a little advice please...

[Microcell]

My only hesitation would be Remy. Not too long ago she was having some issues. I'd be concerned about relocating her to a different country and how that might affect her state of mind. Definitely something to discuss with the therapist I guess.

I was thinking that, but if her problems stem from her dad being away, it might serve as a good distraction to see and do new things. Does she have an opinion on it? I would also check with her therapist.

 

[snoopy]

I tend to agree with those who feel that moving to Italy for such a short period of time might not be beneficial to your daughter's well being at this point. Kids are pretty resiliant, but under the circumstances, I think I would stay put for now.

 

[Microcell]

Listen to yourself. This kid is going to start yet ANOTHER new school and 3 months after that you are going to yank her out of it so you can go to Italy only to bring her back 3 months later to try to pick up where she left off.

I can't believe that you are saying that she loves the life she has. Obviously she doesn't if she is hurting herself and I am not sure why you can't see that.

Your daughter is emotionally disturbed!! She is hurting herself!! A few weeks (or even months) of therapy is not going to make that all better. IMO shlepping her off to Italy in the middle of that is unconscionable and reprehensible.

And as for the people cheering you on in this endeavor.....

Wait just one minute! That seems harsh. I am all for the needs of Remy, but this might be GOOD for her! There are many kids with dads in Iraq and that get moved around alot, who are not hurting themselves. She would most likely hurt herself if her dad worked 9 to 5 in some office and they never moved. This seems to be the way she has chosen to deal with her anxiety. She needs to focus on figuring out how to deal with her emotions in a better way, and who is to say it has to be done here? One of the biggest components in changing behavior is a change in location (the old drug treatment idea of getting away from the triggers). It might well enable her to see things differently to be away from the home where her dad is not, or the Dairy Queen he took her to, or the grocery store he got her favorite snack at with her etc...

I said to check with Remy and her therapist. I will also suggest getting her in therapy there. OP has demonstrated over many posts that she is young, but very mature for her age. I have never gotten an indication that she wants to run wild and only thinks of herself. I have never seen a post of hers that talks about anything concerning sewing her young oats. Give her a little credit.

 

[Microcell]

The logic here keeps me wondering, if you say she needs stability, and not be moved around, then shouldn't dad go AWOL, get a dishonorable discharge and get into civilian life?

What if he wouldn't do that? Should OP get a divorce and then Remy could be from a broken home?

If she is a military child, then these are situations that will not go away. The main point is that she needs to learn to better deal with these feelings, not that life should stop.

I myself was in an unhealthy situation as a kid, with thoughts of suicide, hopelessness and dispair. It took being out of the middle of it to help me see my way clear to alternative behaviors.

 

[Keli]

I'm sure that Remy's needs are your first concern here and I see both schools of thought: A.) Remy needs stability while she learns to channel her anxiety into healthier forms of release and B.) That with her dad's upcoming deployment this might be a great distraction for her, espcially since if you don't visit she will be losing friends to Italy while she dealing with her dad's deployment.

I'm not sure what the best answer is here but I lean towards staying home. Somehow it seems like if her school is the same, her home is the same, her mom and sister are still the same that would help her deal with the loss of daddy and friends. But you, your dh, and Remy's therapist know her best and I'm sure that the plan you decide to follow after the three of you put your heads together will be the best one for Remy.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Will you be in LaMadelana? Or Sardina?

My brother was stationed in Italy for what was supposed to be 2 years, but they loved it so much over there, he had it extended another year.

My SIL fell in LOVE with Italy. I was getting nervous that they were going to retire over there, and not come home.

I would say GO! Think of the experience Remy will have.

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

Just in from vacation and trying to catch up on the Dis!

We lived in Germany when DH was an active duty Army Captain in the early 90's. DS was born over there too. You may have to be command sponsored for her to enroll in a school-meaning you must have orders I think.?? Maybe there is a space available option-I don't know since DS was a baby.

What I would do in your situation is not move there for 2-3 months. I would look into a 3 week trip around Remy's Springbreak-I imagine missing 2 other weeks of school would be ok since there is SO much to see in Europe that is educational. We had many visitors during our 3 years there, most for 2 weeks and they saw plenty (Germany, Austria, France, England etc.). A 3 week trip would give you all something to look forward to. Could be a good diversion. I did visit the states 3 times during our tour there and each visit was $1000 a plane ticket, through the military. Maybe there is a cheaper way now?

I don't think I could move my school age children for such a short time. I do think they would have trouble dealing with that (DD especially). I do think a vacation would be great though. Anyway, I am sure the therapist will give you good advice on this.

ETA: You may not be eligible for medical/dental care overseas either, unless command sponsored. Just things to think about.

 

[meandtheguys2]

The logic here keeps me wondering, if you say she needs stability, and not be moved around, then shouldn't dad go AWOL, get a dishonorable discharge and get into civilian life?

What if he wouldn't do that? Should OP get a divorce and then Remy could be from a broken home?

If she is a military child, then these are situations that will not go away. The main point is that she needs to learn to better deal with these feelings, not that life should stop.

I myself was in an unhealthy situation as a kid, with thoughts of suicide, hopelessness and dispair. It took being out of the middle of it to help me see my way clear to alternative behaviors.

Or, Remy could have difficulties, hurt herself, Holly or the boys and Angela would be stuck in Italy, dealing with the situation on her own. BTW, many alcoholics attempt making geological changes to stop their behavior, but without intense work (inpatient tx per your example), the problem continues.

No one has suggested life halt, but that this poor child be given a chance to stabilize for as long as possible before yet another move. That is the life of a military kid, but you don't have to make it worse.

Besides, traveling with young children is not exactly condusive to exploring foreign countries or museums.

 

[simpilotswife]

I said to check with Remy and her therapist. I will also suggest getting her in therapy there.

Therapy is not the kind of thing that just anyone can do for you. No sooner is she finally going to be in the middle of some productive therapy (therapy needs several months before a working relationship can truly be realized), when she is going to go off to Italy. Now you are going to have her go see another therapist for 3 months? How much sense does that make?

Let the OP put her child's needs first and deal with the issues that are causing her DD problems.

OP has demonstrated over many posts that she is young, but very mature for her age. I have never gotten an indication that she wants to run wild and only thinks of herself. I have never seen a post of hers that talks about anything concerning sewing her young oats. Give her a little credit.

I don't believe that I posted anything about the OP's ulterior motives.

If she is a military child, then these are situations that will not go away. The main point is that she needs to learn to better deal with these feelings, not that life should stop.

No it shouldn't stop but she should also understand that it is necessary for her father's career. The trip to Italy is not necessary to her father's career

I myself was in an unhealthy situation as a kid, with thoughts of suicide, hopelessness and dispair. It took being out of the middle of it to help me see my way clear to alternative behaviors.

How is she going to be out of the middle of it? She'll still be moving around in a military environment.

 

[simpilotswife]

Just one other point to all of the people telling the OP that she knows her child best....

I believe that that is incorrect otherwise she would not have needed to hurt herself in order for her cries for help to be heard.

 

[Crankyshank]

My thoughts are that a vacation to Italy is a fabulous idea and a great distraction for Remy while her father is overseas.
I don't feel that with her current delicate psychological condition it would be a good idea to uproot her for several months. Especially once she's established a rapport with her therapist. You're going to be watching other kids, correct? A new environment, a new country, new family, new schools, new therapist, different language, plus the stress of having a Father in a war zone is a lot for a stable child - it's likely too much for one that is exhibiting self-destructive behavior. Plus the added stress of her only parent with her being distracted by her younger sister and 3 other children.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Just one other point to all of the people telling the OP that she knows her child best....

I believe that that is incorrect otherwise she would not have needed to hurt herself in order for her cries for help to be heard.

You know I don't think you need to be judging someone else's choices until you have lived their lives. It is very stressful being a military wife and raising good loving children, which Angela is doing a fine job of. She doesn't need a critic at this time in her life. Remy is wonderful girl who did not herself as a way to cry out. You need to know more about the situation before you go making assumptions.

 

[simpilotswife]

You know I don't think you need to be judging someone else's choices until you have lived their lives. It is very stressful being a military wife and raising good loving children, which Angela is doing a fine job of. She doesn't need a critic at this time in her life. Remy is wonderful girl who did not herself as a way to cry out. You need to know more about the situation before you go making assumptions.

No? I think you might to read up on self-mutilation and self-injurious behavior.

Obviously Remy has feelings about herself that her mother does not know about or had not paid attention to. Kids don't just start hurting themselves for no reason. And since the OP is not aware of her DD's reasons for hurting herself....well then she must not know her DD very well must she?

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

I wish you and Remy (and the others involved) the best regardless of what you decide.

 

[mrsdon]

I dont know all the issues involved here, but heres another thought.
Sometimes, no matter how good of a friendship you guys have, sometimes it gets tiring to be together so much.You wont have a house of your own and the friends may want to impose rules on your children that you dont care for.
You always have to be nice and polite and even when her kids are irrataing you, it will be there house,
I had a best friend that I loved and loved having visit..
But after 7 days i was happy to have my house to my self again.

 

[KNBNESMOM]

The only thing that I will comment on in this situation is the school issue. You really need to look further into what it will take to get her into the DODDS school at the base that your friend is going to. As far as I know you have to be there on orders for her to be able to attend a DODDS school overseas. I believe that she has to be command sponsored in order to attend for free. If you have to pay tuition for her to attend it is very expensive and I don't know if they would let you do that for the short amount of time that you are talking about. I am not trying to discourage you. If you are able to work this out and go, then I hope that you all truely enjoy this oppurtunity.