momabaarjo
Rather Sail Away with Mickey than Run Now
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2010
Tower of Terror 10-Miler
The Finish Line:
What Doesn’t Kill Me, Makes Me Stronger-A Royal Transformation
The Finish Line:
What Doesn’t Kill Me, Makes Me Stronger-A Royal Transformation
“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger. Just me, myself and I. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stand a little taller…”
Crossing the finish line the tears instantly over took me…tears of happiness, tears of victory, tears of accomplishment, and the worst kind of tears there are tears of loneliness and emptiness. Here I was at the finish line, having a medal put around my neck...the piece of bling that I had longed for the last 12 months, the tangible symbol that I DID IT and I was feeling empty and alone, just like the song. This was not the picture I had in my mind at the finish line; I suddenly knew what I had been feeling as I entered DHS. I had always pictured the end being surrounded by my OCD princess friends. The plan was to allow one of the princesses to run her race ahead of us, but be there waiting as we crossed the finish line. I was supposed to be laughing with my evil stepsister OCD princess as we drug each other across the finish line. This trip, this run, this moment was supposed to be about friendship and here I was ALONE. I thought for a moment that I caught of glimpse of OCD Princess Ariel on the sidelines, but I am sure now that it was probably wishful thinking, because she so easily wrote me out of the trip and out of her life, why would she be there as we had planned? She wasn’t there when I needed her the most the last 8 weeks, she meant more to me than I meant to her, never once checked on me to see how I was doing, she didn’t care, she left me ALONE. But maybe that was a good thing, you see I learned something from being left alone. I learned what it felt like to all those friends that I had done the exact same thing to, written off and never looked back. I learned that friendship is about accepting the other person, faults and all, being honest with them when they are driving you CRAZY instead of holding it in and blowing up (only blowing up when they call you CRAZY), and you just don’t write a person off because you think it is going to end eventually anyway to protect yourself. That is the easy way out, if a person really means something to you than you fight for the friendship. I also realized that I had done exactly what I did not want to do in this race; I was so focused on the finish line that I forgot to enjoy each step I took, to live in the moment. I mindlessly made my way through the exit area picking up my snack box, banana, bottle of water allowing regret; sadness and loneliness continue to cloud my thoughts. Looking around me it was like a war zone of bodies all around me…sitting, laying, standing, and moaning. Where was the excitement and celebration that I dreamed of? I remember hearing the theme song of Dallas (NO KIDDING, REALLY) and a smile began to spread across my face and a little laugh came out…how absurd this whole scene was and my feelings…it took a silly theme song from my grandmother’s favorite tv show (YES, I THINK THAT WAS HER SPEAKING HER WISDOM TO ME THROUGH THE SONG). It was at that moment that my phone started going off again and I pulled up my big girl panties…this moment now had to be about ME and right now there are people that love and care about me (as apparent by the number of texts I was getting)...including 2 people waiting to celebrate with me the other side of this exit chute. I thought about the last 12 months of training as well as the last 2 months of emotional heartbreak.
I did what I had only dreamed of 12 months and worked so hard to accomplish despite being broken both mentally with a derailed trip & broken friendships and physically with a stress fracture. I stopped to take a picture of me and my bling (so not a good picture).
with the realization that...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger. Just me, myself and I. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Stand a little taller. Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
Stand a little taller. Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
And as I emerged from the exit chute onto Hollywood Blvd, I was no longer an OCD Disney Princess, but a Disney Queen about to party with the villains and no plan was needed. It took me 12 months to transform and what a roller coaster 12 months it had been…