Advice please.....falling apart

[NMAmy]

I know how you feel. You're walking around with the feeling that someone had just punched you in the stomach-all the time. It is hard to concentrate. You'll do anything to keep Jack. If he stays, the pain will stop. You think that you can fix this, if you can just get the chance.


But the reality is that none of that is going to happen. If Jack does stay, everything will get worse-quickly. Let him go. Get a job, apartment, focus on things you can control. It will take time-but not as much as you think.

By treating you like this, he has taken control of your life. As if his presence determines your happiness.

You, taking control of everything you can, will determine your happiness.

I am praying for you.

Ursula

Ursula's post is worth repeating. Holly, I'm so sorry. I've been in your shoes, honey, and I totally understand why, at this point, you're willing to do anything to keep the relationship together.

First off, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. And, believe me, he'll tell you that it is. If there were problems in the relationship, he should have been man enough to work it out with you before looking around for someone new. Having his girlfriend tell you what he was too spineless to do himself was just despicable.

Secondly, you'll get past the point when anything would be okay to keep the status quo. I'm not proud of the fact that when I first found out I was willing to be a doormat to keep my relationship going. But it's not the same relationship, honey, and it never will be again. Oddly enough, it was seeing Dr. Phil that turned me around. And I never watch him--it was just an odd coincidence that I saw it. He said, "You can't change someone else's behavior, you can only change your own reaction to it." That was my turning point and I took charge of my own life and that of dd's.

It's hard--the hardest thing I ever went through. But, really, things do get better. Another wise poster said that this woman has given you a gift. That is true in so many ways and you'll see that eventually.

to you and to your dd. Be strong for the two of you.

 

[vettechick99]

A lot of people can't understand your reactions so they are being a little blunt. I hope you realize they are said with your best interests at heart. We never know how we will react when we are faced with any situation, particularly one that is so hurtful.

Please do as others have suggested: get your finances in order, see a counselor or pastor (for yourself), and contact a lawyer. The relationship is over. In no way do I think someone who gets his girlfriend to break up with you on the phone is still in the relationship, nor do I think you should be. I'm appalled at his behavior.

I would also suggest (if you haven't already) contacting your best, most trusted friend. They will help you sort through your feelings and assist you on your new journeys.

Many I think you're going to need them.

 

[Nancyg56]

No, he's not. Not if he is cheating on you, lets his girlfriend tell you, and plans on abandoning his daughter.

Blunt but on point. This is an insight into his moral structure.

I know that I have no personal advice other that to see a lawyer ASAP. You are very vulnerable right now, and need to have an legal advice in order to best care for your DD. The only thing I ever ask when people I care about are going through this is: "If you were watching your son or daughter go through this, would the situation be good enough for him/her? You are your child's role model, and your interaction with the men and women in your life is the model that they usually follow. You teach your child what is acceptable in a relationship, and how to treat a woman or how to be treated by a man."

and best wishes to you and to your DD.

 

[Living with the Land]

Thank you all for the support, believe me I need it. I am taking care of things and trying to protect myself and DD. I really don't think that the relationship is over I just think that it is broken right now. I do shoulder a lot of the blame but you are all right that he shouldn't have found someone else until we had done everything under the sun to try and save our family. Last night he said that he was willing to try just for DD. That is going to be our start. She loves her Daddy with more conviction then anyone I have ever known. If he leaves her there will be more damage then I can even explain. She clings to him now always afraid that if she leaves him for a second he will be gone. It breaks my heart. I just want to save my family so that my daughter can grow up the way i did with both parents in the home. Right now I don't know if that will happen but with lots of prayers and pxie dust maybe it will work for us.

Holly

 

[Certifiable WDW Nut]

If he leaves her there will be more damage then I can even explain. She clings to him now always afraid that if she leaves him for a second he will be gone. Holly

I'm sorry, but he seems like he has already done a lot of damage. Maybe it is time to start repairing what has been done, rather than letting it continue. If he is still seeing/talking/thinking about the other woman, the damage is continuing. Also, give your little girl some credit, she's probably a lot stronger than you realize, just as you are.

 

[GJM]

I just want you to know my DH has told me this over and over again, that it was over with the other woman and he wanted to try - it still hasn't worked. I'm not saying your situation won't work. But my DH goes a week with things being better and then it is down hill again.

My DS is also very attached at times to my DH, I think part of the reason is because he does disappear sometimes.

I also saw Dr. Phil one day, never watch him, it was about a cheating spouse, he said something to the effect about what is worse - a child coming from a broken home or living in a broken home -

Just protect yourself still even if he says he is willing to work on it, get your finances in order.

I wish you all the best - and hope things work out

 

[mickeyboat]

I just want to save my family so that my daughter can grow up the way i did with both parents in the home.
Holly

Holly, I just don't know about this. If it is not a happy, loving home, is it worth saving? It's teaching your DD that it's o.k. to settle for someone who clearly doesn't want to be with her, in a bad relationship.

I sure hope it all works out for the best for you and your DD, and I am glad to hear you are protecting yourselves.

Denae

 

[lovemygoofy]

Thank you all for the support, believe me I need it. I am taking care of things and trying to protect myself and DD. I really don't think that the relationship is over I just think that it is broken right now. I do shoulder a lot of the blame but you are all right that he shouldn't have found someone else until we had done everything under the sun to try and save our family. Last night he said that he was willing to try just for DD. That is going to be our start. She loves her Daddy with more conviction then anyone I have ever known. If he leaves her there will be more damage then I can even explain. She clings to him now always afraid that if she leaves him for a second he will be gone. It breaks my heart. I just want to save my family so that my daughter can grow up the way i did with both parents in the home. Right now I don't know if that will happen but with lots of prayers and pxie dust maybe it will work for us.

Holly

Holly first Now I don't normally respond other than the hug and prayers for you but your story tugs at my heart because I have been in your daughters shoes. LISTEN TO ME: you are not doing your daughter any good living a false life. She knows that something isn't right already. Trust me that will stay with her for the rest of her life. When she is old enough to understand, she is going to feel bad that you lowered yourself so much so she could have a "happy life." You said its because you want her to have what you had growing up. But Holly, your parents WANTED TO BE TOGETHER. Right now Jack doesn't know what he wants. He needs a kick in the pants(front and back,lol).

Holly, at some point your little girl is going to grow up. Where will this leave you? Alone and dependant on some guy, who will no doubt stray again and again or just leave once your daughter is old enough. Show your daughter how much a woman should love herself and have pride in herself. Show her how you should never settle for less than the best. Think about this at least: would you want your darling baby girl to have to settle for for crumbs should she ever see herself in that situation? No, you would want her to get herself together and do what is best for herself and family.

Holly, you have to do what is best overall for yourself and daughter. PLEASE at least attempt to be your own person even if you settle for staying with Jack. Get some independence, your own money and something to fall back on. He will not be there forever the way he is acting now. I'll be praying for you and your daughter.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess my response would be if in 15 years your dd comes to you with this exact problem, would you tell her to stay and stick it out, put up with it?
That is what you are teaching her. She has to please, beg, cling in order to keep a man (her daddy). Very, very manipulative your man is. He throws your dd and his girlfriend in front of him to shield himself from YOU "seeing" the REAL him.
At the very least get a job, put the house up for sale, find an apartment, consult a lawyer, start saving money, etc....
Next time he walks out, he is probably NOT going to come back to you. Prepare yourself.
Trust me, his girlfriend is going to let him have it and make him choose.

 

[phillybeth]

Relationships should be 50 - 50

No. Relationships NEED to be 100/100. I know your intention by saying 50/50, but both need to give 100% to make it work.

 

[Patty3]

This is such a sad and tough situation you are in. You wrote that he is willing to try just for DD. That does not say much for your relationship with him. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[andromedaslove]

The fact that your daughter clings to him afraid he is gonna leave should tell you that he has already damaged her. No little girl should be afraid that her daddy is going to go away. The fact that he wants to "try" and stay just for her is not acceptable. If he is staying with you just for her then he isn't staying with you, which means he is going to continue to be with this other woman, and continue hurting your daughter. You must see that. You are not doing your little girl any good by sticking in this relationship. This man wants to have his cake and eat it to, he wants to be a "good" daddy and stay with you hoping his daughter won't see his mistakes but he doesn't want to be a good husband to you, he wants to have a relationship with this other woman. I know this must be a horrible thing to face, but at some point you are gonna see how much this is hurting her, and you have to protect her the best way you can even if that means leaving him.

I know this isn't the same thing, but.... my son was molested by my cousin who we had custody of. My son called him his brother and knew him as his brother from the time he was born. When I found out about what had happened I immediately moved my cousin out of my home. It hurt my son alot. At 4 he didn't understand why what had happened was so bad all he knew was that we had taken his brother away. It hurts him alot, and he talks about it every single day how much he misses his "bubba". I know I did what I had to do to protect him, even if he doesn't get that and is upset because his brother is gone. When he is older he will understand that I did what I had to do to protect him.

You need to see the same thing. You see that this is hurting her, and you make the choice to continue to let him hurt her, or you make the choice to protect her, even if she doesn't like it right now.

Dana

 

[Kristi1357]

The fact that your daughter clings to him afraid he is gonna leave should tell you that he has already damaged her. No little girl should be afraid that her daddy is going to go away. The fact that he wants to "try" and stay just for her is not acceptable. If he is staying with you just for her then he isn't staying with you, which means he is going to continue to be with this other woman, and continue hurting your daughter. You must see that. You are not doing your little girl any good by sticking in this relationship. This man wants to have his cake and eat it to, he wants to be a "good" daddy and stay with you hoping his daughter won't see his mistakes but he doesn't want to be a good husband to you, he wants to have a relationship with this other woman. I know this must be a horrible thing to face, but at some point you are gonna see how much this is hurting her, and you have to protect her the best way you can even if that means leaving him.

I couldn't agree more!
No matter what you decide, please, please get some counseling for yourself, ASAP!

Kristi

 

[NMAmy]

Last night he said that he was willing to try just for DD. That is going to be our start.
Holly

Holly, I know that it's early days and trying to deal with situation is just unbearable. But do you really want your dd to think that this is an acceptable way for someone to treat her mom and, in the future, her? A child doesn't have to have her parents living together to be happy. She'll still see her dad--probably more than she is now from what you've stated before.

I know that right now it's very hard to envision a different life for yourself. But is it really worth living this kind of life?

You'll have to do what you think is best for you and for your dd. And I know that all the advice you're receiving here--to kick him out, etc.--seems impossible right now. But just think about these things. You really don' t have to decide today. But you will need to decide soon. I wish you all the very best.

 

[sanilacjack]

Holly,
My heart goes out to you. You have alot of decisions to make and to hold it together for you DD.


To all the posters-

Please stop calling Jack names (I know I will get flamed for this). This will NOT HELP Holly at this time. Although I totally agree with you gals, it will not help her.

Holly is currently grieving the same as if she would if some one died. Something has died – her life.
The grieving stages are: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance.

All us girlfriends went straight to anger; because we are not clearly grieving like Holly…..just wait till she gets there.

Holly – Do you have any family support or church support, a pastor to talk to?

Also, do you feel you or DD are in any danger? Could you be if GF doesn’t get her own way?

-Kim

 

[andromedaslove]

To all the posters-

Please stop calling Jack names (I know I will get flamed for this). This will NOT HELP Holly at this time. Although I totally agree with you gals, it will not help her.

Holly is currently grieving the same as if she would if some one died. Something has died – her life.
The grieving stages are: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance.

All us girlfriends went straight to anger; because we are not clearly grieving like Holly…..just wait till she gets there.

-Kim

No flames here. I agree with you. I think it is just hard for us (all of us women here) we are a tight knit although odd family. None of us like to hear that someone is doing something that is hurting a member of our family.

My main concern here is the daughter. Regardless of wether they are in physical danger, this little girl is being set up for some severe emotional injury, and so is Holly. Holly however is an adult and can make her own decisions about how she allows people to treat her, her daughter can't.

 

[SillyMe]

Thank you all for the support, believe me I need it. I am taking care of things and trying to protect myself and DD. I really don't think that the relationship is over I just think that it is broken right now. I do shoulder a lot of the blame but you are all right that he shouldn't have found someone else until we had done everything under the sun to try and save our family. Last night he said that he was willing to try just for DD. That is going to be our start. She loves her Daddy with more conviction then anyone I have ever known. If he leaves her there will be more damage then I can even explain. She clings to him now always afraid that if she leaves him for a second he will be gone. It breaks my heart. I just want to save my family so that my daughter can grow up the way i did with both parents in the home. Right now I don't know if that will happen but with lots of prayers and pxie dust maybe it will work for us.

Holly

Part of the reason she clings to him is because she knows what is going on and she is hurt. If you continue to live like this, it will only get worse for her. You need to put her best interest first and that would be taking her out of an environment that is not good for her. Knowing that Daddy has a girlfriend and Mommy is sad is not a good environment for your daughter.

I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy for her to be separated from her father if you leave, BUT, it will get easier for her as time goes by and she sees her Mommy's pain disappearing (which it will as you eventually get on with your life) and doesn't see Daddy hurting Mommy's feelings anymore. As she gets older and she remembers back to what happened, she will admire you for being so strong and not allowing him to walk all over you. That in itself will one day make her a strong young lady and allow her to make the decisions on not settling in a relationship for less than what she is deserved.

 

[nliedel]

While I agree the daughter may indeed get hurt I also want to say something on the behalf of children with rotton childhoods. No, it's not fun and it's a huge cross to carry. It can ruin your adult life. That said it can make it too. No one should allow a child to be hurt but children do get hurt. There is no way to prevent it and sometimes all you can do is mitigate the damage as best you can and work from there.

Most of the people I know had childhoods that make she shudder but they are amazing adults and doing phenominal jobs as parents now. Yes Holly's daughter has been hurt and hurt badly by her father but if Holly works from here with her there is no reason she cannot grow up to be an adult they both can be proud of. How she perceives this, in the end, will depend on Holly handles this from here. (Holly I don't mean to talk down to you but I am talking to everyone here. I don't mean to be dismissive of you. Please know that).

 

[DVC Sadie]

Thank you all for the support, believe me I need it. I am taking care of things and trying to protect myself and DD. I really don't think that the relationship is over I just think that it is broken right now. I do shoulder a lot of the blame but you are all right that he shouldn't have found someone else until we had done everything under the sun to try and save our family. Last night he said that he was willing to try just for DD. That is going to be our start. She loves her Daddy with more conviction then anyone I have ever known. If he leaves her there will be more damage then I can even explain. She clings to him now always afraid that if she leaves him for a second he will be gone. It breaks my heart. I just want to save my family so that my daughter can grow up the way i did with both parents in the home. Right now I don't know if that will happen but with lots of prayers and pxie dust maybe it will work for us.

Holly

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your dd. You need to be strong right now especially for your dd and show your dd your strenth by seeking legal advise ASAP. Your daughter needs a strong role model right now and your boyfriend is not the type of person any child should look up to. Our children learn life lessons by the parents behavior. If you aren't able to be strong for yourself at least be strong for your child. Do you have a bank account in your own name? Are you going to be looking for a job? You need to take steps NOW to ensure the welfare of yourself and your child. Both you and your child need to see a psychologist to give mental support while going through this trying time.

 

[PaulaSue]

I don't know what to say but I will be thinking about you.