. It was fine. Calvin didn't like the dressing so he enjoyed his mixed greens with a fine drizzle of BBQuette. On it. Mellyman returned and dug into the honkin' turkey leg. He shared some of it with one or two of the kids. All I can say is: I'm SO glad he remembered to get a bunch of extra napkins. He tried my salad and liked the dressing just fine. Better than I did, actually. We finished up. This is the happyhaunt rating for our lunch:

Flame Tree BBQ ~ No shots of PeptoB. Two Tums chewed 20 minutes apart. Mild, managable stomach cramps. Ever so slight feeling of nausea. Basically... 5 thumbs up from the happyhaunts. We WILL return.

Then we were left with the challenge of finding our way OUT of the maze of outdoor seating for the Flame Tree. As Calvin's punishment for his Shock and Awe lunge at Beth and I carrying our lunch... we made him plot the route out.

Here he is feverishly working with the map:

With the aid of his little brother Tommy. Next time we come we're going to blaze a trail. To our table. Remind me to try and smuggle a Swiss Army Classic Pocket Knife past the airport security. Again.

Anyhow... we figure out our way and decide to leave the AK for the day. I know. I know. We've done ONE RIDE... four times. You know us, though, we are the thrifty, trail blazing, reiterant, raft-lovin' happyhaunts. Plus we have to go check in to the BWV and hit Walmart for supplies. We wander around a bit while we finish drying off looking at souveniers and even some animals. Imagine that. Then we leave. On the way out Tommy sees several characters at the front gates which he MUST meet. One is one of his very favourites: Red Riding Hood.

This is Tommy with Red Riding Hood...

Note how Red Riding Hood's hand is indignantly perched on his hip while Tommy talks to him. That is because Tommy is calling him "Red Riding Hood".

We also see Brer Bear... whom I didn't recognize right off the bat because we weren't treated to the usual rump view as in Splash Mountain.

And a vicious rodent who attempts to smother Tommy.

The rest of us just stand around helplessly. Trying to figure out whether it's Chip or Dale.

We wait for the tram to take us back to our red SUV with the purple spider on it. We all get to sit together this time. In the seats that face each other. Mellyman is sitting on the outside with the stroller inside beside Tommy. Just before the tram takes off a young fella and his girlfriend come running to catch it. She jumps on the seat in front of us and he jumps on directly across from Mellyman. The tram takes off and both men are faced with the issue of just WHERE in HECK to put their knees. At first the other guy's legs are between Melly's. But that makes them uncomfortable. So they jockey for a better knee position... without actually talking or touching each other. For a good two minutes it looks like they are dancing with each other. I'm waiting for the hand jive. Plus I'm looking at Mellyman and laughing. Finally they decide to squeeze their knees together and point them in opposite directions. And avoid eye contact. It was funny. For me.

The tram stops at our aisle and we get off. Calvin runs ahead looking for the spider.

"I see it! I see it!"

Calvin sees it.

"Nup! NUP! NUP! NUP!!!"

And he's pretty darn happy about it.

"ssssssssssss. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

And he, also, has to go to the restroom. He forgot on the way out.

The inside of the SUV is SO HOT! SO HOTTTTTT! You have no idea. How hot. It makes me glad my shorts are still a little bit damp so that I don't burn my butt on the leather. The inside of the car, also, smells just like Starbuck's coffee. I had packed a pound in the OPK. It is now double-roasted. I fear for the state of my make-up. And the half of a ham and cheese sandwich left over from our airplane snacks. Methinks it'd be safer to just throw that away. Now.


To be continued. Up next: We get real lost.

 

[GeorgiaAristocat]

ohhhh, had to post quick to be the first to reply after this installment! Back to read . . .

and he jumps on directly across from Mellyman. The tram takes off and both men are faced with the issue of just WHERE in HECK to put their knees. At first the other guy's legs are between Melly's. But that makes them uncomfortable. So they jockey for a better knee position... without actually talking or touching each other. For a good two minutes it looks like they are dancing with each other. I'm waiting for the hand jive. Plus I'm looking at Mellyman and laughing. Finally they decide to squeeze their knees together and point them in opposite directions. And avoid eye contact. It was funny. For me.

And me. Silent shaking. Where's the video when you need it?