Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[DisneyJamieCA]

My children aren’t adults yet, so it’s still a hypothetical to me, but the way I feel now, is that I’d have no problem with them sharing a room, especially if they’re already living together. It boggles my mind that people would have a problem with a couple who already lives together…

For those that say no way, do you believe they actually stay separated all night?

 

[rigs32]

I would absolutely stay in a hotel rather than on a sofa or pull out bed that was in a common area if the host was not ok with me sharing a bed with my partner of 13 years. Getting married would be a financial burden for us, so I'm not going to sign up to have my taxes go up so that we can share a room.

There are some families that will be offended with the suggestion of a hotel stay in lieu of separate rooms and, in my opinion, that takes it from "respecting beliefs" to just wanting control. You laid out what you had to offer and the guests declined; you can't require that someone sleep in a common area for a visit which could hurt someone's back, give them no privacy, and affect their ability to sleep.

 

[soccerdad72]

I'm impressed with how many minds have been boggled on this thread.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

My husband and I were together 17 years before we got married so we’ve experienced this many, many times. We always slept in separate rooms to be respectful of our hosts, but then we’d sneak into their kitchen in the middle of the night to christen their counters, as a matter of principle.

I’m kidding. No one ever asked us to sleep separately. Guests in our home are free to choose their own sleeping arrangements.

 

[bookgirl]

What are your opinions on sleeping arrangements?

My daughter went to visit her boyfriend’s family and stayed there for several nights. She told me that she slept in his room and he slept on the sofa. They are both in their mid-twenties and live together, but aren’t married. I’m not sure who decided on the arrangement but it got me thinking…what exactly is proper etiquette?

My best friend’s son is having a baby with his girlfriend, yet she won’t allow the girlfriend to sleep over at all (and apparently really doesn’t want them in his room with the door closed either. They are both mid-twenties as well).

Before DD’s boyfriend moved in with her, he came to visit for a couple of weeks and DD said they would be renting an AirBnB for his stay. I really didn’t have a problem with him staying with us, but I thought about saying that he should stay in the guest room.

Just curious about other people’s experiences and opinions. TIA

I think it's stupid to put restriction on adults and sleeping arrangements and in my house I wouldn't make adults sleep apart.

Key words

Adults

My house

I would not let minors sleep in the same room, nor would I tell adults they can't sleep together.

As for anyone else's house;

I think in someone else's house they get to set the rules.

I also think they shouldn't be surprised or whine when their children move out and away or don't come back home to visit.

If you are in your twenties or up and live at home and complain that your parents won't let your SO sleep over then grow up, get your own place, and do what you want.
At that point also don't let your parents guilt you into visiting or living by their rules in your own place.

 

[ronandannette]

So much of the stress could be avoided with a hotel stay. The guests can visit during the day, relax at the hotel after. Everyone is comfortable.

Have you ever been in a similar situation to what's being discussed here? I think you're imagining it as being much more confrontational and dramatic than it actually is in real life.

And let’s be honest, the couple is much more likely to get busy at a hotel than in the parents guest room!

Right? Which is why DH and I rarely ever stay with friends or family even all these many years later. I was actually thinking of starting a spin-off from this thread along the lines of "Regardless of age or stage, are you comfortable having sex in your parent's home?"

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Which is why DH and I rarely ever stay with friends or family even all these many years later. I was actually thinking of starting a spin-off from this thread along the lines of "Regardless of age or stage, are you comfortable having sex in your parent's home?"

May I ask then what your 'deeply-held convictions' that you would be 'maintaining the sanctity of {y}our home'? Are you concerned that your guests may have sexual relations in your home while unmarried?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don’t think asking adults to sleep in separate rooms/beds is necessarily imposing your views on them. Especially from what I’ve read in this thread it seems to me that people are very accepting of how others live their lives…just not in their house.

The reasons why people are against it may be more about imposing their views. The very nature of telling someone you don't accept them staying in the same room because they are unmarried is imposing your view (that you need to be legally married in order to sleep in the same bed when you're around you). I even hesitate to say impose but really intent or not that may end up being what it feels like. And I don't think people are out there being malicious about it either.

As a general statement it's not very accepting of someone's lifestyle if you basically say "not around me". That reminds me of people who say "I don't mind those who are part of the Community so long as they aren't in my face about it" (meaning hand-holding, kissing, hugging, etc). And no I'm not equating those who are against sleeping in the same room to mean those people have that same view at all about those who are part of the Community but rather the statement reminded me of when I've heard it said for a different thing.

 

[ronandannette]

May I ask then what your 'deeply-held convictions' that you would be 'maintaining the sanctity of {y}our home'? Are you concerned that your guests may have sexual relations in your home while unmarried?

That's not near nuanced enough actually but to quote the specific Bible verse that instructs avoiding any suggestion of impropriety isn't allowed here, nor do I want to start any debate in that direction. I presume you were asking a sincere question and I hope you also take this answer in that same spirit.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I presume you were asking a sincere question and I hope you also take this answer in that same spirit.

Yes and of course yes

Thank you for leading me in the direction of where you were coming from

 

[ronandannette]

The reasons why people are against it may be more about imposing their views. The very nature of telling someone you don't accept them staying in the same room because they are unmarried is imposing your view (that you need to be legally married in order to sleep in the same bed when you're around you). I even hesitate to say impose but really intent or not that may end up being what it feels like. And I don't think people are out there being malicious about it either.

As a general statement it's not very accepting of someone's lifestyle if you basically say "not around me". That reminds me of people who say "I don't mind those who are part of the Community so long as they aren't in my face about it" (meaning hand-holding, kissing, hugging, etc). And no I'm not equating those who are against sleeping in the same room to mean those people have that same view at all about those who are part of the Community but rather the statement reminded me of when I've heard it said for a different thing.

OK, if that's your definition of imposition, then yes, all our kids and close family and friends know perfectly well what we approve of and what we don't. They also know not to bother trying to insist we approve just like we know none of them need our permission for anything and we don't interfere in their choices. It seems pretty hard for some of you to imagine but we really are able to maintain great relationships with our loved ones and some of our differences run much, much deeper than whether or not they cohabitate.

 

[Kae]

I think a lot of it is control-I'm talking about kids staying at their parents' house. Those living with someone not just dating.

 

[robinb]

I think that respect is a two-way street.

If you are indeed known for having strongly held beliefs about premarital sex then I would assume that returning adult children would know that and wouldn't even ask to room together. That is them showing respect for you. It is also respectful to offer separate sleeping arrangements to a couple you know would not want to sleep in the same room.

Conversely, I feel that is disrespectful to adult couples who are living together or in a long term relationship to insist that they take separate rooms. That casts aspirations on their relationship and can shame the visiting BF/GF, making them feel "less than" because they are not yet married. On the same vein, it would be disrespectful for the couple who had been separated for the night to sneak into each other's room for some nookie.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It seems pretty hard for some of you to imagine but we really are able to maintain great relationships with our loved ones and some of our differences run much, much deeper than whether or not they cohabitate.

With all due respect that's not something I feel like I've said I don't think you or anyone else have/has a poor relationship with people just because you have a rule that if you're unmarried you don't sleep in the same room if they are staying at your home. I think it's fair to say it could be affected (general way not to any one person in particular) but I don't make the automatic assumption that it is.

if that's your definition of imposition, then yes, all our kids and close family and friends know perfectly well what we approve of and what we don't

Telling someone "you're not married you need to sleep separately, I believe/don't believe in ________" is imposing your view. You have a belief, you want others to abide by that belief by doing/not doing X. If you define it as something else to you personally please don't hesitate to clarify. And for me I'm not saying it in a positive or negative way.

 

[AndreaDM]

Hubby and I have been together for almost 30 years. I call him hubby but we are not legally married, I wear a wedding band and we don't go around announcing we aren't married (cause it's not anyone's business). When we first started living together and went to visit his parents, we offered to sleep in separate rooms as they are super conservative. They, however, had no problem with us sleeping in the same room. I'm pretty sure they have forgotten by this point that we aren't married. My parents never had a problem with any of us 6 kids, sleeping in the same room with our significant other. I certainly didn't have a problem with my son sleeping with girlfriends and/or his fiancee any time they stayed with us. We pretty much go by the my house my rules premise. It certainly wouldn't stop us from visiting someone if they didn't want us to sleep in the same room, frankly after almost 30 years of sleeping together, a night without fighting snoring and kicking isn't a bad thing.

Yeah a lot of people, especially friends we've met since we've been together assume we are married. It's only when they realize my last name is different that they ask which is odd to me, so many women these days don't change their last names. As a PP stated, it would increase our taxes significantly and lower my DD's financial aid if we were to get married.

Anyway, to stay on topic, back to fornicating in our childhood bunkbeds!

 

[tzolkin]

I see lots of "don't make the kids uncomfortable" ... "don't make them live differently than they do outside of your home". What about the kids making their parents comfortable in their own home, not asking the parents to accept things they aren't willing to accept?

Shouldn't both sides be trying to get along?
If these people have a lasting relationship, should a couple nights sleeping apart make a difference?

When I was younger, I had boyfriends who occasionally stayed overnight at my parents' house -- the sofa was always an assumption. I never dated anyone who would have wanted to "rock the boat" or make anyone uncomfortable.
No one earns respect by going against their own beliefs. That's hypocritical.

I do agree that it should not be completely one sided and both parties should look for a middle ground and have a discussion about their feelings, but the issue for the guest couple is not that they have to sleep in separate rooms for a night or two. Of course, that's not a big deal. The deeper issue is that their parents do not accept their relationship. To me, knowing that your parents deeply disapprove of your life is more "uncomfortable" than the uncomfortable feeling a host may get from having an unmarried couple sleep in the same room.

I'm looking at it specifically for long term relationships where the couple live together. Assuming an occasional boyfriend would be sleeping on the couch is not the same (in my opinion) as a couple who has been living together and essentially living a "married" life without it being officially recognized. I know many couples, especially same sex couples, who have been together for decades but were not legally married.

I think if a couple have been together for 20 years and have a family together, insisting that they sleep in separate rooms is really just trying to push your beliefs and make them feel unwelcome and unaccepted. You're telling them that you refuse to recognize their relationship as valid (but two 18 year olds who eloped last week would be perfectly acceptable to you).

Hubby and I have been together for almost 30 years. I call him hubby but we are not legally married, I wear a wedding band and we don't go around announcing we aren't married (cause it's not anyone's business). When we first started living together and went to visit his parents, we offered to sleep in separate rooms as they are super conservative. They, however, had no problem with us sleeping in the same room. I'm pretty sure they have forgotten by this point that we aren't married.

Your situation is why I'm curious about people's feelings on the topic. I'm one of maybe a handful of people who know that my boss is not legally married (I do the HR/tax stuff so he told me for that reason). All of their friends and family think that he and his "wife" are married (they had a wedding ceremony and reception, but did not get legally married). They have been "married" for years and recently had a baby. If they stayed at someone's home who didn't allow unmarried couples to sleep in the same room, would it make sense to put them in that category because they do not have a legal piece of paper? Or should they be treated as a married couple because they made vows and have been living as such for years?

I understand the religious objection, but I feel like if you're making a religious objection then any marriage that doesn't fit a strict standard of marriage within your religious framework would not be acceptable, so where do you draw the line? Do you allow couples to sleep in the same room who have been divorced/remarried? What about civil/non-religious weddings? What about same sex married couples? Etc.

 

[Uncle Coaster]

The reasons why people are against it may be more about imposing their views. The very nature of telling someone you don't accept them staying in the same room because they are unmarried is imposing your view (that you need to be legally married in order to sleep in the same bed when you're around you). I even hesitate to say impose but really intent or not that may end up being what it feels like. And I don't think people are out there being malicious about it either.

As a general statement it's not very accepting of someone's lifestyle if you basically say "not around me". That reminds me of people who say "I don't mind those who are part of the Community so long as they aren't in my face about it" (meaning hand-holding, kissing, hugging, etc). And no I'm not equating those who are against sleeping in the same room to mean those people have that same view at all about those who are part of the Community but rather the statement reminded me of when I've heard it said for a different thing.

I hear what you are saying even if I don’t agree. I guess I just define imposing as being as being more forceful than not in my house.

However, I do hear you and I hope that the topic would have been discussed in a loving and understanding way long before it became an issue.

This all comes from somebody who absolutely has disappointed his parents with his relationship status and while I know I have disappointed and they “disapprove” I have never felt anything less than love and understanding.

 

[GoingSince1990]

That's what happens when you open up a controversial discussion. When I read the title I could smell the popcorn. I will say though it's amusing to have such heated debates on a Disney forum.

Mickey and Minnie not only have separate rooms, but separate houses, at least in Toontown in Disneyland. That should keep the sticklers for old-fashioned propriety happy.

 

[Renarr]

I agree, the world is a different place compared to the early 1900's.

Man, I should contact Guinness about my parents if they're old enough to have kids born in the early 1900s.

 

[fly girl]

Oh yay, a fun thread! Can't sit on the sidelines with this one.

Dh and I lived together before we got married. It was not something we planned, but both of my roommates transferred to different cities with our company so that left me without roommates in a 2 bedroom apartment I couldn't afford alone. I searched for roommates in the area, but I moved from AZ so I didn't know anyone except people that I worked with. When I couldn't find the right fit, dh suggested I just move in with him. Best choice at the time, and one neither of us regrets. We have been together for 24 years, lived together for 22.9, married 21.

Both of our parents loved our choice in our partner. No ill will was had. None of them were doing cartwheels that we moved in together, but they weren't condemning it either. They said you are an adult and who are we to tell you how to live your lives.

With all that said. Until we got married, we always slept in separate bedrooms when we visited our parents. It was out of respect. We didn't care. We understood. We didn't feel slighted, disrespected, or had an ounce of negative feelings. We got it! It wasn't a big deal so many on here are making it out to be. I think we would have felt awkward sleeping in the same room anyway.

The only time we stayed at a hotel when seeing parents before marriage was when dh was activated for war. His parents house was an hour and a half away from base, and besides we didn't know how long he was going to be gone for and we wanted our time together. His parents never even questioned why we didn't stay at their place. It was a no brainer.

If they're already living together; why would you not "allow" them to sleep in the same room if they wanted. Are you just trying to make it uncomfortable and are hoping they don't stay with you in the future??? It seems so odd to me; that someone (parent or other) would try to dictate sleeping arrangements for 2 grown adults who seem to be responsible enough to pay their own bills.

I'm also very much against pressuring ppl. into marriage, so I guess that's part of my perspective.

Never felt uncomfortable. I guess it is just a different viewpoint. And no, they wanted us to stay over and we always did except for the one time I mentioned above.

And definitely never felt we were being dictated upon. And zero pressure to get married. (never any pressure for grandkids either, fwiw)

Wow, glad I don't have you all as parents! Feel sorry for your adult children though. Do you feel good about shaming them into sleeping apart? What is your goal? Do you not want them to be with the partners they have chosen?

Wow! I am so happy to see you are judging my parents and in-laws without even knowing them. They never shamed, EVER! They just had a different viewpoint. And yes, my in-laws loved me. I miss both of them dearly. They welcomed me into their family with open arms. And my parents adore my husband. I think sometimes more than me!

I agree but would go a bit farther and say that it is shaming. The older I get the more I recognize how damaging it is to relationships to put shame onto those we care about.

Not once did either of us feel shame. I just don't see that side at all. You may, and I respect that. Our relationships weren't damaged one iota. NOT ONE!!

Maybe my perspective is different. Maybe we are the odd ones. But I think people are making a huge mountain out of a mole hill on this.

It boggles my mind that people would have a problem with a couple who already lives together…

For those that say no way, do you believe they actually stay separated all night?

I think it was a generational thing. I know my parents, they are not very religious at all, yet they both asked until your married separate rooms. I got it. I didn't think twice about it. I wasn't offended, or shamed. I felt that I was visiting them and I respected their wishes. It wasn't a big deal. And absolutely we actually stayed separated all night. It wasn't as big of a deal as everyone is making it out to be.

HOWEVER ...

I think there is a factor in my story vs. what some are referring to. I met the parents, moved in with my dh, engaged, and married in 3 years. It wasn't like we lived together for 5+ years. It was for a short time before we got married. Maybe that is why I don't see the big deal, and others see it is as a problem.

Yes, if you are in your late 20's and up, established job/career, living with someone for an extended period of time (example 5 years) and still wanting separate rooms on visits I would say it is a little odd. I still don't see it as a huge ordeal, but I guess it depends on the dynamics of the relationships between the parties.

To me it really comes down to the fact that every family/household has their own rules. If you don't like the rules, stay somewhere else.