Am I being selfish and irresponsible?

[disneybound2010]

I really need some advice on this because right now my nerves are absolutely shot. I don't see where I am in the wrong or being irresponsible here,but maybe I am not seeing this clearly at all.

Here's the backstory. In 2004,my Dmom was terminally ill. DH and I both decided on me quitting my job and school to care for her. Two weeks before her passing, I found out I was pregnant. DH and I made the decision that I would be a SAHM. It has been tight financially,but we have managed to work through it and we are starting to see those bills getting smaller and smaller.

Now here is the problem. In the six years DH and I have been together,we have gone on one 2 day camping trip and an overnite stay at a family's lakehouse. That is it. We didn't have a honeymoon and DS(almost 3) has yet to really have any adventures outside of the local park!

In August, DH and I talked about taking a big family vacation to WDW. We also want to take his Dmom and my Ddad. They have both helped us tremendously and we want them to share in this. I figured out that after ALL BILLS and necessities were covered, we would still have money to stash away for this trip(which isn't even until 2010!) I have been cutting coupns,saving change, researching everything money for the trip. With our tax refund,I took some of it, but most went towards things that we NEEDED and I felt very good about how we allocated the money. We did decide that next year's Tax return would go to this vacation.

Suddenly,DH has decided that this trip is an absolute waste of money, we should not be spending ANYTHING on a trip like this and that we can consider a vacation in oh,10 years! He then basically said I am irresponsible and selfish for thinking of doing this because any money HE makes should only go towards bills. I have told him before that I would get a job,part time or full time, to help with the bills and anythign extra and he says no, he wants me home with DS. I am doing a great job here and shouldn't feel like I am not contributing. Ok, thats great then don't throw it in my face that you are bringing in all the money.

I can understand wanting to get these bills down even more and it would be one thing if I was neglecting them all and putting all of his money into a trip,but I'm not. I pay close attention to all of it and if I can't put any away I don't. I do believe,tho, that a vacation is in need big time. If we can save for it(for two years!), what is the big problem here? I can't see working and working and NEVER getting a chance to enjoy. Both his family and mine never really took any trips or did anythign as a family growing up. It was always"we will one day." I don't want that for my DS and I know DH doesn't either. So WHY the sudden change in his attitude towards this????

 

[nessz79]

Certainly not being selfish.

Maybe talk to some of the relatives that are going on this vacation and see if anyone can help you convince him?

Or maybe lay out all the numbers in front of him so he can see that there's enough money and then coupling that with how much this means to you.

I'm really sorry. Sounds like he's stressed over money, but I don't know why he wouldn't let you work part-time. Maybe a part-time job out of the home?

 

[mom2meiko]

ugh! i'm not a sahm (we can't afford it or i would be) but it seems that most of my friends and family who are have that constant "my money" argument with their dh's. if it's a joint decision to have a sahm, it should be understood that you are both doing something important and contributing - albeit in 2 different ways - but nobody should be made to feel inferior.

i have to wonder if the current economic situation is giving your dh some 2nd thoughts on spending on a big trip. that seems to be a common occurrence these days - and understandably so. if the family is totally dependent upon his income - and he is in fear of losing it - that could be why he is reacting the way he is so out of the blue. it has to be scary to be the sole provider and be in fear of your job security. i would try talking to him about it when you are both calm and happy - maybe during the weekend rather than when he has been working all day, etc. find out what has him so concerned and why he doesn't think the trip is a priority for your family? see what you guys can work out and really take the time to explain to him your plans and actions so far to set money aside for the trip.

i don't think you are being selfish - but i do think he is holding back some information or feelings from you. i know it's typical of most men (no offense to the guys out there!) but in my opinion - you need total disclosure and honesty to have a healthy relationship. good luck!!!

 

[GoofyFairie]

I don't think you are being selfish. I'd show him the numbers for cost, show him what you have saved and how you project to pay for it. Also, maybe you could also work out a projected plan as tohow to pay off your debt that he seems to be worried about. Is it possible that something has come up at work that he hasn't told you about that has him upset? For him to suddenly feel this way seems a bit odd to me. I have been scrimping and saving for the past year also and hoping to get there in 2010. No matter how worried you are about bills you definately need a family vacation. Everyone needs time to relax and get away from all the stress. Don't give up yet. Give him time to calm down and talk to him again.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Sounds like you can use .

I do not see you are being irresponsible or selfish at all! You (and DH) are not neglecting current bills responsibilities, in fact your are trying to get ahead...very responsible. I can see how your DH may want to be more financially secure (especially in these economic times) before a big vacation. But it is wrong for him to see the $$ as HIS to be used only as HE sees fit...especially after you have said you would go back to work in order to help with paying off the bills (IMO, SAHM is the BEST job ever ). Children are only children once...make the memories while you can (some persons don't get that if that is not how they were raised).
Maybe you and DH could compromise to put off the trip until 2011 ( I know such a long way away), but still keep saving. This would give you an extra year to save so maybe a little more $$ now could go to wiping out the dreaded bills. Agree to book on a certain date or when you have the full cost of the trip set aside in a seperate account in the bank as not to add to the credit card. You can also price some other trips (travel, hotel, attraction, food costs) to show DH how reasonable WDW really is...just remember to make the trips the same amount of time.
Good Luck! Here's some to help get DH is the WDW mood
Push comes to shove, give him your bill for being a SAHM...OK that is just a joke that many of my SAHM DFs use when "$$ attitude" becomes an issue. It usually puts the DH back in perspective that DW is not spend HIS $$, rather using it for the family.

 

[sk!mom]

I can understand wanting to get these bills down even more and it would be one thing if I was neglecting them all and putting all of his money into a trip,but I'm not.

While it certainly isn't selfish to want to take vacations, I wonder if your DH is simply stressed about carrying the full financial burden and about the bills that you mention. Are these bills large amounts?

Your DH may feel, and I would agree, that an expensive vacation is unwise while you have debt that needs to be paid. He may think that the extra that you're saving for vacation should go toward the bills. No one outside of the situation can really say who is correct in that situation. I would also lean toward paying the debt especially if it's significant. Dh and I, for instance, vacationed when we owed a mortgage and one car payment but we did not take expensive vacations when we had consumer debt. Our big vacations started once we were debt free except for the mortgage. Until that time our get aways were small and close to home.

Having said that, it seems that you and your DH are overdue in discussing what your financial goals are. Do you need to be completely debt free before you vacation or is some debt acceptable? You also need to have a long discussion about whether he is really comfortable carrying the full financial load. If he truly supports you at home, then he should of course refrain from negative comments. If on the other hand, he's stressed and knows that you want to be home but you guys need more income, then maybe he could see a vacation sooner if you contributed financially. Maybe a part-time job when he's home or babysitting for others so that you can be home. You could easily make enough for a vacation in two years just by watching one or two children during the day and your son would have playmates.

Good luck and really try to set some goals with your DH.

 

[disneybridetobe]

I really need some advice on this because right now my nerves are absolutely shot. I don't see where I am in the wrong or being irresponsible here,but maybe I am not seeing this clearly at all.

Here's the backstory. In 2004,my Dmom was terminally ill. DH and I both decided on me quitting my job and school to care for her. Two weeks before her passing, I found out I was pregnant. DH and I made the decision that I would be a SAHM. It has been tight financially,but we have managed to work through it and we are starting to see those bills getting smaller and smaller.

Now here is the problem. In the six years DH and I have been together,we have gone on one 2 day camping trip and an overnite stay at a family's lakehouse. That is it. We didn't have a honeymoon and DS(almost 3) has yet to really have any adventures outside of the local park!

In August, DH and I talked about taking a big family vacation to WDW. We also want to take his Dmom and my Ddad. They have both helped us tremendously and we want them to share in this. I figured out that after ALL BILLS and necessities were covered, we would still have money to stash away for this trip(which isn't even until 2010!) I have been cutting coupns,saving change, researching everything money for the trip. With our tax refund,I took some of it, but most went towards things that we NEEDED and I felt very good about how we allocated the money. We did decide that next year's Tax return would go to this vacation.

Suddenly,DH has decided that this trip is an absolute waste of money, we should not be spending ANYTHING on a trip like this and that we can consider a vacation in oh,10 years! He then basically said I am irresponsible and selfish for thinking of doing this because any money HE makes should only go towards bills. I have told him before that I would get a job,part time or full time, to help with the bills and anythign extra and he says no, he wants me home with DS. I am doing a great job here and shouldn't feel like I am not contributing. Ok, thats great then don't throw it in my face that you are bringing in all the money.

I can understand wanting to get these bills down even more and it would be one thing if I was neglecting them all and putting all of his money into a trip,but I'm not. I pay close attention to all of it and if I can't put any away I don't. I do believe,tho, that a vacation is in need big time. If we can save for it(for two years!), what is the big problem here? I can't see working and working and NEVER getting a chance to enjoy. Both his family and mine never really took any trips or did anythign as a family growing up. It was always"we will one day." I don't want that for my DS and I know DH doesn't either. So WHY the sudden change in his attitude towards this????

Can I kick him in the seat of his pants? Seriously?

I'm a SAHM too, and I know all about the couponing/sales/saving change... the whole 9 yards. You're not irresponsible or selfish! We need sanity. That's why we take vacations.

That makes me so mad when a woman stays home to take care of her family, and her husband treats their finances as "HIS" money. You work hard to take care of your family. It's the hardest job you'll ever love, and that's the truth. That IS your job, and a noble one at that.

I don't know exactly why he had a sudden change in attitude. It's probably because of the media and the economy... but you only live once, your DS is only little once, and dangit, the world isn't going to fall apart if you go on vacation.

 

[ashlansmom]

Ugh. I know where you are at.... . I am a SAHM, which we both agreed on, and the big argument is always about money. My husband is very responsible with money, which I am thankful for, but sometimes it's like- seriously? We are fortunate to have money in the bank and it's still a HUGE argument every year to do any type of vacation. He's just tight! I go through the same thing every time " I don't go shopping for myself, I don't own nice jewelry, we don't drive expensive cars or live in a huge home.... we have always lived by our means, and this is so we CAN do things like take vacation once a year... so why is it always such a fight?"

I have to tell you that I know how it feels to talk to them and whether they come out and say it or not, it comes across like it's "their" money and it gets spent how they decide. The hardest part of staying home for me has been giving up the daily social scene at work (adult conversation!) and not having my own paycheck, therefore not feeling that I have some say in how money is spent. It now feels like he is the one who gets to make those decisions. I'm a very independent girl, so I don't like not being able to be in charge of at least SOME decisions! Or at least have someone hear me out and compromise with me!

I would say that if you have this planned out as carefully as you say, then you should stand your ground, tell him that in x number of years you guys have not been on a nice trip, and that it is time to do it. Assure him that you will keep to the budget and that you do have it all planned to the penny, and that the money can be saved by then.

Maybe he's just having a bad week, and he'll come around. The economy is definitely scaring my husband who actually has a stable job in healthcare, so I'm sure for those who aren't in a stable trade.... it's even scarier. Hold your ground! You deserve to have a say in this too, and you deserve a break, as does your DH! Good luck!

 

[michael's mom]

I agree with the other posters that you are not being selfish or irresponsible. I also agree that you should sit down with him on a non-work day and see if there are things going on at work that has caused this sudden change.

But, you need to remind him that it is not "his" money just because his name is on the paycheck. Remind him how much money daycare would cost for your child if you were to go to work. For many, it equals to almost the amount of a weekly paycheck for one parent. I am not a SAHM, but I wish I could be. Actually, right now, my salary is larger than DH's (although, still not large at all) because he fell victim to the economy and lost his job. He has a new one, but making $10k less/year OUCH!

The only part of your post that bothered me was your DH saying that "HIS" money should be used to pay bills, but then won't let you get a job. You are partners and you being a SAHM is a very admirable position. I think you should talk to him, not only to find out if there are problems at work that he should be sharing with you because you're partners and he shouldn't bear the burden of fear alone, but also to explain how you are budgeting for this trip as well as how you feel about him saying it's HIS money.

You could consider staying at a value over a mod or deluxe to save some money, you could offer to go in an off-season (especially where your DS isn't in school yet). Another option is to see if renting DVC points would be cheaper to house the inlaws and you (if you planned on paying for them too, which is what I got from your post).

 

[2manyprincesses]

My vote is not selfish and irresponsible!

Maybe he had a rough day at work and with the economy and everything, just kind of freaked out?

IF it were me, I would not say anything for a few days and let him settle down. And then try and talk about it. I definitely think you both need to talk about it, but maybe today is not the best day to get the outcome you want, kwim? Lay out the budget and plans and all, but also thet him know that there is plenty of time to cancel if an emergency comes up in the next year. Maybe that will help ease his mind about the whole thing and he won't freak out!


SAHM here too and honestly, I think DH's don't get it. We set a budget and DH gave me $300 per month for any household expenses and $100 per week for food. (That is over the bills being paid) Seriously? For 4 kids clothes, house & car repairs, bday parties and gifts, any eating out, everything. Ugh!

OP, hang in there and I think he will come around if you don't push him too hard. You know how men can be!

But as far as that HIS $$ comment, um.....yeah, that conversation would not go well.

 

[disneybound2010]

Thank you all for all of the advice. I don't for an instant think that there really is a wrong or right to this,but at the same time I don't feel that I am being irresponsible either.

To answer a few questions some have had, the biggest bills we have are hospital bills, which are largely mine. I will own that. I had(have) some health problems that are mostly under control now and these bills are beeing widdled down. DH has some bills that he accrued LOOOOONG before we were ever an item. He has been working to pay those down and actually he has done pretty great at that. I even pointed out that his credit rating is definitely improving!

Until everyting happened with DMom, I was working and going to school. I have had a job since I was 15 and have been very careful with money. Being a SAHM is the best thing in the world,BUT I do miss seeing a paycheck with my name on it. I have always been so independent and never once thought I would have to account for anything spent. When DH and I bring up me going back to work,he points out that by the time I covered daycare(it would come out of my check) gas and wear and tear on vehicles, I really wouldn't be making anything. I see his point,but I do think that even a little extra would help.

As far as the trip goes, I have sat for hours comparing different routes(value all the way) to go as far as saving money and I think I have come up with a pretty good plan. While I would LIKE to go without having to think for a minute about budgeting, that doesn't happen for most people and I have come up with an idea as to how much can be spent on souvenirs and the like and I feel it is a pretty resonable amount without breaking our bank.

 

[5stljayhawks]

There are many resources, look at various spreadsheets to help explain and illustrate cost for the trip. Depending on who is managing the $, many folks set-up a savings account to put money away on a monthly basis.

One of the biggest cost savers is staying off site at a rental house. I was once a sahd, although you are not bringing in money, you are saving daycare cost and other cost, possibly eating out….

Re-approach the topic with a plan, he may just need to see the financial aspect to understand it is feasible and affordable. Have a plan and approach him when he normally is in the best mood. It never hurts to watch a few Disney movies and get to the local Disney store as a primer.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am sorry but the biggest problem I have is not the trip at all. My problem is that it is "HIS" money since he works. That if you work then "YOU" have to pay for daycare etc. Are you not a partnership? Even the hospital bills for your HEALTH are being touted as YOUR bills. Sorry but I think that you need to have a chat with your dh because if he is acting like this about a vacation that you can afford by saving then what next?
I don't think you are being selfish or irresponsible. I do however think there are issues that your dh has regarding money. Maybe he is just stressed out, or maybe he just wants to control things. Only you know that for sure.

Personally I think vacations are a neccessity, not a luxury.
Good luck!

 

[pktbMouse]

I apologise to all the men that post and read here first of all but he might just be going through a sort of "middle age crisis"...all men do although they flatley deny it..he might come out of it and change his mind...give him a bit of space..if that dosnt work..wait till hes sleeping and hit him with a rolling pin...IM JOKING ABOUT THAT LAST PART!! before I get flamed...just trying to cheer you up...big hug to you..I have been there with my hubby too.

 

[Tara922c]

I don't think you are being selfish, or irrespondsible. I can understand where you husband is coming from. I look at what all we spent on our upcoming vacation to Disney, and wonder if it would have been better spent else where. You are planning your trip almost two years in advance right? Here is my suggestion. Talk to your husband, and tell him that you want to continue to save up as much money as you can for Disney, and re-visit the idea next year. A whole lot can happen in a years time. During that year, try to keep the Disney talk to your husband minimal. Clip coupons, scrimp, and save, and do what you have to do. Maybe in that time he will come around. If he sees that yall were able to save up X amount of dollars, he may re-consider going. Also, explore different options to keep your trip inexpensive as possible. Getting a two bedroom condo can be the same price as a regular hotel room. Then you will have a kitchen, and be able to prepare all of your own meals saving hundreds. Look into driving instead of flying. Not only will you save money on plane tickets, but you will have a car while down there. We are driving 16 hours to Disney. The drive will suck, but we are saving over $1200, so it is well worth it. I hope everything works out for you in the end!

 

[nessz79]

There are many resources, look at various spreadsheets to help explain and illustrate cost for the trip. Depending on who is managing the $, many folks set-up a savings account to put money away on a monthly basis.

One of the biggest cost savers is staying off site at a rental house. I was once a sahd, although you are not bringing in money, you are saving daycare cost and other cost, possibly eating out….

Re-approach the topic with a plan, he may just need to see the financial aspect to understand it is feasible and affordable. Have a plan and approach him when he normally is in the best mood. It never hurts to watch a few Disney movies and get to the local Disney store as a primer.

I agree with this. Some men (and women, I'm sure) are just very practical and need to know that it will work.

 

[EthansMom]

All husbands and wives have disagreements about financial priorities.

I know my DH often feels stressed because he is the sole breadwinner in our family. Although his job is relatively secure and we don't have much debt, he worries about what would happen if he lost his job or if something happened to him (he's recently been going through some health issues).

Especially with the economy doing poorly and your outstanding debt, your DH is probably worried that the money would be better spent on making things more secure with your personal finances.

For short term spending, in our house, DH and I both get some money each month (we call it "personal spending" but "allowance" works just as well) that we can spend however we each wish. As a general rule, we get a similar amount to spend, though DH does get a higher proportion of his OT pay for his hobby spending (he brews his own craft beers).

Regarding yours and DH's current dilemma, if I were in your shoes, I would calmly tell DH that going on this trip is important to you and you would like to continue saving toward the trip. But if an emergency occurs or you otherwise REALLY need to use the money for something else before then, you understand that you'd need to pull that money out of savings and postpone the trip.

Also, consider if spending your money on taking ILs is really how they'd want you to spend your money. Personally, I know that if DH and I had a lot of debt, his and my family wouldn't want us to spend so much money on them. If you haven't mentioned the trip to them, then I'd rethink paying their way. If you have discussed it with them, then think about which expenses you're going to pay for (hotel, tix, but let them pay for meals & souvies?).

I'd also try to avoid talking about trip planning to DH. It's obvious that it's a touchy subject with him and causing him some stress. That doesn't mean that you need to quit planning... just keep the planning low-key and invisible to your DH.

Good Luck!

 

[teachallday]

I might have a slightly different perspective on this being a guy.

I know in my past, there came a point where the amount of debt I had started to really get on my nerves. I didn't go all out eating just rice and beans to get rid of it, but it was the focus. It took years for me to find a balance between spending and debt reduction. I have wanted to take my little princess to Disney for 5 years, but would not consider the trip till I was out of debt. And although some may disagree with me, I wanted her to have a developmental level of at least 5 years old (she has developmental delays) to get the most out of the disney little kid magic. Now I have broken that end of my thoughts since she is 7 but not yet at a developmental level of a 5 year old, yet I am still planning a trip. I did however hold off on planning a trip till I was out of debt.

I currently have no credit card debt (that isn't payed off each month), the car is paid for, and I have 6 months expenses in a saving account as an emergency fund. Until I had all of that, I didn't want to spend a ton of money on a vacation (and my trip to Disney is costing me a ton of money). I just coun't justify spending that much money and still having credit card debt. The mistake I have made however, is that I started planning this trip as soon as I had all of those items in place. Now I am feeling like I should have saved up the money before I started to plan the trip, but I am still going, but feeling crunched financially to pay for it in the short amount of time I have between now and the trip.

I do agree with you that Vacations are important and by the sound of it you both need one. If you still have debt, however, do you REALLY need a vacation to Disney. Disney is expensive. Maybe you do small vacations for a few years and when the debt is payed off, then go to Disney. Another thing that may be concerning your husband is who you are paying for on this trip. Taking everyone is nice, but if your finances are that tight, do you really need to be taking and paying for your child's grandparents? Maybe that is nice to do in the future when you are more financially secure. Needing a vacation is one thing, but taking everyone with you is not usally a necessity.

Just a few thoughts from a guy.

 

[powellrj]

This is a scary time. Every day we keep hearing how bad the economy is. If your DH is also hearing at work how tough things are he maybe getting scared about the future.

While I don't think you are being selfish and irresponsible, if your DH was on board and now has changed his mind, I would find out if there is more going on than you know about.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

First off, no you aren't being selfish, but as for his "change in attitude", really, the only person who can answer this for you is him.

I too am a SAHM, I have not worked since DH and I married almost 16 years ago. The money in our home is OUR money, all of it. Never once, not one single time has he ever refered to our money as his. (I guess I feel the need to stick up for the guys who don't.) I am sorry if you are not feeling validated at home. I sometimes feel that way too and it stinks, for me I rarely have felt that way because of my DH though, more so I feel like my kids are the ones who take me for granted.

I do think we all deserve time away, it is what rejuvinates us and we come back feeling more positive and ready to go on. I would talk to him and tell him what this means to you and I bet he will come around.

Good Luck...