Advice please.....falling apart

[dis ms.]

Holly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Were you the one who posted about her BF not too long ago in a thread asking whether or not men and women can be friends?

If you're the one I'm thinking of, it's obvious that Jack is already into a full-fledged relationship with his "friend". He knows that you feel uncomfortable with the amount of time he spends with her, but he does it anyway. The fact that he let her break the news to you tells me that he already is placing her above you (and, sadly, your DD) on his priorities list.

I know it's easier said than done, but I think you need to seriously think of getting out of this situation. Don't you want better for you and your DD? Well, you won't get it by sitting around waiting for Jack to get his act together (if he ever does).

 

[pearlieq]

This must be very painful for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. To be honest, it doesn't sound good.

A couple of things:

1.) Start planning NOW! Update your resume. Think about family and friends that might be able to help you out for a few weeks. Start researching child care and affordable housing in your area. Start checking around for a lawyer. You might not need to use your plans, but it's better to start thinking it through now than to get blindsided.

2.) Keep a close eye on the money! If you have a joint checking/saving account, watch it every day. Contact the bank and see if they'll set up a provision where both of you have to approve transactions over a certain amount. Watch your credit cards VERY carefully. If you have joint cards, consider removing your name from them/closing the account. Stop allowing him as an authorized user on your cards. The last thing you need is for him to run up a bunch of bills then split.

3.) Keep your DD out of this! Please resist the temptation to confide in her or vent to her. She is not old enough to handle this and it will only upset her to see you upset. She cannot be put in the situation where she feels she needs to take care of you. It's incredibly painful and traumatic for a child to be in that position. Call a friend, or vent here if you need to, but not a word to her! If she has questions, tell her only the minimum amount of facts only to answer her question honestly. She needs to be able to lean on you, not the other way around!

Good luck to you. I hope things work out for the best for you.

 

[Tantor]

Sorry Holly you are going through this but listen to the advice that is being given. It is very good advice.

 

[pkrimier]

First of all young lady you need to stop being a door mat for this father of your child...you need to take action now to protect your daughter and yourself.
Do not wait around for him to decide if he wants to take responsibility for his
actions and his obligations to you and your child.
You need to get a lawyer and make sure he pays for you and your child to
live in the style you now live .
Start looking for a job... ..do not make y ourself any more vulunerable then you already are.
Depending on the state you live in ...there could be all sorts of complications since your are not married.
Please do not wait around for him to make a decision ....although it looks like his "other honey" is doing a good job of making the decisions.
You do realize that he is sleeping with this other woman....bet you hadn't even thought about that.
How much more of a betrayal do you need to get mad and to do what you need to .
I urge you to get smart and do what you have to for you and your child.

 

[Living with the Land]

I know a lot of people are commenting about DD. She knows that Daddy has a girlfriend because she called in the middle of the day. She also knows we may have to move which she is not happy with. The main problem is that he just leaves all the time. Honestly, we went from being together from 6 every evening until bed and all weekend to him just seeing her maybe 3 hours a week. She doesn't understand. She doesn't hear us fight because we really aren't. I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays. That just makes him angry too. I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

Holly

 

[Tiffann4k]

Wow if my husband was another women I wouldnt even have time to be posting for advice I would be busy packing his stuff up....but seariously to you , it must be difficult especially when your in love with him. again to you and I hope it all works out for you and your DD. Just remember she comes first not your "husband".

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Jack is a good man and a good father,
Holly

Uh, no he's not.

 

[mickeyboat]

I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

Holly

Oh Holly, it really sounds as if he is not interested in continuing this relationship, no matter what you do. Don't put it all on yourself, it isn't your fault. I think a visit to a counselor on your own would help immensely. Do you have health insurance to cover this?

To be honest, because you are not living in a common law marriage state, I am most concerned about your financial situation after he leaves. Please see a lawyer as soon as possible.

Denae

 

[MoniqueU]

I know a lot of people are commenting about DD. She knows that Daddy has a girlfriend because she called in the middle of the day. She also knows we may have to move which she is not happy with. The main problem is that he just leaves all the time. Honestly, we went from being together from 6 every evening until bed and all weekend to him just seeing her maybe 3 hours a week. She doesn't understand. She doesn't hear us fight because we really aren't. I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays. That just makes him angry too. I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

Holly

So you are basically willing to humiliate yourself in anyway possible to keep your relationship alive? Where is your dignity,pride and self respect?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

. I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays.

So you will permit him to have his cake and eat it too, then?

 

[Christine]

I I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays. That just makes him angry too. I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

Holly

Of course he gets mad. No one can ever have respect for a person (that person is you) that allows themselves to be treated as a doormat. You need to stand up for yourself and not "settle" for this. You will always be the doormat if you do and you will end up with a lifetime of him womanizing and treating you badly. And this is okay with you?

 

[tiggersmom2]

I know a lot of people are commenting about DD. She knows that Daddy has a girlfriend because she called in the middle of the day. She also knows we may have to move which she is not happy with. The main problem is that he just leaves all the time. Honestly, we went from being together from 6 every evening until bed and all weekend to him just seeing her maybe 3 hours a week. She doesn't understand. She doesn't hear us fight because we really aren't. I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays. That just makes him angry too. I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

Holly

OMG!!! You need to go see a counselor for yourself...just you...so you can develop some self esteem. It isn't healthy for you OR your daughter for you to have the attitude that you currently have.

I don't understand how you can tell him that he can stay with you but still have relations with the other woman!! Honestly, that doesn't prove that you love him beyond anything and that you will do anything for the relationship....all it proves is that you are willing to let yourself and your daughter be door mats and that you don't think you deserve or could even find a better relationship. It also proves you have very low self esteem.

One day your daughter will emulate your behavior if you don't change....do you really want that?

 

[pkrimier]

Unreal that in this day and age you would say you would do anything and he can do anything just so you stay together.
I do not see how you can degrade yourself like that....you are not teaching your daughter very good morals or principles or values...
She already knows that Daddy has a girlfriend .....and by y ou accepting that you are teaching her it is ok.....
How bad is that?

Stop thinking about yourself and think about your daugher....
I hope he has not brought home any "deseases " that you will really regret one day.
I would not let any man stay with me that could not love me and me alone.
Why do you want to settle for a loser?
Everyone deserves better then that......if he only sees your daughter 3 hours a week he is not being a good father so she will be better off not seeing the turmoil going on between you and he.
You better take action and do it now.




This is unreal.

 

[floridafam]

Is the house in his name only?

Are you on the deed?

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Respect yourself and do what you have to do to protect your daughter.

So, his honey wants to move right in and set up house. Not so fast. Call a lawyer NOW.

 

[Sandy V.]

I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays.

Pardon me, but ARE YOU NUTS?!?!
Absolutely no man is worth that. Please get some counseling for yourself and your daughter. Your self-esteem really needs a pick up. There is a lot of good advice given - please take it. Your daughter needs a strong and positive role model.

I wish you nothing but the best, but I disagree completely with the above statement you made.

 

[dis ms.]

I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays. That just makes him angry too.

Oh, Holly, I seriously hope he doesn't take you up on this offer. Essentially, you're telling him it's okay to disrespect and cheat on you...as long as he sticks around.

I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

I think you really need to examine the way you are dealing with this. You're making it way too easy for him to mistreat you. And what are you fighting so hard to keep? He's obviously already moving on, he just hasn't made it official. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this is not the way it should be.

Also, you said that it hasn't been fun at home lately. Well, being a grown up isn't always a barrel of laughs. Still, that's not an excuse to act like a jerk.

 

[btass]

Go find yourself a counselor to help you make these decisions.

 

[Thumper's Tara]

I know a lot of people are commenting about DD. She knows that Daddy has a girlfriend because she called in the middle of the day. She also knows we may have to move which she is not happy with. The main problem is that he just leaves all the time. Honestly, we went from being together from 6 every evening until bed and all weekend to him just seeing her maybe 3 hours a week. She doesn't understand. She doesn't hear us fight because we really aren't. I have told him he can do basically whatever if he just stays. That just makes him angry too. I will do anyhting to keep us together but i'm out of ideas.

Holly

First off - You need a hug.

Now, I want you to take a deep breathe and tell yourself that you are a beautiful, strong person and you can handle whatever comes your way. Okay, now do that again.

Believe it. You are beautiful and you are strong. You do not need to be a doormat. I don't think you should allow him to do whatever he wants if he is going to stay. Be strong. Follow the great advice you have gotten here. Contact a lawyer, monitor your finances, prepare your resume, get therapy, and take charge. Honestly, make yourself prepared for the worst case scenario - that he leaves.

Finally, if are unhappy and are pushing him away because of that, take a look at why you are unhappy and identify what you can do to make yourself happy. Don't look at what he is doing. Happiness does not depend on others. It is in us. Concentrate on what you can change and work at it one day at a time.

As you become happy, he may decide he wants to be with you. That is fine, but if he comes back, he needs to come all the way back. He needs to end his relationship with the other woman and return fully to your lives. NO halfways. Don't sell yourself short. Show your DD what a strong woman is like!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Microcell]

I can't get past the part where Jack allows someone else to tell you what the situation is.

This is not a man who is interested in working things out. I am so sorry.

I would talk to a lawyer, but some things to do before the appointment are to gather utility bills and credit card statements with his name and your address and previous address and copy everything! Mortgage payments with his signature or name on the check. Get anything you can think of to establish that you have been living together because common law or not, he has been supporting you and you need to establish that to get palamony or something. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE DOING THAT!!!! He can detroy it faster than you can copy it.

 

[diznygirl]

Next time he goes out, put all his stuff on the front porch and change the locks. Tell him to go live with his girlfriend.

Then get yourself to counseling. You are too good for him.