Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[NoSugarNoCream]

What are your opinions on sleeping arrangements?

My daughter went to visit her boyfriend’s family and stayed there for several nights. She told me that she slept in his room and he slept on the sofa. They are both in their mid-twenties and live together, but aren’t married. I’m not sure who decided on the arrangement but it got me thinking…what exactly is proper etiquette?

My best friend’s son is having a baby with his girlfriend, yet she won’t allow the girlfriend to sleep over at all (and apparently really doesn’t want them in his room with the door closed either. They are both mid-twenties as well).

Before DD’s boyfriend moved in with her, he came to visit for a couple of weeks and DD said they would be renting an AirBnB for his stay. I really didn’t have a problem with him staying with us, but I thought about saying that he should stay in the guest room.

Just curious about other people’s experiences and opinions. TIA

 

[disneychrista]

My oldest's boyfriend lived with us for 6 months and stayed in the same room as my daughter. They both moved out to their own apartment.

 

[prairie_girl]

I live in the same city as my daughter but if she came to visit with her boyfriend, I’d let them stay in the same room. He’s 22 and she’s 20 and they’ve lived together for a year. Even when she lived with us, he stayed the night a few times when she was 18 and he was 20

 

[ronandannette]

We make no intrusion into how our adult children or anyone else for that matter, choose to live - not a peep. When people are guests in our home though, unmarried couples are provided with separate, comfortable sleeping arrangements. Knowing us well, this comes as no shock to anyone and although all are welcome, nobody is forced to stay with us if this doesn't suit them.

 

[Kittyblue]

Only my oldest is an adult. She's single, but I wouldn't have a problem with a significant other sharing her room. Especially true if they live together already and are only at my house to visit.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'll respect the wishes of whom ever is hosting us...but in truth that means we'll stay elsewhere this day in age if they wish us to not sleep in the same bed, same as when we were not married yet. When I was first dating my husband when I was 19 and he 18 I would have been a different story but not long after that I would have chosen to stay elsewhere. I respect how you feel about it, you respect my choice to stay in an accommodating without such stipulation.

If you're a guest in my home I won't make any requests such that you're talking about. We have a guest room, it's there for guests, I don't really care about your marital status. If I felt uncomfortable about it (which I don't) I would not offer my home up for you to stay in in lieu of requesting you sleep separately.

 

[ronandannette]

I'll respect the wishes of whom ever is hosting us...but in truth that means we'll stay elsewhere this day in age if they wish us to not sleep in the same bed, same as when we were not married yet. When I was first dating my husband when I was 19 and he 18 I would have been a different story but not long after that I would have chosen to stay elsewhere. I respect how you feel about it, you respect my choice to stay in an accommodating without such stipulation.

If you're a guest in my home I won't make any requests such that you're talking about. We have a guest room, it's there for guests, I don't really care about your marital status. If I felt uncomfortable about it (which I don't) I would not offer my home up for you to stay in in lieu of requesting you sleep separately.

I'm confused - are you saying there would be somebody who would want you, as a married couple, to sleep separately?

 

[goofyernmost]

To me it's kind of the truest form of hypocrisy and denial to decide it appropriate to have them in separate rooms when they are living together. Before I got married I visited her parents and was placed in a separate room but I didn't really mind. I knew where they were coming from, but had we been living together and they did that I'm afraid that I would have been forced to say a few words. At that point it is such a wasted gesture and only makes them seem dumb.

I had that problem with my Mother when one of my girls was living with her eventual husband before they got married. She refused to enter that house of sin, as she put it. My reply was... Mom, you know I love you, but you are getting old and you have to start thinking about the fact that you have fewer years to have any relationship with your granddaughter that you know loves you and cares about you. Do you really want it to end like this? She thought about it, and decided that she just wasn't going to be able to control this situation and decided that, she didn't approve, but it was not her place to try and push her beliefs on others. She and my daughter and her husband never knew about that and they all got very close up until her passing.

 

[PollyannaMom]

…what exactly is proper etiquette?...Just curious about other people’s experiences and opinions.

I think "proper" in this case is all about personal comfort level. Whatever you feel fits the situation best, probably does.

DH and I have been together since my second year of college. When he visited my parents' house, they assumed we'd share a room. When I visited his parents' house, they assumed we'd sleep in different rooms. It was fine by us either way - it was just for a few days.

 

[RedAngie]

Whoever owns the house gets to decide the sleeping arrangements. The end.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm confused - are you saying there would be somebody who would want you, as a married couple, to sleep separately?

I was just covering the bases per say because you don't necessarily know why someone would request whatever or truly what they would request. We've had some interesting encounters of what people want in a guest (or in one case renters) that I suppose I'm not surprised by what could occur and wanted to include that part in there as not everyone would necessarily put the line down as legally married=fine, not=not fine( (some are age, some are political leaning, some are sexual orientation, etc so I could see where someone could make the request for married to sleep separately, at least considering some of the people we've known).

 

[ronandannette]

To me it's kind of the truest form of hypocrisy and denial to decide it appropriate to have them in separate rooms when they are living together. Before I got married I visited her parents and was placed in a separate room but I didn't really mind. I knew where they were coming from, but had we been living together and they did that I'm afraid that I would have been forced to say a few words. At that point it is such a wasted gesture and only makes them seem dumb.

I had that problem with my Mother when one of my girls was living with her eventual husband before they got married. She refused to enter that house of sin, as she put it. My reply was... Mom, you know I love you, but you are getting old and you have to start thinking about the fact that you have fewer years to have any relationship with your granddaughter that you know loves you and cares about you. Do you really want it to end like this? She thought about it, and decided that she just wasn't going to be able to control this situation and decided that, she didn't approve, but it was not her place to try and push her beliefs on others. She and my daughter and her husband never knew about that and they all got very close up until her passing.

Nope - not hypocrisy, integrity in not compromising our own personal beliefs in our own home, regardless of what anybody else might think about it. If you have no such deeply-held convictions, it's probably difficult to understand that changing what people do in their lives isn't the goal; maintaining the sanctity of our home is.

 

[goofyernmost]

Whoever owns the house gets to decide the sleeping arrangements. The end.

Absolutely true, but sometimes that thinking comes at a high price. It is unlikely that they will change the behavior of the couple but very likely that they will put a large crevice in any chance of continued participation. The best result is that they stay someplace else, hotel, other friend, whatever. However, you are correct they can insist and possible lose a lot. So unfortunately, it isn't always "THE END". There may be a lot of unnecessary negative consequences.

 

[WeLuvWDWx5]

I have two adult children in their 20's living on their own and I am very clear that I would never endorse living together before marriage. Therefore, when they visit us with their significant others, they have separate sleeping arrangements. They are respectful of that and we don't have any issues. I'm happy that they have separate living arrangements outside of visiting us as well even if they don't stay in those separate locations every night. I'm not oblivious, but I feel that I should continue to impress my values even if they are adults.

 

[goofyernmost]

Nope - not hypocrisy, integrity in not compromising our own personal beliefs in our own home, regardless of what anybody else might think about it. If you have no such deeply-held convictions, it's probably difficult to understand that changing what people do in their lives isn't the goal; maintaining the sanctity of our home is.

That would be your take on it, not mine. and as I said in my post "To me it is". So it is not a nope, it is a difference between how you would react and how I would. However, integrity doesn't usually include assuming that your opinion is correct over the opinion of someone else, so if that is how you want to handle it, fine. However, my opinion is not going to change so is it really maintaining sanctity or applying a thought in an effort to force others to your way of thinking. In this situation if you really are serious you will let them know that they are not welcome unless they conform and give them the chance to find alternate locations. In other words don't invite them and then add your moral restrictions to the invitation.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Nope - not hypocrisy, integrity in not compromising our own personal beliefs in our own home, regardless of what anybody else might think about it. If you have no such deeply-held convictions, it's probably difficult to understand that changing what people do in their lives isn't the goal; maintaining the sanctity of our home is.

That's why I put in there about not offering my home up (even at the risk of being seen as inhospitable). It's not fair to either person IMO. You (general you) have your values, I (general I) have mine. In many ways I would just want both of us to respect both of our values. This goes beyond what is in the OP.

We were just talking about this today, in a different way. My father-in-law's stepbrother's wife has decided my father-in-law's brother (so my husband's uncle) and his wife are not welcomed in their home because of their support towards BLM. On the surface that may sound bad that if they visit them they aren't welcomed in their home as overnight guests. On the other hand, they actually appreciated knowing that because they would rather not have a situation arise due to different beliefs in this case and it's just a conflict of beliefs that are strong enough to elicit a big enough reaction from the homeowners that preventing an uncomfortableness seemed to be the more polite respectful way about it to a vast enough difference in belief.

 

[ronandannette]

Absolutely true, but sometimes that thinking comes at a high price. It is unlikely that they will change the behavior of the couple but very likely that they will put a large crevice in any chance of continued participation. The best result is that they stay someplace else, hotel, other friend, whatever. However, you are correct they can insist and possible lose a lot. So unfortunately, it isn't always "THE END". There may be a lot of unnecessary negative consequences.

I guess the same thing could potentially happen with guests who aren't welcome to smoke or use drugs inside someone else's home or bring their pets for visits. If people feel entitled, I guess they're probably prone to taking offense.

 

[ronandannette]

That would be your take on it, not mine. and as I said in my post "To me it is". So it is not a nope, it is a difference between how you would react and how I would. However, integrity doesn't usually include assuming that your opinion is correct over the opinion of someone else, so if that is how you want to handle it, fine. However, my opinion is not going to change so is it really maintaining sanctity or applying a thought in an effort to force others to your way of thinking. In this situation if you really are serious you will let them know that they are not welcome unless they conform and give them the chance to find alternate locations. In other words don't invite them and then add your moral restrictions to the invitation.

As I mentioned, everyone who knows us well enough to stay here is very much aware. And I can't remember the last time we formally invited anybody. Together we make plans or they ask if they can come and of course the answer is always yes.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm happy that they have separate living arrangements outside of visiting us as well even if they don't stay in those separate locations every night.

Interestingly no one has any sort of impressing about my desire to have separate residences before marriage (in fact most around us thought it was nuts to think that). But make no mistake we were always with each other every single night at one of our places. I just felt it was important to have my own residence, he his own residence. We each paid our own rent. Technically due to it coming up at the exact time we moved into a rental home 1 1/2 months before marriage (though that wasn't the original plan just worked out that way) but we had our own places still. We paid triple rent for a month (mine, his, rental house) and double rent for 3 months (his place, rental house) due to that (I paid for my place, he paid for his, we split according to salary percentage the rental house).

The living separate before marriage is one where it differs from couple to couple and parent to parent or person to person for the reasons they feel that way. I wouldn't want to necessarily assume one way but I get the impression that parents usually go for the sexual activity whereas couples go for wanting their own space. The argument many gave us for why we should/have to live with each other before marriage was finding out habits of living together. That was already something I was doing given that I was with him all the time and every night we were together. It doesn't take long to figure out someone won't replace the toilet paper roll or their socks end up everywhere or they always leave the dishes in the sink unwashed or whatever if you're around each other enough.

 

[Jennasis]

I guess the same thing could potentially happen with guests who aren't welcome to smoke or use drugs inside someone else's home or bring their pets for visits. If people feel entitled, I guess they're probably prone to taking offense.

Smoking and pets can cause damage and/or potential health hazards to the home owners. Drugs are illegal. Not quite the same as a moral objection.