A sad choice for my friend

[nathalee81]

I look at this way, I would not want my husband to stay with me in scenario. Would I want him to visit? Yes. Would I want to him to let the kids visit? Yes. Would I want him to give up the rest of his life? No. I love my husband will all my heart and I would not want him to go on with the rest of his life without the companionship and love he deserves.
That being said, I hope this is not a decision my husband and I ever have to make.
What an awful situation. I feel for your friend and wish her well in whatever decision she makes.

 

[Scurvy]

The parents are correct. If she does divorce him she will break away from him. That is pretty obvious there.

I agree with this. I seriously doubt that she would spend as much time with him once she has a new boyfriend, no matter what she think about that right now. For one thing, the time with the boyfriend has to come from somewhere. Plus, most boyfriends aren't going to encourage their girlfriends to spend time with a brain damaged ex-husband. Sounds cold, I know, but realistically they are going to want to focus on their own lives together and their own future. He won't be her husband any longer, and once someone has replaced him he just isn't going to be as high a priority as he is right now.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He knows they are 'married', but forgets what married means. He knows he has children, but they are more like friends or peers in his mind than his offspring. He has short term memory issues, he is happy to see them but not sad when they leave, if that makes sense.

That is tough one. I suppose I would be supportive whatever she decides to do.

 

[Maryr1]

A marriage liscense is a piece of paper.It holds me legally tied to my husband. My vows were made before God. They hold me spiritually tied to my husband. This poor woman has a responsibility to her children-financially, being married could very well ruin her and take a safe future away from her children. I have mixed feelings about this but I know as her friend I would support her as she struggles with this decision. I fear this is a no win situation as it is very emotional for all involved. I will pray for her.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Wow so very sorry for her. I think she should consult a lawyer and find out exactly what her alternatives are.

1) Does she want to maintain responsibility for him and his condition. Keep control of his medical care? Keep control of his assests?

2) If she divorces him, who will represent his voice and how much is he entitled to receive--- in other words will his family turn nasty and try to milk her for everything?

3) What does it mean for health/life insurance.

This is all I could think of right now, but these are all things she should consult a lawyer about.

 

[DizBelle]

Am I the only one wondering why she has to get a divorce to have male companionship?

Only if she wants to marry someone else does she need to dissolve her current marriage.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I couldn't divorce him. IMO that isn't right he didn't ask to be sick, would she want him to leave her if she got cancer or MS or some other illness?

Now I would have no problem with her getting on with her life and going out with friends, traveling, etc.

The family is right in my experience if she remarries she will loose interest in him and he will become an afterthought to be visited on holidays or occasionally. It is inevitable, and what about the youngest? will she really keep them in their lives as much if there is another Dad in the picture? I would be upset if I was his family also, they are hurting and grieving and now his wife is dumping him and taking the kids away. They have to be heartbroken.

IMO, you can't compare this to cancer or other physical illness. In those cases, that person is maintaining their faculties. Certainly a good marriage should be based on more than just physical relations and somebody with a chronic/terminal illness can maintain that emotional relationship as well or at least has the potential to. In this case, the man cannot.

Based on the OP's description, this marriage no longer means anything to the man. He doesn't even seem to comprehend what marriage is. That would not be the case of somebody with cancer or MS or another physical ailment.

Why did you marry your spouse? Because you loved them, right? But didn't you have some expectations in return? What if the person you loved before you got married went into an irreversible coma? Would you still marry them then? Probably not. Why not? You would still love them, but they wouldn't be able to reciprocate. Now imagine being 30 and knowing that you are no longer able to receive any kind of reciprocation of your love, either physical or emotional. Now imagine that you are lonely and wanting some form of companionship, but that you are not entitled to it for however long your current spouse is alive, despite the fact that your marriage now means nothing to him. I can't imagine how incredibly hard that might be.

I'm not saying that she is making the "right" choice in this. I just don't think there is a right or wrong choice and until we have walked a mile in her shoes, who are we to judge?

 

[ccgirl]

Am I the only one wondering why she has to get a divorce to have male companionship?

Only if she wants to marry someone else does she need to dissolve her current marriage.

I think she is looking for physical companionship and does not want to commit adultery, perhaps? I'm sure the OP would know better than I.

 

[handinpocket]

I will give no advice on what your friend should do, I will only say what I would do. I took wedding vows, for better or for worse and I would honor those vows, as would my husband.

 

[NikitaZee]

Am I the only one wondering why she has to get a divorce to have male companionship?

Only if she wants to marry someone else does she need to dissolve her current marriage.

She has thought about entering the dating scene, and it didn't feel right to her. She didn't think it was a good example to set for her girls. She wants a relationship, long term companionship, possibly marriage in the future.

 

[disneystacy]

I look at this way, I would not want my husband to stay with me in scenario. Would I want him to visit? Yes. Would I want to him to let the kids visit? Yes. Would I want him to give up the rest of his life? No. I love my husband will all my heart and I would not want him to go on with the rest of his life without the companionship and love he deserves.
That being said, I hope this is not a decision my husband and I ever have to make.
What an awful situation. I feel for your friend and wish her well in whatever decision she makes.

This is exactly how I feel.

 

[wvjules]

If I were the husband I would not want my wife to have to spend the rest of her life tied to me. She deserves better than that. She deserves companionship. She deserves to be loved. I can't imagine asking someone I love to make that kind of sacrafice for me. I would want her to move on and be happy and have a long, wonderful life, even if it was without me.

 

[Scurvy]

Now imagine that you are lonely and wanting some form of companionship, but that you are not entitled to it for however long your current spouse is alive, despite the fact that your marriage now means nothing to him. I can't imagine how incredibly hard that might be.

There's no point in sugar coating it, though. It isn't just companionship she wants, and this isn't just because she's lonely. Because she can have friends. She can have all the close friendships that she wants. There's no need for her to be isolated just because she has a husband who can't participate in the marriage. Obviously, what she wants is romance and sex. She can't get those things from her husband and she can't get them from platonic friends. Those are the things she can't get without getting a divorce, unless she wants to feel like she's cheating.

Some people go for many years without sex and romance. Companionship and friendship may be a necessity for everyone but romance isn't, even if it's nice to have. Now it may be important enough to her that she will divorce her husband over it. Only she can decide that. But if she decides to stay married to her husband, she isn't doomed to a life of isolation. She will have her children and the rest of her family and her friends. She just won't have romance and sex.

 

[can'tgetenufofwdw]

My thoughts are completly ramdom as I type but all I can think of is...........All of these people judging her probably have a man in their life for all those nights when the power goes out, when their car breaks down,when their is 10 inches of snow in the driveway. They have someone to hold them at night and they feel safe, loved and protected. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel a woman is defined by the man in her life. I am a very independent person but of course I rely on my husband for many things. Some of them I can do myself but I admit sometimes it's nice to feel "taken care of". Any woman who says they have never felt that way is lying. I hope I am making sense and not sounding ridiculous. My thoughs are spinning. I don't even know this poor woman and I feel so bad for her. She has nobody to talk to at the end of her day about the kids, their achievements and their wants and needs. Everybody who is so strongly dogging her probably says "call me if you need anything". Can she call YOUR husband at any time day or nite. Are you willing to drop what your doing with your family to go be with her and hers? I think she can still care deeply for this man and be concerned for him but I also believe she deserves companionship, human touch and to feel loved. I think with therapy she can also help her children have a better understanding. They can still love their dad and be involved with him but don't the kkids also deserve a "dad" cheering them on for all of their achievements. I think if handled very delicately, everybody can come out of this a winner. Many hugs to your friend

 

[wvjules]

There's no point in sugar coating it, though. It isn't just companionship she wants, and this isn't just because she's lonely. Because she can have friends. She can have all the close friendships that she wants. There's no need for her to be isolated just because she has a husband who can't participate in the marriage. Obviously, what she wants is romance and sex. She can't get those things from her husband and she can't get them from platonic friends. Those are the things she can't get without getting a divorce, unless she wants to feel like she's cheating.

Some people go for many years without sex and romance. Companionship and friendship may be a necessity for everyone but romance isn't, even if it's nice to have. Now it may be important enough to her that she will divorce her husband over it. Only she can decide that. But if she decides to stay married to her husband, she isn't doomed to a life of isolation. She will have her children and the rest of her family and her friends. She just won't have romance and sex.

Would you want to have a lifetime void of romance and sex? We're not talking 'many years', we're talking a LIFETIME. I would not want my spouse to have to life life like that. I would want her to move on and be happy.

 

[NikitaZee]

My thoughts are completly ramdom as I type but all I can think of is...........All of these people judging her probably have a man in their life for all those nights when the power goes out, when their car breaks down,when their is 10 inches of snow in the driveway. They have someone to hold them at night and they feel safe, loved and protected. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel a woman is defined by the man in her life. I am a very independent person but of course I rely on my husband for many things. Some of them I can do myself but I admit sometimes it's nice to feel "taken care of". Any woman who says they have never felt that way is lying. I hope I am making sense and not sounding ridiculous. My thoughs are spinning. I don't even know this poor woman and I feel so bad for her. She has nobody to talk to at the end of her day about the kids, their achievements and their wants and needs. Everybody who is so strongly dogging her probably says "call me if you need anything". Can she call YOUR husband at any time day or nite. Are you willing to drop what your doing with your family to go be with her and hers? I think she can still care deeply for this man and be concerned for him but I also believe she deserves companionship, human touch and to feel loved. I think with therapy she can also help her children have a better understanding. They can still love their dad and be involved with him but don't the kkids also deserve a "dad" cheering them on for all of their achievements. I think if handled very delicately, everybody can come out of this a winner. Many hugs to your friend

Yes. You have really nailed it here. She has had to completely redefine her role as mother/father/breadwinner/handyman in her life. She was lucky enough to have a government job, but with his income lost she really struggled for a good year or more. They were very much in love - HS sweethearts who I remember turning up the radio and dancing around their kitchen just a week before this tragedy happened. She has made peace with never having their marriage back, now she wants the romance, love, companionship, and yes - sex - back in her life. I know this would absolutely crush me if I were In her shoes, but I have seen her go through several stages of grief, and I think she is firmly at the acceptance phase now. She just has so much guilt as well.

 

[rie'smom]

It's so easy to sit here in our nice comfortable living rooms to say that she is a horrible person and should honor her vows. But have any of us ever been faced with such a hard decision?

It's not like the man got hurt yesterday. It sounds like she has already stuck by him for quite a long time and intends to. But it also sounds like she is very lonely and not getting a lot of support.

Sitting next to my husband right now I can't imagine making the decision that it sounds like she is trying to make, but I also can't imagine what it must be like to go through that. All I can say is that if it were me in that bed, I would want my husband to find happiness, even if that meant without me.

IMO, you can't compare this to cancer or other physical illness. In those cases, that person is maintaining their faculties. Certainly a good marriage should be based on more than just physical relations and somebody with a chronic/terminal illness can maintain that emotional relationship as well or at least has the potential to. In this case, the man cannot.

Based on the OP's description, this marriage no longer means anything to the man. He doesn't even seem to comprehend what marriage is. That would not be the case of somebody with cancer or MS or another physical ailment.

Why did you marry your spouse? Because you loved them, right? But didn't you have some expectations in return? What if the person you loved before you got married went into an irreversible coma? Would you still marry them then? Probably not. Why not? You would still love them, but they wouldn't be able to reciprocate. Now imagine being 30 and knowing that you are no longer able to receive any kind of reciprocation of your love, either physical or emotional. Now imagine that you are lonely and wanting some form of companionship, but that you are not entitled to it for however long your current spouse is alive, despite the fact that your marriage now means nothing to him. I can't imagine how incredibly hard that might be.

I'm not saying that she is making the "right" choice in this. I just don't think there is a right or wrong choice and until we have walked a mile in her shoes, who are we to judge?

Why are we expressing our opinions? Because the OP asked. I haven't seen anyone call the woman in question horrible. I've been married 29 years and I would have stood by my husband from day 1. How do i know this? Because when I made a vow I meant it.

BTW, with some cancers and other catastrophic illnesses, the person does change and is not the same person nor do they always "retain their faculties".

 

[snowywhite89]

My DH and I took vows that included "in sickness". If I left I would be violating my vows.

I would get counseling and help coping with losing the man I married but he is still the man I love. I would have to come to terms with my new norm.

There is no way I could be having sex with another man knowing my husband was alive but ill.

 

[Rora]

My thoughts are completly ramdom as I type but all I can think of is...........All of these people judging her probably have a man in their life for all those nights when the power goes out, when their car breaks down,when their is 10 inches of snow in the driveway. They have someone to hold them at night and they feel safe, loved and protected. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel a woman is defined by the man in her life. I am a very independent person but of course I rely on my husband for many things. Some of them I can do myself but I admit sometimes it's nice to feel "taken care of". Any woman who says they have never felt that way is lying. I hope I am making sense and not sounding ridiculous. My thoughs are spinning. I don't even know this poor woman and I feel so bad for her. She has nobody to talk to at the end of her day about the kids, their achievements and their wants and needs. Everybody who is so strongly dogging her probably says "call me if you need anything". Can she call YOUR husband at any time day or nite. Are you willing to drop what your doing with your family to go be with her and hers? I think she can still care deeply for this man and be concerned for him but I also believe she deserves companionship, human touch and to feel loved. I think with therapy she can also help her children have a better understanding. They can still love their dad and be involved with him but don't the kkids also deserve a "dad" cheering them on for all of their achievements. I think if handled very delicately, everybody can come out of this a winner. Many hugs to your friend

Yes, yes, yes.

I've been thinking about this thread since I posted and this post really sums up my feelings.

Again, my heart breaks for this woman.

 

[bethbuchall]

There's no point in sugar coating it, though. It isn't just companionship she wants, and this isn't just because she's lonely. Because she can have friends. She can have all the close friendships that she wants. There's no need for her to be isolated just because she has a husband who can't participate in the marriage. Obviously, what she wants is romance and sex. She can't get those things from her husband and she can't get them from platonic friends. Those are the things she can't get without getting a divorce, unless she wants to feel like she's cheating.

Some people go for many years without sex and romance. Companionship and friendship may be a necessity for everyone but romance isn't, even if it's nice to have. Now it may be important enough to her that she will divorce her husband over it. Only she can decide that. But if she decides to stay married to her husband, she isn't doomed to a life of isolation. She will have her children and the rest of her family and her friends. She just won't have romance and sex.

Maybe it's because I've been married for over 20 years, but when I think of losing my husband, the romance and sex are the last things on my mind. (Not that either of those wouldn't be missed.) I get a lot from my husband that I can't get from friends and family in terms of support and companionship and love. It's a totally different relationship than I have with others. I can't really say what I would do in that person's shoes, but I know that if my husband were faced with that choice, I'd want him to find someone else to share his life with in the way we have. It's not about the romance and sex. It's about having a partner. No matter how many supportive friends and family members this woman has, it isn't the same as having a partner, someone who lives the same life that you do and is always there.