Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[Donald13]

Honestly, the bolded made me laugh out loud just because the description of the relationships twisted my brain into a pretzel. I do agree with your first paragraph, or at least I think I do, but as with many things, to be in full accord we'd have to hash out the definition of "respect".

I still don’t know who they are talking about lol.

 

[Donald13]

Married couples should share a room… dating couples should share a room… if your moms sisters aunt cousins neighbors wife’s sister objects, then nuts to her.

 

[mjkacmom]

By the time dd20 reached 18, she was allowed to have her boyfriend sleep over in her room (in the attic, technically 2 rooms, one bed, one futon). He lived 1/2 hour away. She started dating her current boyfriend 2 years ago, goes to college with him, when they’re home he lives 1 1/2 hours away, he sleeps here several nights a month. We rent a large house for a week every summer with my sister’s family, my kids SO’s sleep in their rooms (my kids are 24, 23, 20, 18, sister’s kids are 15, 17, 18 so no little ones). My oldest wasn’t even allowed to have boys in her room when she had the attic bedroom (and keeps reminding me of that). She lives with her boyfriend, but he’s stayed here as well.

 

[RedAngie]

Married couples should share a room… dating couples should share a room… if your moms sisters aunt cousins neighbors wife’s sister objects, then nuts to her.

If the dating (or married) couple have a problem with whatever hosts’ preferences, they’re free to sleep in a ditch somewhere.

 

[BrianL]

I would say it depends on the situation. If they were like 18 or 19, I'd say probably seperately, but if they've been togeher for a while, maybe not. Honestly, I wouldn't expect even older kids to share a room with someone they hadn't been dating for very long (even if they normally do), but if we're using the term "partner" then I don't think I'd be too worried about it. To me, that means a committed, stable relationship, so it's fine. Really, I would expect that they should understand what's appropriate in general too as far as being a guest in anyone's house. This is all academic for me since I don't have kids.

 

[cjlong88]

I'm trying to wrap my head around caring about something so small as a sleeping arrangement for guests in my home when people visit. Sounds like something that just leads to potential awkwardness, stress, and resentment. The "my house my rules" is fine and dandy...but I'm personally not going to tell people whether or not they can sleep in the same room. And honestly, if I had that much of an opinion about it in the first place, I probably wouldn't offer my home up at all.

Everyone may do as they please. Just be prepared for any consequences that result in that. Do what feels right to you. If people sharing a room to catch some zzzz's makes you uncomfortable, perhaps suggesting a hotel or another place to stay to your guests is the better option.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It’s their house.

Well of course and I've been clear what I would personally do (see my other comments).

I was just asking in a devil's advocate way If it's only a few days and not a hill to die on wouldn't that be the same for the hosts too? Unless all these hosts who have an issue with it are saying yes it's their hill to die on and any fall out from it they are okay with that.

I'm assuming that guests who are also saying it's not something they would stay at the house with that condition are also saying they are okay with any fall out from it.

It was just posing the question based on your comment of it only being a few days and not a hill worth dying on from the perspective of the guest and viewing it from the perspective of the host.

 

[neverlandsky]

Are younger minor siblings in the household at play here? If yes, I get the separate sleeping arrangements in this situation, setting an example, certain family beliefs, etc. Honestly though if you're an adult, you should just hotel it if it's going to be an issue for the parents. You basically know whether it's a good idea or not. Otherwise, it's hosts house, hosts rules, and suck it up buttercup. A minor inconvenience for a basically free stay. Could care less if our adult kids sleep with their SO, married or not under our roof. For us, sex isn't taboo.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

If they are together then I wouldn't tell them they can't sleep in the same room. I do understand how others feel about it. It's just not something I would feel is right to the couple, maybe not a popular opinion.

 

[fla4fun]

Are younger minor siblings in the household at play here? If yes, I get the separate sleeping arrangements in this situation, setting an example, certain family beliefs, etc. Honestly though if you're an adult, you should just hotel it if it's going to be an issue for the parents. You basically know whether it's a good idea or not. Otherwise, it's hosts house, hosts rules, and suck it up buttercup. A minor inconvenience for a basically free stay. Could care less if our adult kids sleep with their SO, married or not under our roof. For us, sex isn't taboo.

This was my first thought as well - were there younger siblings still living at home. We had specific house rules when we were minors, but my sister and I are a few years apart in age. So I was an adult and in a relationship while she wasn’t yet old enough to date. I personally wouldn’t have even considered sharing a room with my boyfriend under those conditions, even if my parents would have been OK with it (which they weren’t, because of my sister’s age). There could be more to the story than just a moral or religious objection.

I prefer to get a hotel room when visiting family, even these days when it’s solo travel. I get along well with my family, but it’s still nice at the end of the day to have my own space to decompress, where I don’t feel I need to be on my best behavior. I would probably be doing that if my parents were still here and I was a young adult bringing an SO home to visit.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Are younger minor siblings in the household at play here?

Ya know that was actually the reason my mother-in-law when I first started dating my husband when he was 18 and I was 19 had for not wanting me to stay overnight if at their house. The only time it happened was we were snowed in and they were concerned for our safety. When I first met my husband his youngest sister was almost 12 and the reason was "she's impressionable". I was very understanding here, I totally got it and there honestly wasn't really reasons for me to stay overnight there anyways. BUT when that same youngest sister was just barely 16 and in a relationship and her mom let her boyfriend AND 2 of his friends move in in the basement AND the daughter stayed down there with them..yeah...my mother-in-law has been clear for a while she just didn't have the energy with her 3rd child to really do the same parenting so it ended up being a hypocritical moment to impose the impressionable (which again I got it) tactic only to do far worse with minors. At the age that I was I was an adult and so was my husband. The sibling was a minor.

 

[sk!mom]

To me it's kind of the truest form of hypocrisy and denial to decide it appropriate to have them in separate rooms when they are living together

I agree but would go a bit farther and say that it is shaming. The older I get the more I recognize how damaging it is to relationships to put shame onto those we care about.

Nope - not hypocrisy, integrity in not compromising our own personal beliefs in our own home, regardless of what anybody else might think about it. If you have no such deeply-held convictions, it's probably difficult to understand that changing what people do in their lives isn't the goal; maintaining the sanctity of our home is.

I was raised in a religion and environment that shared those beliefs. Sexual shaming seems very unhealthy to me now.

DD and her now DH lived together for 1.5 years before marrying. When they came home to visit they alternated staying at our house or his parent’s House since they live here too. They stayed in the same room at both houses.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I was raised in a religion and environment that shared those beliefs. Sexual shaming seems very unhealthy to me now.

We kinda got bored this weekend and watched a good amount of episodes on the Netflix series Explained. Relatively short episodes about all sorts of topics. One of the ones we watched isn't DIS appropriate to mention but it was the one that was released August 22 2018. Thinking back to how schooling was and the culture many girls who grow into adulthood are raised under (which goes beyond religious beliefs) it was a moment of clarity.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

The idea of adults who live on their own 3XX days a year not being able to sleep in the same room while visiting is quite illogical to me.

 

[Malfie Cent]

What does that mean in this context?

If your children didn't share the same opinions or beliefs as you then what? Is it just that you both mutually agree to respect each other's opinion and belief even if you don't agree with it or is it that they need to share your beliefs and opinions?

It means I raised my children to respect other's rules when it comes to their homes.

 

[Orion Nebula]

The idea of adults who live on their own 3XX days a year not being able to sleep in the same room while visiting is quite illogical to me.

Ya but they could get pregnant or something.

I can't wrap my head around what exactly enforcing "my house my rules" does. Some say out of "respect", but I feel like as a parent you can earn more respect by treating them like adults. Kids grow up, move out, make relationships, and make their own decisions. Who am I to cross my arms and demand they act like children again? And I feel like becoming a dictator in my own house is not raising my kids right. But we all have our own feelings on what's good and bad, and that's fine. I for one allowed my kids to make their own decisions once they got older and never stood in their way trying to enforce mine.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It means I raised my children to respect other's rules when it comes to their homes.

Right but you added in "who don't respect my beliefs/opinions" that was what I was more asking about.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

If they were like 18 or 19, I'd say probably seperately,

Interesting, is there a reason why you put it at those two ages?

but if they've been togeher for a while, maybe not.

What if we're talking about a couple who have been together since they were 15 or 16 and now they are 18 or 19? That could be 3 to 4 years of dating. Is that long enough for you?

 

[BrianL]

Interesting, is there a reason why you put it at those two ages?
What if we're talking about a couple who have been together since they were 15 or 16 and now they are 18 or 19? That could be 3 to 4 years of dating. Is that long enough for you?

Well, that's what I'm saying. If they are 18, I would doubt that they are actually in a long-term, serious, stable partnership with someone, but I'm not saying it's impossible. It would depend on the situation, and the people involved, of course. That's why I said even older kids, say they are 28 or even 30, but haven't been dating too long, it might be a different story. Honestly, I would expect them to know the difference in "someone I'm dating" and "my partner/significant other" and to act appropriately according to that.

 

[Malfie Cent]

Right but you added in "who don't respect my beliefs/opinions" that was what I was more asking about.

So why not quote that specifically?
I thought it was pretty clear since this thread is about "house rules".