Am I being fair? (long)

[Lufasponge]

For over 6yrs DH is self employed and working PT, his own hours, making very little financially. He does help, minimally, with housework. He helps a great deal with the kids. I manage the funds. He doesn't cook at all. We have a housekeeper because we have 2 children, under age 6, and I just don't want to clean all the time on top of working full time, days. The housekeeper is MY only luxury. I have no cell phone, we have no cable tv, etc...you get it. I am the breadwinner and carry the family insurance. We are pretty fortunate, neither of us are big spenders and we don't have many bills. I often pay for his business credit card, because he can't cover the expenses. The only other bills we have are house payment (under 500), utilities and groceries. I am very frugal and can make a penny out of a dime. I save very well too. Only been in our home 7.5yrs and only owe 20k. Get it?

Before you say maybe he should stay home with the kids, refer back to the part where he doesn't cook and he helps minimally with cleaning. Also, his cleaning is not my idea of cleaning.

Daycare for after school for one, we pay. The other child is in daycare all day.

He is very unorganized and being self employed was never a good idea, after being laid off from work 7yrs ago, but it was the best option at the time. He's made a go of it and I have been supportive, until the last 2 yrs. Over the last year, his self employment has decreased due to "competition" in the business which makes it more frustrating. He has no benefits (health, 401k, life insurance, paid holidays, etc).

Tax time is very stressful and about 3yrs ago almost ended the marriage. It was the one time he lied to me. Put down more expenses for the business to hide the fact he did not pay quarterlies. He slept in the garage that night. It was cold out. He could have gone to a friends, but didn't. He throws away receipts or just loses them.

The working situation is a sore spot for me. It is the only thing wrong in our relationship. He's a faithful husband and wonderful father. I love him. I don't feel I can or should carry the burden any longer though, financially. The situatin is not good for him either. He feels inadequate. He knows he needs to step up.

We have had many arguments over the years about this situation. I have made many threats about leaving if he didn't get a job outside the home for at least 10/hr. I have told him to finish his degree at night or online.

We've been to WDW 2 times this year and don't "want" for much. We both do want a new home, but I am unwilling to buy anything because of the current situation. Both vehicles are 5yrs or less old and we owe nothing on them.

To make a long story short, in October I told him by 2/28 if he didn't have a full time employment, it was over.

BTW, I am not a troll.

Am I being fair? I am not believing love conquers all, anymore.

 

[disneydragon]

Yes, you are being fair.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Wow, you have it tough. I don't believe in giving ultimatums unless you plan on carrying them out -- nothing loses credibility faster than not following through on your word.

Are you planning on leaving if he doesn't get a job? Does it look like he is actively looking for a job?

He needs to be a husband - a partner - in your relationship, but you can't do it for him. You can't make him be responsible. He has to do that for himself and for his family.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope someone else can give you some good advice or perspective.

 

[antbritt]

Just my 2 cents. First of all I belive you have been more then fair. Second I agree with Mry Jo , that you should only give ultimatums if you are willing to carry them out.
Also I think your husband is very lucky to have you for a wife.
Also I know its none of my business but why would YOU be the one to leave! As You pay for everything I think if you split it would be him leaving no?

Good Luck

Mary

 

[Lufasponge]

I know with the ultimatum I need to carry through. I am prepared to do it, though it won't be easy. Right now, financially, I am doing it alone. The kids will suffer, but I don't want them being brought up to think their father working part time and their mother working full time is how a family should operate. If we split, it won't be ugly. We'd sell the house and split profit(even though I have paid most all of it) and the law here is 50/50 so I'd have to split savings and 401k. Bummer, but money can be replaced. I have worked hard, but it's the position I am in.

Clarification, I would make him leave.

 

[phillybeth]

The kids will suffer, but I don't want them being brought up to think their father working part time and their mother working full time is how a family should operate.

What you do with your marriage is your business, but I don't understand this attitude. What difference does it make to your children WHO works and WHO doesn't? HOw is this any different for a part-time mom and a full-time dad? Families 'operate' all sorts of ways- the traditional 'dad full time and SAHM' has not been the norm since the 70's at least.

 

[Lufasponge]

What difference does it make to your children WHO works and WHO doesn't? HOw is this any different for a part-time mom and a full-time dad? Families 'operate' all sorts of ways- the traditional 'dad full time and SAHM' has not been the norm since the 70's at least.

The difference that it makes is that in those other families you speak of the SAH person usually cleans and cooks. It isn't working for me. It's causing resent. I want to be home part time and all the pressure is on me. I can't quit because my children will have NO insurance.

 

[disykat]

You've been unhappy for a long time and your discontent is bound to be seen by your children. I think you are doing the right thing - since your circumstances haven't changed. I think your dh is depressed and needs help - maybe this will be the kick in the rear he needs.

 

[EdiePA]

Having been through a divorce, my only piece of advice would be to be sure that you have fought as hard for your marriage as you possibly can. The grass is not greener on the other side. In fact, I'm probably working harder now than I ever have.

I'd suggest a try of counseling. If your H won't go, then go alone.

In any case, this isn't going to be an easy road. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs,
Edie

 

[Ranatra]

I think your dh is depressed and needs help - maybe this will be the kick in the rear he needs.

If this is true and your DH is truly depressed, he needs love and support. (yes, I've been there)

I think the best thing you two can do is seek counseling.
I would do everything I could possibly do to try and save this marriage, especially since there are children involved.

I really hope things work out for your family.

 

[Lufasponge]

If this is true and your DH is truly depressed, he needs love and support. (yes, I've been there)

I think the best thing you two can do is seek counseling.
I would do everything I could possibly do to try and save this marriage, especially since there are children involved.

I really hope things work out for your family.

Thank you! I do too, really.

I know the grass isn't always greener, that is why it has taken me so long. I know it's not going to be easy. I just don't know what else to do. This is serious. You know what they say, XXXX or get off the pot.

I think he has some issues. I have suggested counseling before. Unless I do anything, he won't. I make all the vacation plans. I make all the decisions. Not because I want to, he just won't. I want shared responsibilities. He doesn't think we need counseling and I think the only thing it would solve now is that the counselor saying that I am right. Do we need that? No, he knows it and admits it.

EXAMLE: I asked him where he wanted to eat in WDW the last trip, he said I don't care. You always pick good places, so just pick them.

He is not so sure the problems are all job related with "us". They ARE. I told him once he gets something, if he doesn't think it's working well, we'll go to counseling. I am fine with counseling.

I just don't want to end up disliking him and that's where it's headed if things don't change. We rarely ever argue and when we do, it's the same old song and dance. It's gotta change. If we split, it won't be ugly. It will be sad.

 

[Teejay32]

I'm wondering what his argument is in this. He doesn't want to give up his business?

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

I think you should really examine what is in the best interests of your kids. Most often, staying together is in the best interest of the kids. Perhaps in your long term best interests as well. Don't be so blind-sided by the present that you cannot see the future.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You sound very jealous, resentful and hurt by your spouse. He is right that it is more than him getting a job. You two have ALOT of issues to work through.
You both need to seek counseling together otherwise it will not work.

In your situation I would make a 100% go of it and go together for counseling. Make a "save your marriage plan", focus on expectations on BOTH sides. In a matter of speaking be on the "same page". If he won't do that THEN I would kick him out.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Not sure I would have held on as long as you have... my theory is... if I can manage with a dead beat, I can manage better WITHOUT the dead beat. And I am not calling your DH a dead beat, but when I was married, key word there, WAS... I saved MORE money and did better when we were separated, after FIVE times, yes, FIVE!!! I told him to just keep walkin.

 

[totalia]

For over 6yrs DH is self employed and working PT, his own hours, making very little financially. He does help, minimally, with housework. He helps a great deal with the kids. I manage the funds. He doesn't cook at all. We have a housekeeper because we have 2 children, under age 6, and I just don't want to clean all the time on top of working full time, days. The housekeeper is MY only luxury. I have no cell phone, we have no cable tv, etc...you get it. I am the breadwinner and carry the family insurance. We are pretty fortunate, neither of us are big spenders and we don't have many bills. I often pay for his business credit card, because he can't cover the expenses. The only other bills we have are house payment (under 500), utilities and groceries. I am very frugal and can make a penny out of a dime. I save very well too. Only been in our home 7.5yrs and only owe 20k. Get it?

Before you say maybe he should stay home with the kids, refer back to the part where he doesn't cook and he helps minimally with cleaning. Also, his cleaning is not my idea of cleaning.

Daycare for after school for one, we pay. The other child is in daycare all day.

He is very unorganized and being self employed was never a good idea, after being laid off from work 7yrs ago, but it was the best option at the time. He's made a go of it and I have been supportive, until the last 2 yrs. Over the last year, his self employment has decreased due to "competition" in the business which makes it more frustrating. He has no benefits (health, 401k, life insurance, paid holidays, etc).

Tax time is very stressful and about 3yrs ago almost ended the marriage. It was the one time he lied to me. Put down more expenses for the business to hide the fact he did not pay quarterlies. He slept in the garage that night. It was cold out. He could have gone to a friends, but didn't. He throws away receipts or just loses them.

The working situation is a sore spot for me. It is the only thing wrong in our relationship. He's a faithful husband and wonderful father. I love him. I don't feel I can or should carry the burden any longer though, financially. The situatin is not good for him either. He feels inadequate. He knows he needs to step up.

We have had many arguments over the years about this situation. I have made many threats about leaving if he didn't get a job outside the home for at least 10/hr. I have told him to finish his degree at night or online.

We've been to WDW 2 times this year and don't "want" for much. We both do want a new home, but I am unwilling to buy anything because of the current situation. Both vehicles are 5yrs or less old and we owe nothing on them.

To make a long story short, in October I told him by 2/28 if he didn't have a full time employment, it was over.

BTW, I am not a troll.

Am I being fair? I am not believing love conquers all, anymore.

Yes you are being fair.

 

[debloco]

I can hear your pain and frustration at this situation. I agree that the ultimatum should be made good on. Boundaries need to be enforced if they have been drawn. BUT, I would suggest that instead of the either/or kind of thinking: EITHER we stay together OR it's over, that you consider a temporary separation in conjunction with counseling (either individual or couple or BOTH). Make a plan for this. Figure out where he can stay, outline the terms (counseling for him is a non-negotitable and if he refuses to go it will result in moving toward the end of the marriage), set a time frame to reevaluate. It will give each of you some breathing room and mental space to think, calm down and sort through the issues. I also agree with the posters who stated that the grass isn't greener on the other side. It is most certainly not, and unless there is abuse in the relationship, it is never the "better" option for the children (and arguably not for the adults, either). If I can, I will help you find a counselor in your area. I do pastoral counseling and can do some networking for you.

Deb

 

[tiggersmom2]

If I can, I will help you find a counselor in your area. I do pastoral counseling and can do some networking for you.

Deb

That is such a sweet and selfless offer! One of my very good friends just had a situation similar to this. She is a pharmacutical sales rep and her husband cuts lawns. Well, she got pissed b/c he wasn't bringing home the money and she was doing everything.....they divorced 3 months ago and now she is so sorry. He might not have been a good business man but he was a great father and husband. She wants him back but he won't have her........she is beyond heartbroken and they have two kids...4 and 9 years old.

 

[Lufasponge]

BUT, I would suggest that instead of the either/or kind of thinking: EITHER we stay together OR it's over, that you consider a temporary separation in conjunction with counseling (either individual or couple or BOTH). Make a plan for this. Figure out where he can stay, outline the terms (counseling for him is a non-negotitable and if he refuses to go it will result in moving toward the end of the marriage), set a time frame to reevaluate. It will give each of you some breathing room and mental space to think, calm down and sort through the issues.

I thought the other, at least 5, times we had the arguments about the situation which left me in complete tears and breakdown mode would have been the time he would have done something. Those have been the cooling off periods. It isn't tense around here between us. It's like normal, because he doesn't think anything is going to come of it. Is he looking for something, half ***ed way...yes. Like a man who wants to save his relationship and family, no.

Curious to know tiggersmom2 if this woman got pissed one day or was it for years this was going on? Also, had she spoken to him at all about it? I have and as I said before it's been going on for 3 plus yrs.

BTW, for the person who said I am jealous and resentful....yep. I am. He knows it. He knows that's part of the big problem. The root cause of the problem, though, is him not having a full time job or being willing to do whatever he can to support his family. Getting a job would alleviate the other issues.

We are friends, we can talk, do things together, it's nice. He's a good father.

I can either suck it up and continue on and be unhappy and possibly grow to hate the man, which my kids will see OR follow through with the ultimatum. If he gets a job, I know things will be ok. If he doesn't, isn't it better to part ways now while we are on good terms?

I am not against counseling, but I think he needs it. I will go, right now he doesn't think we need to go.

I didn't chose to be in this position, he was working full time when we got married. He is self employed and doesn't own a business and as I said before, he says he knows he needs to get something else. He has said this for 3 plus years. He doesn't do anything about it because I can manage everything quite well as is.

 

[shortbun]

A good counselor will see you together then probably suggest seeing you apart. This might get the ball rolling. I agree that it sounds like he's depressed, trapped and doesn't have the emotional energy to make a move. Since you are doing everything anyway, why not do this one more thing and make the appointments with the counselors? Sounds like your relationship could be salvaged if your husband gets his
depression fixed and starts contributing more. You might have to kickstart this process! Insist on it. Tell him it's couples counseling. It will evolve.