Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[DisneyJamieCA]

Here's an interesting side question. What if you are ok with your adult children and their partner being together at your house in the same room, but the partner's parents AREN'T? Do you ask or suggest they sleep separately out of respect for the partner's parent? Or let them sleep in the same bed and just never bring it up in conversation with the partner's parent?

Personally, I'd probably go with option B.

B. If they are adults, they can make the choices most appropriate for them and where they’re staying. What happens at their partner’s parent’s house would be between them and those parents. Just like I wouldn’t expect the other set of parents to make decisions based on my feelings.

 

[NotUrsula]

Saw this thread last night, and wasn't in a position to post at the time, but having pondered it overnight ...

Yes, there is a faith-related reason why people might feel that unmarried guests sharing a bed in *their* (the hosts') home was unacceptable even if the guests lived together in their own home. I cannot go into the theology of it here, but to draw an analogy, it's somewhat akin to the question of whether adults who give permission for underage drinking in their home are doing something wrong even if the minors don't actually choose to drink. (And yes, I understand that underage drinking is illegal in the secular sense. Again, it's an analogy, it requires extrapolation.) If I know that my hosts have such a belief, and they are family or friends, then I'm going to honor their convictions and either accept separate sleeping arrangements or stay elsewhere.

I ran into a situation some years back that took the original scenario of this thread one step further: what if the host is aware that the guests are married, but NOT to one another? I took the somewhat controversial position of making it clear to a family connection that while I was happy to recommend hotels, I really did not feel comfortable abetting adultery in my home. (To be clear, I did *NOT* invite this "couple" -- he asked my DH if they could stay here when in town to go to the family member's class reunion. They were well able to afford to stay in a hotel, they just did not want to incur the expense.)

 

[sk!mom]

Saw this thread last night, and wasn't in a position to post at the time, but having pondered it overnight ...

Yes, there is a faith-related reason why people might feel that unmarried guests sharing a bed in *their* (the hosts') home was unacceptable even if the guests lived together in their own home. I cannot go into the theology of it here, but to draw an analogy, it's somewhat akin to the question of whether adults who give permission for underage drinking in their home are doing something wrong even if the minors don't actually choose to drink. (And yes, I understand that underage drinking is illegal in the secular sense. Again, it's an analogy, it requires extrapolation.) If I know that my hosts have such a belief, and they are family or friends, then I'm going to honor their convictions and either accept separate sleeping arrangements or stay elsewhere.

I ran into a situation some years back that took the original scenario of this thread one step further: what if the host is aware that the guests are married, but NOT to one another? I took the somewhat controversial position of making it clear to a family connection that while I was happy to recommend hotels, I really did not feel comfortable abetting adultery in my home. (To be clear, I did *NOT* invite this "couple" -- he asked my DH if they could stay here when in town to go to the family member's class reunion. They were well able to afford to stay in a hotel, they just did not want to incur the expense.)

I would not get in the middle of a messy situation so no, I wouldn’t let my house be the meet up for a cheating couple.

 

[ronandannette]

Saw this thread last night, and wasn't in a position to post at the time, but having pondered it overnight ...

Yes, there is a faith-related reason why people might feel that unmarried guests sharing a bed in *their* (the hosts') home was unacceptable even if the guests lived together in their own home. I cannot go into the theology of it here, but to draw an analogy, it's somewhat akin to the question of whether adults who give permission for underage drinking in their home are doing something wrong even if the minors don't actually choose to drink. (And yes, I understand that underage drinking is illegal in the secular sense. Again, it's an analogy, it requires extrapolation.) If I know that my hosts have such a belief, and they are family or friends, then I'm going to honor their convictions and either accept separate sleeping arrangements or stay elsewhere.

I ran into a situation some years back that took the original scenario of this thread one step further: what if the host is aware that the guests are married, but NOT to one another? I took the somewhat controversial position of making it clear to a family connection that while I was happy to recommend hotels, I really did not feel comfortable abetting adultery in my home. (To be clear, I did *NOT* invite this "couple" -- he asked my DH if they could stay here when in town to go to the family member's class reunion. They were well able to afford to stay in a hotel, they just did not want to incur the expense.)

Oh HECK no and it doesn't take any particular religious sentiment to inform that decision.

 

[disykat]

Or felt that they had too. There is a big difference in those two things. One is voluntary and the other is done to keep peace in the family. It's not respect for you, it is respect for the person they care about and don't want to cause unnecessary stress. So you kind of get your way, but you also don't get much in the line of visits. Believe me, your son knows how that might upset you. Sometimes, never said a word, speaks volumes.

Okay, seriously? They choose to visit, they choose separate rooms. You won't be happy unless i insist they sleep together? Why is it a bad thing that they choose separate rooms, most likely with the intent not to upset us? We simply haven't had any conflict over this. We only live 3 hours apart and could see each other without them staying over, but they still choose to.

People can actually have good relationships despite sometimes having different feelings, beliefs, opinions, whatever. I'm not sure why some people think that's impossible.

And for what it's worth, my nephews, a same sex couple, slept apart at my house when they were single and sleep together now that they are married. It wasn't a big deal and they did the same at some other family's homes. They also choose to visit regularly.

Not sure why people think this HAS to be an issue.

 

[cjlong88]

No, it certainly isn’t and that goes both ways. People in my life don’t always agree or approve of what I do. I don’t need their permission or approval and a constant dialogue on our differences isn’t welcome. It’s the same for us when we don’t agree with others. We keep our traps shut and maintain our relationships based on the love and commonalities we do have. It’s really not too hard.

I appreciate what you are saying, and I agree. I don't need permission or approval from anyone to live my life as I see fit. But as someone who has experienced being asked to do things differently because of who I am or my relationship, it doesn't feel good to be disapproved of, especially when it comes from parents or in-laws. I guess it's nice to have their approval because I love them and they have my 100% approval no matter what they do or what they believe or how different we are from each other. I can move beyond anything they may say or do or believe because they are my family and I would do anything for them. But it's nice to get what you give, so if I give that to them, I would hope that they give it back (and they do).

Personally, when I invite someone into my home, they are my guest, and I want them to feel comfortable. If they sleep together, fine. If they would like to sleep apart, fine. If they would rather get a hotel, fine. That's just being a good host. And I can always choose not to host someone in my house if something about them staying in my house in the way they would like really bothers me that much. If it's my problem, I'm not going to impose a solution that requires THEM to make the change. And maybe couples don't mind sleeping apart. But not everyone is going to accept a request or a rule like that without thinking that the host has a problem with them or their relationship. And maybe you've never had that problem in your family or life. If so, that's awesome! But for a lot of us that hasn't been the case.

And I guess we can just shrug it off and ignore it, but it still feels uncomfortable when people wouldn't want me and my partner to sleep in the same room for whatever reason.

I can see we don't agree, and that is totally fine. I'm glad we can discuss this respectfully rather than it escalating. It's your house and you can choose to do what you will.

 

[ronandannette]

I appreciate what you are saying, and I agree. I don't need permission or approval from anyone to live my life as I see fit. But as someone who has experienced being asked to do things differently because of who I am or my relationship, it doesn't feel good to be disapproved of, especially when it comes from parents or in-laws. I guess it's nice to have their approval because I love them and they have my 100% approval no matter what they do or what they believe or how different we are from each other. I can move beyond anything they may say or do or believe because they are my family and I would do anything for them. But it's nice to get what you give, so if I give that to them, I would hope that they give it back (and they do).

Personally, when I invite someone into my home, they are my guest, and I want them to feel comfortable. If they sleep together, fine. If they would like to sleep apart, fine. If they would rather get a hotel, fine. That's just being a good host. And I can always choose not to host someone in my house if something about them staying in my house in the way they would like really bothers me that much. If it's my problem, I'm not going to impose a solution that requires THEM to make the change. And maybe couples don't mind sleeping apart. But not everyone is going to accept a request or a rule like that without thinking that the host has a problem with them or their relationship. And maybe you've never had that problem in your family or life. If so, that's awesome! But for a lot of us that hasn't been the case.

And I guess we can just shrug it off and ignore it, but it still feels uncomfortable when people wouldn't want me and my partner to sleep in the same room for whatever reason.

I can see we don't agree, and that is totally fine. I'm glad we can discuss this respectfully rather than it escalating. It's your house and you can choose to do what you will.

Well said and of course there's no need to escalate anything - this is just a congenial discussion. Neither of us is bent on changing the other's mind.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Whoever owns the house gets to decide the sleeping arrangements. The end.

Yup...this is the deal. My husband and I were living together...engaged.....living in California in the late 90s, wedding date set, but we went back to NJ to visit our families before the wedding and split our stay between my parent's house....and my in-law's house. My parents...are more liberal in that department and so we were able to share a bedroom. At my very catholic Italian in-laws house....my then fiancé' slept in a bedroom in the basement, and I got the nicer "guest bedroom". I look back fondly on both of those experiences. But....100%....the owners of the home....make the rules.

 

[fly girl]

It has nothing to do with me being happy. It is about the couple being happy. What is accomplished by making a stand like that if they are already living together. All it does is let you get your way and like you said, you feel that you would need to say I want you to sleep together. Sticking one's head in the sand and pretending that nothing is happening elsewhere is just treating your adult child like he/she is still a child. Sleeping is the most innocent thing that two people can do, and you think they are going to have some type of orgy in that room in your house. It seems like you are the one that isn't showing any respect.

Believe me no one is going to make "noises" in their mothers house unless they hate you. That's were the respect comes into play.

We were happy sleeping in separate rooms! I even said before we would have felt weird sleeping in the same room. Nothing was accomplished, no grand stand was made. No parents were making a huge ordeal of it, getting their way treating us like little children. It was everyone's way, and none of us any issues with it. And from what I have read on here, my story isn't a lone case.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that some scenarios are different. It is on a case by case basis. But to say that couples aren't happy is not always correct.

 

[disykat]

It has nothing to do with me being happy. It is about the couple being happy. What is accomplished by making a stand like that if they are already living together. All it does is let you get your way and like you said, you feel that you would need to say I want you to sleep together. Sticking one's head in the sand and pretending that nothing is happening elsewhere is just treating your adult child like he/she is still a child. Sleeping is the most innocent thing that two people can do, and you think they are going to have some type of orgy in that room in your house. It seems like you are the one that isn't showing any respect.

Believe me no one is going to make "noises" in their mothers house unless they hate you. That's were the respect comes into play.

You quoted me but clearly haven't read my posts. I have never said anything to my adult children about their sex lives. They choose to sleep in separate rooms when thet visit, but somehow you and others here think that makes ME disrectful? Clearly only your input is welcome here, so I'll leave you to your insults.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But to say that couples aren't happy is not always correct.

I agree that it's not always the case, I think it's just probably fairly low in the amount of couples who would be happy about it. Fine with it, not wishing to make a big deal out of it, sure that I can see more, but you'll probably find less couples jumping for joy at sleeping separately because the place they are staying at requested that. I believe for you you said it was awkward to sleep together in your parents home. I think that's going to be the main reason if a couple says they are happy to sleep apart when they are advised (or know already) to sleep in separate rooms.

I *think* the comment about treating like a child was more about assuming the couple would be engaging in a certain activity at the parents house instead of just sleeping when said certain activity may/likely/could be going on elsewhere. So more like along the lines of "I don't want to even think about my kid engaging in that kind of activity" despite the fact that the kid in question was an adult in age. At least that's the way I read the comment to be about. I know most parents aren't oblivious but it can also be a "yeah..would rather not think about" type situation so in this case separate rooms may alleviate in some way that underlying thought (just talking out loud here). Aside from a religious objection I tend to think that's more where the uncomfortableness at the idea of the couple sharing the room even if the line somehow blurs typically when one is married, almost like it's socially expected for married, socially frowned up when not despite the fact that there are couples who aren't interested in that activity when in someone's home, it's like the "it could happen" I guess, maybe? IDK lol.

 

[goofyernmost]

We were happy sleeping in separate rooms! I even said before we would have felt weird sleeping in the same room. Nothing was accomplished, no grand stand was made. No parents were making a huge ordeal of it, getting their way treating us like little children. It was everyone's way, and none of us any issues with it. And from what I have read on here, my story isn't a lone case.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that some scenarios are different. It is on a case by case basis. But to say that couples aren't happy is not always correct.

We are not talking about what you decide you want to do. It is about what you are prohibited from doing by someone else that is still trying to keep control over you in the sense that they insist that you must fall in line with their feelings instead of the reality of the situation. That is were the offense comes in. If you decide that you feel better in separate rooms for whatever reason, even if it is to keep peace in the family, that is your choice not someone else's.

 

[goofyernmost]

You quoted me but clearly haven't read my posts. I have never said anything to my adult children about their sex lives. They choose to sleep in separate rooms when thet visit, but somehow you and others here think that makes ME disrectful? Clearly only your input is welcome here, so I'll leave you to your insults.

And you apparently have only read mine up to whatever point you disagree with. I have said over and over that if they decide that is what they want to do, that is ok and to quote something I just stated. It's when others attempt to control their actuality that it gets offensive to THEM not to you. If they are OK with it, and you are OK with it then why are you still getting defensive about it. If they disagree with you and want to share a room and you say something to the affect that this is my house and I will not have it, than you have that right too, however, it is like playing Russian Roulette, it could cause a deep divide that might not be able to be fixed.

 

[Kae]

I would think that unmarried children who live together the last thing on their mind is getting busy while staying at their parents house

 

[Julie's Haircut]

I couldn't care less what guests do in my spare bedroom when they stay over, but whoever owns the house can set their own rules.

Most unmarried kids are or should be aware of their parents' views. Don't like it? Stay elsewhere when visiting.

 

[Marrila]

I couldn't care less what guests do in my spare bedroom when they stay over, but whoever owns the house can set their own rules.

Most unmarried kids are or should be aware of their parents' views. Don't like it? Stay elsewhere when visiting.

Unmarried adults have the option of a hotel room. Visit during the day, relax in the evenings. It's a nice option and avoids a lot of unnecessary unpleasantness.

 

[fly girl]

We are not talking about what you decide you want to do. It is about what you are prohibited from doing by someone else that is still trying to keep control over you in the sense that they insist that you must fall in line with their feelings instead of the reality of the situation. That is were the offense comes in. If you decide that you feel better in separate rooms for whatever reason, even if it is to keep peace in the family, that is your choice not someone else's.

I think we are at an impasse.

I don't see it is as black and white as you do, and that is ok. By what I have read you see all of it as a manipulative maneuver to control feelings and I don't. That's cool. No hard feelings but I will never agree with your stance.

Moving on...

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

 

[ahutton]

I've faced this. I have DD21 with a bf who lives in another state. When visiting he stays in the guest room. While he's on vacation they generally spend a night or two away on vacation in a hotel.

DD19 had her boyfriend get evicted from his parents house the week of Christmas, we let him move into the guest room; we did an adulting contract that specified no bedroom shenanigans within our home. He lived with us rent free for almost 6 months getting settled for work and school until thy moved into their first apartment. I feel living under my roof at my expense I could request my views be respected.

 

[Cheburashka]

I know many couples, especially same sex couples, who have been together for decades but were not legally married...If they stayed at someone's home who didn't allow unmarried couples to sleep in the same room, would it make sense to put them in that category because they do not have a legal piece of paper?

The legal piece of paper that married couples have is documentation of a legal commitment that unmarried people have not made. The deed to one's house is on a piece of legal paper. The title to one's car is on a piece of legal paper. One's will is on a piece of legal paper. Paper legal statements are very important parts of our lives, and not to be underestimated. It's a much less secure experience in life to not own a home, not own a car, not inherit anything via a will, than it is to have those pieces of paper. Likewise, just living together long term is a much less secure situation than being legally married.

An unmarried person can choose to walk out on a long-term dependent partner and have no financial obligation to the spouse at all. (Yes, I've heard of common law but it isn't a viable protection in most places without something having been put into writing.) Child support for minor children can be required, but that's it. The cohabitating partner often cannot share insurance, often cannot make emergency medical decisions, etc. If a marriage undergoes a challenging period, the married couple is more likely to at least try to work it out, rather than immediately go through a divorce, whereas unmarried couples have less of an impediment to simply part ways as soon as the going gets tough- and to be more specific, it's really about an unmarried individual feeling free to part ways from their partner, since there is no legal commitment & therefore no agreement from the other party is needed in order to immediately end the relationship with no legal consequences. Unmarried cohabitation is a legally uncommitted situation, and is not in the same category as marriage at all.