Adult children and their partners visiting parents …

[ronandannette]

Smoking and pets can cause damage and/or potential health hazards to the home owners. Drugs are illegal. Not quite the same as a moral objection.

What one wants in their home or doesn't want, for whatever reason, is the same issue. Is there nothing at all you "morally" object to that you wouldn't permit in your home? I'll be there is, if you think about it.

 

[NYCgrrl]

My opinion? My house; my rules.
When I go to your house I promise to abide by yours.

 

[ronandannette]

That's why I put in there about not offering my home up (even at the risk of being seen as inhospitable). It's not fair to either person IMO. You (general you) have your values, I (general I) have mine. In many ways I would just want both of us to respect both of our values. This goes beyond what is in the OP.

We were just talking about this today, in a different way. My father-in-law's stepbrother's wife has decided my father-in-law's brother (so my husband's uncle) and his wife are not welcomed in their home because of their support towards BLM. On the surface that may sound bad that if they visit them they aren't welcomed in their home as overnight guests. On the other hand, they actually appreciated knowing that because they would rather not have a situation arise due to different beliefs in this case and it's just a conflict of beliefs that are strong enough to elicit a big enough reaction from the homeowners that preventing an uncomfortableness seemed to be the more polite respectful way about it to a vast enough difference in belief.

Honestly, the bolded made me laugh out loud just because the description of the relationships twisted my brain into a pretzel. I do agree with your first paragraph, or at least I think I do, but as with many things, to be in full accord we'd have to hash out the definition of "respect".

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Honestly, the bolded made me laugh out loud just because the description of the relationships twisted my brain into a pretzel.

I was actually trying to figure out how to type it out but it sounded convoluted either way I put it

 

[NoSugarNoCream]

My opinion? My house; my rules.
When I go to your house I promise to abide by yours.

Absolutely! I guess my question is more like how would you handle the sleeping arrangements in your home if your adult children came to visit, bringing their partner with them.

 

[wenrob]

My kids-
If you are living under my roof no romantic partners in your room, no sleepovers w/said partner and no one is moving in here.
If you’re grown, living on your own and they are your significant other then yes, they’re welcome to stay in the same room with you. No one is moving in here. (Of course I’d take my kid in if need be.)

Friends/Family- As long as they’re someone you know and didn’t pick up at the bar last night I don’t care what you do. (No one is moving in here)

My dad and stepmother lived together before they got married and they stayed in the same room and I know it bugged my grandma. My DH and I lived together and we stayed separate when we visited her or my mom. My grandma hinted at us staying in separate rooms *after* we were married. His family insisted we stay in the same room. We had been together a couple years by then.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

I don't believe in pretense for the sake of morality or anything else and to pretend a committed adult couple is anything but a committed adult couple is ridiculous regardless of whose name happens to be on the mortgage.

 

[Piglet99645]

 

[wenrob]

I don't believe in pretense for the sake of morality or anything else and to pretend a committed adult couple is anything but a committed adult couple is ridiculous regardless of whose name happens to be on the mortgage.

As a guest I would not want to make my host uncomfortable. I knew it made my grandma uncomfortable so DH then SO slept on the couch. It was no big deal. If it was *that* important I’d just have gotten a room. It’s pretty simple, a couple of nights is not a hill to die on.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

As a guest I would not want to make my host uncomfortable. I knew it made my grandma uncomfortable so DH then SO slept on the couch. It was no big deal. If it was *that* important I’d just have gotten a room. It’s pretty simple, a couple of nights is not a hill to die on.

I actually don't disagree with you especially about making the host uncomfortable but then again if it's just a couple of nights and not a hill to die on can't that same thing be for the hosts?

 

[LYSE]

Adults:
These spaces can be used for sleeping, use them as you see fit, see you in the morning.

 

[Skippy918]

When I was dating Dh in college and went to visit him over break, his mom made us sleep in separate rooms. We abided by the rules. My folks had the same rule.

My kids are still young, but if they are in their 20s and coming for a visit with their significant other, and I know said significant other, then I have no problem with them sharing a room. At that point they are adults.

 

[evilmommie]

Mama of 4 adult humans. They all have had significant others, not married and have stayed in our house in the same bedroom. 3 of them are military AND first responders and that alone gives them the right to be with their partners, whenever they can. They love each other and have their own jobs and pay their own bills. Not my job to judge whether they have committed to marriage on paper.

We have our oldest getting married next year. She and her fiancé have already been living together and now built have built a house together. Not going to separate them in different rooms in my house, at this point.

 

[wenrob]

I actually don't disagree with you especially about making the host uncomfortable but then again if it's just a couple of nights and not a hill to die on can't that same thing be for the hosts?

It’s their house.

 

[pigletliz]

Mama of 4 adult humans. They all have had significant others, not married and have stayed in our house in the same bedroom. 3 of them are military AND first responders and that alone gives them the right to be with their partners, whenever they can. They love each other and have their own jobs and pay their own bills. Not my job to judge whether they have committed to marriage on paper.

We have our oldest getting married next year. She and her fiancé have already been living together and now built have built a house together. Not going to separate them in different rooms in my house, at this point.

I your superpower!

 

[brockash]

If they're already living together; why would you not "allow" them to sleep in the same room if they wanted. Are you just trying to make it uncomfortable and are hoping they don't stay with you in the future??? It seems so odd to me; that someone (parent or other) would try to dictate sleeping arrangements for 2 grown adults who seem to be responsible enough to pay their own bills.

I'm also very much against pressuring ppl. into marriage, so I guess that's part of my perspective.

 

[Karin1984]

If they sleep at home in one room, they should sleep in your home in one room. Everything else is denying or ignoring their relationship being serious.

Would you reverse it? If your parents come to stay at your place, would you make them sleep in separate rooms?

 

[AppleDumpling]

Frankly, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, OP. You have to do what you are comfortable with in your own home. Sounds to me like you have some reservations about them living together. It’s pretty clear DD knows this and out of respect for your feelings, opted to stay at a BnB in the past. I would say she is a thoughtful and loving daughter. And since the BF’s parents seem to share your conservative views, the couple shouldn’t be surprised by a request that they sleep separately. For a few days, it will be fine.

 

[nkereina]

I can't imagine telling adults in their 20s, especially ones who live together, that they can't sleep in the same room/bed. For what reason? Believe it or not, adults can sleep in the same bed and simply just *sleep*. I suspect most houseguests would do exactly that and not other things, if that's the concern.

Perhaps I'm bias, but I moved out of my parents house at age 19 and moved two hours away. My (now) DH and I were together for 11 years before we got married, and we visited my parents frequently during that time, always sharing a room. We lived together, had a dog together, were eventually engaged, now married. They trusted us at their house, and we respected their house. No problems.

 

[EACarlson]

Smoking and pets can cause damage and/or potential health hazards to the home owners. Drugs are illegal. Not quite the same as a moral objection.

There are still places where pre-marital sex is illegal, and some places where certain sex acts are illegal. Drugs are not illegal everywhere, nor are all kinds.

Before my wife and I got married each of our families had completely different approaches. The first time I met my future FIL, I introduced myself immediately after walking out of his daughter's bedroom in the morning. We had been dating for a little while, little did he know I was going to propose the next day.
Three months before our wedding my Grandfather required that we sleep in separate rooms even though we were living together. He was also a very devout Catholic so I'm sure that was part of it as well.