Am I being fair? (long)

[Aimeedyan]

A good counselor will see you together then probably suggest seeing you apart. This might get the ball rolling. I agree that it sounds like he's depressed, trapped and doesn't have the emotional energy to make a move. Since you are doing everything anyway, why not do this one more thing and make the appointments with the counselors? Sounds like your relationship could be salvaged if your husband gets his
depression fixed and starts contributing more. You might have to kickstart this process! Insist on it. Tell him it's couples counseling. It will evolve.

I agree. I think he doesn't see how serious you really are. I've been there, and it made setting a counseling appt and going together to get him to realize how serious I really was.

You have definite issues to deal with, no doubt about that, but nothing that can't be fixed, esp with the help of a 3rd party. I just can't imagine giving up someone that I love so much, and the father of my children, without doing everything possible. ANd i know you feel that you keep doing all of it, and he needs to step up and do it, but he sounds depressed and discouraged, and people stuck in that situation struggle so much with those kinds of decisions.

I wouldn't give up yet, but if you make that appt to go together and he chooses not to take that step with you, then I would take that as a decision on his part and move on.

*hugs* to you

 

[debloco]

I thought the other, at least 5, times we had the arguments about the situation which left me in complete tears and breakdown mode would have been the time he would have done something. Those have been the cooling off periods. It isn't tense around here between us. It's like normal, because he doesn't think anything is going to come of it. Is he looking for something, half ***ed way...yes. Like a man who wants to save his relationship and family, no.

Curious to know tiggersmom2 if this woman got pissed one day or was it for years this was going on? Also, had she spoken to him at all about it? I have and as I said before it's been going on for 3 plus yrs.

I can either suck it up and continue on and be unhappy and possibly grow to hate the man, which my kids will see OR follow through with the ultimatum. If he gets a job, I know things will be ok. If he doesn't, isn't it better to part ways now while we are on good terms?

I am not against counseling, but I think he needs it. I will go, right now he doesn't think we need to go.

He doesn't do anything about it because I can manage everything quite well as is.

5 times of breakdown mode is not ever going to be enough. Given what you said about things not being tense and being able to get along, it's clear that you two are able to sweep it aside/stuff it away/whatever to make the relationship work on a daily basis. That means he feels no real pressure to do anything different. He just has to "put up with" the few (5 so far) times you have had a breakdown. Sounds like a small price to pay to avoid real change to me. You are right in saying he is not a man looking to save his relationship and family. He doesn't really think it's in jeopardy, you have not pushed the issue yet. And just so you know, I went through this cycle with my DH husband for more than a decade before push came to shove.
It's clear from your third paragraph that you are still in either/or thinking which I find very troubling. Your choices are NOT just 1. suck it up, etc. or 2. part ways. And even if your husband does get a FT job, I suspect that there are still issues that will need to be worked through. A job is not the total solution to what is going on between the two of you. You said you are willing to go to counseling yourself. By all means, GO. I have counseled many, many people over the years that it only takes ONE person in a relationship to change the dynamic and start moving things in a different direction. Please for the sake of yourself, your husband and your children-be willing to do the (very) hard work it will take to put your relationship back on solid ground. And you are right about your last statement. He won't do anything about it. You CAN manage everything quite well as it is. I am certain that you can manage to handle this quite well without resorting to abandoning the relationship, despite the sadness and pain you feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please PM me if you need anything.
Deb

 

[Lufasponge]

I am calling for counseling Monday. I am willing to try. I make his Dr appts, dental appts and everything else and he does go. I will make this appt too.

I wanted to go for counseling before, just didn't think I needed it and thought the counselor would tell me the same thing I am telling him.

Maybe him hearing it from a 3rd party will help. Even though he *knows* he needs a job, maybe they will put him on something too.

I am not ready to give up, but am just sick of the situation.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I am calling for counseling Monday. I am willing to try. I make his Dr appts, dental appts and everything else and he does go. I will make this appt too.

I wanted to go for counseling before, just didn't think I needed it and thought the counselor would tell me the same thing I am telling him.

Maybe him hearing it from a 3rd party will help. Even though he *knows* he needs a job, maybe they will put him on something too.

I am not ready to give up, but am just sick of the situation.

=) I'm glad.

Whether you think you need it or not, you do =) I thought we would go and our counselor would set him straight and agree with me - wrong. I had many many things I needed to change, too. She never made it all about one of us, but us both. I think you'll learn things there as well, and it was FUN for us to go, really.

Good luck to you!

 

[jrydberg]

I would say it is definitely unfair to give an ultimatum like that on finding a job given that your financial situation is far from desperate. Give all the ultimatums you want on making him look for a job, interview, send out resumes, finish up degrees, etc. But when you force someone to get a job within a relatively short time frame, more often than not, the job they get will be less than satisfactory and lead to more problems, IMO.

That said, I don't think it's unfair at all to expect him to give up being self-employed and start seriously looking for other jobs. I just think the ultimatum itself is not a good approach.

Best of luck with it.

 

[Lewski709]

jrydberg...sounds like the OP gave her DH many years to find something else, is that not enough time?

OP, I think you are being fair and hope the counseling you said you will call for will help.

 

[disykat]

You also need to go to counseling - even if he won't go it can be helpful. Books like "Divorce Busting" are good too. I know that many of us have suggested these options to you before and that your feelings about him have remained unchanged. I am the type of person who would normally say divorce was not an option - but I know if your attitude at home is as frustrated as your vents on this board (and I know it may not be) that the kids are probably picking up on it - and changes need to be made, one way or the other!

 

[swilphil]

I am calling for counseling Monday. I am willing to try. I make his Dr appts, dental appts and everything else and he does go. I will make this appt too.

I wanted to go for counseling before, just didn't think I needed it and thought the counselor would tell me the same thing I am telling him.

Maybe him hearing it from a 3rd party will help. Even though he *knows* he needs a job, maybe they will put him on something too.

I am not ready to give up, but am just sick of the situation.

I'm glad you are calling for counseling. That is the right step at this point, even if you eventually end up splitting up. It does sound like he is definitely depressed. Hopefully, you can reach some sort of compromise where he can keep his current business and add some other kind of work with it, or perhaps he can get additional training for a new career. My husband was unemployed about six months after our first child was born, and he was depressed (though he did do some cleaning. I constantly tried to get him to go for some kind of career counseling to figure out what he wanted to do. He ended up eventually going back to a previous employer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you want to save your marriage go to counseling together. There is no other option. It is clear that you two are unable to communicate and support each other. That WILL take a 3rd party.

Good Luck!

 

[jrydberg]

Lewski709, doesn't sound like that at all to me. Sounds like the OP wanted her DH to do something about it but didn't force the issue. Hard to say without being there, but it sounds rather passive/aggressive to me (forgive me if I'm off base).

My point is that forcing him to get a job within a relatively short time period is unlikely to resolve anything and is likely to lead to further problems in the relationship.

By all means let him know that he's got to seriously look for a job and hold him to it. Don't just acknowledge he's got to look for a job. Follow up. Make sure he's sending out resumes, applying for jobs, etc.

But I think it's a huge mistake to place artificial deadlines on something like that when money is not a big concern.

 

[Lufasponge]

There have been many arguments over the last 3yrs and about 5 big breakdowns on my part. It's been an ongoing issue and he's had plenty of time to find something else. Don't you think 3yrs is time enough to get something? It hasn't worked so I put my foot down and gave him 5 months.

As I said before, I will call for counseling and go myself if he won't. I knew I'd be going anyhow if we split.

I have gone as far before as looking for the jobs for him and sending in resumes. The point is I am tired of it and I can't do it for him. He has to do it. I even had a job handed to him TWICE, which he turned both positions down because it was factory work. It was through a sister company where I work. He said if he thought I was miserable now, wait until he was working at that factory and he was coming home miserable. He won't work in a factory, even though he has never worked in a factory. He won't work second shift, because then he'd have to quit bowling.

The deadline isn't artificial this time!

It isn't about the money at all. Never was other than the fact I don't think making 6/hr is sufficient.

I'd like to be the one to work part time, if given the choice. In fact, with the amount of bills we have.....right now I could do that but then my family would have NO insurance. I won't put us in that position because I am responsible.

 

[jrydberg]

Lufasponge, I apologize. I didn't see in the original post where you said you told him this in October. I was thinking you just told him now to get a job by February. 5 months isn't unreasonable. Sorry for misunderstanding.

 

[eeyore45]

Well the first thing that came to my mind was Dear Abby's saying... "Are you better off with or with out him" and only you can answer that, and it sounds like that's exactly what you've been doing...

then I read something else... and I wonder... has he been to a doctor for a medical checkup? Can you talk to him without sounding judgemental in this instance? It could be possible being out of work, and with that major IRS mistake, he sounds like he is clinically depressed and is trying to hide it, I can imagine he has low self esteem... not that I know but if I cared about him enough to marry him, I would try and get him to a doctor that would help him understand depression. and then try and get him into career counseling, which is a major hurdle for anyone in their 40's and above.

best luck

 

[Annie68]

I have a friend in a similar situation, although she is to blame in her case. She has been a "career" college student for the past 11 yrs., getting her Bachelor's degree, Master's, Nurse Practitioner and most recently graduating the Nurse Anesthesia program (CRNA) in 2004. All of this, with full time weekend shifts at the hospital!
Needless to say, her DH became the stay at home caregiver to their 3 children. Before they were married, he painted commercial buildings. He hasn't worked since their 1st child was born 10 yrs. ago. Now that she has finally obtained a high paying job, she is able to be home more. She wants him to get back out in the workforce, his opinion is why bother. Her new job pays a 6 figure salary and he feels he has earned the right to stay home. It is awkward to be around them. They asked us to come out to see their new home model, and ended up getting into a fight in front of us about what "extras" they are having added on. My friend actually said "I'm paying the bills, so you have no power to change anything". YIKES! My DH felt terrible for her husband, he said he would never want to be in that position. I don't know what to say to help them, although I think her DH has to realize if he doesn't get a job he may lose her.

The only advice I gave her, and would give you, is to seek counseling before deciding on anything. I wish you all the best, I hope things work out for you & your DH as well as my friend and hers.