Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[Heigh-Ho]

It wasn't a big deal so many on here are making it out to be.

Aren't people just saying how they feel?

For you it's not a big deal, for others it is or would be. I'm not sure it's fair to say other people are making it a bigger deal that it is. They are just saying how they would approach the situation (both as a host or as a guest).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think people are making a huge mountain out of a mole hill on this.

Wouldn't you think that would depend on how and the why behind the request and how it came across? And the reaction of all the parties involved?

What if pre-same sex marriage being legal on the federal level a parent who has a child in a same-sex relationship was told "I don't approve of you being in the same room because you're not married"? What if the couple never intends to get married? Are they just making a mountain out of a mole hill if they are forever told they cannot stay in the same room on the basis that their decision to not get married bars them?

I still think staying elsewhere is the best solution but just posing these questions.

 

[fly girl]

Aren't people just saying how they feel?

For you it's not a big deal, for others it is or would be. I'm not sure it's fair to say other people are making it a bigger deal that it is. They are just saying how they would approach the situation (both as a host or as a guest).

I said to me it is isn't a big deal. But when people are saying parents are shaming, disrespecting and damaging relationships, I have every right to say people are making it out to be larger than it actually is.

You know my posts. You have had issues with my posts before. I always appreciate different views and perspectives. I actually said that in my post. Don't take my one comment and make it bigger than it is.

Wouldn't you think that would depend on how and the why behind the request and how it came across? And the reaction of all the parties involved?

What if pre-same sex marriage being legal on the federal level a parent who has a child in a same-sex relationship was told "I don't approve of you being in the same room because you're not married"? What if the couple never intends to get married? Are they just making a mountain out of a mole hill if they are forever told they cannot stay in the same room on the basis that their decision to not get married bars them?

I still think staying elsewhere is the best solution but just posing these questions.

I said that. Read above reaction to other post saying this. I understand people may feel differently. I totally get that. I also think saying you are shaming, disrespecting, trying to push marriage as being over the top.

I clearly indicated maybe we were the weird ones. That is was MY perspective.

I even said it would be weird if the couple were together for 5+ years and still had to sleep in separate rooms. Read my post. I said that was odd but it truly depended upon the dynamics of the relationships of the parties involved.

This is not a cookie cutter decision. I know that.


(edited to add in multiple quotes over same issue)

 

[Summer2018]

My DD is 23, still living with us saving up for her future. I feel very fortunate to still have her with us. She is very respectful and mature, and she deserves to be treated with dignity. Just as we welcome all of her friends that are like our surrogate children, we would 100% welcome her significant other to stay with her in her room as long as he likes. This young man could be our son-in-law one day, and we want to build a relationship with him.

I see no reason for debate.

Edited to add: At no time would I allow a stranger (someone she just met) to sleep in my home regardless of which room...but then again, she would never bring home someone she barely knows let alone share a bed with them.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I said that. Read above reaction to other post saying this. I understand people may feel differently. I totally get that. I also think saying you are shaming, disrespecting, trying to push marriage as being over the top.

I clearly indicated maybe we were the weird ones. That is was MY perspective.

I even said it would be weird if the couple were together for 5+ years and still had to sleep in separate rooms. Read my post. I said that was odd.

I did read it and didn't really have any issue per se with what your viewpoint was. That wasn't why I quoted you honestly.

Thinking about it more maybe I was just trying to figure out why for you other people were making a mountain out of a mole hill at the request when you said you understand that other people feel differently or that if they were together for some random amount of years it would odd/weird to request that and I wasn't using the best examples for trying to say that Unless you were meaning both the host requesting to sleep separately and the guest for not appreciating that request were both making mountain out of a mole hill for the situation.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

But when people are saying parents are shaming, disrespecting and damaging relationships, I have every right to say people are making it out to be larger than it actually is.

Maybe not enough seriousness is being given towards how someone might feel at being told they are to sleep separately? I like your response to the other person that it's not a cookie cutter decision. Maybe to some people it would feel like shaming or disrespectful or it would damage the relationship. I'm allowing for the possibility that for some it really could be a big issue in my comments so being told they are just making a bigger deal than it really is didn't seem fair to me but I understand that maybe you were just responding at the idea that those comments you were particularly against were more of a blanket statement applying to everyone.

 

[fly girl]

I did read it and didn't really have any issue per se with what your viewpoint was. That wasn't why I quoted you honestly.

Thinking about it more maybe I was just trying to figure out why for you other people were making a mountain out of a mole hill at the request when you said you understand that other people feel differently or that if they were together for some random amount of years it would odd/weird to request that and I wasn't using the best examples for trying to say that Unless you were meaning both the host requesting to sleep separately and the guest for not appreciating that request were both making mountain out of a mole hill for the situation.

My mountain out of a molehill was from my personal perspective of staying in separate bedrooms until we were married and people saying by parents doing that it was shaming/damaging to the couple. We didn't have any issues with it and from reading this thread it seems quite a few would have problems with it. I guess my comment could very well be taken out of context and I didn't mean it to come out that way to hurt someone else who felt differently. So from that standpoint, from my experience saying my parents and in-laws were too old fashioned and prude that would be making a mountain out of a molehill as it wasn't the case. Someone else's could be very different than mine. I apologize for the confusion as it did come out wrong.

I do think it would be weird if you were a couple that has been together for numerous years and still not allowed to sleep in the same room. Marriage isn't for everyone. But honestly, I was biased as reading this thread from my situation and similar ones from friends/family -- not from one about a well established long term relationship. There is a big difference in that and yes my views would definitely switch.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My mountain out of a molehill was from my personal perspective of staying in separate bedrooms until we were married and people saying by parents doing that it was shaming/damaging to the couple. We didn't have any issues with it and from reading this thread it seems quite a few would have problems with it. I guess my comment could very well be taken out of context and I didn't mean it to come out that way to hurt someone else who felt differently. So from that standpoint, from my experience saying my parents and in-laws were too old fashioned and prude that would be making a mountain out of a molehill as it wasn't the case. Someone else's could be very different than mine. I apologize for the confusion as it did come out wrong.

I do think it would be weird if you were a couple that has been together for numerous years and still not allowed to sleep in the same room. Marriage isn't for everyone. But honestly, I was biased as reading this thread from my situation and similar ones from friends/family -- not from one about a well established long term relationship. There is a big difference in that and yes my views would definitely switch.

I don't think I was being explanatory the first time I quoted you on what I was trying to say that was my fault. I appreciate your expansion on what you meant truly I understand more of what you were getting at now.

 

[fly girl]

Maybe not enough seriousness is being given towards how someone might feel at being told they are to sleep separately? I like your response to the other person that it's not a cookie cutter decision. Maybe to some people it would feel like shaming or disrespectful or it would damage the relationship. I'm allowing for the possibility that for some it really could be a big issue in my comments so being told they are just making a bigger deal than it really is didn't seem fair to me but I understand that maybe you were just responding at the idea that those comments you were particularly against were more of a blanket statement applying to everyone.

My statement you quoted was about my personal account, here is the entire paragraph to show it was personal:

With all that said. Until we got married, we always slept in separate bedrooms when we visited our parents. It was out of respect. We didn't care. We understood. We didn't feel slighted, disrespected, or had an ounce of negative feelings. We got it! It wasn't a big deal so many on here are making it out to be. I think we would have felt awkward sleeping in the same room anyway.

That entire paragraph was my own experience. You can tell as I give personal feelings and details. It was definitely not a blanket statement for everyone, I thought that was clearly discernible as I followed up with both of us feel awkward sleeping in the same room.

I am sorry if you felt it was meant for everyone as it is truly not my intention.

 

[Summer2018]

 

[aprilgail]

My daughter met her boyfriend her second week of college freshman year-from the first time they came here together they stayed in her room. I knew they were sleeping together since she told me they were. I know when they visit his parents they sleep in the same room- it would be really silly now to have them stay anywhere in separate rooms since they have lived together the last two years.

 

[Jennasis]

We all know it has nothing to do with "sleeping" arraingments.

When I was 18 or so, I was in the hall bathroom getting ready for bed. It was the only bathroom on the floor and had a door to the hallway and a second door that led to my parents bedroom. I was washing my face and plucking eyebrows and what not. All through this I could literally FEEL the tension emanating from my parents room...they were clearly waiting for me to go the heck to bed already. Ya know...

So I washed my face, and plucked and preened and so on all while feeling the growing tension from the master bedroom. Until finally my dad bellowed "Sally, for cryin' out loud go to bed already!!!"

I chuckled and headed out to my room and as I passed their bedroom door I called out "Okay, but you know my bed is right on the other side of the wall from your bed, so I can hear just as well in there as I can from the bathroom. GOOD NIiiiiiiiiiiight!"

Maybe when you're visiting someone's home, you should just sleep. And maybe when others are visiting your home, you just sleep? Out of respect for one another.

 

[ronandannette]

With all due respect that's not something I feel like I've said I don't think you or anyone else have/has a poor relationship with people just because you have a rule that if you're unmarried you don't sleep in the same room if they are staying at your home. I think it's fair to say it could be affected (general way not to any one person in particular) but I don't make the automatic assumption that it is.

Telling someone "you're not married you need to sleep separately, I believe/don't believe in ________" is imposing your view. You have a belief, you want others to abide by that belief by doing/not doing X. If you define it as something else to you personally please don't hesitate to clarify. And for me I'm not saying it in a positive or negative way.

"Telling someone "you're not married you need to sleep separately, we will provide separate sleeping quarters for you while you're here. I believe/don't believe in ________" is imposing your view. You have a belief, you want others to abide by that belief by doing/not doing X while they are guests in my home."

The above is the most concise response I can give you. I hope you can recognize the difference between the way you put it and the way we put it. And we've never actually had to "tell someone" any of this; it's pretty well just understood between us all and has honestly only ever been an issue one time in our lives, when my niece sprung a very new boyfriend on us. New as in she met him on-line and they arranged to meet up in our city, of which we were informed when they showed up on the doorstep. He wasn't cool with the separate sleeping arrangements so they stayed in a hotel. All good by me.

For a really great insight, re-read @fly girl's posts. She put it very, very well from the perspective of someone who's actually dealt with the situation.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

we will provide separate sleeping quarters for you while you're here.

And if there answer is "oh thank you for offering but we're fine sleeping in the same room"? What then? That's sorta my point. Put it as politely and non-confrontational as you can you're still telling them to sleep separate because of their marital status.

And I understand it's pretty well understood with those who know you, I never thought it wasn't. This is all a large discussion. I guess I assumed in some ways we were talking about people who weren't well aware of how everyone felt. Otherwise why would they even accept an invitation to your home knowing you would put them in separate rooms if they had an issue with that, IYKWIM?

But probably time to move on no harm no foul we just seem to be crossing lines in our discussion

 

[Heigh-Ho]

She put it very, very well from the perspective of someone who's actually dealt with the situation.

Huh? Are you assuming the other person hasn't been in the situation being talked about? What would make you come to that conclusion?

 

[goofyernmost]

I know this is going to sound naïve, but I notice that a lot of concern has been expressed that sleeping in the same room means that there is that evil body function going on. I know in my posts I was referring to SLEEPING not mating. I would think it inappropriate for anyone to have those relationships in my home, less for moral but for cleanup situations that might happen. That is not at all what I have been talking about, but since I saw it mentioned so often I guess that when a parent decides that their grown children cannot share a bed that they are assuming that the physical Olympics are going to take place. I guess that brings up the question of exactly whose mind is in the gutter.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

My statement you quoted was about my personal account, here is the entire paragraph to show it was personal:

With all that said. Until we got married, we always slept in separate bedrooms when we visited our parents. It was out of respect. We didn't care. We understood. We didn't feel slighted, disrespected, or had an ounce of negative feelings. We got it! It wasn't a big deal so many on here are making it out to be. I think we would have felt awkward sleeping in the same room anyway.

That entire paragraph was my own experience. You can tell as I give personal feelings and details. It was definitely not a blanket statement for everyone, I thought that was clearly discernible as I followed up with both of us feel awkward sleeping in the same room.

I am sorry if you felt it was meant for everyone as it is truly not my intention.

Oh I think there is some confusion. When I said blanket statement I thought maybe that you thought the posters who said shaming, disrespectful and damaging to relationships were talking about every situation where this has happened or where people feel this way to guests and that's why you were saying people were making a it a big deal when it really wasn't to you. I wasn't think you were making a blanket statement about everyone I'm sorry if I messed that conversation up! I think we're okay now in understanding

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I guess that brings up the question of exactly whose mind is in the gutter.

I remember the conversations I had with my mom about this and I'll be blunt about it.."mom trust me the last thing I want to do is do anything like that when you're a few feet away, you do not have to worry about that". There were plenty of other places for that to occur totally didn't need to at my mom's house and it would have been my childhood full sized bed...not romantic in the least to me but hey that's just me

 

[ronandannette]

Huh? Are you assuming the other person hasn't been in the situation being talked about? What would make you come to that conclusion?

Yes, I'm assuming that and admittedly it's just a guess but very few participants in the thread have mentioned having this specifically happen to them. The poster I was exchanging with directly did not and having communicated with her here for years, I think she would have added first-hand experience if she'd had it. It's perfectly fine for everybody to be theoretical about what they think they would do if they had to deal with the situation and we're having a great, robust discussion, but @fly girl and a few others actually told us what they did do and I found it to be a good contribution.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes, I'm assuming that and admittedly it's just a guess but very few participants in the thread have mentioned having this specifically happen to them. The poster I was exchanging with directly did not and having communicated with her here for years, I think she would have added first-hand experience if she'd had it. It's perfectly fine for everybody to be theoretical about what they think they would do if they had to deal with the situation and we're having a great, robust discussion, but @fly girl and a few others actually told us what they did do and I found it to be a good contribution.

When I was in college my then-boyfriend now husband for close to 2 years staying in my old room, in my old childhood bedroom at my mom's house. I followed the money so I sometimes worked in my college town and lived back home which was located 30miles away on breaks and summer when the dorms were closed and often enough on the weekends because commuting would have cost a lot of gas money. That is until my junior and senior year of college when I got an apartment in my college town and no longer had a reason to stay overnight at my mom's house. Then when I graduated and moved back home for 9 months I was back in my childhood room and yes my boyfriend stayed overnight. My mom never had an issue with it, and I guess I never thought to mention that I was literally in the situation for several years. Admittedly no I have not had a relative host request separate rooms although there was a "maybe she will" the very first time we visited my husband's grandmother in STL but that was within a few months of us dating. She ended up having no problems with it. I would have been understanding back then just due to the dynamics.

But like I just said in my comment sexual relations..weren't happening (and still wouldn't be happening even though we're married). It was just us staying together. My mother-in-law did have an issue with it when I first was dating my husband due to her younger child (I gave the example there and how she didn't care several years later in a hypocritical way). We have had a few guests over at our home. If my sister-in-law (either one) wanted to be over at our home and stay in our guest room we would not care if their boyfriends stayed with them. I've been on both sides of the situation. I think the only thing I can't speak to is physically having a child in this situation but presently my opinion wouldn't change that we don't care if our guests sleep in the same room. I'll fully put it out there never say never perhaps I'll do a 180 when adult children come back to my home.

I don't think I would have felt differently about wanting to sleep in the same room as my boyfriend at my mom's house if she had an issue with it. Long-term I would have had to figure out a different solution because it wouldn't have just been a few days. I was raised to have a high respect for elders but as an adult I also feel respect should go towards me too so that is a situation where I can't say I would just acquiesce for months or years on end all the time even back when I was young.

ETA: I should add that's kinda why I put in my first comment "When I was first dating my husband when I was 19 and he 18 I would have been a different story but not long after that I would have chosen to stay elsewhere." and repeated it would IMO be the best solution. If finances dictated I couldn't afford a hotel room I suppose I would as someone else say suck it up buttercup and just know for the future a hotel room is where I need to stay and save up for that if I'm repeat visiting. But if I know in advance (and this goes for how I was even in my early 20s) I would have totally respected how you (general you) feel about the situation but would have chosen to stay elsewhere if your condition was we sleep separately. I guess I look at it as we're both saying what is important to us in different ways?