A sad choice for my friend

[Scurvy]

Would you want to have a lifetime void of romance and sex? We're not talking 'many years', we're talking a LIFETIME. I would not want my spouse to have to life life like that. I would want her to move on and be happy.

No, of course I wouldn't. I would want a fairytale lifetime with my husband. And I assume she wanted a perfect lifetime with her husband. But as heartbreaking as it is, we don't always get what we want. She can still have a lifetime with him, though it won't be the lifetime either of them wanted or expected. If she stays married to him and he dies first, she might find romance with someone else after that. But yes, if she stays with him and doesn't cheat she may well go the remainder of her life without it. Is staying married to him worth that sacrifice? Only she can decide that.

Whether she should stay with him and do without those things is a very personal choice. Certainly, romance and sex are important. To her, they may be important enough that she will choose to get a divorce. To some people, they may not as important as some other things - like their wedding vows for example.

I just think some posts seem to paint this as an "all or nothing" situation, when it isn't. She won't be alone for the rest of her life if she stays with him. She can have a life surrounded by people she cares about. She just can't have a romantic and sexual relationship.

 

[lovemygoofy]

There's no point in sugar coating it, though. It isn't just companionship she wants, and this isn't just because she's lonely. Because she can have friends. She can have all the close friendships that she wants. There's no need for her to be isolated just because she has a husband who can't participate in the marriage. Obviously, what she wants is romance and sex. She can't get those things from her husband and she can't get them from platonic friends. Those are the things she can't get without getting a divorce, unless she wants to feel like she's cheating.

Some people go for many years without sex and romance. Companionship and friendship may be a necessity for everyone but romance isn't, even if it's nice to have. Now it may be important enough to her that she will divorce her husband over it. Only she can decide that. But if she decides to stay married to her husband, she isn't doomed to a life of isolation. She will have her children and the rest of her family and her friends. She just won't have romance and sex.

Really?? All someone gets out of a marriage is romance and sex??

This poor lady for all intents and purposes has lost her husband and gained a grown child/man. She no longer has a partner, a confidant, an emotional support, a father to her children in addition to the romance and sex part.

Marriage is so much more than romance and sex and I can't really think that this is her bottom line. I can't imagine a lifetime of being alone but being married. I understand for better and worse but honestly her husband is gone. The man she married is no longer in the man that lives in the nursing home.

I can't imagine not wanting her to be happy. I would never want my husband to suspend his life if I could not share the journey with him.

 

[mainstreetmagic]

My question is this -

In all the years they were together (and it was obviously a long time, if they have a 17 year old child together), did they never, not ONCE, have the "What if..." conversation? ' What if something happened to me, if I died, would you want me to move on?' 'If I was in an accident, or in a vegetative state for the rest of my life, what would you do?' Don't all couples have this conversation???

It seems to me that this is such a personal thing, and it is going to be tough no matter what she decides. But if they had that conversation sometime, she should go back to that and trust in what he told her, when he was of sound mind, that his wishes were. She should let that be her guide.

You are a very good friend. She is lucky to have you!

 

[NikitaZee]

I really appreciate everyone's responses, it makes it less sad for me sitting here thinking about it. So many varied opinions as well - my husband and I are of different opinions in this matter. He has told me he would never, ever divorce me in this situation - and I told him I would want him to move on and be happy - and he didn't like that answer one bit!

 

[dzorn]

She has thought about entering the dating scene, and it didn't feel right to her. She didn't think it was a good example to set for her girls. She wants a relationship, long term companionship, possibly marriage in the future.

Well that sound like she has already made up her mind. What example is she setting for her kids by dumping her husband. She she ready to lose half of their joint assets?

Denise in MI

 

[SaraJayne]

Really?? All someone gets out of a marriage is romance and sex??

This poor lady for all intents and purposes has lost her husband and gained a grown child/man. She no longer has a partner, a confidant, an emotional support, a father to her children in addition to the romance and sex part.

Marriage is so much more than romance and sex and I can't really think that this is her bottom line. I can't imagine a lifetime of being alone but being married. I understand for better and worse but honestly her husband is gone. The man she married is no longer in the man that lives in the nursing home.

I can't imagine not wanting her to be happy. I would never want my husband to suspend his life if I could not share the journey with him.

This. Exactly.

She no longer has the husband she married. The man she expected to be her partner is gone forever. She can't live her life for her children. She has to live it for herself.

What a terrible situation for your friend. I would support her as she goes through her divorce. And judging by what perfect strangers say about her in this thread, I'm sure people that know her will be even nastier in their comments if she does divorce him.

 

[JessicaR]

Really?? All someone gets out of a marriage is romance and sex??

This poor lady for all intents and purposes has lost her husband and gained a grown child/man. She no longer has a partner, a confidant, an emotional support, a father to her children in addition to the romance and sex part.

Marriage is so much more than romance and sex and I can't really think that this is her bottom line. I can't imagine a lifetime of being alone but being married. I understand for better and worse but honestly her husband is gone. The man she married is no longer in the man that lives in the nursing home.

I can't imagine not wanting her to be happy. I would never want my husband to suspend his life if I could not share the journey with him.

Very unselfish.

 

[nathalee81]

Yes. You have really nailed it here. She has had to completely redefine her role as mother/father/breadwinner/handyman in her life. She was lucky enough to have a government job, but with his income lost she really struggled for a good year or more. They were very much in love - HS sweethearts who I remember turning up the radio and dancing around their kitchen just a week before this tragedy happened. She has made peace with never having their marriage back, now she wants the romance, love, companionship, and yes - sex - back in her life. I know this would absolutely crush me if I were In her shoes, but I have seen her go through several stages of grief, and I think she is firmly at the acceptance phase now. She just has so much guilt as well.

Oh my, this just made my heart break a little more for your friend.

I am just so sorry she is going through this.

 

[Scurvy]

Maybe it's because I've been married for over 20 years, but when I think of losing my husband, the romance and sex are the last things on my mind. (Not that either of those wouldn't be missed.) I get a lot from my husband that I can't get from friends and family in terms of support and companionship and love. It's a totally different relationship than I have with others. I can't really say what I would do in that person's shoes, but I know that if my husband were faced with that choice, I'd want him to find someone else to share his life with in the way we have. It's not about the romance and sex. It's about having a partner. No matter how many supportive friends and family members this woman has, it isn't the same as having a partner, someone who lives the same life that you do and is always there.

I can understand that. I've been married almost 16 years and the most important thing to me about my marriage isn't romance or sex, it's my husband specifically. He is my partner, and if something happened to him I don't believe I could replace him with someone else. I wouldn't want another partner, I would want him as my partner. If something happened to change him, I believe would stay with him because I made vows and would want to keep them, and also because he is my husband and I would rather stay with him than have some other partner, even if our life together isn't what we would have hoped for. If he wasn't really a partner any longer then I would try to fill my life with other friends and family and hope I could be satisfied with that. Obviously that isn't the right answer for everyone. My view on this may be colored by the fact that I know several widows who have chosen not to date or remarry, and who live fairly full and happy lives without a partner. I imagine not everyone would be satisfied with a life like that.

 

[Freyja]

How horrible to leave your husband or wife like that!!

Sorry but your SO did not ask for the injury. What if he was paralized and could not perform in the bedroom? So she should divorce him in that case?

Sorry but you stick it out.

How you can compare mental capabilities of a teen to physical injury is beyond my comprehension. This man is no longer the man she married.

DH and I had this very discussion just a few days ago and we both agreed that we would "move on". We would always love each other for the time we had and respect each other for the rest of our lives but our relationship would not continue to be a marriage if one of us could no longer participate in it.

 

[Scurvy]

Really?? All someone gets out of a marriage is romance and sex??
This poor lady for all intents and purposes has lost her husband and gained a grown child/man. She no longer has a partner, a confidant, an emotional support, a father to her children in addition to the romance and sex part.

Marriage is so much more than romance and sex and I can't really think that this is her bottom line. I can't imagine a lifetime of being alone but being married. I understand for better and worse but honestly her husband is gone. The man she married is no longer in the man that lives in the nursing home.

I can't imagine not wanting her to be happy. I would never want my husband to suspend his life if I could not share the journey with him.

No, of course it's not all you get out of a marriage. Hopefully I explained that better in my later posts. But you can get a confidant and emotional support from friends. You don't have to get those from a spouse.

 

[bethbuchall]

I can understand that. I've been married almost 16 years and the most important thing to me about my marriage isn't romance or sex, it's my husband specifically. He is my partner, and if something happened to him I don't believe I could replace him with someone else. I wouldn't want another partner, I would want him as my partner. If something happened to change him, I believe would stay with him because I made vows and would want to keep them, and also because he is my husband and I would rather stay with him than have some other partner, even if our life together isn't what we would have hoped for. If he wasn't really a partner any longer then I would try to fill my life with other friends and family and hope I could be satisfied with that. Obviously that isn't the right answer for everyone. My view on this may be colored by the fact that I know several widows who have chosen not to date or remarry, and who live fairly full and happy lives without a partner. I imagine not everyone would be satisfied with a life like that.

That's why I said that I can't say for certain what I'd do. I can't imagine anyone else as my partner. I do know others who have lost their partner young that have a wonderful, full life with a new partner without any loss of what that first one meant. Without being in that situation, I can't be absolutely certain how I would feel, though I don't think I'll ever want another partner at this point in my life. I certainly can't judge how someone else feels.

 

[Hannathy]

She has thought about entering the dating scene, and it didn't feel right to her. She didn't think it was a good example to set for her girls. She wants a relationship, long term companionship, possibly marriage in the future.

And walking out on her husband because he got sick and isn't perfect anymore is a better one?

 

[NikitaZee]

My question is this -

In all the years they were together (and it was obviously a long time, if they have a 17 year old child together), did they never, not ONCE, have the "What if..." conversation? ' What if something happened to me, if I died, would you want me to move on?' 'If I was in an accident, or in a vegetative state for the rest of my life, what would you do?' Don't all couples have this conversation???

It seems to me that this is such a personal thing, and it is going to be tough no matter what she decides. But if they had that conversation sometime, she should go back to that and trust in what he told her, when he was of sound mind, that his wishes were. She should let that be her guide.

You are a very good friend. She is lucky to have you!

Thank you. As far as them having that conversation before, I think they did, but only insofar as coma and life support went. In the immediate aftermath of his collapse, everyone at the hospital (family speaking) just wanted so desperately for his life to be saved that thoughts of how much mental capacity he would/could regain was a secondary consideration.

 

[ccgirl]

How you can compare mental capabilities of a teen to physical injury is beyond my comprehension. This man is no longer the man she married.

DH and I had this very discussion just a few days ago and we both agreed that we would "move on". We would always love each other for the time we had and respect each other for the rest of our lives but our relationship would not continue to be a marriage if one of us could no longer participate in it.

But that's where some opinions differ. Some people feel, me included, that he IS the man she married. He has been injured (albeit serverely) but he is the man she married. This is the worse in for better or worse and the sickness in sickness and health. I certainly wouldn't be looking for a replacement for the children's daddy. My DH and myself have discussed that should something happen to us our children would only ever have one mommy or one daddy. If one of us should die, there may be a step parent in the future but they will never take the place of us. We agreed (my DH and myself) that our vow said til death do us part. We fully intend to keep those vows. To us, death means actually going to heaven and ceasing to live on this earth. It does not mean living in a nursing home. Would I ever judge someone for making a decision different from my own? No. The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine, for what it is worth. I really hope everyone involved is getting some counseling. I can't imagine how difficult this is for everyone involved.

As another OP asked....did she ever have "the" conversation with her husband?

 

[HelenePA]

I would hope DH would move on. I would not want him spending the rest of his life taking care of a child like me... I would want him to be happy, she does not sound happy.

 

[NikitaZee]

And walking out on her husband because he got sick and isn't perfect anymore is a better one?

All I can say is, she is really struggling with this. She doesn't feel good about either option, but she is looking ahead and seeing a bleak picture for herself the way things are now.

 

[Freyja]

And walking out on her husband because he got sick and isn't perfect anymore is a better one?

Oh please! He husband isn´t just "not perfect", he simply isn´t there anymore. He does not participate in their day to day lives, he does not raise his children, he is not there to support his wife when she needs it. This scenario is not equal to someone becoming sick for a while and ending up in hospital for a couple of months.

 

[JessicaR]

Thank you. As far as them having that conversation before, I think they did, but only insofar as coma and life support went. In the immediate aftermath of his collapse, everyone at the hospital (family speaking) just wanted so desperately for his life to be saved that thoughts of how much mental capacity he would/could regain was a secondary consideration.

I'm just curious. Aside from his initial incident. How is his health? Is he now fine with no other health issues? I don't ask because it has a bearing to an opinion to you question. I was just wondering.

I am curious - how does your friend support 5 children with no help? She has my greatest sympathy. So sorry for her situation. So sad.

 

[Hannathy]

All I can say is, she is really struggling with this. She doesn't feel good about either option, but she is looking ahead and seeing a bleak picture for herself the way things are now.

I understand but as someone else said that is the worse in for better or worse, it isn't for better or not so bad.....