12 year old 7th grader afraid in football....Do I allow him to quit

[jamiesmom07]

That's how I'd handle it too. Our house rule is that once you sign up you're committed for that season. If you decide not to play next year no one will question your choice, but I'd have to hear a very good reason for quitting mid-season.

I'd go and observe a practice from a distance, see how your son is interacting with the coaches and other players, and see if I couldn't figure out what the problem is. Asking your older son to bring it up might be a good idea too, and depending on the coaching staff I might also suggest he talk to a favorite coach about ways to address his fear without quitting the team.

My son plays HS football and I know some of his friends this year and last have gone home begging to quit, some even to the point of tears (esp those who didn't play youth ball - middle school is a tough first experience with the sport). I don't know what line they're giving their parents - the safety angle is probably the most persuasive and I'm sure they know it - but when they're in the back of my van the complaints I hear aren't about contact or injuries. They're about intense practices, sore muscles, early mornings, and hard-*** coaches. If it were my son coming home asking to quit I'd want to rule that out as the real reason before I gave the okay. If there's a genuine fear of injury or inability to handle the requirements of the game, I wouldn't make him stick it out. But if it is first week (or two) misery over the physical demands, I would push him to tough it out a little longer and give his body a chance to adjust.

My DS is a Freshmen this year. I swear there are footballs running through his veins, he has been playing tackle football since 4th grade. This year, he started practicing with the Varsity team. He too was scared. He asked to quit. I sat down with him and discussed that we never quit something because we are scared. I encouraged him to go to a coach and discuss his fears or maybe an older player who has been where he's at. After alot of discussions and lots of listening and observing on my part.....it came down to the hatred of being up at 6:00 am to be to practice by 7 "during the summer", it was the sore muscles and the fact that he didn't have all the time in the world to hang with his buddies. I think every child is different, every situation needs to be looked at on an individual basis.

Side Note;
We had our first scrimmage Saturday and DS got quite a bit of playing time and was super excited about it when he got home. BUT this morning, more complaining because of two-a-days starting at 7 am.

 

[Pigeon]

While in general, I also tend to expect my kids to finish what they've started, I would make an exception for this. He should be allowed to quit if he's afraid of injury.

 

[Justmeandnooneelse]

. I am kinda old school that if you start something you finish it

I would never do that. Force a child who has realized that they made the wrong choice to keep doing it? Why?

My kids started so many different clubs, hobbies and sports. Today, 2 are adults, one is almost 18. They do what they love, not what I made them do as kids.

 

[momz]

let your son define his own interests. I don't suggest encouraging him to play a sport simply because his older brother was good at it. Let him find what HE is good at...and enjoys. It's awful to feel like you have to measure up to an older sibling. Each child deserves the opportunity to find their own way. Even if he's not a "star" at anything...so what?

 

[Aliceacc]

He's a 12 year old boy and he's coming home crying. 12 year old boys don't cry. This isn't a whim, it's something that's causing him a lot of anxiety.

He's one of the bigger kids on the team and he's afraid of getting hurt. That's a real fear, probably one that he's not used to. You say that he plays soccer and basketball, so he's an athlete. He's used to intense workouts and practices and body aches. (It's also possible that what he isn't saying is that he's afraid that, as a result of his size, he'll seriously hurt someone else.) He's probably becoming aware of the rules on concussions, and realizes that brain injuries are serious matters, and is concerned about his future or that of someone he might hurt.

I'm all about teaching responsibility. But, big picture: this is ONE season of ONE middle school sport. It's not an ongoing pattern, it's an isolated incident. He's not throwing away a free ride at a college education, he's considering quitting middle school football.

I think the lesson I would be teaching is that, as his parent, I'm his advocate. If he's really that unhappy with football, and his reasons are this good, he would be quitting with my full support.

 

[dawnhaze]

My parents enforced the "finish what you start" rule as well, but that just meant I wasn't allowed to quit gymnastics because my instructor upset me one time, or quit horseback riding because I fell off the horse. If I was coming home in tears they wouldn't have had a problem with alternative activities.

Football isn't a sport you should make a kid play who doesn't really want to be there. He's actually more likely to get hurt that way. He's already in other sports, let him just do those.

 

[Pigeon]

I would never do that. Force a child who has realized that they made the wrong choice to keep doing it? Why?

My kids started so many different clubs, hobbies and sports. Today, 2 are adults, one is almost 18. They do what they love, not what I made them do as kids.

Why?

In general, I think it is good for kids to learn to honor commitments. I also think that if the activity is competitive, by agreeing to do it in the first place, they've taken a spot away from somebody else. My teen wanted to quite a highly competitive regional orchestra in the middle of the year last year. Because she had kept some other kid from getting that spot, and because it's a team activity where the other performers rely on you, I made her stick it out.

I also suspected that she would very much regret quitting. After a rough month or two, she got back on track and is doing it again this year and very much looking forward to it. For her, it was a lesson that sometimes you have to power through some hard spots.

But I think this is very different. If one of my kids was actually scared of physical injury, or was being bullied or facing some other potentially damaging issue, I would allow them to quit.

 

[Praying Colonel]

I'm an old school, "finish what you start" kind of guy. The one place I might make an exception is in a high-contact sport like football. If you're out there playing tentatively and worrying about getting hurt (or hurting someone else), your chances of getting hurt go up significantly, IMHO.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'm with the group that says "once you start something, you finish it".

I would go to a practice and watch from afar and/or talk to his favorite coach. I agree there's something else going on here.

I *MIGHT* let him quit, but only after I investigated what's causing the problem. Just saying "I don't want to anymore" doesn't qualify.

Another option would be if he would be willing to be an equipment manager or a statistician or something like that.

Perfect advice IMO.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I would never do that. Force a child who has realized that they made the wrong choice to keep doing it? Why?

My kids started so many different clubs, hobbies and sports. Today, 2 are adults, one is almost 18. They do what they love, not what I made them do as kids.

I believe most are saying he needs to be committed to the team for the remainder of THIS season in some capacity. Not that he needs to commit to the sport for life.

 

[Colleen27]

My DS is a Freshmen this year. I swear there are footballs running through his veins, he has been playing tackle football since 4th grade. This year, he started practicing with the Varsity team. He too was scared. He asked to quit. I sat down with him and discussed that we never quit something because we are scared. I encouraged him to go to a coach and discuss his fears or maybe an older player who has been where he's at. After alot of discussions and lots of listening and observing on my part.....it came down to the hatred of being up at 6:00 am to be to practice by 7 "during the summer", it was the sore muscles and the fact that he didn't have all the time in the world to hang with his buddies. I think every child is different, every situation needs to be looked at on an individual basis.

Side Note;
We had our first scrimmage Saturday and DS got quite a bit of playing time and was super excited about it when he got home. BUT this morning, more complaining because of two-a-days starting at 7 am.

My son is the same way. He's been playing since 4th grade and looking forward to high school almost since the beginning because our high school program is top-notch. But he's still had a pretty frustrating summer adjusting to the schedule - two-a-day practices (pads in the morning, weights/speed training in the evening, feeling like he didn't get "any" summer break because conditioning started right after the 4th of July, etc. It is a huge commitment, even for the most dedicated players. He hasn't asked to quit because he knows he'd regret it, but there has certainly been more than a bit of complaining and even some frustrated tears.

Why?

In general, I think it is good for kids to learn to honor commitments. I also think that if the activity is competitive, by agreeing to do it in the first place, they've taken a spot away from somebody else. My teen wanted to quite a highly competitive regional orchestra in the middle of the year last year. Because she had kept some other kid from getting that spot, and because it's a team activity where the other performers rely on you, I made her stick it out.

That's why I don't understand so many people making football an exception to the rule. Not only is it competitive to make the team, once the team is set spots can't just be filled with other kids. Athletic association rules mandating a certain number of no pads/non-contact practices before full practices start, and then a certain number of full practices before players can participate in games make it impossible to just add someone else to the team even a week or two into the practice season.

I wonder... How many of the people saying "I'd usually make a child stick it out, but not for football" would even allow their kids to play football in the first place? I can't help thinking that at least some of the double standard here - stick it out for orchestra or baseball or horseback riding, but not for football - is rooted in dislike of the sport in general or the perception that it is too dangerous for student-athletes.

 

[Piper]

You said that his older brother is starting QB on the high school team. Could it be that coaches and other players are comparing him to his brother and expecting a higher level of performance than he can give? They could be pushing him to "be like his brother." I've seen that happen in more than one instance!

 

[shortbun]

Any time my athletic child was assessing a sport as dangerous, I'd let him stop. Time to honor his ability to make a good choice.

 

[Pigeon]

My son is the same way. He's been playing since 4th grade and looking forward to high school almost since the beginning because our high school program is top-notch. But he's still had a pretty frustrating summer adjusting to the schedule - two-a-day practices (pads in the morning, weights/speed training in the evening, feeling like he didn't get "any" summer break because conditioning started right after the 4th of July, etc. It is a huge commitment, even for the most dedicated players. He hasn't asked to quit because he knows he'd regret it, but there has certainly been more than a bit of complaining and even some frustrated tears.



That's why I don't understand so many people making football an exception to the rule. Not only is it competitive to make the team, once the team is set spots can't just be filled with other kids. Athletic association rules mandating a certain number of no pads/non-contact practices before full practices start, and then a certain number of full practices before players can participate in games make it impossible to just add someone else to the team even a week or two into the practice season.

I wonder... How many of the people saying "I'd usually make a child stick it out, but not for football" would even allow their kids to play football in the first place? I can't help thinking that at least some of the double standard here - stick it out for orchestra or baseball or horseback riding, but not for football - is rooted in dislike of the sport in general or the perception that it is too dangerous for student-athletes.

I'll certainly admit to disliking football and I wouldn't let my kid play it in the first place.

But danger is an issue. My kid never felt danger in the orchestra--it was a personality conflict with her tutor.

 

[Praying Colonel]

My son is the same way. He's been playing since 4th grade and looking forward to high school almost since the beginning because our high school program is top-notch. But he's still had a pretty frustrating summer adjusting to the schedule - two-a-day practices (pads in the morning, weights/speed training in the evening, feeling like he didn't get "any" summer break because conditioning started right after the 4th of July, etc. It is a huge commitment, even for the most dedicated players. He hasn't asked to quit because he knows he'd regret it, but there has certainly been more than a bit of complaining and even some frustrated tears.



That's why I don't understand so many people making football an exception to the rule. Not only is it competitive to make the team, once the team is set spots can't just be filled with other kids. Athletic association rules mandating a certain number of no pads/non-contact practices before full practices start, and then a certain number of full practices before players can participate in games make it impossible to just add someone else to the team even a week or two into the practice season.

I wonder... How many of the people saying "I'd usually make a child stick it out, but not for football" would even allow their kids to play football in the first place? I can't help thinking that at least some of the double standard here - stick it out for orchestra or baseball or horseback riding, but not for football - is rooted in dislike of the sport in general or the perception that it is too dangerous for student-athletes.

I love football and played it. I don't think it's too dangerous. From my experience playing the game, I do think you're more likely to get hurt if you're out there playing tentatively, worrying about getting hurt or hurting someone else.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

Before you make any decisions on whether he should quit or continue, I think you should take the time to have a meeting with him and his coach(es). The coach may be unaware of what is causing your son's timidness, and may be able to help him. I don't think it's a matter of "going easy on him," but rather making sure that all of his motions are safe and appropriate to prevent injuries. Not to mention, if he's going to quit, he's going to need to tell his coaches.

I'm also a fan of honoring commitment. I feel like it's not as much of a problem with a large football team as it is with something that requires all participants at all times... like dance teams or marching bands... but I think he owes it to his teammates to either stick it out, or explain to them that he's going to quit the team because of whatever reasons, but he wishes them the best that season. Having him confront his coach and teammates if/when he quits will reinforce that commitments are important, but when you find yourself incapable of fulfilling them, you can quit with good reason. This way he isn't just disappearing from practice, but creating closure and making sure that there are other teammates willing to fill his spot.

 

[bwifan]

Without knowing what might be brewing under this scene I can only suggest that your boy sounds like a bright observant young man with a uniquely qualified vantage point on this matter.

What isn't he telling you? What is he replacing with the tears he knows will touch your heart?

• The depth of his fear maybe, because this particular athletic program is run much more aggressively than the coach lets on?
• A bully on the team?
• A sweetheart he would rather spend time with?
• He'd rather join the drama club?
• Maybe he's read a bit about just how much head trauma he'll be subjecting himself to (hint, more than a boxing match)

I will admit to a bias against American Footbal in general, not even mostly based on how poorly its players suffor for it.

As for perserverance as a life lesson... would you follow your own advice? Say you got yourself into a bad mortgage, an ARM and the rate is climbing painfully would you stick it out?

The life lesson for making a bad decision is learned by your son realizing he does not belong somewhere and he is trying to remove himself.

Totally agree.

It's football. It is actually dangerous. I would let him quit ASAP.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

As others have said, find out if there is something deeper going in. Is he getting bullied? Is he getting abused? Or does he just not like the game?

But telling him flat out he can't quit is just not right.

 

[tajz90]

Just went through the exact same thing with our son. He's a bigger kid and even though he didn't come home crying or complaining, he did express that because of his size, the coaches use him as the hitting bag. His exact words "Soandso tackle XXX as hard as you can". He didn't like it because some of the kids took it to extremes. We did NOT let him quit because once he joined, he took someone else's spot. He did not join as a freshman and we didn't blink an eye. He doesn't want to get hurt and that's fine with us.

 

[Disney Ella]

I think there's times you can take the whole "you don't quit what you start" thing too far and this is one of them. If your kid constantly joins and quits activities, it makes sense to tell them that they have to follow through with an activity. But if they don't have a history of that behavior, I think it's important to let them make a decision to quit something every once in a while if they really hate it. I wouldn't like being forced to do something I couldn't stand, particularly if I didn't feel safe, just because someone else decided I needed to stick it out.