A sad choice for my friend

[ccgirl]

I´m curious to know. Does this mean you would never, ever, under any circumstances divorce your husband?

While no one could ever take a parent's place, I'd certainly want my kids to have as close to that relationship as possible with someone else if I were not able to be around anymore. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "there may be a step parent in the future but they will never take the place of us." You wouldn't want that person to step in and fully take the parent role and love the children as a parent would? Or just that you would want to make sure that the other parent were never forgotten. Would you not allow them to call the step parent "mom" or "dad" or refer to them as their parent?

Without going into specific details, we are very religious and divorce is not an option for us. Should one of us die, I would love for the step parent to be involved and loving. However, they would not hold the "title" of mom or dad. They would be stepmom or stepdad. We have had the discussion and we have come to the conclusion of what is right for us. I understand that does not mean it is right for everyone.

 

[NikitaZee]

Another good point. Are there benefits he may lose if she divorces him (since he will no longer be her spouse)?

I am not sure of the specifics of this, so bear with me if something is incorrect - when this happened, he was self-employed and she worked part time in a government position (now she is full time.) There was an issue as to benefits coverage, and Medicare now pays for his care. She was responsible for a large amount if his bill before medicare took over, and the hospital also has written down some of the bills. I think - but am not certain - that it would actually benefit her financially if she were not legally married to him anymore. However, I know that is NOT her motivation at all.

 

[snowywhite89]

He is relatively healthy. He learned how to eat, talk, walk again pretty quickly. He does have violent outbursts from time to time at the nursing home - he forgets that he can't leave and tries to go in the middle of the night and my friend gets called and drives in to help calm him down. As for taking care of the kids - her oldest two are 17 year old twins and they help with the younger two.

It seems he wants to go home so he must have some knowledge of what home is.

Why can't he go home? What medical problem keeps him at the nursing hom?

 

[JessicaR]

It seems he wants to go home so he must have some knowledge of what home is.

Why can't he go home? What medical problem keeps him at the nursing hom?

My Grandfather had alzheimer's to a degree that he mostly never recognized us or my grandmother. He wanted to go home too.

 

[ElizK]

We had a neighbor who's wife had a stroke that left her profoundly disabled. He divorced her, and immediately adopted her. He enabled himself to have a healthy relationship, but remained responsible for her.

 

[klacey1]

Maybe it's because I've been married for over 20 years, but when I think of losing my husband, the romance and sex are the last things on my mind. (Not that either of those wouldn't be missed.) I get a lot from my husband that I can't get from friends and family in terms of support and companionship and love. It's a totally different relationship than I have with others. I can't really say what I would do in that person's shoes, but I know that if my husband were faced with that choice, I'd want him to find someone else to share his life with in the way we have. It's not about the romance and sex. It's about having a partner. No matter how many supportive friends and family members this woman has, it isn't the same as having a partner, someone who lives the same life that you do and is always there.

I agree completely with this. For me personally-- I'd want him to find someone who could take care of him in that spousal way. I know he'd wish the same for me.
OP, my heart aches for your friend. I hope whatever she decides, she has lots of people to support her.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Hard to say how I feel as I am not in her shoes.

My first thought is that I hope I don't have to make such a decision. My second thought is that I *plan* to adhere to my vows.

Given what she has gone through--I just don't know.

My former boss suffered a traumatic brain injury a few years back. It is difficult to understand his present mentality. He makes unaware choices frequently. He can physically function on his own, but mentally, he is incapable of making decisions, especially contractual ones. He cannot work. He gets lonely. She still loves him and I saw them at church one day a while after the accident.

Through mutual friends---I have found out what I guess should be obvious. The stress level is high for her. Very high. He can live at home, but he wants her to be home to. She can't. She must work.


Anyway--she is staying with him. I don't have any knowledge if she has considered divorce as certainly their marriage is not the same. But she is sticking with it at least from what we can sEe.

It has not been an easy road.

I would hope that I have the support and strength to be able to do what she was able to do. But I pray that I never have to do so.

It is very sad. I'm sorry for your friend and the heartbreak she must be feeling. You are a wonderful friend.

 

[DisneyScraps]

The reason no one else supports is besides her 17 year old is it goes against the very thing we promise when we get married. Those vows are supposed to mean something and I am always so sad when they don't.

I feel for her and it's a difficult choice but she runs the risk of alienating everyone else she knows, that could be a cold dark place.

If you think about it a little larger, all the men and women that come back from Iraq or Afghanistan wounded, some never to be the same again,. should those spouses abandon them too?

think about who she might date. obvious question is what happened with your first marriage. Tell him the truth? He should run away and because she is saying, if it gets tough I am out of here.

This is one of those times when you have to say there but for the grace of God go I. No judgement I can't walk in her shows but from here I sit it's wrong.

I am so sorry for your friend and I wish her peace with what ever she decides!

Lisa

 

[snowywhite89]

I am not sure of the specifics of this, so bear with me if something is incorrect - when this happened, he was self-employed and she worked part time in a government position (now she is full time.) There was an issue as to benefits coverage, and Medicare now pays for his care. She was responsible for a large amount if his bill before medicare took over, and the hospital also has written down some of the bills. I think - but am not certain - that it would actually benefit her financially if she were not legally married to him anymore. However, I know that is NOT her motivation at all.

This is an example why one always needs to carry LTD and LTC insurance.

The LTD would bring in income so the spouse could choose to work rather than have to work.

The LTC would pay for care (ours pay 100% benefits at home and it is tax-free money if you pay 100% of the premium) at home or in a nursing home. This would give the ability to hire CMAs or the like for round the clock care.

 

[TinklednPants]

We had a neighbor who's wife had a stroke that left her profoundly disabled. He divorced her, and immediately adopted her. He enabled himself to have a healthy relationship, but remained responsible for her.

This I like

 

[Liberty Belle]

My Grandfather had alzheimer's to a degree that he mostly never recognized us or my grandmother. He wanted to go home too.

Same with my grandmother, and I'm not sure she even knew "where" home was. Half the time she thought she was still young and with her parents. It's very sad.

 

[BELLE1109]

A few years ago, I worked with a woman in a very similar situation. Her DH was also in a nursing home after a terrible accident. She remained married to him although she had a live-in boyfriend who she brought to many events. People talked. My heart went out to her. She visited her DH in the home 5 days a week and still managed all of his accounts and needs.

I would honestly want my DH to be there in the capacity she was for her DH if God forbid anything happened to me. It was a different type of love that what they had shared before, but she was still very much there for him.

 

[lovemygoofy]

The reason no one else supports is besides her 17 year old is it goes against the very thing we promise when we get married. Those vows are supposed to mean something and I am always so sad when they don't.

I feel for her and it's a difficult choice but she runs the risk of alienating everyone else she knows, that could be a cold dark place.

If you think about it a little larger, all the men and women that come back from Iraq or Afghanistan wounded, some never to be the same again,. should those spouses abandon them too?

think about who she might date. obvious question is what happened with your first marriage. Tell him the truth? He should run away and because she is saying, if it gets tough I am out of here.

This is one of those times when you have to say there but for the grace of God go I. No judgement I can't walk in her shows but from here I sit it's wrong.

I am so sorry for your friend and I wish her peace with what ever she decides!

Lisa

We are a military family. This question is always in our house.

I know more families in this situation than I have fingers and toes. I see devastated families and widows almost every day.

I don't know anyone that just ups and abondons their loved. The hell these families are in is something I'd never wish anyone.

One person I know has a husband that came back with PTSD and addicted to narcotics. He would hit her in the middle of the night because he would have a bad dream and she was asleep beside him. Her love never waivered but in the end she couldn't save him.

I know another spouse that goes to visit her husband every single day to feed him his supper. He has a brain injury so bad that he will never function again as a man. The spouse feeds him dinner and puts him to bed with a book. He plays with the children like they are classmates. They are married simply on paper now. She tells me it's like having another child and wished she could have a funeral for the husband she lost.

I don't think anyone is saying this woman is being heartless or uncaring. She has shown loyalty and no where has it been stated that she is going to abondon him completely. For all intents and purposes her husband is gone.

 

[curious3069]

I have a friend whose Father-in-law faced this same thing. Her mother-in-law had a brain tumor in the early 80's and became incapacitated, has been in a nursing home for years. She can't talk, eat, move, etc. by herself. He raised their 6 kids on his own, never got divorced, now has a girlfriend and his adult children all hate him for it. I understand why the kids are mad but I also understand that after a lifetime alone, he might want a little happiness for himself.

It's a horrible situation for all parties and it doesn't sound like your friend is taking it lightly at all. Ultimately she has to do what is right for herself and her kids and while it might not be a popular decision, they are the ones who have to face a life without a father and a husband and have to find a way to move on.

 

[mhsjax]

I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I look at my DH and think there is no way that I would divorce him if he were in the same situation. However, this woman is in her thirties. Will her DH be in a nursing home forever, will he die at a fairly young age? These are questions that I would have to know answers to.

I don't think there is any way that I would expect a woman to stay legally married to a man that may live to be 70 or 80 and in the nursing home the whole time. She could potentially spend 20-30 years alone. But I would expect her to have contact and go see him and let him see his kids.

This is a terrible situation and one that isn't black and white. I also think if they were much older it would be a different situation. I can totally see both sides.

 

[bellarella]

I haven't read all of the responses, but...

I feel terrible for this woman. Fortunately, my DH and I have talked about this issue. We have both made it perfectly clear that if either of us were to be in the position of this woman's husband that we absolutely want the other to move on with their lives. We both believe that something along this line fundamentally changes the person. Each of us believes that the other deserves to be in a relationship where there is reciprocity of affection (emotional, intellectual, physical, etc.). I would hate to think that if something were to happen to me that my husband would sacrifice the rest of his life to live up to society's view of marriage. If he were able to remain a part of my life that was appropriate to my mental state, *that* would be being faithful to our vows. Legal divorce or him finding another adult relationship would not at all be incompatible with what I would want for him.

 

[MoniqueU]

It would be a fast easy decision for me, I would not divorce him. The marriage vows to some mean everything but that wouldn't be my motivation for staying. I have zero desire to ever be with another in any circumstance. If my husband and I divorced or he passed on tomorrow I would not move on with someone else. What I share with my DH and his roll in the life of my kids can't be filled my a new person or a new life. I just wouldn't be able to be with anyone else regardless of the other issues/

 

[BroganMc]

My view on companionship and romance changes as I get older. When I was younger, romance was everything to me. The ultimate goal in every male/female relationship. Now as I have matured and realize there are many types of relationships and more types of losses and disappointments, well romance is a much smaller level in the totem pole of life.

It sounds like OP's friend is burned out from her experience of the last few years. For that I have great sympathy for her.

Idealistically I have mixed views. I would never be able to abandon someone I promised to be with forever. Not for illness. It would be breaking my word to myself. But if I had someone in my life who didn't want to be there anymore, I'd want them to just go. I have lived with disability and special needs all my life. The last thing I want is someone who thinks of me as a burden or obstacle to their lives in mine. I don't want to become a source of resentment for them.

It doesn't sound like there's any easy answer here. The husband probably won't understand his wife walking away. His family will probably be bitter about it. The younger kids may never understand it either. And possibly the wife will find another sweetheart to fill her perceived needs, or else she'll never shake a sense of guilt and loss for what she had.

All you can do in this situation is pray. Pray for wisdom and guidance. And as a friend you be a sounding board.

 

[englishteacha]

It is a very difficult decision. I have a dear friend whose first husband had an accident that resulted in a brain injury. His personality changed and he became cruel and violent. She divorced him because he was no longer the same person, and she didn't feel safe. I have another friend whose husband developed dementia from an infection (he refused medical treatment). They are still married but she is looking forward to the time when she can have him live in a home of some kind. He is no longer the man she married, and if he had taken care of himself, he wouldn't have developed dementia in the first place.

I don't know what I would do. No one can know what they would do unless they were living it. I just happen to know two women in a similar situation to your friend.

 

[NikitaZee]

It would be a fast easy decision for me, I would not divorce him. The marriage vows to some mean everything but that wouldn't be my motivation for staying. I have zero desire to ever be with another in any circumstance. If my husband and I divorced or he passed on tomorrow I would not move on with someone else. What I share with my DH and his roll in the life of my kids can't be filled my a new person or a new life. I just wouldn't be able to be with anyone else regardless of the other issues/

This is exactly how my husband feels. It is comforting to me to know that he feels this way, but also makes me feel a little guilty because I can imagine myself moving on, after awhile. He thinks that means I must love him less than he loves me, which is completely untrue. I can see how this is such a deeply felt subject for us all.

My view on companionship and romance changes as I get older. When I was younger, romance was everything to me. The ultimate goal in every male/female relationship. Now as I have matured and realize there are many types of relationships and more types of losses and disappointments, well romance is a much smaller level in the totem pole of life.

It sounds like OP's friend is burned out from her experience of the last few years. For that I have great sympathy for her.

Idealistically I have mixed views. I would never be able to abandon someone I promised to be with forever. Not for illness. It would be breaking my word to myself. But if I had someone in my life who didn't want to be there anymore, I'd want them to just go. I have lived with disability and special needs all my life. The last thing I want is someone who thinks of me as a burden or obstacle to their lives in mine. I don't want to become a source of resentment for them.

It doesn't sound like there's any easy answer here. The husband probably won't understand his wife walking away. His family will probably be bitter about it. The younger kids may never understand it either. And possibly the wife will find another sweetheart to fill her perceived needs, or else she'll never shake a sense of guilt and loss for what she had.

All you can do in this situation is pray. Pray for wisdom and guidance. And as a friend you be a sounding board.

Wise words.