Am I wrong? Overreacting?

[tink1978]

My fiance and I are getting married in March. He has started to move a few things into my house, specifically his DVD's and Star Wars items. Both of these are large collections. I have given him an entire upstairs bedroom for his Star Wars books, audio tapes, and other collector's items. I emptied out the large closet under the stairs (and gave away everything that was in it, I kept nothing) for DVD's (this is the only closet, by the way, for storage as we have only one other closet that is not in a bedroom). He brought about 450 movies over last week. We went through them and through mine. We ended up taking all but 10 of my DVD's to trade in. He kept all but, maybe 20 of his. This is not a big deal to me. However, I did not know about the 150 wrestling DVD's he has (that he does not watch). He brought them over tonight and they filled up a whole DVD cabinet. I was not enthusiatic about it (because there are so many and he does not watch them), but I didn't say anything. When he saw that I wasn't excited about it, he asked what was wrong. I stated that I liked the idea of having lots of DVD's, if we are going to watch them, but I don't want to keep them just for the sake of keeping them. I mentioned that if we intended on buying more movies in the future, we would have to trade in ones we already have. He did not like that and got all sulky and wouldn't talk to me for over an hour. He also brought his "graphic novels" (comic books)....three large boxes of them.

As I mentioned before, I gave him the "guest room" for his Star Wars stuff and the closet downstairs for his DVD's. I have given up the majority of my books (three large bookcases full) because he didn't think I needed them. He was right and I had no problem getting rid of them. Now he wants to use all the bookcases for his graphic novels and other books he wants to bring.

The more I think about it, the more I need to figure out a good way to address this with him. I feel like I have given away a lot of my things for him, but he is not willing to do the same. Maybe I am overeacting and it's not a big deal, but it does get on my nerves. If anyone has any ideas, please advise!

Thanks for listening to my venting!

 

[Pinkgurlshubby]

If I had done that my wife would have burnt them all in front of me. I had to leave all my movies and toys at my parents house. Come to think of it I think everything is still piled up in my old closet...I should make a mental note to ask my mom

 

[sunnyday123]

He needs an entire bedroom for Star Wars toys? Tell him to put his comic books and dvd's in there too. And then bow down to you for being in his life.

Just kidding but seriously, an ENTIRE bedroom for Star Wars memorbilia?? And I know I spelled that wrong. But geez, he needs to learn the art of compromise, but I'm thinking it's going to be hard to get back to that if you already gave a whole bedroom up. I'd make him keep all of it in there. And then close the door.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why are you giving your books away? That is very odd that you went along with it. Is he a controlling person?

He is a collector of stuff. That is something you will need to accept. That is part of his character and probably not something that is going to change much.

You can organize better and compromise. Of course my compromise would be to get rid of the wrestling DVD's. Or all of them....I hate DVD clutter.
I have a few and that is it.

 

[tink1978]

That is what I feel like doing. Actually, I feel like crying. I mean, I want him to be able to keep some of his things, but if we are to build a life together, that means both of us giving things up in order to get things that are "ours". I think he will come around, but I have to find a gentle way of addressing it.

 

[tink1978]

He needs an entire bedroom for Star Wars toys? Tell him to put his comic books and dvd's in there too. And then bow down to you for being in his life.

Just kidding but seriously, an ENTIRE bedroom for Star Wars memorbilia?? And I know I spelled that wrong. But geez, he needs to learn the art of compromise, but I'm thinking it's going to be hard to get back to that if you already gave a whole bedroom up. I'd make him keep all of it in there. And then close the door.

You have no idea.....he has at least two closets at his house filled and 12 boxes of stuff at his parents. I told him to pick only things that could fit into the small upstairs bedroom (and it is tiny...it is better for a study than a bedroom, but it is currently a bedroom) and that he would have to sell the rest.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You have no idea.....he has at least two closets at his house filled and 12 boxes of stuff at his parents. I told him to pick only things that could fit into the small upstairs bedroom (and it is tiny...it is better for a study than a bedroom, but it is currently a bedroom) and that he would have to sell the rest.

Have him sell it first before he moves in. Once it is in there you will have a harder time getting it back out.

 

[tink1978]

Why are you giving your books away? That is very odd that you went along with it. Is he a controlling person?

He is a collector of stuff. That is something you will need to accept. That is part of his character and probably not something that is going to change much.

You can organize better and compromise. Of course my compromise would be to get rid of the wrestling DVD's. Or all of them....I hate DVD clutter.
I have a few and that is it.

No...he is not a controlling person...he just likes his stuff.

I did not have a problem giving up the books. I still have some, I didn't get rid of all of them. But, I kept the ones that I really love and have read several times. My thought is...if I haven't used it in six months, I don't need it. If I need it in the future, I can buy a new one.

I do accept that he is a collector, however, it is not all gonna fit in the house. He may have to rent a storage unit, which I am fine with if he wants to keep it all.

I also have no problem with the DVD's...just the wrestling ones b/c he doesn't watch them. If he actually watched them...I would be okay with it.

Don't get me wrong...he has given up some things...just very few things.

 

[agnes!]

You have to figure out if this is the hill you want to die on. It might be, it might not.

To me, it sounds like (from what you're saying) you've given up a lot and DBF has not. He, however, might be looking at it like he is moving into your place, and he's going to have to give up *his* place - not that you two are going to be living together for the rest of your lives. I am sensing some warning signs, but that's just me.

Imagine your family-life in 5/10/20 years. Like what you see? Have you two learned to compromise? Has he moved on to more and more collectibles? Is your house a shrine to all things George Lucas, are you happy with this vision of the future?

Just noticed something. You said *you* gave him the guest bedroom...does anything about that statement bother you? Is it yours to give or do you think your former house is now your new family-home?
Do you still feel like the sole owner?

agnes!

 

[tink1978]

Have him sell it first before he moves in. Once it is in there you will have a harder time getting it back out.

True....he hasn't moved this stuff in yet. I will definitely tell him that it has to be sold before the wedding.

 

[quasar4legs]

Sounds like you need a bigger place or he needs less stuff. I think it's time you give him a physics lesson.

I'm the book fiend in our house but we have plenty of room so it's not a problem. When you feel you can talk to him calmly about the issue I would have a chat, perhaps he just hasn't realised how you are feeling.


Trish

 

[Buckalew11]

I'm outta this one....lol. It is rare that I can watch a movie twice so I rarely buy DVDs. I could not take all that stuff. Just reading this gives me chills.

He may not be controlling but if he is sulking and not talking to you for an hour, that says otherwise. Just a warning from an old married lady.

 

[sunnyday123]

In all seriousness, talk to him about this before it festers. Trust me, stuff like this can build into such a resentment that 4 years from now teeny tiny stuff will blow up and all you'll think is "I gave you a whole room for your dolls and you won't even take the trash out!" And then he'll get mad at you for calling "action figures" "dolls" and before you know it he's sleeping with Darth Vader. ( Not literally but you know!)
Tell him you're feeling like you've given a little more than he has. He's probably telling his buddies Chewbaca and Han Solo how cool you are about everything and wondering how he can get you into that gold lame bikini Princess Leia wore and meanwhile you're wondering how the dog can "accidently" chew up/pee on everything in that room.

 

[tink1978]

You have to figure out if this is the hill you want to die on. It might be, it might not.

To me, it sounds like (from what you're saying) you've given up a lot and DBF has not. He, however, might be looking at it like he is moving into your place, and he's going to have to give up *his* place - not that you two are going to be living together for the rest of your lives. I am sensing some warning signs, but that's just me.

Imagine your family-life in 5/10/20 years. Like what you see? Have you two learned to compromise? Has he moved on to more and more collectibles? Is your house a shrine to all things George Lucas, are you happy with this vision of the future?

Just noticed something. You said *you* gave him the guest bedroom...does anything about that statement bother you? Is it yours to give or do you think your former house is now your new family-home?
Do you still feel like the sole owner?

agnes!

I can definitely see my life in the future, and it is good. I have no doubts. He is a very good man and I love him. I can't imagine my life without him in it.
We are able to compromise on lots of things, and he is willing to give up some of the things he has collected, but what is left is a lot...at least in my mind. If I talked with him about it, he would probably get rid of it, to be honest. I don't want him to give up everything he has purchased over the years, but I also don't want it filling up our entire house.

I did say that "I" gave him a small bedroom. He hasn't actually moved in yet, so yeah..I still think of it as my home. However, I won't have a problem calling it "our" home when he moves in. But, that is something I will think about. Maybe I am wrong in thinking that way.

 

[MAKmom]

At least you are dealing with this before you are married. You are going into this with your eyes wide open. Get it settled now

Fast forward 5 years to when you need the extra room for a baby.

 

[tink1978]

I'm outta this one....lol. It is rare that I can watch a movie twice so I rarely buy DVDs. I could not take all that stuff. Just reading this gives me chills.

He may not be controlling but if he is sulking and not talking to you for an hour, that says otherwise. Just a warning from an old married lady.

Maybe..I will talk to him about it. He did apologize before he went home and said that he would take a look again to see what he really wants to keep. I don't want anyone thinking that he is horrible. He's not. He may just be having a hard time letting go of the things he has accumulated over the years. I think that is understandable...but he will need to make some changes. I will talk to him tomorrow.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

.

 

[tink1978]

At least you are dealing with this before you are married. You are going into this with your eyes wide open. Get it settled now

Fast forward 5 years to when you need the extra room for a baby.

We have talked about this actually. He stated that when that time comes, he will sell the stuff so we have room and some extra cash. He's just having a hard time letting go of it now.

 

[All American]

Oh my gosh! My husband has an entire room in our basement with his, yes, Star Wars toys complete with the original weapons. In addition to this, are his boxes of G.I. Joe toys individually wrapped in plastic and his Transformers. Not to mention every computer cable and wire under the sun. Luckily, the He-man toys were sold on ebay. I totally get where you are coming from, trust me.

As much as I dream of piling it in the car and taking it to the local thrift store, I decided that it is not a battle worth fighting. He did get rid of a few things, and while it is not as much as I had hoped and prayed for, I was grateful he tried. What has been nice, is that as our daughter has gotten older and is a bit of a tomboy, she and her dad will watch "Star Wars" or "Transformers" together, and he will pull out the toys and they will play with them. She loves it, it's great to see the toys getting used again, and the two are bonding.

I know it's annoying, but maybe the stuff will come in handy some day. It has for us.

 

[charabby]

That is what I feel like doing. Actually, I feel like crying. I mean, I want him to be able to keep some of his things, but if we are to build a life together, that means both of us giving things up in order to get things that are "ours". I think he will come around, but I have to find a gentle way of addressing it.

I stepped away from the computer for a bit for the but perhaps you just need to discuss your expectations further. From what you have posted, you are assuming that you are supposed to give up some of your stuff to make room for 'our stuff' - you are doing it out of love to a certain extent. Soon to be DH doesn't seem to see it that way though. So it sounds like you are interpreting him holding onto things as not fully wanting to become a WE instead of a YOU and ME. I hope I'm making sense.

Anyway, I suggest you talk with him about it more directly and commit to being open to really hearing each other on this. He may leave the conversation seeing your point of view and be ready to give more things up and he may not. You may leave the conversation understanding that he's not choosing stuff over you and that is OK to keep more of your things than you originally thought. Hopefully, you'll understand your POVs better, b/c I promise you there is no hidden meaning in him keeping the stuff. IME, men's mind just don't work that way. He simply likes his stuff, that's all.

Chances are, he will get rid of more things on his own as time goes on. For instance, DH had a collection of Playboy mags when we met and were first married. He wasn't willing to part with them, but did ultimately agree not to have them on a shelf in the living room A few years later, he just threw them out w/o me ever saying a word.

Seriously, just talk to him and you will both feel better.