Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[nkereina]

How's your relationship with your brother and his family? Any chance you could do this as a larger entire family vacation? Having your brother and his family there would take some of the focus of you and your wife, and make it easier for your wife to avoid your mom. And you and your wife could spend time alone without feeling guilty about ditching your parents, who are footing the bill (since they could hang with your brother).

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I'm unclear about something. What kind of racist things does she say? I only saw that she apparently has an issue with you not being religious but I don't see anything else. If it's just the religion thing I could talk volumes about a certain in-law that had that attitude. The only difference is she decided that she wanted nothing to do with us. Her loss.

I'm curious too. This accusation is thrown around quite freely nowadays. What is her offense?

The OP gave examples of his mother's racism but the mods have since cleaned up the thread and scrubbed those posts.

 

[robinb]

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

Some folks don't understand, but I do. My mom was a racist but I think it had to do with the time and place where she grew up (in 40's and 50's on the southside of Chicago). I have not read the whole thread, but I guesstimate your mom to be in her 60's and mine was in her mid-70's when she died last year. She would never use the n-word ... ever! But ... she would group people together by skin color and refer to AA folks as if they were a whole other species. It would make me angry, but she was my mom and I loved her. Like your mom, she was 95% good and 5% horrible. I got to the point where I would roll my eyes and ignore it. You need to pick your battles with your parents and I wasn't willing to ruin my relationship over her stupid ideas. So sue me. My uncle (father's brother), OTOH, was a raving racist. N-word this and that and bragged about how he kept a gun in his car "just in case" he needed it to shoot someone (preferably someone who was AA). I cut ties with him as soon as my grandmother died 20 years ago and ceased all contact except for a Christmas Harry and David's basket. He simply was not worth the trouble.

Back to your OP. It sounds like your wife loves you and doesn't like the way your mom treats you. High five to her! I think that you could make the vacation work if you really wanted to. You could certainly limit the amount of time you spend together and things might work out better in neutral territory. That being said: "Happy wife = happy life" and I think you should let you wife make the final choice.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I guess i am of the mind set that either your wife should suck it up and go to keep peace between you and your family or you go without your wife. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't really want to do to keep peace but that's just my opinion.

 

[ronandannette]

I guess i am of the mind set that either your wife should suck it up and go to keep peace between you and your family or you go without your wife. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't really want to do to keep peace but that's just my opinion.

OP never said anything about his parents being upset if they decline the trip - that's not his dilemma. His issue is that he wants to go and his wife does not.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

TLDR: My mom wants to take me and my wife to Disneyworld, my wife doesn't want to go because she doesn't like my mom.

Longer Version:

My wife simply does not like my mother. She loves her, in the sense that a daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law out of duty, and she doesn't wish ill upon her, and she's polite to her. But she simply does not like her.

Here's what you need to know about my mother. She is a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. When she's not being racist and judgmental, however, she is kind, loving, generous to a fault. That she favors my brother is no secret; he is a church-going family man with four kids, and mom is all about church and the grandkids.

My wife and I, however, are not like my brother and my sister-in-law. We weren't able to have kids. Neither of us has seen the inside of a church in ten years. Les is continuing to search for her path, and right now is really into the spirituality of nature - stones and crystals and such. I just prefer to smoke my... not tobacco - and not think about it.

Needless to say, this has caused no end of consternation to my mom, and more than once, she's said something inappropriate or hateful or whatever, stopped talking me to a few days, and then forgotten about it. I've learned to accept that this is just how my relationship with my mom is, and not try to change something that isn't going to change. My wife, however, just refuses to accept this. She says my mom needs to be held accountable for the way she treats me, that I need to not let her "walk all over me like that," and so on.

Anyway, my mom has decided that she wants to take me and Les to Disneyworld next December. She's paying for everything but liquor and souvenirs. She and my stepdad would stay in their camper at Ft. Wilderness while putting up me and Les at Pop Century.

Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. She says that having my mom around would ruin Disneyworld for her, that she wouldn't feel right about my mom spending so much money, etc. She wants me to tell my mom "thanks but no thanks."

What say you?

You can make your mom happy or make your wife happy. In other words are you a fool or are you smart?

 

[ronandannette]

You can make your mom happy or make your wife happy. In other words are you a fool or are you smart?

He should honor his wife - no contest. But again, his mom being mad is not really how he framed this. HE really wants to go (is "all about" it). His wife doesn't.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess i am of the mind set that either your wife should suck it up and go to keep peace between you and your family or you go without your wife. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't really want to do to keep peace but that's just my opinion.

I would absolutely never, ever, expect my spouse to 'suck it up'.
In fact, let me put that in bold.
I would absolutely never, ever, expect my spouse to 'suck it up'.
Now, don't get me wrong.... Compromise and understanding.. YES. Of course!
But, sucking it up, as in traveling together... NO. Period.

And, the other recent posts are right...
I am thinking the OP is now AWOL.
But, these recent posts are right. He has never mentioned his mother being 'angry' or having a strong negative reaction. He never said he felt obligated, or his mother would make it hell-to-pay if it didn't go her way.

It just seems to me that the comments that he has posted have all seemed to be in defense of his mom... With very little defense or respect for the wife's feelings. And, to me, that says a lot.

Doesn't matter in the end whether the mom is 'that bad' or not.
The wife seems to have reasons to, perhaps, feel uncomfortable with, and not want to travel with, her MIL. And this should be respected.

To those who say, accept the trip, but don't spend much time with the MIL...
I would never, ever, accept such a gift/gesture and then appear to be blowing them off half the time.

Personally, for me, it seems obvious that the whole motivation for this offer is for them to travel together. I see the fact that they will need to have separate accommodations as a minor detail.

 

[mom2rtk]

I guess i am of the mind set that either your wife should suck it up and go to keep peace between you and your family or you go without your wife. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't really want to do to keep peace but that's just my opinion.

There are times in life where perhaps a spouse needs to "suck it up".

I just don't think a free trip from mom is one of them.

 

[HarleenQ]

I guess i am of the mind set that either your wife should suck it up and go to keep peace between you and your family or you go without your wife. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't really want to do to keep peace but that's just my opinion.

LMAO. I'm sorry, but I don't know how this is an option. The OP's loyalty should be to his wife. They're a team. OP really needs to back up off his mommy. I'd love to hear the wife's version of her MIL.

And I, frankly, "sucked it up to keep the peace" for YEARS in my marriage. It's a recipe for disaster. When does that end? There's no reason someone should be uncomfortable to make someone else happy. That's just not fair to ask. I can agree that sucking it up needs to happen in some instances - but definitely not a freaking vacation. Family holiday? Sure.

OP's wife sucking it up wouldn't keep the peace anyway. There's no making everyone happy here, so OP should be focusing on making his nuclear family happy. Not mommy.

 

[Heidi Lou]

Are your wife's parents involved in her life? Just curious before I give my opinion.... and then ill explain why I ask.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I understand how your wife feels, but regardless, it really doesn't matter what I or anyone else besides your wife think. I think the person who feels the strongest about going vs not going should "get their way," but really, you can't force someone to do what they don't want to do.

 

[Zim]

I have a coworker who has always been a familial martyr (his parents and her mother). I asked recently when was the last time she and her husband took vacation time that didn't revolve around parents. It was 18 years ago. This explains why she comes back to the office after vacation tired, bedraggled, irritated and looking desperately in need of a vacation. Your mom might be flipping the bill, but your wife is giving up her well-earned vacation time to spend potentially placating someone else, someone she apparently can barely tolerate. That doesn't sound pleasant at all, and while it might sound like a good idea to take off with your parents sans wife if you have the extra time - tread lightly there if you aren't the current breadwinner in the house. Taking a vacation with your parents while your wife continues to toil at home might be a recipe for disaster.

Having said all that - I'd still have a conversation with your wife as to whether or not there are any terms under which she'd spend this week with your parents. I would never use the V word, as this is not going to be a vacation for her. I do like that your mom is already assuring you that they are camping and you are elsewhere at a hotel. I would certainly consider once in a blue moon spending a week with my in-laws even if I didn't care much for them if it was important to my spouse. But in this case, only if I were given the green light to, as one poster commented, stare at her blankly after a blatantly racist remark and then exit stage left to the nearest thrill ride.

 

[mom2rtk]

I have a coworker who has always been a familial martyr (his parents and her mother). I asked recently when was the last time she and her husband took vacation time that didn't revolve around parents. It was 18 years ago. This explains why she comes back to the office after vacation tired, bedraggled, irritated and looking desperately in need of a vacation. Your mom might be flipping the bill, but your wife is giving up her well-earned vacation time to spend potentially placating someone else, someone she apparently can barely tolerate. That doesn't sound pleasant at all, and while it might sound like a good idea to take off with your parents sans wife if you have the extra time - tread lightly there if you aren't the current breadwinner in the house. Taking a vacation with your parents while your wife continues to toil at home might be a recipe for disaster.

Having said all that - I'd still have a conversation with your wife as to whether or not there are any terms under which she'd spend this week with your parents. I would never use the V word, as this is not going to be a vacation for her. I do like that your mom is already assuring you that they are camping and you are elsewhere at a hotel. I would certainly consider once in a blue moon spending a week with my in-laws even if I didn't care much for them if it was important to my spouse. But in this case, only if I were given the green light to, as one poster commented, stare at her blankly after a blatantly racist remark and then exit stage left to the nearest thrill ride.

Your coworker only has herself to blame. No way in hell would I be spending all of my vacations with parents. "No" is a complete sentence. Of course, then she'd have to foot the bill herself I suppose.

 

[cabanafrau]

Your coworker only has herself to blame. No way in hell would I be spending all of my vacations with parents. "No" is a complete sentence. Of course, then she'd have to foot the bill herself I suppose.

I'm with you, until you mention the bill. In the coworker's case we have no suggestion the inlaws are footing the bill, merely that they've traveled with them for 18 years.

 

[HarleenQ]

Your coworker only has herself to blame. No way in hell would I be spending all of my vacations with parents. "No" is a complete sentence. Of course, then she'd have to foot the bill herself I suppose.

Right? Adults don't have to be around people that make them miserable. Family or not.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm with you, until you mention the bill. In the coworker's case we have no suggestion the inlaws are footing the bill, merely that they've traveled with them for 18 years.

I'm just playing the odds.

Why else would you continue to vacation with family for 18 years if you didn't enjoy it?

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm just playing the odds.

Why else would you continue to vacation with family for 18 years if you didn't enjoy it?

I think that's either filed under the category of good intentions or insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Some parents are very very adept at, beginning at birth, instilling in their children that (in the name of 'family', respect for elders, the hierarchy...) everything is always about them. To fly the coop and go off and do ANYTHING like this that does not involve the parents can feel like disrespect, disloyalty, and treason.
(NOTE: the recent thread about how to let the parents (grandparents) know that the family will, for once, be taking a vacation trip without them.)

 

[Zim]

Why else would you continue to vacation with family for 18 years if you didn't enjoy it?

I think that's either filed under the category of good intentions or insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I think martyrdom is often synonymous with some form of insanity. At least from the family members and friends I've witnessed using it. And to answer the follow up musing, I'm not sure it was a "vacation" per se as it was taking every bit of her vacation TIME here at work to travel and visit with family members. Not to be treated to vacation destinations. Ugh I can't even imagine every vacation day of mine being spent like it was Xmas with the extended family.