Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[Piglet99645]

I can't even finish reading this thread because I ran out of popcorn, but I just keep thinking WHO HAS ENOUGH ROOM IN THEIR HOUSE FOR TWO GUEST ROOMS??? I don't even have one at the moment.

And if you only have one guest room, I think it's rude to make one person of a couple sleep on the couch.

But if the goal is for them not to visit, have at it.

"How many beds should I clear off" is the most anyone ever asked of me when I visited home.

 

[disykat]

My adult unmarried son and his girlfriend have always sleot in seperate rooms in our home. We've never said a word or given direction, they just choose seperate spaces. They obviously choose to respect our beliefs in our home. We have also never said a negative word about the fact they live together. We respect their beliefs in their home. No hypocrisy here.

 

[disykat]

I can't even finish reading this thread because I ran out of popcorn, but I just keep thinking WHO HAS ENOUGH ROOM IN THEIR HOUSE FOR TWO GUEST ROOMS??? I don't even have one at the moment.

And if you only have one guest room, I think it's rude to make one person of a couple sleep on the couch.

But if the goal is for them not to visit, have at it.

"How many beds should I clear off" is the most anyone ever asked of me when I visited home.

Most people whose adult children used to live in those bedrooms? I never had a guest room - until the kids moved out!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Most people whose adult children used to live in those bedrooms? I never had a guest room - until the kids moved out!

To be fair they were talking about 2 guest rooms. I think if you invite someone to stay at your home presumably have a room for them but it would probably be less common to have 2 rooms available with beds in both rooms so I believe that's where the PP's couch comment came into play.

It probably depends on just how many children you have and how many rooms you have. We have 5 bedrooms but one is on the main level and is the office, another is the cat's room, another is the functioning guest room and another is the room that has my bookshelves and luggage and random other stuff. I could in a pinch move enough stuff around in that last room and put up the air mattress if need be but it's not like the other room that has a bed in it (and that bedroom has a bathroom attached).

When I moved out of my mom's house (a 3 bedroom home) for good she turned my room into her second closet (complete with clothing racks lol) but later on last year turned it into an office space. The other bedroom where my sister used to live has been rented out several times to renters but is empty now. That would be the functioning guest room. Right now she doesn't have the bed frame and bed up but could if someone was coming over. Effectively she started with 2 kids, 2 bedrooms but only has 1 room that would end up being a guest room and has always been the case even though she had 2 kids.

 

[goofyernmost]

My adult unmarried son and his girlfriend have always sleot in seperate rooms in our home. We've never said a word or given direction, they just choose seperate spaces. They obviously choose to respect our beliefs in our home. We have also never said a negative word about the fact they live together. We respect their beliefs in their home. No hypocrisy here.

Or felt that they had too. There is a big difference in those two things. One is voluntary and the other is done to keep peace in the family. It's not respect for you, it is respect for the person they care about and don't want to cause unnecessary stress. So you kind of get your way, but you also don't get much in the line of visits. Believe me, your son knows how that might upset you. Sometimes, never said a word, speaks volumes.

 

[tzolkin]

For a really great insight, re-read @fly girl's posts. She put it very, very well from the perspective of someone who's actually dealt with the situation.

I think flygirl did give a good description from the guest child perspective. I had a similar upbringing to what's probably the norm in your home. I would NEVER have slept in the same room at my parent's house with my husband pre-marriage. Like you and flygirl, I also did not think it was a big deal at the time. I knew those were their values and I felt that I should be respectful of their wishes and not make them uncomfortable in their own home.

That said, it looks like flygirl was living together unmarried for less than two years. So, sleeping in separate rooms temporarily for a few visits is not really anything to cause a conflict or debate over. My husband and I were dating/engaged for 4 years, but we knew we were getting married as soon as we graduated college so their was an end in sight and we were happy to comply with my parents' house rules. However, if my husband and I had been living as a committed couple for 20+ years, had children and the same life we do now but had just not legally been married, I do think it would be a bit ridiculous if my parents made us sleep in separate rooms and refused to recognize us as a legitimate couple. Or if we were a same sex couple and they didn't agree with it so insisted on separate sleeping arrangements forever. In those two situations, I think a discussion would be necessary. To me, that would be a source of contention and would feel like a passive aggressive way to show their disapproval.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

When I was in college my then-boyfriend now husband for close to 2 years staying in my old room, in my old childhood bedroom at my mom's house. I followed the money so I sometimes worked in my college town and lived back home which was located 30miles away on breaks and summer when the dorms were closed and often enough on the weekends because commuting would have cost a lot of gas money. That is until my junior and senior year of college when I got an apartment in my college town and no longer had a reason to stay overnight at my mom's house. Then when I graduated and moved back home for 9 months I was back in my childhood room and yes my boyfriend stayed overnight. My mom never had an issue with it, and I guess I never thought to mention that I was literally in the situation for several years. Admittedly no I have not had a relative host request separate rooms although there was a "maybe she will" the very first time we visited my husband's grandmother in STL but that was within a few months of us dating. She ended up having no problems with it. I would have been understanding back then just due to the dynamics.

But like I just said in my comment sexual relations..weren't happening (and still wouldn't be happening even though we're married). It was just us staying together. My mother-in-law did have an issue with it when I first was dating my husband due to her younger child (I gave the example there and how she didn't care several years later in a hypocritical way). We have had a few guests over at our home. If my sister-in-law (either one) wanted to be over at our home and stay in our guest room we would not care if their boyfriends stayed with them. I've been on both sides of the situation. I think the only thing I can't speak to is physically having a child in this situation but presently my opinion wouldn't change that we don't care if our guests sleep in the same room. I'll fully put it out there never say never perhaps I'll do a 180 when adult children come back to my home.

I don't think I would have felt differently about wanting to sleep in the same room as my boyfriend at my mom's house if she had an issue with it. Long-term I would have had to figure out a different solution because it wouldn't have just been a few days. I was raised to have a high respect for elders but as an adult I also feel respect should go towards me too so that is a situation where I can't say I would just acquiesce for months or years on end all the time even back when I was young.

ETA: I should add that's kinda why I put in my first comment "When I was first dating my husband when I was 19 and he 18 I would have been a different story but not long after that I would have chosen to stay elsewhere." and repeated it would IMO be the best solution. If finances dictated I couldn't afford a hotel room I suppose I would as someone else say suck it up buttercup and just know for the future a hotel room is where I need to stay and save up for that if I'm repeat visiting. But if I know in advance (and this goes for how I was even in my early 20s) I would have totally respected how you (general you) feel about the situation but would have chosen to stay elsewhere if your condition was we sleep separately. I guess I look at it as we're both saying what is important to us in different ways?

Thank you for sharing your background. I think it was the 'the perspective of someone who's actually dealt with the situation' I was reacting to, it sounded condescending even though I know that was never at all the intent (and I'm not trying to stir anything up just saying why I asked). I would agree you're normally an open book (so not a wrong assumption) but even open book people aren't always open book all the time or tell all all the time. Okay that's all I wanted to say on that

 

[sk!mom]

Not once did either of us feel shame. I just don't see that side at all. You may, and I respect that. Our relationships weren't damaged one iota. NOT ONE!!

Maybe my perspective is different. Maybe we are the odd ones. But I think people are making a huge mountain out of a mole hill on this.

I’m glad that your experience was positive but I also recognize that it isn’t for everyone. I’m surprised that you don’t know any unmarried couples who visited home less due to their parents view of their relationship. Ask a few same sex couples if they avoided visiting family or always choose a hotel.

Maybe Google “Purity culture recovery” and see if it gives you some new insight into the feelings of some.

I do think it would be a bit ridiculous if my parents made us sleep in separate rooms and refused to recognize us as a legitimate couple. Or if we were a same sex couple and they didn't agree with it so insisted on separate sleeping arrangements forever. In those two situations, I think a discussion would be necessary. To me, that would be a source of contention and would feel like a passive aggressive way to show their disapproval.

For me, it IS an issue of seeming to not recognize and respect an adult’s relationship. Of seeming to passively shame a couple’s lifestyle.

I am curious if those who have a moral objection or are protecting the “sanctity” of their home, how would you handle a same sex couple? Would marital status make a difference?

 

[fly girl]

I think flygirl did give a good description from the guest child perspective. I had a similar upbringing to what's probably the norm in your home. I would NEVER have slept in the same room at my parent's house with my husband pre-marriage. Like you and flygirl, I also did not think it was a big deal at the time. I knew those were their values and I felt that I should be respectful of their wishes and not make them uncomfortable in their own home.

That said, it looks like flygirl was living together unmarried for less than two years. So, sleeping in separate rooms temporarily for a few visits is not really anything to cause a conflict or debate over. My husband and I were dating/engaged for 4 years, but we knew we were getting married as soon as we graduated college so their was an end in sight and we were happy to comply with my parents' house rules. However, if my husband and I had been living as a committed couple for 20+ years, had children and the same life we do now but had just not legally been married, I do think it would be a bit ridiculous if my parents made us sleep in separate rooms and refused to recognize us as a legitimate couple. Or if we were a same sex couple and they didn't agree with it so insisted on separate sleeping arrangements forever. In those two situations, I think a discussion would be necessary. To me, that would be a source of contention and would feel like a passive aggressive way to show their disapproval.

Exactly this! You put it perfectly how I meant it to be.

I’ll admit I never thought of long term relationships when first reading the threads as my mind just didn’t go there. None of my family/friends have had that issue that I know of. And I have several friends who have been together for years 15+ (with and without kids) and separate rooms when visiting parents was never a topic. I would have to agree that a long term relationship like that, but still not allowed to sleep in same room when visiting would be a red flag. The family member prohibiting it has deeper issues than marriage. Then I could agree with posters that said it was demeaning and shaming.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Sometimes, never said a word, speaks volumes.

Yes, not saying a word can also mean not being supportive (or other things).

Wonder what the son and his girlfriend would have done if the person had said 'oh you don't have to sleep separately, it's fine' or 'I made the guest room up for both of you'.

From the comments 'They obviously choose to respect our beliefs in our home.' they seemed aware already of how they would have felt. And saying 'We have also never said a negative word about the fact they live together.' sounds like they seemed aware already of how they felt about the living arrangement.

Could have easily been an avoidance of outright conflict rather than how the couple really felt.

 

[fly girl]

I’m glad that your experience was positive but I also recognize that it isn’t for everyone. I’m surprised that you don’t know any unmarried couples who visited home less due to their parents view of their relationship. Ask a few same sex couples if they avoided visiting family or always choose a hotel.

Maybe Google “Purity culture recovery” and see if it gives you some new insight into the feelings of some.




For me, it IS an issue of seeming to not recognize and respect an adult’s relationship. Of seeming to passively shame a couple’s lifestyle.

I am curious if those who have a moral objection or are protecting the “sanctity” of their home, how would you handle a same sex couple? Would marital status make a difference?

I know several same sex couples, and I know a few were allowed to sleep in same room (they had been together for 8+ years) and some who were in new relationships that slept separately as we did. When talking to me, I never heard of a rift over it, but I wasn’t their best friend either so maybe they didn’t share every detail.

I clearly said I respect others feelings. Telling me to google sounds very condescending. It’s not as if I said my viewpoint is the only correct one. I said for me, it wasn’t an issue.

 

[cjlong88]

Or felt that they had too. There is a big difference in those two things. One is voluntary and the other is done to keep peace in the family. It's not respect for you, it is respect for the person they care about and don't want to cause unnecessary stress. So you kind of get your way, but you also don't get much in the line of visits. Believe me, your son knows how that might upset you. Sometimes, never said a word, speaks volumes.

I can 100% attest to this from personal experience. Saying nothing isn’t always agreeing. Sometimes it’s the only way to get through the situation without causing an awkward or potentially damaging conversation.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thank you for sharing your background. I think it was the 'the perspective of someone who's actually dealt with the situation' I was reacting to, it sounded condescending even though I know that was never at all the intent (and I'm not trying to stir anything up just saying why I asked). I would agree you're normally an open book (so not a wrong assumption) but even open book people aren't always open book all the time or tell all all the time. Okay that's all I wanted to say on that

You're fine. I don't think the other poster really meant anything by it (also knowing her posting/interaction history). Generally yeah I'm pretty forthright and I guess in this case I just hadn't thought to "tell all" like you put it. My husband and I dated for 4 1/2 years before getting engaged, we had a 9 month engagement.

I probably seem like a weird person that we wanted to have separate residences before marriage but spend the night with each other every night (including at my mom's house or other places we had ended up staying overnight) if that was possible but there's so much more about sleeping next to your significant other than what another poster said other people have their "mind in the gutter". I guess that's a reason why I felt a certain way about having the respect as an adult. There was a different level of intimacy, a level of comfort. I've spent many nights without my husband while he's been away on field assignments (though that happened after we got married) and when he was still in college and I had already graduated, it isn't like we can't do it. But we don't prefer to, we find mutual comfort in being with each other (and was the case before marriage), so given the opportunity we'll find a place that will allow us to. Sometimes I think that aspect gets lost in the conversation, the part about why a couple would prefer to sleep in the same room and it ain't always about knocking boots

 

[Orion Nebula]

I can't even finish reading this thread because I ran out of popcorn, but I just keep thinking WHO HAS ENOUGH ROOM IN THEIR HOUSE FOR TWO GUEST ROOMS??? I don't even have one at the moment.

And if you only have one guest room, I think it's rude to make one person of a couple sleep on the couch.

But if the goal is for them not to visit, have at it.

"How many beds should I clear off" is the most anyone ever asked of me when I visited home.

Lots of people... but most I would guess are from being converted as the kids move out.

 

[fly girl]

Oh I think there is some confusion. When I said blanket statement I thought maybe that you thought the posters who said shaming, disrespectful and damaging to relationships were talking about every situation where this has happened or where people feel this way to guests and that's why you were saying people were making a it a big deal when it really wasn't to you. I wasn't think you were making a blanket statement about everyone I'm sorry if I messed that conversation up! I think we're okay now in understanding

Definitely a miscommunication. I am horrible at writing ... clearly.

 

[sk!mom]

I clearly said I respect others feelings. Telling me to google sounds very condescending. It’s not as if I said my viewpoint is the only correct one. I said for me, it wasn’t an issue.

I guess to me this statement, “But I think people are making a huge mountain out of a mole hill on this.” Seemed to show a lack of respect and understanding of other’s feelings.

I’m sorry that you found my Google suggestion condescending. I was genuinely trying to share a viewpoint that might clear up why the issue
Isn’t a “mole hill” to some.

 

[fly girl]

I guess to me this statement, “But I think people are making a huge mountain out of a mole hill on this.” Seemed to show a lack of respect and understanding of other’s feelings.

I’m sorry that you found my Google suggestion condescending. I was genuinely trying to share a viewpoint that might clear up why the issue
Isn’t a “mole hill” to some.

Go back and read my post #137. I cleared up the molehill comment. I know that came out wrong and I apologized for it. It definitely did not read the way I meant it too.

Sorry about that, I know I am guilty of not reading every post too. You probably didn't see it.

 

[ronandannette]

Or felt that they had too. There is a big difference in those two things. One is voluntary and the other is done to keep peace in the family. It's not respect for you, it is respect for the person they care about and don't want to cause unnecessary stress. So you kind of get your way, but you also don't get much in the line of visits. Believe me, your son knows how that might upset you. Sometimes, never said a word, speaks volumes.

How on earth do you know how often the adult children in this family visit their parents?

I can 100% attest to this from personal experience. Saying nothing isn’t always agreeing. Sometimes it’s the only way to get through the situation without causing an awkward or potentially damaging conversation.

No, it certainly isn’t and that goes both ways. People in my life don’t always agree or approve of what I do. I don’t need their permission or approval and a constant dialogue on our differences isn’t welcome. It’s the same for us when we don’t agree with others. We keep our traps shut and maintain our relationships based on the love and commonalities we do have. It’s really not too hard.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Here's an interesting side question. What if you are ok with your adult children and their partner being together at your house in the same room, but the partner's parents AREN'T? Do you ask or suggest they sleep separately out of respect for the partner's parent? Or let them sleep in the same bed and just never bring it up in conversation with the partner's parent?

Personally, I'd probably go with option B.

 

[ronandannette]

Here's an interesting side question. What if you are ok with your adult children and their partner being together at your house in the same room, but the partner's parents AREN'T? Do you ask or suggest they sleep separately out of respect for the partner's parent? Or let them sleep in the same bed and just never bring it up in conversation with the partner's parent?

Personally, I'd probably go with option B.

Sounds like something to be dealt with between the partner and his/her parents; no business of mine and it wouldn't change what I was doing or not doing in my home.