Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So why not quote that specifically?
I thought it was pretty clear since this thread is about "house rules".

I apologize, I could have quoted "As a parent I'd be glad to not have kids who don't respect my beliefs/opinions and the rules of my home. I don't have to worry about that though because I raised my children right."

In my defense my comment was this:

If your children didn't share the same opinions or beliefs as you then what? Is it just that you both mutually agree to respect each other's opinion and belief even if you don't agree with it or is it that they need to share your beliefs and opinions?

So I was pretty clear that I was asking about the opinions and belief part of your comment. I took your comment that I bolded to be an entire thought together that it could have easily been written "As a parent I'd be glad to not have kids who don't respect my beliefs/opinions I don't have to worry about that though because I raised my children right." Perhaps I was incorrect that those thoughts were part of the same "because I raised my children right" viewpoint and if so my bad.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Well, that's what I'm saying. If they are 18, I would doubt that they are actually in a long-term, serious, stable partnership with someone, but I'm not saying it's impossible. It would depend on the situation, and the people involved, of course. That's why I said even older kids, say they are 28 or even 30, but haven't been dating too long, it might be a different story. Honestly, I would expect them to know the difference in "someone I'm dating" and "my partner/significant other" and to act appropriately according to that.

Oh okay. So what you're saying is for you the couple has to define their relationship as long-term to them, serious to them and stable to them in order for you to be comfortable with them staying in the same room together? Or are you saying it's what you personally would consider long-term, serious and stable? Sorry just trying to understand where you are coming from.

 

[fla4fun]

It means I raised my children to respect other's rules when it comes to their homes.

This is what I think it all boils down to. Respect.

We don’t have to understand why a person sets house rules the way they do. We should just respect their right to do so, and make our decisions accordingly. It’s not just about who sleeps where. It can be rules about things as simple as whether you wear shoes in the house or not (personally, I hate walking around a house in socks, which is why I wear a designated pair of indoor only Crocs at home). I may not agree with your rules and you may not agree with mine, but we should be able to respect each other and make alternate arrangements if necessary (for example, having a clean pair of socks to put on before my shoes at “socks only” houses).

I said earlier that I have preferred to stay in hotels when visiting people, because while I can respect any house rules a person might have, at the end of the day it’s nice to live by my own rules for a while too. I learned the value of hotel loyalty programs at a young age and keep enough points in my account for free nights at all times. Most of us are well aware of any house rules our parents have by the time we become adults, so they really shouldn’t be a huge surprise.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I'm also very much against pressuring ppl. into marriage, so I guess that's part of my perspective.

I wonder about this part too. If marriage isn't in the discussion at that time or if marriage was discussed but decided it's not the plan what then? Is it just "you're living in sin" for the rest of your lives in the eyes of your host?

 

[wenrob]

Well of course and I've been clear what I would personally do (see my other comments).

I was just asking in a devil's advocate way If it's only a few days and not a hill to die on wouldn't that be the same for the hosts too? Unless all these hosts who have an issue with it are saying yes it's their hill to die on and any fall out from it they are okay with that.

I'm assuming that guests who are also saying it's not something they would stay at the house with that condition are also saying they are okay with any fall out from it.

It was just posing the question based on your comment of it only being a few days and not a hill worth dying on from the perspective of the guest and viewing it from the perspective of the host.

Well I’m not on that side of the debate so I can’t really give an opinion on if it’s a hill worth dying on for them. Maybe for some it is. As I said in my OP if you’re living here it’s a no go. That’s mainly because I value my personal space. I also know way too many people (including my sister) who’s kids have had a SO over and they never left. Having a hard line there helps keep boundaries. It has nothing to do with marriage for me.

 

[BrianL]

Oh okay. So what you're saying is for you the couple has to define their relationship as long-term to them, serious to them and stable to them in order for you to be comfortable with them staying in the same room together? Or are you saying it's what you personally would consider long-term, serious and stable? Sorry just trying to understand where you are coming from.

I think you are trying to apply hard rules to something that doesn't have hard rules. Isn't it okay to just give a general summation of my feelings? I think most understand what I mean here. I don't think that most people at 18 are in very serious relationships, though there are exceptions of course. It's just a combination of the relative maturity levels of the people involved, the time invested in the relationship, their perception, and yeah, my own perception too. As I said, I would also expect that they would know if it's appropriate or not too. It's all more a feeling that something you can define.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Most of us are well aware of any house rules our parents have by the time we become adults, so they really shouldn’t be a huge surprise.

True and I don't think anyone was saying it would be a surprise. I think people were saying they were surprised at the opinions others had about living arrangements. But I think the conversation was more broad than just the person's own parent or turned into more broad than that.

You don't just have your own parents, you have your significant other's parents and perhaps that never came to a conversation until you were visiting. You also have other relatives, or friends, maybe even friends of the parents. I think it's something that doesn't always pop up in conversation until the visiting is being planned or has already been planned. I suppose maybe the most appropriate thing to do is before the couple even makes an agreement to stay at the host's home is to tell them 'if you stay here you need to sleep separately'

 

[SandyinMonterey]

When I moved in with my boyfriend, it was 3000 miles away from my parents. When my parents visit us, we did not separate into different rooms. I must admit, I thought about it for a moment than thought to myself "where do they think I sleep anyway." My parents are very old fashioned and I was nervous about it but there were no issues. Nothing said. Might also be that they knew my boyfriend for 16 years before he was my boyfriend. We were best friends first.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I think you are trying to apply hard rules to something that doesn't have hard rules. Isn't it okay to just give a general summation of my feelings? I think most understand what I mean here. I don't think that most people at 18 are in very serious relationships, though there are exceptions of course. It's just a combination of the relative maturity levels of the people involved, the time invested in the relationship, their perception, and yeah, my own perception too. As I said, I would also expect that they would know if it's appropriate or not too. It's all more a feeling that something you can define.

Oh sorry I was just trying to figure out what you meant. I wasn't trying to apply hard rules, just asking what you meant since you said you said it could be a different story if they were. I didn't know if you were meaning it's what you considered or what the couple considered.

 

[GoingSince1990]

Insisting on separate rooms isn’t too far removed from Duggar-type rules of chaperoned dates and side-hugs. And we all know how the Duggars turned out,

 

[TheIncredibles!]

"My house, my rules". The adults stay there knowing the rules I assume.

My father was the same way with us. My father planned a big weekend getaway 4 months before my wedding and my fiancee was invited. My father tried telling me he was not going to let us share a room since we were not married. I told him that was fine, I would room with my father's mistress who he left my mom for the year before and was bringing along. Needless to say my fiancee and I shared the room. (Just celebrated 25 years of marriage)

We let my DD20's boyfriend sleep over when he wants to. He lives 45 minutes away. I'd rather he just sleep here after a late night out then drive home.

 

[BrianL]

Oh sorry I was just trying to figure out what you meant. I wasn't trying to apply hard rules, just asking what you meant since you said you said it could be a different story if they were. I didn't know if you were meaning it's what you considered or what the couple considered.

Well, what I mean is it depends. That's about as succinct as I can make it.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Well, what I mean is it depends. That's about as succinct as I can make it.

Okay

 

[fla4fun]

True and I don't think anyone was saying it would be a surprise. I think people were saying they were surprised at the opinions others had about living arrangements. But I think the conversation was more broad than just the person's own parent or turned into more broad than that.

You don't just have your own parents, you have your significant other's parents and perhaps that never came to a conversation until you were visiting. You also have other relatives, or friends, maybe even friends of the parents. I think it's something that doesn't always pop up in conversation until the visiting is being planned or has already been planned. I suppose maybe the most appropriate thing to do is before the couple even makes an agreement to stay at the host's home is to tell them 'if you stay here you need to sleep separately'

I would probably ask my SO if their parents had any house rules, or if there was anything I needed to know to make the visit a smooth one. I would want a first visit to go as well as possible and my SO should know any house rules their parents have. There are a lot of little things that can come into play with a first overnight visit to the parents on either side, and knowing what the parent’s expectations are ahead of time would be a big part of that. I agree that some things can’t be anticipated in advance though, but it’s still their home, and I would not disrespect them by ignoring or actively going against their wishes.

 

[BrianL]

Okay

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I would probably ask my SO if their parents had any house rules, or if there was anything I needed to know to make the visit a smooth one. I would want a first visit to go as well as possible and my SO should know any house rules their parents have. There are a lot of little things that can come into play with a first overnight visit to the parents on either side, and knowing what the parent’s expectations are ahead of time would be a big part of that. I agree that some things can’t be anticipated in advance though, but it’s still their home, and I would not disrespect them by ignoring or actively going against their wishes.

Absolutely, but what I was trying to say is you may not know that until the offer to stay comes up. I think it's possible that it comes up in normal conversation like 'if we ever stay at so and so's they will want us to sleep separately' but it's equally possible that doesn't come up until you're actually really going to visit. It was really just the 'really shouldn't be a surprise part' because I think we're not just talking about someone's parents. Anyone who offers their home up for a couple is a host and as most say it's their home. I agree with your opinion on wanting the first visit to go as well as possible, yes

And to your last part I wasn't suggesting that either, just really getting at 'you would know' part

 

[Renarr]

My wife and I met in the 1900s (just barely) when we were in college. While we were dating/engaged, it was always separate rooms when we stayed at either place. That was a couch for me at her parents' place and a guest room for her at my parents' place (who hadn't converted my bedroom yet). We had been living together most of the last year before we got married, although DW still kept her apartment.

Our leases were both up about three weeks before the wedding and no opportunity to go month-to-month, so we moved in together about four weeks before. Her parents (who lived on tighter budgets) thought it was great that we were trying to save a couple thousand bucks by not moving twice. My parents, on the other hand....

About ten years after that, my younger sister (who was still a few years out of college when this happened) lived with her soon-to-be husband for over a year before they got married.

I think times have changed as do societal "norms". When I brought up recently that it was a big to-do that we had lived together for four weeks, my mother insisted that "No, we were fine with it. We thought it was funny that you asked." Funny is definitely not the reaction I remember.

 

[brockash]

Frankly, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, OP. You have to do what you are comfortable with in your own home. Sounds to me like you have some reservations about them living together. It’s pretty clear DD knows this and out of respect for your feelings, opted to stay at a BnB in the past. I would say she is a thoughtful and loving daughter. And since the BF’s parents seem to share your conservative views, the couple shouldn’t be surprised by a request that they sleep separately. For a few days, it will be fine.

Op may not care, but as a child myself with my own coming of adult children; you do understand that the adult children are going to have to prioritize things like money and where to spend their time...if their only choices are to be treated differently at there parents house by being forced to sleep in different bedrooms or to pay for a hotel/house whatever when they visit... there's a really good chance visiting old mom and dad is going to start slipping pretty far down on the priority list. - Most likely not for any other reason other than financial logistics etc.

 

[MrsPete]

I see lots of "don't make the kids uncomfortable" ... "don't make them live differently than they do outside of your home". What about the kids making their parents comfortable in their own home, not asking the parents to accept things they aren't willing to accept?

Shouldn't both sides be trying to get along?
If these people have a lasting relationship, should a couple nights sleeping apart make a difference?

When I was younger, I had boyfriends who occasionally stayed overnight at my parents' house -- the sofa was always an assumption. I never dated anyone who would have wanted to "rock the boat" or make anyone uncomfortable.

Some say out of "respect", but I feel like as a parent you can earn more respect by treating them like adults.

No one earns respect by going against their own beliefs. That's hypocritical.

 

[Marrila]

I see lots of "don't make the kids uncomfortable" ... "don't make them live differently than they do outside of your home". What about the kids making their parents comfortable in their own home, not asking the parents to accept things they aren't willing to accept?

Shouldn't both sides be trying to get along?
If these people have a lasting relationship, should a couple nights sleeping apart make a difference?

So much of the stress could be avoided with a hotel stay. The guests can visit during the day, relax at the hotel after. Everyone is comfortable.