Am I an uptight mother?

[ginna74]

well you are taking care of your daughter ... she isn't being neglected (you just do her hair the way you want) and it just isn't to her liking. SO WHAT. Let her know she needs to stop fixating your daughter's hair and focus on her family, ya care for her but she needs to stop. It isn't like you are neglectful and it sounds like she is trying to make you feel that way.

 

[Christine]

I'm becoming concerned with the influence dd is getting from dsil and her kids. DD had no interest in getting her nails done until her cousins started doing them for her on the weekends. I'm not saying that a little polish here and there is a BIG deal, but it seems to be leading to so much more. And as a pp mentioned, I don't want dd to think that her natural hair is not beautiful, because it really is! The whole, "so your hair isn't poofy anymore" really gets to me. She's 5. How do I approach dsil without being a witch (sp?), what would you say?

OP, you don't say which one of the parents is which race but this thread is reminding me of the latest Wanda Sykes show that is out on HBO now. She talks about bi-racial kids (black/white) and the only thing that *gets* her is when the white moms are so clueless on how to do the kids' hair and it's just a mess all over the place. It's really very funny and I'm having this image of your DSIL feeling like she needs to take some control!!

 

[mjkacmom]

It may be common these days for young teens to focus on their appearance but I don't think it is "normal" or healthy.!

It may not be "normal" in your world, but here in the real world of schools, there is nothing abnormal about teens wearing makeup, getting their nails done, and yes, even wearing heels (for special occassions, of course - these girls also like to be comfortable). Things might be different with the teens you know, but I wore makeup in middle school, as did most other middle schoolers. This is our reality.

 

[Disneyluvr]

You are not being uptight! My DD is also bi-racial and had beautiful curly hair. I say HAD because last summer (she was 12 and in Jr. High) she begged to get it straightened and I let her and now her hair is ruined! It is so dry and damaged and it doesn't grow. I say leave it alone until she is old enough to make the decision herself. Let her be a little girl with cute braids and such.

As for the make-up, nails and girly stuff. She is only 5 so you may change your mind as she gets older, but I applaud you for not wanting her to grow up to fast and get the wrong messages. My DD is now 13 and is only allowed to wear clear or light lip gloss and polish. She argues that all her friends wear make-up but we stand our ground and say NO! That will come in time. We do let her put it on and play in the house, but she must wash it off before she goes anywhere.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think starting too much of that primping thing at too early of an age is no good...and 5 is too early, frankly. Not to get a haircut mind you, but to start getting in to relaxing and make-up and such.

 

[punkin]

No actually dsil is white, and I heard about the movie you are refering to. It seems like a very interesting documentary.

It is interesting, but it is also very funny and entertaining. I recommend it highly.

 

[smkiya]

I have to say I was guilty of something similar but the kids were older. I had come to the area with my husband for the first time to live. I met my SIL who was (still is) a couch potato, didn't have a Drivers lisence and such. she depended on the whole family to take her around (she didn't have a job either). I think she was around 40 at the time. My husband and I kind of took the duty to be the taxi. ANYWAYS, I met her biracial children and they just had like five feet of hair and used the 99 cent shampoo. I asked her if she ever thought of getting a special type of shampoo and she said there wasn't any in our area. Well, I went to the nearest target I think and there it was!!! She didn't have a problem though with me getting it, I just think it was a problem of money really though. I did take her to get her hair done too and from then on it was managable and not just sticking up everywear. I think she was about 12 and her brother was about 14?? The mom never spent any time on their hair and my poor niece tryed to put ponytails in her hair and it just wasn't working out. I am not saying you are like that at all, just this was my situation. I am guilty too but I dont regret it at all. This was like 11 years ago and I haven't seen her hair like it was sense (am talking about the not brushed and such). Same thing went for my nephew too.

and No I don't think you are uptight, it isn't like you are not taking care of your daughter like the above.

I do a pretty good job with dd's hair. When I do it, it looks great (like a 5 year olds should). I never have difficulty managing it, and I always find cute new styles and I color coordinate the bows/hair bands to match her outfits, etc. However.... Dh does not know what to do. I've tried to show him, but he has no patience. In fact, if I didn't put out her clothes the night before I leave for work, she'd wear ankle high purple striped pants with an orange floral print top (happened this past spring). So I've started putting dd's hair in 2 french braids the night before work, and 'voila'.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No.

And on that relaxing--I asked MY hairstylist about it b/c I was tired of my hair and I was advised against it and I'm in my 30s. If hairstylists are talking clients out of it, I can't see how that would be good for a 5yo.


I do pluck my eyebrows, I consider it part of regular maintenance like shaving under my arms. Noone needs to tolerate a unibrow or crazy out of whack eyebrow hairs. You can shape them thin or think--women aren't necessarily trying to go ultra-skinny on the brow. It is a matter of preference just like a haircut.

Just wanted to toss that in there. But I don't think you are an uptight mom.

We have the right to raise our children as we see fit and if that involves being more or less lenient with beauty products, so be it.

We have a no make up rule and will for a while. The only exceptions are Halloween, dance recital and any other stage performance where they may get washed out by the lights.

I don't think anyone has the right to take a child to do anything that would permanently (or "temporarily-permanently") alter the appearance of a child without the permission of the parent.

If someone did that with my kid, there would be heck to pay.

 

[ginna74]

well like I said you are doing a good job, not neglecting, so she needs to back off. I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but it isn't your fault, and she put herself into the situation. And it sounds like you are doing a pretty good job with your daughter My hubby never liked to do my daughters hair either lol.

 

[dismom2]

Not to mention, if your dd had her hair relaxed, she'd have to go back every few weeks to get the roots relaxed again or else her hair would be curly by her head, and straight in the middle and on the ends. Not a good look. So, the upkeep alone would be very time consuming and costly. Relaxers are very harsh, too.

I would not pay to get my my dd's nails done for the same reason: upkeep! I'm talking about acrylic nails; you have to have them filled every 2-3 weeks. It's not a one time splurge or anything. And they can grow them out if they want long nails, until they are older.

I would find a happy medium as far as what to let your dd do with her looks. Let her do some things....

 

[Ciao Mickey]

You're right to think SIL was out of line when she wanted to straighten your DD hair without your approval.

But....

Not allowing your DD to do "girly" things like putting on fake nails, etc. because it doesn't fit your image of beauty is definitely asking for trouble. She's more apt to rebel and do these things anyway when you're not looking. I had a friend who was not allowed to wear makeup until she was 18 and out from under her mom's daily rule. Her mom told her that she was naturally beautiful and didn't ever need any improvement. She also wasn't allowed to wear jeans or pants and had to wear dresses to her ankles (her mom had aspirations to be Amish ). She had to wear her hair in a braided bun. She had very blotchy skin tone and other kids made fun of her skin and of her hair and clothing (kids can be CRUEL if you are different for reasons other than disability). Eventually she bought some makeup on the sly and then every day as soon as she would get to school and take the makeup out of the locker and put it on - then would restyle her hair to make it stylish. She could go from nothing to everything in 3 minutes flat. It would get washed off and the hair would go back up in the bun just before her mom was due to get home from work. If there is a will there is a way - and sometimes the influence of friends works stronger than the influence of moms. So while I don't think she needs to do the beauty routines at 5 but if she wants to try them at JRHS or HS level I would definitely let her. And wouldn't you rather she do these things in a way that's acceptable?

OMG--too funny and that brings back memories of jr. high school.

My girlfriend wasn't allowed to wear make-up to school. So every morning before school started we would meet at the corner and I would hold up a compact mirror so she could put on her black eye-liner. For years, she went to school with crooked eye-liner on. After school, she would have to remove the make-up before she got home. So I would have to hold up the mirror on the bus so she could take it all off again! LOL

Thanks for the memories.

OP-I agree with you about your daughter being way too young for any type of chemical process done to her hair. But I don't agree with you on the rest of the stuff. Little girls like to dress up (and this includes nail polish).

Tell your sil that you will take a raincheck and that you will be more than happy for her to foot all future beauty shop bills for your daughter when she gets older (especially for her Prom). See what she says to that.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Ok, so DD is 5. For her birthday my sil offered to pay for a visit to the hairdresser. I know it is because when dh goes to his mothers on the weekend while I'm at work, her hair is a mess. DD is biracial so her hair is thick and curly. I have no problems styling her hair, but dh does. When we got to the salon, her 6 year old cousin says, "You're going to get your hair straightened so it's not poofy anymore." In the back of my head, I'm thinking, oh no she's not! Dsil intended to have her hair relaxed with chemicals to make it straighter, without asking me. Initially she didn't even expect me to come, but she was running late and asked me to meet her. I was planning on going anyway, to supervise. The hairdresser said that she was too young to get her hair relaxed, but could probably have it done next summer. I plainly said, "I don't want her hair relaxed at all." DD enjoyed the wash, trim, and curl... she was very good and was very cute in the chair. I don't see anything wrong with getting her hair cut at the salon, but that's where I draw the line. Dsil says at the end, see her hair looks so healthy now that she's had it trimmed. The hairdresser has known dsil for 14 years and I felt very uncomfortable being there. You know that feeling you get when you know you're the butt of a joke.

Dsil also has 2 girls 12 and 14. They have been going to the salon regularly to get their nails done (with false nails), highlights, and eyebrows waxed. I'm very low maintenance, I've never had my eyebrows waxed & I don't get my nails done. I will never agree to let my daughter have her eyebrows waxed, and have fake nails put on (senior prom, maybe if she asks for the nails). To me, there is so much more I'd rather spend my money on and I don't see the point. If someone is judging me because my eyebrows are too thick for their liking, then I don't care to associate with them. That's what I'm trying to teach dd, and its getting more difficult now that she's getting older and is being influenced by dsil and her kids. I didn't even get into the clothes (black high heels, etc.) and makeup. The 12 year old has been wearing black eyeliner for a couple years now, and the 14 year old wears it all for several years. Is this what I should expect, or am I just uptight?

I'm the same as you. I don't spend hardly any money on my hair and zero (save for some fingernail polish once in a while) on my fingernails or eyebrows.

Keep showing and telling your daughter what is important. There's nothing wrong with an older girl (12 and up, I think) wearing a little makeup, and honestly I don't have a problem with a teen (14+) bleaching/coloring/straightening their hair, but such emphasis on appearance is wrong, imo.

Besides I absolutely love that big, curly hair that so many African/Euro Americans have. It's so beautiful!

 

[C.Ann]

How do I approach dsil without being a witch (sp?), what would you say?

Politely, but firmly, inform her that this is YOUR DD and as her mother, all decisions regarding her appearance and what she is or isn't allowed to do MUST go through you first..

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Perhaps you should suggest that her children focus on something other than cosmetically altering their appearance.

I know that many women (and some men ) believe that the NEED to goop that junk on their faces, pluck their eyebrows into skinny arched caterpillars, and glue talons to their fingers, but seriously, that is not appropriate for a child of five (or 12 or 14-sorry)!

Perhaps if we taught our children, particularly our girls to focus on things that really matter in this life, and not on appearance, we'd be doing them a long term favor.

You sound like a good Mom and I'd keep my child well away from that SIL person.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that if a PP was correct and that you and your SIL are indeed different races, then you should go very carefully, and get your DH involved, since it is his family, presumably?

IME, daddies are VERY touchy about their little girls growing up too fast, regardless of race. Let him talk to his sister and let her know that BOTH of you agree that you do not want your DD's hair chemically processed at this point in her life, and that when or if you ever change your minds on that, she'll be the first to know. Ditto on the manicures; that play nails may be fine for fun at home, but that she is not to go out of the house with them on her fingers.

Also, I'm with the other posters on the issue of hair and makeup when she is older and capable of managing it herself. Rein in the outrageous, and make it clear that it is fine to NOT follow the crowd, but let her experiment a bit; it really is normal for girls to want to do that. She may turn out to be a high-maintenance girl from personal preference, but you really don't want hair to be the hill you choose to die on.

My DD is only 2, but already she's a frillier type of person than I am. DH likes for her to wear more girly clothes, and she seems to be quite comfortable in them, but I don't tend to buy any of them because they are not to my taste. He buys her pink things when I'm not paying attention, and she loves them. What can I say -- I'm just going to have to get used to pink. (I do draw the line at ruffles that require ironing, though!)

 

[brockash]

Ok, so DD is 5. For her birthday my sil offered to pay for a visit to the hairdresser. I know it is because when dh goes to his mothers on the weekend while I'm at work, her hair is a mess. DD is biracial so her hair is thick and curly. I have no problems styling her hair, but dh does. When we got to the salon, her 6 year old cousin says, "You're going to get your hair straightened so it's not poofy anymore." In the back of my head, I'm thinking, oh no she's not! Dsil intended to have her hair relaxed with chemicals to make it straighter, without asking me. Initially she didn't even expect me to come, but she was running late and asked me to meet her. I was planning on going anyway, to supervise. The hairdresser said that she was too young to get her hair relaxed, but could probably have it done next summer. I plainly said, "I don't want her hair relaxed at all." DD enjoyed the wash, trim, and curl... she was very good and was very cute in the chair. I don't see anything wrong with getting her hair cut at the salon, but that's where I draw the line. Dsil says at the end, see her hair looks so healthy now that she's had it trimmed. The hairdresser has known dsil for 14 years and I felt very uncomfortable being there. You know that feeling you get when you know you're the butt of a joke.

Dsil also has 2 girls 12 and 14. They have been going to the salon regularly to get their nails done (with false nails), highlights, and eyebrows waxed. I'm very low maintenance, I've never had my eyebrows waxed & I don't get my nails done. I will never agree to let my daughter have her eyebrows waxed, and have fake nails put on (senior prom, maybe if she asks for the nails). To me, there is so much more I'd rather spend my money on and I don't see the point. If someone is judging me because my eyebrows are too thick for their liking, then I don't care to associate with them. That's what I'm trying to teach dd, and its getting more difficult now that she's getting older and is being influenced by dsil and her kids. I didn't even get into the clothes (black high heels, etc.) and makeup. The 12 year old has been wearing black eyeliner for a couple years now, and the 14 year old wears it all for several years. Is this what I should expect, or am I just uptight?

So, I'm someone who does get her nails done, and eyebrows waxed, and I can tell you there's no way I'd be letting my 12 year old, or evem 14 year old get those things done. To me, that's just too young. I think it's something (especially the waxing thing) that they need to decide on for themselves and at 12 and 14, I just don't think they're mature enough, nor do they need to be thinking about that kind of stuff at that age. I'd probably let my dd start getting her nails done, if she kept asking, around 15 or 16 for special occassions, but only if the dd was persistent. As far as your dsil, yes she sounds very rude and it does sound like she was totally making fun of you or the way you do or do not do your dd's hair. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm very glad you were there, so you could supervise, because dsil sounds like a nut.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Politely, but firmly, inform her that this is YOUR DD and as her mother, all decisions regarding her appearance and what she is or isn't allowed to do MUST go through you first..

I agree. Only I'd add, I'm not taking any suggestions at age 5 and laugh it off. If she persists, laugh and tell her you're not into it and at 5 neither is your DD. But she can have all the fun she wants with hers. More laughs. Keep it light.

 

[wdhinn89]

Well, I would be upset that she planned on having my dd's hair relaxed. Dd6 and 8 have fine, straight hair, and if my SIL took them in for a perm behind my back, I'd be livid.

However, I see nothing wrong with girls wanting their nails to look nice, have their eyebrows waxed (dd8 needs hers done, and I'll take her when she asks - I plucked my eyebrows in JH), and having their hair done. Just because these things don't interest you, they might interest your dd.

I'm sitting here in sweatpants, and no makeup. Dd13 wouldn't be caught dead looking like I do right now! She gets up 1 1/2 hours before school to primp (light makeup, flat iron, pick out the perfect outfit). From the looks of things, this is normal (I remember drying and curling my hair every day when I was in MS/HS).

All of my girls have been going to a salon to get their hair cut and blown out since they had hair. They've all been treated to mani/pedi's (we have tons of nail salons - $10). Now, if dd13 wanted a manicure on a regular basis, I'd have no problem with that, provided she used her own money (she'd have to give up her starbucks habit).

I agree with the above post completely.

Are you your own person now or do you have the same beliefs as your mom as far as personal appearance?

 

[Va-bear]

OP, Your SIL was out of line. At 5, your DD, should be allowed to be a little girl and not preoccupied with whether her hair/looks "fit in". It sounds like it was a good thing you were there!

TC

I agree.

And while I pretty much agree w/ you on girls not needing fake nails, eyebrows waxes, makeup, etc., you might not find too many that do. I do think basic haircuts and letting her style it the way she likes is fine (of course).

It's probably a good thing I didn't have girls! lol and good luck!

 

[JoiseyMom]

No, you are not uptight at all! You are the mom, you decide!! My mil used to take DD13 for her trims, DD has long hair. Mil always said she should cut it shorter...mil doesn't like long hair. So mil took it upon herself to trim DD11 hair and took WAY too much off. I was livid...dd was upset, and will never let mil do anything with her hair ever again! DH wasn't happy either. Mil crossed a line. She apologized to us, but she never apologized to DD and doesn't think she has too. This still bugs me!!

Oh, and my DD13 doesn't wear makeup..she doesn't need too. She will wear it for her brothers wedding next year!! And when needed I will show her how to do her eye brows.