Advice for mom with large age gap between children

[stephk1981]

I wouldn’t use KNO so many times. Maybe once, and that’s a big maybe. He needs to learn that his sister is now a part of the family. Yes, it will be different and he needs to adapt. If he can’t do this, don’t go.

Thank you so much for sharing your suggestion!

 

[stephk1981]

I was 10 when my younger brother was born, and while I of course loved him very much, he drove me crazy. 10-12 I thought were always awkward years because you're growing out of the kid stuff, but you're not at the teen stage yet, plus right before and during puberty is always a tough time. (Not trying to pry but maybe his recent behavior is related to that "magical" time approaching.) Anyway, my brother used to get into my things a lot too, and it was the perceived violation of privacy and personal space that I really didn't like. If you don't already, I would suggest buying some sort of lock or childproof knob cover for his room and the bathroom. They have plastic pieces that can snap on over the knob that the little one won't be able to open, but you guys and DS could by squeezing it. That could possibly reduce some of the aggressive behavior, but I would also make it crystal clear that any mean behavior will absolutely not be tolerated. Set rules and consequences and stand by them. There's no way I'd personally allow electronics if there are behavior issues, but I'm also a mean mom that has yet to buy my 8 yo any electronic device.

Next, if your DD is keeping him awake at night, I'd look into earplugs, noise cancelling headphones, a white noise machine, or something to help reduce the sounds. If he's not getting enough sleep, that could be contributing to his crankiness.

It sounds like between homeschooling, never really taking time alone for yourself, and your DH not always being around due to work, etc, that your DS spends almost every second with you. Frankly, it sounds like YOU need a break. Rather than getting a sitter every other week for your DD so you have more time with DS, I'd consider having a sitter stay with both of them (or your DH, but if he won't, do the sitter) at least once a month so you have some time to yourself. You seem a bit overwhelmed and something I've had to learn is you have to take time for yourself or you won't have as much energy to devote to your kids. It might also be good for your DS to have that little bit of time away from you. I know it's tough when your best friend moves, but if there's any way he could spend more time with other kids his age (through the homeschool groups, going to the park, kids activities at the library, kids bowling league, etc), that might help as well.

In regards to your trip, I personally wouldn't leave DD with a babysitter for that many days. Yes, the trip will be different, but he has to learn to accept that things will be different with a younger sibling and that family trips are for the family to spend time together. He's had several trips that were devoted solely to him (whereas his sister hasn't and may never have one where she's the focus of everything) and it's not really fair for his sister to be left behind, just like it wouldn't be fair for him to be left behind for half of the vacation.

Do you have photos of him at Disney when he was young? Bring those out and point out the joy on his face and tell him about memories you have of taking him when he was so young. Explain to him that his sister is going to be so in awe of everything around her and he gets to be a part of that magic. (Because even though she has been before, there's a huge difference between 6 months and a year and how the little ones see and react to the park.) Emphasize that he gets to help "create" the magic for her by showing her all the things he loves at the parks. He might like being allowed to plan a day at the parks so he can "introduce" her to all of the cool things he enjoys. Let him know that being a big brother comes with the responsibility of looking out for his sister, but also teaching her about the fun stuff. With responsibility also comes benefits, like maybe staying up a little later while his sister goes to bed, but those benefits have to be earned.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! Yes, it would definitely be nice to get a few hours a month to myself! That's a good idea
I am definitely encouraging him now to start planning what he wants to do with his sister on the trip, also a great idea!

Yes privacy is very important! We actually do have baby proof mechanisms on our door handles, DS just has to remember to actually close his bedroom door for them to work lol.
We have tried the earplugs, but DS said they feel funny and won't wear them I will look into the noise cancelling earphones, great idea! Sleep in my household is non-existent. DS still wakes on his own ( without DD waking) atleast a dozen plus times a night with his sleep disorder. We have tried meds throughout the years, but kept having to up doses. We have white noise machines, and calming bedtime routines....but none have worked out so well. DD is unfortunately a bit worse than DS was as a baby. She is up atlat le 3-4 times every hour all night long.....both children since we brought them home from the hospital. I have tried so many sleep training techniques on both children.... including the just cry it out method....which obviously was the worse for me DD can be evaluated at 2 just as DS was for sleep study. We do have a fourth bedroom currently set up as an office for DH....we need to have one of the kids move to that room instead since it's on the other side of the house.

I love the idea of letting him know he gets the privileges because of these added responsibilities! Thank you for all of your help for ideas!

 

[stephk1981]

I'm not a parent so take this with a grain of salt. However, I learned this from my mother who raised several children, hers and a neighbor's when she was doing babysitting. We were close in age. However she did have a good friend who had two daughters that were about 7 to 9 years apart.

This is the advice she gave her friend although it was not taken. Those two girls still dont get along to this day, and it's been at least 25 year.

This is also the advice that she gave to us, even though we did not have children of our own.

Make your son a part of your daughter's life. Make him feel important in your daughter's life. This can be accomplished in different ways. The easiest way is to have him help do things with your daughter. Such as helping to feed her, helping to change her diaper, burp her, walking with her, etc. Don't make it seem like it's a chore for him.


Right now, he is feeling jealous because he had you all to himself for many years.

The more you make him feel that he is important in your daughter's life, the less he will act up.

Thank you so much for sharing your suggestions! I will try more to include him in taking crae of her on day to day

 

[stephk1981]

Hi, my kids are grown, but they grew up with large age gaps. They are now 37,27 and 22. Take my advice with a grain of salt.

My dh was around very little when they were growing up. I never took them to wdw without him, but we did travel closer to home without him. I also worked full time and oldest DS has Asperger Syndrome.

Instead of therapy, I think your DS needs his own activities. I know your DS can’t go to public school, but can he start to attend some programs that are just his? Story hours, sports, day camps. Keep him busy and since he has his own activities he won’t be as jealous. Remind him only big kids can do these things so he will feel important. Try and let him see the positive things the sister can bring. You are the big guy so you can show your sister how to do things since you are a big kid that knows how to do this already.

I’ll never forget when my youngest was born, my mom asked him if he was glad we decided to keep her and he got excited and said “you mean we can still send her back?”

Now that they are grown, my oldest and my youngest are still really close. He let her move into his house after she graduated from college.

I am so glad to hear of how close your oldest and youngest are! Obviously you all have a loving family Hopefully my two will be this close as well.

Yes, DS does have 3 co ops he is onvloved in for classes outside of the home. He goes to one on Mondays for half a day, the other two meet one time a month. We also have a weekly homeschool Meetup at various parks that we go to every week. He is involved in soccer, but our outdoor season doesn't begin until January, since it's so hot here. He had been playing indoor soccer, but said he didn't care for it anymore. He did express a high interest in the soccer travel team, I really wish I could let him participate in....but to be honest I just can't. I know this sounds selfish, but with lack of sleep, being the only parent to ferry him everywhere and dragging DD with us, I just don't have it in me to drive the 1-3 hours every weekend for the travel games. So unfortunately I told him without his dad's help, I can't take the travel team on.

 

[stephk1981]

I know that I (and others) have already said it, but showing him how to be a loving and responsible big brother is really important. One thing that helped our older son quite a bit was, we emphasized "sharing the magic" (for WDW, holidays, etc.) from the other side. For example, we had one of those Christmas elves, and ours was a naughty elf who did pranks every night. My older son loved to be in charge of each night's prank, setting it up to make the younger kids laugh--whether it was wrapping the tree in toilet paper or tinting the toilet water green, he was all over it. He still talks of it fondly. Now that my youngest is 12, we no longer get visited by the elf, but my younger two can't believe their older brother was behind the pranks!

He's not going to change overnight, but I would praise every little improvement that you see--let him know that you're watching, and you see that he's trying. It IS harder when your younger sibling moves into the toddler years--they're mobile, they're curious, and they don't listen to reason!

Thank you so much for the added response! I think you are very right, I need to encourage him to do some fun things for baby sister and include him in more on maybe taking care of her ( minor things.) I have tried so hard not to ask anything of him taking care of her wise, because I didn't want him to resent DD. So I just do it all myself. I probably should have encouraged him more to help with small things with her. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts!

 

[siestakeys04]

My brother and I are 9yrs and 5 months apart. We are now 46 and he just turned 36 this summer. Your son may be thinking now I can't ride things I want but if I do I am doing it alone, or now I have to ride these baby rides with ds. It may not have been bad if your dh was going because at least he would have someone to be with. His behavior is not good of course and I don't doubt he loves his sister. He has to learn things change and in no way your sister deserves to be treated badly. Could you reschedule when dh can go or maybe a grandparent? Hope it works out for you.

 

[Gafnorin]

It’s lovely that you’re so supportive of your family. It sounds like the situation mostly works for you all. For your son I think you’re right that he’s having a hard time and needs support. But you’re already making hefty accommodations for him and at some point he needs to get on board with the reality that DD is coming along. Acknowledge that it’s different and that’s hard and he’s upset. AND that he’s a big brother now, his sister loves him and wants to be around him and you’re going to need his help with this trip. He’s 10, he can help. And he can show her lots of rides and amazing things at Disney! And you’ll have 5 days together (which is amazing and you are really looking forward to it).

But if he doesn’t want to go the trip can be cancelled (assuming no major financial loss). If he does want to go he needs to get on board. Let him have say but all in or all out.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Thank you so much for the added response! I think you are very right, I need to encourage him to do some fun things for baby sister and include him in more on maybe taking care of her ( minor things.) I have tried so hard not to ask anything of him taking care of her wise, because I didn't want him to resent DD. So I just do it all myself. I probably should have encouraged him more to help with small things with her. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts!

I think it's a balance--you're right, you don't want him to feel like he's a slave to his sister, but OTOH, you're a family, and you all pitch in. If that means that he helps her to pick up while you finish making dinner--that's reasonable. Grabbing a fresh diaper while you clean up a messy one? Again, very reasonable.

I actually had the opposite problem--my oldest was almost 11 when my youngest was born. She was even present at the birth, and cut the cord. I had to keep reminding her that he was MY baby, not hers! She just loved fussing over him! The remain close, even though she's 23 and out of the house.

Funny story--when my youngest was a baby, my oldest was begging to babysit him. You know, actually be home, without an adult, watching him. I felt she was a tad young (and, keep in mind, I had two other kids in between). Well, one morning, I was out of milk. We needed it for cereal. The round-trip would take 15 minutes, tops. The kids were all watching TV, dressed, and the little guy was in his Exersaucer. So, I RACE to the store, run and grab a milk, throw money at the cashier, and RACE home. My poor DD! The little guy had pooped, and it was messy--and everywhere! Dripping down his legs, all over the Exersaucer, just--everywhere! No long-term harm done, but it was a LONG time before DD asked to babysit him again.

 

[powellrj]

I am so glad to hear of how close your oldest and youngest are! Obviously you all have a loving family Hopefully my two will be this close as well.

Yes, DS does have 3 co ops he is onvloved in for classes outside of the home. He goes to one on Mondays for half a day, the other two meet one time a month. We also have a weekly homeschool Meetup at various parks that we go to every week. He is involved in soccer, but our outdoor season doesn't begin until January, since it's so hot here. He had been playing indoor soccer, but said he didn't care for it anymore. He did express a high interest in the soccer travel team, I really wish I could let him participate in....but to be honest I just can't. I know this sounds selfish, but with lack of sleep, being the only parent to ferry him everywhere and dragging DD with us, I just don't have it in me to drive the 1-3 hours every weekend for the travel games. So unfortunately I told him without his dad's help, I can't take the travel team on.

I do understand about travel teams, my kids were never able to be on one because I couldn’t do it alone. Hang in there it will get better. Just keep letting him know he is your big guy.

 

[stephk1981]

My brother and I are 9yrs and 5 months apart. We are now 46 and he just turned 36 this summer. Your son may be thinking now I can't ride things I want but if I do I am doing it alone, or now I have to ride these baby rides with ds. It may not have been bad if your dh was going because at least he would have someone to be with. His behavior is not good of course and I don't doubt he loves his sister. He has to learn things change and in no way your sister deserves to be treated badly. Could you reschedule when dh can go or maybe a grandparent? Hope it works out for you.

Thanks for the response! Yes, hopefully he will learn these things quickly I do have Kids night out helping so that I can go on rides with him that much DD can't go on. Unfortunately DH doesn't like to go to Disney. He joined us in April for half of the trip when DD was 6 months, but that was the first time in 4 ish years. So if we waited for him to go, we'd never go lol. As far as our parents, one set is elderly and not well. The other, single grandparent who is a busy physician in private practice....also not willing to take time off ( I have asked ). Thank you so much for the ideas

 

[stephk1981]

I think it's a balance--you're right, you don't want him to feel like he's a slave to his sister, but OTOH, you're a family, and you all pitch in. If that means that he helps her to pick up while you finish making dinner--that's reasonable. Grabbing a fresh diaper while you clean up a messy one? Again, very reasonable.

I actually had the opposite problem--my oldest was almost 11 when my youngest was born. She was even present at the birth, and cut the cord. I had to keep reminding her that he was MY baby, not hers! She just loved fussing over him! The remain close, even though she's 23 and out of the house.

Funny story--when my youngest was a baby, my oldest was begging to babysit him. You know, actually be home, without an adult, watching him. I felt she was a tad young (and, keep in mind, I had two other kids in between). Well, one morning, I was out of milk. We needed it for cereal. The round-trip would take 15 minutes, tops. The kids were all watching TV, dressed, and the little guy was in his Exersaucer. So, I RACE to the store, run and grab a milk, throw money at the cashier, and RACE home. My poor DD! The little guy had pooped, and it was messy--and everywhere! Dripping down his legs, all over the Exersaucer, just--everywhere! No long-term harm done, but it was a LONG time before DD asked to babysit him again.

Your poor DD lol....what a way to be introduced to babysitting...but she did ask you to!!!

 

[stephk1981]

Thank you!

 

[QueenIsabella]

Your poor DD lol....what a way to be introduced to babysitting...but she did ask you to!!!

Yeah, we laugh about it now, kind of like the time #3 threw up all over me in a restaurant, then announced, "I feel better now!" Thanks, kiddo! The things they don't mention in those child-rearing books...

Seriously, though, flexibility and a good sense of humor go a long way. I do believe you're trying to do your absolute best with the situation you find yourself in. At the end of the day, you want both your children to feel loved and appreciated for who they are. If you're doing that, most of the time, anyway, you're doing okay.

 

[stephk1981]

Update: DS and I have an appointment with a family therapist ( LCSW) the first week of December. She was unable to fit us in before our trip, but I am happy to have appointment scheduled!

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful advice, comments, ideas, and well wishes everyone

 

[BLAZEY]

Yes privacy is very important! We actually do have baby proof mechanisms on our door handles, DS just has to remember to actually close his bedroom door for them to work lol.

My BFF's younger sister was 8.5 years younger than she was and her mum put a baby gate across the outer door jam so that the little sister couldn't get in the room but we could just step over it.
I don't know if this is possible but, here if a student has medical issues that prevent full time attendance in school, a modified programme is made specifically to meet the needs of that student. If that means the student may miss more than the standard amount of days they qualify for Homebound educational assistance. They get a houndbound teacher that liason's with the classroom teacher for classwork and projects. It requires documentation from the doctors to get it done ,but can be such a great help to families already dealing with the issues at home, still have some normalcy of going to school and the parents getting a bit of a break by still keeping them "in school" without the parents having to fully take on homeschooling. It is for students who miss more than 10 days of school due to illnesses.

 

[tinkerjo]

Thanks for the response! Yes, DH, like yours does have a very high demands job. He does deserve to go on his trip. Our original agreement was for him to go, then I would get to go have a few days to myself and go somewhere without kids too......he just has never reciprocated. Love your ' suck it up buttercup' saying....lol my mom used to use this phrase often. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts

You sound a lot like me. I have never taken a “me” vacation but now that I am older and only have one DS11 left at home ( others are DS28,DD25,DS20) I wouldn’t want too. The time goes so fast. My DH would never had watched the kids when the were small but fortunately did once they could walk, talk, and wipe!!! And he has attended every WDW and DL trip but one and I am grateful that he is a Disney nut. I do remember when I was expecting My last, DD was certain I was ruining her life and told me that often!!! She ended up being another mommy to him. So kind and loving. She even insisted he be in her high school senior pictures. I am sure with some patience and understanding your son will be just fine. I would try to foster that relationship with his dad. My DH started taking the boys along on hunting/fishing trips when they were 11-12. That would give you some special time with DD. Hope everything works out for you

 

[jeepnjudy]

Update: DS and I have an appointment with a family therapist ( LCSW) the first week of December. She was unable to fit us in before our trip, but I am happy to have appointment scheduled!

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful advice, comments, ideas, and well wishes everyone

Excellent idea... I would address this as a systemic family issue (not just a DS issue). Have you considered DS is acting out because as you mentioned earlier DH pays way more attention to DD which is likely making DS more angry and resentful as DD gets older? DH's behaviors are not helping DS to adjust to his sister and the negative impact will likely grow worse over the years if not addressed with DH. Hope the therapist helps!!

 

[stephk1981]

My BFF's younger sister was 8.5 years younger than she was and her mum put a baby gate across the outer door jam so that the little sister couldn't get in the room but we could just step over it.
I don't know if this is possible but, here if a student has medical issues that prevent full time attendance in school, a modified programme is made specifically to meet the needs of that student. If that means the student may miss more than the standard amount of days they qualify for Homebound educational assistance. They get a houndbound teacher that liason's with the classroom teacher for classwork and projects. It requires documentation from the doctors to get it done ,but can be such a great help to families already dealing with the issues at home, still have some normalcy of going to school and the parents getting a bit of a break by still keeping them "in school" without the parents having to fully take on homeschooling. It is for students who miss more than 10 days of school due to illnesses.

Baby gates can be great! Your school system sounds incredibly accommodating I wish we had something like this! Thank you

 

[stephk1981]

You sound a lot like me. I have never taken a “me” vacation but now that I am older and only have one DS11 left at home ( others are DS28,DD25,DS20) I wouldn’t want too. The time goes so fast. My DH would never had watched the kids when the were small but fortunately did once they could walk, talk, and wipe!!! And he has attended every WDW and DL trip but one and I am grateful that he is a Disney nut. I do remember when I was expecting My last, DD was certain I was ruining her life and told me that often!!! She ended up being another mommy to him. So kind and loving. She even insisted he be in her high school senior pictures. I am sure with some patience and understanding your son will be just fine. I would try to foster that relationship with his dad. My DH started taking the boys along on hunting/fishing trips when they were 11-12. That would give you some special time with DD. Hope everything works out for you

How right you are! The time does go incredibly quickly, kids grow overnight . I would love for DS to go do more things with DH. DH started to trying to be ' more involved' with DS about 2 years ago, but to be honest, I think he missed the window ( so to speak.) DS never wants to do things that DH asks him to do. DH wants DS to play football, DS hates football and loves soccer...DH won't practice soccer with him etc. DS has no desire to go hunting with DH for to 2 weeks every year at this point, but the age to go for their family is 16....so we will see how he feels at that point. I try to encourage them to spend any time together that they can...even going to get a haircut etc. DH is just very critical of DS....anytime DS plays with DD, DH gripes he is going to hurt her, be more careful etc, even when DS really isn't being rough though. I am hoping going to therapy will give me pointers how to handle the situation. Thank you for sharing your experience!

 

[stephk1981]

Excellent idea... I would address this as a systemic family issue (not just a DS issue). Have you considered DS is acting out because as you mentioned earlier DH pays way more attention to DD which is likely making DS more angry and resentful as DD gets older? DH's behaviors are not helping DS to adjust to his sister and the negative impact will likely grow worse over the years if not addressed with DH. Hope the therapist helps!!

I agree, DH gushes about DD...his ' princess' .... she's beautiful, she's smart, she's this, she's that. He rarely if ever praises DS. I'm not sure how to make DH stop this, or praise DS equally....as I have had many conversations about this with him. Thank you! I am very hopeful that I will be able to learn some better ways to handle this from the therapist.