12/09/06 Cruise Continued ~ Pirating Bananas DIS Geekorama Part 2 Part 10

[87Heel]

You have good reason to be frustrated, depressed, etc.

Think anyone would notice if I slip something into a bill giving your district the money you need?

suzanne

Ah, yes, the much-needed DIS clause.

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

You have good reason to be frustrated, depressed, etc.

Think anyone would notice if I slip something into a bill giving your district the money you need?

suzanne

Oh no!!! Now he's gonna WANT you to cancel the cruise so you can do this!!

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

Subject: Points to Ponder *
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't! *
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. *
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! *
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. *
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. *
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. *
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. *
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. *
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research. *
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. *
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. *
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneeze, why-is-the-room spinning-medicine. *
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. *
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many. *
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. *
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you. *
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. *
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. *
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? *
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. *
22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon! *
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod) *
25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. *
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up *
27) Procrastinate Now *
28) Rehab Is for Quitters *
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone *
30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That? *
31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit. *
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15 *
33) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING *
34) West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names *
35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. *
36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT *
37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes *
38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance *
39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere! *
40) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music *
41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken *
42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead *
43) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog *
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on. *
45) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. *
46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH *
47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. *
48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it. *
49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. *
50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. *
51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years. *
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music**

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

This one is appropriate for today....see #9...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

Medical Humour (as told by the Doctors):

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
____________________________________________________________________
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed."Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
____________________________________________________________________
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
_______________________________________________________________
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Left".
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA ____________________________________________________________
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since the incident, the instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA ______________________________


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years-- when my husband was alive,"
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
________________________________________________________________
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly'.
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
_____________________________________________________________
And Finally . . A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

Okay - some of you are probably bored with my jokes and just passing them by...but this one is pretty good!!!



For all you with bathroom issues....


WOMEN AND PUBLIC TOILETS

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. When I was a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the Toilet Seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance". Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because HER bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get." And by this time, the automatic ! sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. As you exit, you walk past a line of women, still waiting. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed! This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

PS - The answer to the other question, "Why do women go to public bathrooms in pairs?" is "So the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex."

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

okay - is there anyone out there actually reading these or did I scare you guys away?

 

[slindamood]

I feel silly posting jokes amongs the very serious comments about pay raises and politics.

Please don't feel that I'm insensitive.


You guys keep posting!!

Know that I'm sending ya hugs via the jokes, okay?!!!

here's another...

.

Karen - Love your jokes - I am sitting here laughing, waiting for the supposed onslaught of work.

Really - given all the reasons that force people to cancel cruises, I have it pretty good. Ususally it is health or family crises. We have our health, our families are doing well. In the overall scheme of things, my situation seems pretty trivial.

Now John1's situation - that is depressing.

suzanne

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

Wow - while cleaning out that box, I ran across an old email from Christina Page...she was the mother of Nathan Page....a little boy who passed away after going on a Disney cruise...anyone remember the story? Andy - Verandah Man - became very close to the family?

For anyone who does remember - my son's Kindergarten class adopted Nathan as their classmate and sent him pictures and cards. It was such a touching and emotional learning experience.

Isn't it amazing how life comes around...I haven't read that email in a long time.

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

Weapons of Math Instruction
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

I'm sure someone is gonna log on and get scared by all the pages to catch up on....

jokes take more space than smilies...

here's another one...
Subject: Social Security

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social
Security last week.

After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to
the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I
had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I
was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.

At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I
was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my
experience at the Social Security Office.

She listened to the whole story and then said,
"You should have dropped your pants . . .. you might have
gotten disability, too."

 

[Jhalkias]

That is ONLY for the kids??? So a 40 yo starting would make the 5.90 but a 16 yo would make 6.85????

No no no, sorry about the confusion . ..

EVERYONE. The surprise to me is that it INCLUDES those under 18.

John1

 

[87Heel]

I'm reading along, Karen!
And I remember Nathan, even though that was when I was a DIS lurker. (Yes, I was a DIS boards lurker from 2002 until July 2006.)

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

COMPUTER SPEAK AHEAD ----- LISA!!!! ---- WARNING!!!!


Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec or McAfee have solutions as yet!!!


The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.


The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.


The Bob Dole (AKA Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes. (the ear thingy)

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows

 

[Jhalkias]

That new wage will apply to middle and high school babysitters as well. I don't know what the rates are in your area, but it will be quite a shock to parents around here.

Suzanne . . .

Really? Is that what they are telling you guys at the capital? The old minimum wage did not seem to?

Need more details.

(we pay ours around $5 an hour)

John1

 

[goofyforlife]

we could see double digit annual increases for those on minimum wage and nothing for everyone else - we will be lucky to keep our jobs.

What is really sad is that in some communities (like northern central PA). Finding a job paying $7-8 an hour is rare...Even office jobs... Gosh my yearly salary there working full time mind you was only $16-17K a year....Pocket change in this economy.....

So while raising the minimum wage is a good thing...It only serves to make everyone else at min wage too..... (Just broadens the poverty level)

But with the cost of everything going up, what else is there to do? Sooner or later most of the middle class will qualify for some type of assistance....

Many counties in MD have a MPDU program (Moderate priced Dwelling Unit) that helps lower income families to purchase a house in a development for half the cost of the other market priced units. These are built with stock cabinets and smaller sq ft and maybe 1 car garage but look like the surrounding homes. People misunderstand that program with section 8 vouchers. However, you'd be surprised who could qualify for the MPDU waiting list. Montgomery county had the close their list a few years ago when the waiting list was in the thousands and their are still thousands more who would still qualify today if they ever opened up the list again. I believe for a family of 4 the qualifying income is like 40-50 thousand a year. Heck if i only had DH's income we could qualify....

The cost of living is just not right... because of taxes and insurance increases this year my mortgage payment alone is going up $60 a month.....
Hmmm my salary isn't...my dh's salary isn't.... Guess i have to take a second job or do something illegal on the side.....


OK off soapbox now......

 

[Jhalkias]

They are raising ours to $6.50 up from $5.15. I am not opposed to them raising it to $6.50 because honestly most places are here are probably paying close to that as the minimum right now and $5.15 is really low. However, the proposition that passed also includes annual COLA adjustments tied to the nation inflation index each year. Which means that every year the minimum wage is going up and if times get tough (and businesses are already struggling) we could see double digit annual increases for those on minimum wage and nothing for everyone else - we will be lucky to keep our jobs.

Yup,

COLA here too Becka - adjusted each year based on September numbers for the following January. Someone had a cookie-cutter.

John1

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

i feel like I'm those annoying commercials that ya have to get thru in order to get back to the real program.

i'm just brain dead from all the stresses at work and while I can certainly feel everyone's pain...i can't even begin to type my frustrations of politics in PA.

so....until someone asks me to stop...i'll just keep being the commercial break. I just hope no oneHoliday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


Remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride! has put me on their "ignore" list..

 

[87Heel]

By the way, thanks for all the rain people sent our way today...

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

What a wonderful message!

Making Pancakes

Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked!. Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky, we insult a friend, we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears beca use we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...