6 Days Before Our Trip, DH Just Left Me

[Blueeyes101817]

 

[mickeysgal]

Whatever the problem your DH is going through, I wouldn't start off this seperation by cleaning out the account. I will recommend that you put enough into an account to support yourself and the children, but don't clean out the joint account, that would just make you look bad in the end. I know that he doesn't look to great for walking out on his family, but now a days when it comes to money people tend to look at that first. You and your kids are in my prayers.

I respectfully disagree. There may be more to this story that the OP hasn't discovered yet (like another woman perhaps). (Don't mean to scare you, OP.) It is totally understandable and financially prudent that this OP moves the money to an account without his name (and therefore access) to it. The OP needs to protect all that her and her husband accumulated before it disappears and becomes unaccounted for. Its not about hurt feelings or what anyone thinks, its about protecting herself and her children due to her husbands erratic and sudden behavior. This is emotionally hard enough without having financial pain on top of it, if the husband decides drains the account and disappears leaving her with nothing.



Please let us know how you are doing.

 

[Missy1961]

I have no advice for you, but I wanted to give you a hug. And I think you are stronger than you know. I'm very impressed with your strength in posting this--you must be shocked beyond belief, yet here you are, not hiding behind a false identity.

Only you know what's right for you & your family. You can do it.

 

[poohandwendy]

I didn't say it was going to a fun trip, just that she has to do what she has to do, in order to protect her assets at home!

TC

I guess I just do not see how trying to force him to go would protect any assets at home. If you are talking about the things in the house...well, she can remove anything she wants before she goes if that is an issue. If you are talking about the marriage, I think a forced WDW vacation could make things a thousand times worse. It would be bad enough to be left at home, but if things got ugly there, she could be stranded...and in a bad mental state. And the kids could witness some things said that they should not hear. I highly doubt a man who would leave his family without a word is the type who would make the effort on a vacation.

Plus, I also think there is someone else. That just adds more fuel to the fire, if so.


Just not a good idea, in my opinion.

 

[poohandwendy]

I respectfully disagree. There may be more to this story that the OP hasn't discovered yet (like another woman perhaps). (Don't mean to scare you, OP.) It is totally understandable and financially prudent that this OP moves the money to an account without his name (and therefore access) to it. The OP needs to protect all that her and her husband accumulated before it disappears and becomes unaccounted for. Its not about hurt feelings or what anyone thinks, its about protecting herself and her children due to her husbands erratic and sudden behavior. This is emotionally hard enough without having financial pain on top of it, if the husband decides drains the account and disappears leaving her with nothing.



Please let us know how you are doing.

I guess I would wonder what an atty would advise? Is that a legally sound thing to do, empty the accounts? Will it come back to bite her in the butt later?

(I have no idea, haven't been through this, just asking)

Really, she should not make any moves that drastic without the advice of a local atty that could steer her in the right direction (per her state divorce laws)

JMO

 

[kristen821]

I don't think it is illegal for her to drain the accounts since she is on the account. That is a risk you have to take with joint accounts, but I would consult an attorney with any questions you are unsure about. Changing the locks won't stop him if he wants to get inside. He can break a window and it wouldn't be illegal since his name is on the house too.

 

[miss missy]

Thinking of you today! Please check in with us and let us know your ok. hugs!

 

[rileyroosmom]

Wow guys, I'm overwhelmed at all the support you guys have given. I didn't expect such a response.

Since I opened this can of worms, I'll try and answer some of the questions you've asked
We are both 40, married just about 16 years
We live in Suwanee, not terribly close to Atlanta
I'm not overly close with the inlaws (bil, sil, 2 nephews) we get along ok
The trip is paid in full - including tickets to SeaWorld
My kids really want to go on the trip
School is over this Friday, Wednesday was to be their last day
My father is driving from Florida, I expect him late this afternoon
My sister is still in NY (to complicate matters more, she and our father don't speak)

My youngest son reached my husband this morning on his cell phone. Him and I have spoken 2X this morning. I really think he has lost his mind. He says there is no "us" and hasn't been for years, hasn't been happy for years and doesn't see us getting back together either.
Wouldn't give me a straight answer to Do you want a divorce? Aren't you willing to work at this at all (says there is nothing to work out)

I became hysterical, angry, screaming etc. This did nothing but upset my kids and my husband kept repeating the same phrases over and over sounding robotic like.

I called him once more and told him to just listen to me. Spilled my guts telling him how much I loved him and our kids. Our marraige isn't perfect, but who's is? I admitted to a few things I could do better. Told him I was willing to do anything to save our marraige and that I couldn't imagine growing old without him. Just became very sentimental and sappy and told him to dig deep into his heart and think about our love when it was new and all the plans we have made together. Not to say anything, just reach real deep inside. I told him I'd give him a few days to really think about us and then we would talk again. I told him I thought it was best to stay away from the kids for a few days, it wouldn't be fair for him to reappear right now. He agreed to it.

I plan on taking the trip. The kids really want to and we agreed it is for the best. I will just drive the best I can and think many of you are right, it will make me stronger. I promised them I will ask their father to come along one more time.

Haven't made up my mind about money, locks and attorneys. I know what can happen. It happened to my sister as well as many of you. I think I'm going to take my chances....I know many of you are screaming at me right now! Funny thing is, there isn't alot of money for either of us to take, we just do ok. I have money, in my name only, from my mother's inheritance. Worst come to worst, I can use that if I have to. I don't want to do anything rash, although the PI sounds very interesting and I never thought of it. Will talk it over with Dad when he arrives.

I'm off to take the kids to their baseball games and to carry on with a brave face. I'm trying to be optimistic.

Once again, thanks for all the support and your own stories. It really helps to know I'm not along. Since I've come this far with all of you, I'll update when I have something to report. Thanks again

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't think it is illegal for her to drain the accounts since she is on the account. That is a risk you have to take with joint accounts, but I would consult an attorney with any questions you are unsure about. Changing the locks won't stop him if he wants to get inside. He can break a window and it wouldn't be illegal since his name is on the house too.

I guess I wasn't just wondering if it was illegal, more if it would be a problem for her later. Like if the courts said "Look, you took all of the money, causing him XYZ problems, therefor you have to pay ABC now."

Honestly, I really don't know. I don't see why it is necessary to take ALL of the money. Why not leave him some, after all...it is a joint account. Just because he may do a bad thing does not mean she should do it first, IMO. I know I would be tempted...maybe I would even do it. Just not sure if that is a great idea, in the long run.

Also, couldn't that put her in a position where he refuses to give her any money (he is the breadwinner and she has no income) until he is ordered to? Just out of spite because she cleaned out the account.

Just throwing around some possibilities.

 

[sweet angel]

I have not read all the responses, but I wouldn't take ALL the money out of the accounts. I would only take half. Granted, what he did really sucks, but in the end, you'll need to be the bigger person and taking ALL the money doesn't point to that. By taking half, you're taking what you are AT THE VERY MINIMUM entitled to. You can take him to the cleaners later.

I don't know about changing the lock. That may not be legal. Plus, as others have said, if he wants to get in, he will.

I would take the trip. Why let him drop TWO bombshells on you? Take the trip and look at it as a new beginning with your kids -- as the strong woman you are (or can be!). Do it as a new family -- try something maybe he wouldn't do.

I just recently split up with my BF of 9 years. We had a cruise planned with my son in November. My son and I are still going.

Just because one person decides to be a poopyhead, doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer for it.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

[poohandwendy]

I called him once more and told him to just listen to me. Spilled my guts telling him how much I loved him and our kids. Our marraige isn't perfect, but who's is? I admitted to a few things I could do better. Told him I was willing to do anything to save our marraige and that I couldn't imagine growing old without him. Just became very sentimental and sappy and told him to dig deep into his heart and think about our love when it was new and all the plans we have made together. Not to say anything, just reach real deep inside. I told him I'd give him a few days to really think about us and then we would talk again. I told him I thought it was best to stay away from the kids for a few days, it wouldn't be fair for him to reappear right now. He agreed to it.

I seriously think there is someone else. I hate to say it, but his lack of emotional attachment to you suggests (IMO) that he is emotionally attached to someone else. I hope that isn't true, but I really think that is a huge possibility...based on his actions and attitude.

Again, I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this. I really am.

 

[YourMajesty]

I plan on taking the trip. The kids really want to and we agreed it is for the best. I will just drive the best I can and think many of you are right, it will make me stronger. I promised them I will ask their father to come along one more time.

Haven't made up my mind about money, locks and attorneys. I know what can happen. It happened to my sister as well as many of you. I think I'm going to take my chances....I know many of you are screaming at me right now! Funny thing is, there isn't alot of money for either of us to take, we just do ok. I have money, in my name only, from my mother's inheritance. Worst come to worst, I can use that if I have to. I don't want to do anything rash, although the PI sounds very interesting and I never thought of it. Will talk it over with Dad when he arrives.

I'm off to take the kids to their baseball games and to carry on with a brave face. I'm trying to be optimistic.

Once again, thanks for all the support and your own stories. It really helps to know I'm not along. Since I've come this far with all of you, I'll update when I have something to report. Thanks again

Bless your heart...your kids are very lucky to have such a strong mom! We will cheer you on. Hang in there.

 

[kristen821]

I guess I wasn't just wondering if it was illegal, more if it would be a problem for her later. Like if the courts said "Look, you took all of the money, causing him XYZ problems, therefor you have to pay ABC now."

Honestly, I really don't know. I don't see why it is necessary to take ALL of the money. Why not leave him some, after all...it is a joint account. Just because he may do a bad thing does not mean she should do it first, IMO. I know I would be tempted...maybe I would even do it. Just not sure if that is a great idea, in the long run.

Also, couldn't that put her in a position where he refuses to give her any money (he is the breadwinner and she has no income) until he is ordered to? Just out of spite because she cleaned out the account.

Just throwing around some possibilities.

To me it really depends on what she has to do to survive. I don't know the financial situation or how much is in the account. I wouldn't take all of it either, but if I had to do it to support my kids I would. It really depends on what her situation is. I too wouldn't take the money out of spite.

 

[Tamarap]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Everyone has given alot of good advice so I will just give another

 

[poohandwendy]

To me it really depends on what she has to do to survive. I don't know the financial situation or how much is in the account. I wouldn't take all of it either, but if I had to do it to support my kids I would. It really depends on what her situation is. I too wouldn't take the money out of spite.

You mae a good point, it really would make a difference if the money was desperately needed.

I really hope the OP receives some legal advice from an atty soon. I know she wants to see if he will come back, but it hurts nothing to just talk to an atty. Even if they work things out, no harm done. And if they do work things out, he cannot blame her for immediately seeking counsel after he told her it was over and left. I guarantee that is the advice he would give to his own sister or mother, if they were in the same situation.

I also think it is highly possible that he has talked to an atty. He would be a fool if he hasn't. (I guess he has already proven to be one, but still)

I just would hate to see her wish she would have, later.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. When I was 12 my dad left a few days before Christmas. Like you, it was out of the blue for my mom. There was someone else and we had to spend part of Christmas with her which was extremely tough (though now, my stepmom is my rock). It was the worst Christmas ever, but we got through it. I'm glad you are going on the trip. It will be bittersweet, but you'll make many happy memories through the tears.

7 hours really isn't that far. I drive 6 hours every 3 weeks for the kids to see their dad. It's not that bad. You'll do fine.

I also would not take ALL the money out of the accounts, but I would take about 70%. And I would definitely get the locks changed before you leave and if you could go ahead and file for a legal separation before you leave then you'll be protecting yourself, getting temporary custody of the kids, and your home.

Good luck. I know it's devastating right now, but you will be fine.

 

[Minniespal]

Very sorry

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Call an attorney. The laws about abandonment vary from state to state. The laws about community property and all that sort of thing vary from state to state. Some states have alimony, some have "spousal support", etc. Some states (maybe all) have different rules for marriages that have lasted more than 10 years. You need to know ALL the facts and what the legal ramifications of your actions could be. A friend of mine in CA got in huge trouble for locking her abusive husband out of the house even though he was beating her. Jointly owned property is a sticky issue.

Document that he left your house (date and time) because you should not be liable for any debts he incurs after that time. I am pretty sure in TX as long as you are married that either one of you can blow through joint assets and there isn't anything that can be done about it later, but you can't be forced to take on debt that he ran up after he left.

This is a HORRIBLE situation and I am so sorry you have to go through this! Obviously the timing could not be worse. I hope you are able to enjoy your trip if you decide to go!

My father is a horrible person who tried to convince my mother that everything wrong in his life was entirely her fault. NOTHING was her fault. Don't waste your time looking for things to blame yourself for. Try to pull yourself together and start formulating a plan to take care of yourself and your kids.

 

[taekwondo mom]

Sending hugs and prayers..

 

[Disney Doll]

You have yourself and 3 children to think of and worry about supporting...a total of 4 people. I would take 4/5 of the money out of your accounts. Leave him 1/5. That seems fair. At the moment, he is thinking about himself, so leave him enough money to take care of only himself.

I would call an attorney first thing Monday morning. See what your options are as far as the house, changing the locks etc. Maybe you would be legally protected if you changed the locks, even if his name is on the deed too based on the situation, and you taking the kids on an already-planned vacation. Having someone stay at the house to "guard" it isn't going to do any good. It's his house. If he can get in, he will. That's why the advice of an attorney is needed, to see what loophole changing the locks will fall in to, in order to protect your things. I'd also check into freezing whatever other assets you may hold jointly so that he can't clean them out...I mean things such as CDs, retirement savings, 401Ks. I'd also check with the lawyer about jointly held credit cards...perhaps there is a way to notify the credit card compnay that as of such-and-such a date, you are separated and is there a way to note that so that charges made by him after that date are not your reponsibility. If not, ask if there's a way you can pay it off and cancel it, and if there is, then do so. Get a credit card in your name (or maybe your and your Dad's name) only so you start to build a credit score of oyur own, that is not attached to his.

As far as hiring a PI...what for? I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like he is no longer invested in the marriage. Do you need a PI to tell you what you pretty much already know? He may say there is not someone else...when a 40 year old man leaves his wife and 3 children in an instant, there is someone else. Unless an attorney advises you that if you have proof that he was cheating that it could benefit you later, then it's money I wouldn't spend right now. I'd take the vacation...you and the kids need it. If you don't want to spend a lot of time with his side of the family, tell them why. A simple "I am sure that you understand, based on our current circumstances, why I'd prefer not to see you guys while we are here" will suffice. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't act like you did.

Watch the "I'll do anything to keep the marriage together" stuff. Tell him that you are more than willing to work to see if you two can save this marriage, but everything has its limits. Then decide your limits, and stick to them. Let's not have this guy thinking he's Joe Stud, with a babe on the side and a wife who's willing to tolerate the crap.

Counselling...get it for you and the kids, even when he tells you he doesn't want or need to go. It will be helpful.

Make him take responsibility for his behavior. If the kids ask you questions, make them ask him. Make him look at his 3 children and explain to them why he is uprooting and upheaving their entire existence. I wouldn't speak badly about him, but I wouldn't give him a pass either. If they ask "Why did Daddy do this?" say "I don't know. You'll have to ask him when you talk to him. But remember that Mommy loves you very much and isn't going anywhere". They will need the reassurance that one of their parents is stable and in the picture...it looks like it is going to have to be you.

I wish you well. Your next few months will be difficult, but empowering in many ways. Stay strong for yourself and your children, provide a positive role model for them, and as much stability as you can offer them during this unstable period.