Advice about dd's bf?

[luvmyfam444]

Thanks for the advice. The weird thing is this is the 2nd guy to tell her via social media that he was gonna kill himself if they broke up. Of course that first one didn't but he did drop out of band because of her.

The other exes of her have been normal & she's still friends with them. The last 2 not so much.

I think dd just blew off the threat - not terribly concerned because the last guy didn't do anything.

 

[sk!mom]

She has been "dating" this guy for 2 months....they have a class together, went to homecoming together & they text/email & Skype a bunch.

He says he's gonna marry her & he's so in love & supposedly she has promised him the same. That doesn't bother me too much..puppy love is misleading that way @15/16 yo.

What really bothers me is his comments about killing himself if they breakup.

How do you handle that?

dd has said he's driving her crazy lately, smothering her (not in a bad way) & she wants to move on but she's scared of his reaction.

What do I tell her?

Wow- I could have written something similar 2 years ago except I don't think the boy ever threatened suicide. DD's relationship was with a young man who seemed very sweet, at first. Over time he became extremely clingy and frequently talked about their future. DD was a sophomore and it was too intense. She broke up with him after also being so nervous- it's not easy to break a heart. The boy took it very badly and we had to help enforce a distance until things calmed down. DD wanted to stay away from him but it's hard when you're 16 and someone is sending you texts like "I saw you twice today- cried both times." She felt like she needed to say something. We had to help DD understand that responding was keeping contact and feeding his obsession with her.

In your situation, I would help DD understand that I had to call his parents and tell them that she is going to break up with him and that he has threatened suicide. He's probably just trying to control her but suicide threats must be taken seriously. I would then keep your DD far from him. This type of controlling behavior can turn abusive.

 

[sk!mom]

Many will undoubtedly disagree, but I would be contacting his parents and making them aware of his state of mind. If it was my son (and I do have a teenage DS who has navigated his first relationship) I would want to know. They need to be involved in helping him manage his emotions which, based on your account, appear to be overwhelming him.

It doesn't mean you need to "break them up" necessarily, but if I was the parent of the girl I'd be having long talks about her power to choose a relationship that is positive and comfortable for her. I'd also want to help her recognize emotional manipulation, a form of control which is not part of a healthy dynamic.

Totally agree!

 

[MrsDuck]

In this situation, I think it should be DD that tells the school counselor, not mom.

This is such a sucky situation for all. I would wait to get mom involved until it's absolutely necessary.

 

[Patch'sD]

I would make BF so uncomfortable that it is idea to break up. Tell him what you expect of him. Very High Expectations. What College he should be going to, what vocation, Have him come in for daily chats with mom and dad before going out. Sit him down and talk about daily life and what you did at work. Basically make it his idea to get out of that relationship. Kill him with kindness lots of and lots of kindness.

 

[MrsDuck]

I would make BF so uncomfortable that it is idea to break up. Tell him what you expect of him. Very High Expectations. What College he should be going to, what vocation, Have him come in for daily chats with mom and dad before going out. Sit him down and talk about daily life and what you did at work. Basically make it his idea to get out of that relationship. Kill him with kindness lots of and lots of kindness.

Ehhh, I don't know if that is the right path if he has already said he wants to "marry her." Depending on how "serious" he is, those actions could come across as the parents supporting the two having a very involved/serious future together...

Perhaps not but just another perspective.

 

[luvsJack]

That would be the school or other authorities place...
Some other objective and qualified person.
Many parents (and I would suspect MOST parents) would just NOT take this kind of personal 'intervention' into their business very well.

I have BTDT....
When my son was younger, not even a teenager yet, there was a tentative friendship with this boy who turned out to be very troubled, possibly because of some developmental ASD type issues. When it became clear that this was NOT a good situation for my son, and he was calling my son all the time and trying to make my young child feel responsible for his problems... I actually did go to speak with his mom. I had met her a couple of times and felt that it might work out for me to approach her.

60 seconds after speaking with her and letting her know that I was worried/concerned about her son. I was ushered right out the door, and being called a 'witch' as I left.

ETA: As a small/petite woman, you just won't see me choosing to go personally, one-on-one, to go try to deal with this kind of thing with another parent. Whether it is a bully, a troubled kid who is controlling/bullying their girlfriend... whatever. I just can't generally advise anyone to do that. I never forget the old adage... "Don't like the message... Hate the messenger." There are usually other options.

OP, if you have any second thoughts at all about dealing with this parent... Just do NOT even consider it. Not all advice, no matter how well meaning, is good advice for any given situation.

If you do feel that this boy is troubled (and that would be my assumption) go to the school.....

I have found in my experience most parents are truly concerned about their children and normally do accept another parent's concern. Talking out of concern and going "one on one" in a accusing manner are two totally different things.

Going to the school is all well and good IF there is a counselor that will actually take some action. Not all school counselors are cut from the same cloth. I know our's is pretty much useless in these kinds of things.

My concern about not going to the parent, would be if the couple breaks up and the boy does something before the counselor has the opportunity to do something for him. Someone needs to be aware and keeping an eye on the kid.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have found in my experience most parents are truly concerned about their children and normally do accept another parent's concern. Talking out of concern and going "one on one" in a accusing manner are two totally different things.

Going to the school is all well and good IF there is a counselor that will actually take some action. Not all school counselors are cut from the same cloth. I know our's is pretty much useless in these kinds of things.

My concern about not going to the parent, would be if the couple breaks up and the boy does something before the counselor has the opportunity to do something for him. Someone needs to be aware and keeping an eye on the kid.

Ohhhh, believe me, I do agree with you about school staff.... I have absolutely ZERO confidence.
But, that would def. have to be the first line of action.
No doubt, at all in my mind.
If there seems to be no response or improvement in the situation, then any further actions should be considered.

But, my experience with parents must be just the opposit of yours. And, this had absolutely nothing to do being accusatory or 'going one-on-one'. I was nothing but understanding and expressing concern in that one example that I mentioned.

Too many times, the apple does not fall far from the tree. And, the OP has already mentioned concerns, second thoughts, about this dad.

 

[Wishing on a star]

In this situation, I think it should be DD that tells the school counselor, not mom.

This is such a sucky situation for all. I would wait to get mom involved until it's absolutely necessary.

IMHO, it has become, at this time, 'absolutely necessary'.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I think I would tell someone that he made the threat. Either it would alert someone to his mental state, or if he was talked to about it he might learn that you shouldn't use a threat like that to try and manipulate someone.

 

[Offsides]

Some responsible adult in his life should know he is making those kind of threats. If his threat was serious, he needs help. If he was being dramatic, he needs to know that saying you're going to kill yourself is not a threat anybody should take lightly and is not okay to just say.

After someone is alerted to his mental state, have your DD break it off with him, if that is what she wants to do. It's a tough situation no matter which way you look at it At least this way, though, he will be kept safe (if he was, in fact, serious) and your daughter can get out of a relationship that sounds like it might need to be ended.