Your RSVP is too late!!

[Carys]

OP is not morally obligated to pay $50 (plus 10% of the original cost which she had already allocated to Mary's original place but gave to someone in her absence), plus goodies, plus transportation, for someone else's mistake. It's up to Mary's mother to make it up to Mary for her mistake, not OP.

If the mother had rung back saying sorry we didn't RSVP in time for the party but offering to take the birthday girl out bowling with Mary another time, that would make alot more sense to me, and would have put OP in a far better position to either gracefully re-extend the invite without it being pushed on her, or flipping the mother's offer to take Mary out another time. Mary's mother is the problem, not you, so you can feel comfortable about whichever way you decide to go OP.

 

[cats mom]

Why should the party thrower hold the parents hand and call to see if their child is coming to the party? I am undecided on whether Mary should suffer for mom's mistake but I don't see why the OP should call the invited guests.

IMO if someone doesn't rsvp, I automatically assume they're not coming.

RSVP stands for the French phrase "répondez s'il vous plaît" and it means "please reply." It is used when someone issues you a social invitation and wants to know whether you intend to come or not.

So while you can safely assume that anyone who has not responded by the date requested has not followed proper etiquette, it is not safe to assume that no response automatically means no.

I get that many people operate under that assumption, but it's just not correct.

Personally I've had better luck with "regrets only" than with "RSVP" maybe because it's hard to misunderstand what that means.

Lesson for everyone: RSVP means respond, even if you don't plan to attend.

No one should have to follow up with non responders, but it's not a bad idea when there are a limited number of spaces. It could have saved a lot of grief for the OP.

I think instead of saying where the party will be, etc. people should just write the date and time and more info will be given if they rsvp, so for those cases where kids just show up, that wouldn't happen if they don't know where it is at.

I do think this is a good idea, although I've heard stories of parents calling 5 minutes before the party started because that's when they realized they had no idea where they were going.

You're just out to get me tonight, aren't you!

Hey, look on page one, OP talks about how hard it is to get ahold of another Mylar.

This thread is getting ridiculous. But it is my entertainment for the night!

You defintely got ganged up on there for awhile. I feel partially responsible since I mentioned the lesser party bag option. You did run with it though.

I can't seem to tear myself away either.

OK, I got through the thread

Congratulations, that was an accomplishment! I joined in early on and I still feel like I'm barely keeping up.

And you're right about kids' parties... seems like there's always something.

Oh, and as for me..the goodie bag thing wouldn't be an issue because we clearly have different personalities..I'd be putting them together at midnight the night before the party..

Don't ya'll usually have a few extra goodie bags in case something comes up? Maybe one of the kids has a sick little brother or sister..or something..and you give them one to bring home? I always have 4 or 5 extras! (and I'm NOT organized!!)

I'm with you on putting the goodie bags together last minute. I always thought it was because I was a procastinator (wait, I mean because I work better under pressure) now I realize I was just trying to avoid situations like this, must have been a subconscious kind thing.

After my uninvited little brother experience I do always try to have a couple of extra goodie bags on hand, just in case.

Wait until the teenage parties to stress and have the stroke...

Yea, I just helped chaperone at one of those. All really good kids, but still...

 

[ksjayhawks]

I, too, am evidently in the minority. I would call Mary's mom back and tell her "Hi Marymom. I got your voice message about dd's party. I am sorry to tell you this, but the bowling alley needed a count last xxxday. That is why I put the rsvp date on the invitation. I have already turned the count in so unfortunately it is too late for Mary to join us for the party." I would not make an offer for another play date at a later time.

OP should not have to pay a large sum of money to add on the girl, nor should she have to pick her up and take her home as she has enough to do.

We don't know the OP's schedule. Ordering a balloon would be easy, but it is perhaps finding the time to shop for more items for a goodie bag that would also be challenging as well as being able to find the same items or purchase them singly in they were originally bought in bulk.

Mary will survive; it will be a storm in a teacup and then it will be done and they will move on to something else.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I, too, am evidently in the minority. I would call Mary's mom back and tell her "Hi Marymom. I got your voice message about dd's party. I am sorry to tell you this, but the bowling alley needed a count last xxxday. That is why I put the rsvp date on the invitation. I have already turned the count in so unfortunately it is too late for Mary to join us for the party." I would not make an offer for another play date at a later time.

OP should not have to pay a large sum of money to add on the girl, nor should she have to pick her up and take her home as she has enough to do.

We don't know the OP's schedule. Ordering a balloon would be easy, but it is perhaps finding the time to shop for more items for a goodie bag that would also be challenging as well as being able to find the same items or purchase them singly in they were originally bought in bulk.

Mary will survive; it will be a storm in a teacup and then it will be done and they will move on to something else.

This thread has been interesting. While I think what the OP is doing is "mean" (girl is going to get "hurt"), I also think why in the heck do you have to track down guests to find out if they want to come?

I am for going with what the OP has already done. She already invited someone from the "B" list so have to go with it.

Also, I guess the major reason for me is that wayward guest mom does not even have the time to give the kid a ride. To me that spells....you are going to be screwed either way. So OP goes ahead and invites little girl lost, tells her she has to find a ride, OP ponies up $$, then she does not show. I can see that happening without a doubt.

 

[OceanAnnie]

This thread has been interesting. While I think what the OP is doing is "mean" (girl is going to get "hurt"), I also think why in the heck do you have to track down guests to find out if they want to come?

I am for going with what the OP has already done. She already invited someone from the "B" list so have to go with it.

Also, I guess the major reason for me is that wayward guest mom does not even have the time to give the kid a ride. To me that spells....you are going to be screwed either way. So OP goes ahead and invites little girl lost, tells her she has to find a ride, OP ponies up $$, then she does not show. I can see that happening without a doubt.

Your post reminds me of a mother that RSVP'd for a birthday party and asked me if she could say, "Maybe?". I was dumbstruck and that doesn't happen to me often. Well she did show up, dropped her child off with no contact number and was 45 min. late to pick her up. My family was left waiting at the facility, ready to go home! Everyone had long gone, and there were people setting up for the next party. Here we were waiting for looney tune mom to show up. I felt really sorry for her DD and chatted with her while we waited. But inside I was fuming at this woman. She whisked in and just said a lame, "Sorry I'm late!", scooted her child out the door, and was gone.

 

[Skywalker]

At that age I imagine Mary and all the other girls are super excited about attending the birthday party. Seems kind of harsh to tell her she can't come because her mom was late. I'd make the necessary arrangements so she could come. If she's in the neighbourhood I'd give her a lift too (even if we had to take a second car. Who cares?) Doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thanks for your replies and suggestions. I've been going back and forth on this for the last hour. If it was just a matter of filling another goodie bag, I wouldn't hesitate. But to pay for the extra bowling and to drive another car is just too much.

The mom mumbled something in her VM about her email not send out messages, but she could have called. Instead she waited until a few days before the party.

My kids get invited to several birthday parties each month, and we are in high season right now (a lot of people seem to give birth between March and June!). The RSPV is almost always a few days before the party, unless it's a pretty unique party (bowling being the most common - most have parties out here). In the dozens of parties I have hosted, I've had ONE that everyone has RSVP'd on time for. One. I would NEVER assume that someone isn't coming, just because I didn't get an RSVP on time. Yes, it stinks, but these are children, and we have no idea what is going on in the lives of their parents. This is why, as hosts, we contact those we haven't heard from, or prepare for extra.

In all of my years of getting and attending childrens' birthday parties, I have never heard of a situation where someone RSVP'd late, and the child was turned down (and around here, if it happened, I would've heard about it).

 

[mjkacmom]

I will have to pay another $50 for the next tier.

The RSVP was for the 26th. I just figured if Mary could attend her mother would have responded in time.

You asked for an RSVP a whole week early for a bowling party? Heck, I've gotten an invitation a week before a birthday party. Although my kids love birthday parties, they really are on a low rung of social obligations here. Buy an extra lane, pay for an extra pair of shoes, and buy a slice of pizza for the girl. You really should not have filled her spot several days before the party without speaking to her mom.

 

[luvmy3]

*Bolding above mine

I disagree

R.S.V.P. is a request for the invited guest to respond and let the host know whether or not they plan to attend the party.
It does not mean to respond only if you're coming
It does not mean to respond only if you're not coming
It means the host needs a definite head count for the planned event, and needs it by the date specified on the invitation, and you should respond whether you plan to attend, or not.

Mary's mom was absolutely wrong for not reponding by the date specified. No doubt about that.

But by not following up with the 1 person who had not responded, and by offering that child's spot to someone else instead, I think the OP committed a bit of a social faux pas as well.
Sorry

If I send out an invite with a date to RSVP on it and you don't respond by that date, its not my job to track you down to see if you are coming. I can't even believe that people arer suggesting such a ridiculous thing for the OP to do. If a guest could call "anytime" or the mom has to call everyone to see if they are coming then there really ceases a need for invitations at all.

MTE, it just doesn't jive. I think that was thrown out there to get everyone here to agree and sympathize with the OP.

It doesn't matter what the reasons are, it is rude to not RSVP by the date given and expect that you could still come. (unless there was a family emergency for the entire time you had the invite) Also, regardless of the situation is it unreasonable to ask the party parent to transport your child(especially since you RSVP'd late), the party mom has enough on her plate. Mary's mom needs to find another way to get her dd to the party that doesn't involve the OP. The OP doesn't need sympathy, Mary's mom is totally wromng no matter if there is more to the story.

That is the part I have a hard time believing. As I mentioned, I have had or been to so many parties at all different venues, including bowling alleys, that I have lost count.

Every single one of them had a per person add on fee if you asked. The packages were always deals, less than the per person fee. But you could always add on a kid or two without having to go to the next tier, if you asked.

For example,

10 kids with hotdogs would be $100
15 kids with hotdogs would be $150.00

The per kid add on fee would be $15.00 - more than the $10.00 per kid fee from the package.

Since you obviously don't live everywhere you have no idea how it is everywhere. The bowling alley's here (and a few other venues) do exactly what the OP describe, they charge by tier. You are allowed a certain amount of guests and it wil be x amount of dollars and even adding only one more brings it up to the next tier. And they will tell you that they do not make exceptions.
Maybe if you had a really sad case they would include another, but I don't believe a mom not RSVPing in time qualifies

 

[npmommie]

OP what did you end up saying to the mom?

 

[contemporarymom]

I know I'll regret interjecting myself into this thread, but I agree with your post.

OP, I'm just curious. Would you really be stressing about this had you not given away Mary's spot? My impression is that you are on the defensive about this since you gave the spot away to someone else.

And we have a winner. OP obviously realizes she was wrong in jumping the gun and inviting the co-worker's daughter and is trying to assuage her guilt by justifying her actions. Or she's just a drama Queen.

 

[AlleyKat]

I also think why in the heck do you have to track down guests to find out if they want to come?
I am for going with what the OP has already done. She already invited someone from the "B" list so have to go with it.

Also, I guess the major reason for me is that wayward guest mom does not even have the time to give the kid a ride. To me that spells....you are going to be screwed either way. So OP goes ahead and invites little girl lost, tells her she has to find a ride, OP ponies up $$, then she does not show. I can see that happening without a doubt.

This post sums up my feelings on the matter!

 

[AlleyKat]

it unreasonable to ask the party parent to transport your child(especially since you RSVP'd late)

This aspect of the situation blows me away! It screams "no clue"!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

And we have a winner. OP obviously realizes she was wrong in jumping the gun and inviting the co-worker's daughter and is trying to assuage her guilt by justifying her actions. Or she's just a drama Queen.

I would not say that. I would say OP thought kid could not come since the RSVP date passed and she filled the spot. Now I would have probably called before inviting "B" guest list. However I think it is crap that hosts have to track down guests.

 

[mjkacmom]

Since you obviously don't live everywhere you have no idea how it is everywhere. The bowling alley's (and a few other venues) do exactly what the OP describe, they charge by tier. You are allowed a certain amount of guests and it wil be x amount of dollars and even adding only one more brings it up to the next tier. And they will tell you that they do not make exceptions.
Maybe if you had a really sad case they would include another, but I don't believe a mom not RSVPing in time qualifies [/QUOTE]

So you live everywhere? And you know the OP's bowling alley won't make exceptions? Please, she lives in Ohio - how much extra could an extra be in this economy. I'm guessing Mary's mom went to RSVP, checked the invitation for a phone number, and was probably surprised that the RSVP date was more than a week out for the party. It's a bowling party, not a wedding. There is no way a bowling alley needs a head-count that far out.

I have to assume this party thing is new to the OP, the invitations probably went out too soon, the RSVP date is too far out, and the OP didn't call Mary's mom before extending the invitation to the B list. I don't think the OP has any obligation to take 2 cars in order to transport Mary, but I don't think Mary's mom was crazy to ask - I've always driven other kids to my kids' parties if I have room.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I am not sure why parents do not RSVP in the alloted time. It is there for a reason. When we have had parties outside of our home that required a definite RSVP and a parent has not responded, I have always called the parent to check. I would be bummed if this happened especially when everything has been ordered an paid for. Of course it isn't the child fault, but you shouldn't be put out because of the parent. I know this sounds mean, but a way out of it is if you tell the parent that you do not have room or time to bring and pick up the little girl for the party.

 

[luvmy3]

Since you obviously don't live everywhere you have no idea how it is everywhere. The bowling alley's (and a few other venues) do exactly what the OP describe, they charge by tier. You are allowed a certain amount of guests and it wil be x amount of dollars and even adding only one more brings it up to the next tier. And they will tell you that they do not make exceptions.
Maybe if you had a really sad case they would include another, but I don't believe a mom not RSVPing in time qualifies

So you live everywhere? And you know the OP's bowling alley won't make exceptions? Please, she lives in Ohio - how much extra could an extra be in this economy. I'm guessing Mary's mom went to RSVP, checked the invitation for a phone number, and was probably surprised that the RSVP date was more than a week out for the party. It's a bowling party, not a wedding. There is no way a bowling alley needs a head-count that far out.

I have to assume this party thing is new to the OP, the invitations probably went out too soon, the RSVP date is too far out, and the OP didn't call Mary's mom before extending the invitation to the B list. I don't think the OP has any obligation to take 2 cars in order to transport Mary, but I don't think Mary's mom was crazy to ask - I've always driven other kids to my kids' parties if I have room.[/QUOTE]




I think you assume to know too much.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

OP, what are you going to do when parents show up with siblings expecting to bowl, eat, etc? Happened to us on several occassions.

 

[contemporarymom]

I would not say that. I would say OP thought kid could not come since the RSVP date passed and she filled the spot. Now I would have probably called before inviting "B" guest list. However I think it is crap that hosts have to track down guests.

And I would say that a lot of posters including the OP need to lighten up. It's a kid's birthday party not a formal affair. I've thrown a bunch of children's parties. I do the final headcount and see someone hasn't RSVP'd. Ok, no biggie. I pick up the phone and call. Takes two minutes. Maybe the invite was lost in the mail or maybe the kid didn't give it to the mom. Whatever. Could be a million legit reasons. Or the mom could just be a flake.

As far as picking the girl up, what is the big deal? She's in your neighborhood. If the mother is truly a flake, don't take it out on the kid. Yes, birthday parties are always a PITA but come on. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Not every kid has the luxury of having an organized, with-it Mom, unfortunately. Mary might be one of these kids (who knows?).

And even if she does, sometimes Crap happens. (God knows I've been late with an RSVP or two myself. )

At any rate, ride or not, RSVP or not, extra goodie bag and balloon, B List guest already coming, whatever - Mary would still be welcome to our party.

I've had these types of parties for years, for twins with two sets of friends, and every year it's completely chaotic. I generally book extra space and make extra bags, etc. It costs a little more, but it causes less headaches that way.

To me, life's too short to get sour over stuff like this. It's supposed to be FUN.