Your DD is just as mean she just says it nicer. What?????

[kt_mom]

Really, I didn't mean to come off as harsh. In VA (where I used to live) you can't get childcare for an infant for anywhere near $75. per week; that's only $15. per day. So it sounded like there might be a financial consideration for staying in a bad situation.

The relationship between your dd and niece (and your dd and her grandparents) might very well improve if they don't spend so much time together. What you described just sounds so toxic and harmful to your dd. In the end, (as I said previously) your family is the only thing you can control. You can't control your sister, you can't control your mother, you can't control your niece. Step away and do what's best for your dd.

No problem. I love my sister, I really do, but we are nothing alike and neither are our situations. I'm all for second chances and even third and fourth when warranted, but at some point enough is enough and you have to call a spade a spade. I hope for all of them that she grows up at some point, but I really resent the idea of being compared to her.

That being said, we're in a small town and most of the ladies I talked to about keeping DS charged anywhere from $100 to $125 a week. And the afterschool program at school is only I think about $120 a month so not a total budget buster for us.

But you're right, I can't control anyone else and I do have to do what's best for DD. She of course thinks its going to nana's after school because doesn't like after school care. But her idea of the lesser of two evils so to speak is going to be different from mine.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I didn't realize your son was still an infant so I do understand your preference that your mother be there for him but what about your daughter, is she there all afternoon with this swirling around her? How old is she, you mentioned that DD and niece are 10 months apart but I didn't catch her actual age.

 

[kt_mom]

OP, I understand as my SIL lives with my MIL and FIL with her son. MIL/FIL also watch him while she works. So guess who gets the most attention? Not my son which hurts my dh tremendously. And the funny thing is they deny it - but you know what, bc they live with them - they are the parents - they spend the most time with my nephew. Do we hate it? Yes. But we have said something, they denied it, now it's time to either move on or move away (emotionally/physically). We have moved away emotionally. We have another issue which I'm actually going to start a new thread on, but on this issue, that's what we decided to do. Good luck!

Thanks its nice to know we're not the only ones. Unfortunately DD gets it on both sides of the family. DH sis lived at home with her son for a long time. She's since moved out, gotten married works and has grown up. Her parents unfortunately still carry on the same with her son as if they are still parenting him. I guess its hard to let go. But he's the only grandchild they do this with and they have 6. I know there is some jealousy between her and her sis because of it but thankfully since we live 3 hours away we don't get caught up in it too much. They don't come here to visit at all really so its only when we go up there. It was rough sometimes when DD just wanted to spend the night with them and her cousin always had to be there but we just don't see them that much. And after a few heated discussions over this they have made more of an attempt to spend time with just DD when she's there. Now that she's a little older though she would prefer to go to her cousins house so I guess in the end they are kind of the ones that lose out.

 

[kt_mom]

I didn't realize your son was still an infant so I do understand your preference that your mother be there for him but what about your daughter, is she there all afternoon with this swirling around her? How old is she, you mentioned that DD and niece are 10 months apart but I didn't catch her actual age.

She's almost 8 and niece is almost 9.

 

[ilovejack02]

It's hard to disengage. Its hard to realize that your kids won't have the relationship with your parents that you had with theirs.

Your kids might have a better relationship with grandmom , if a little less time is spent with her . Grandparents are supposed to be just that , not full time care givers. Unfortunately you can't control your sis and niece , but you can control what goes on with your crew. Niece and DD fight because they are together so much, a distance could go a long way in this situation.

As far as bringing the niece to school still, let DH know this is your side of the family and you should really get to decide how things are going to work out with them. : )

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I think this is a big part of my issue. Everything is strings attached for us. She'll keep DS, which I pay for, but she needs us to take niece to school so she doesn't have to take him out in the mornings.

And its an issue with me towards my sister because I really wish she would get up off her lazy butt and take her own kid to school. But they can't count on her even being home in the morning to take niece even if she says she will. And I wish that she would be a parent so they didn't have to. Then maybe they could be grandparents to both girls. (its all different with DS)But they are grown ups and they want to help her. I agree they shouldn't be as involved in order for your sister to become independent and move out. The thing is you're always going to look like the "mean" one because she is always going to embrace the role of the "needy" on.

I like knowing that my DS is with someone every day that loves him since he can't be with me. And my DH insists that we take my niece even when my mom doesn't have DS because he doesn't think it should fall on her to have to and he knows my sis won't.I pay for childcare and DD is loved there and she loves her caregiver.

Its just a messed up situation all the way around. And I know that the only way to change it is to remove us from the equation but it really sucks to feel that way about your family.

Yes it is, I think you need to talk to your daughter though and make sure she isn't instigating. Maybe DD knows she is better off than your niece and so she rubs it in her face.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Thanks its nice to know we're not the only ones. Unfortunately DD gets it on both sides of the family. DH sis lived at home with her son for a long time. She's since moved out, gotten married works and has grown up. Her parents unfortunately still carry on the same with her son as if they are still parenting him. I guess its hard to let go. But he's the only grandchild they do this with and they have 6. I know there is some jealousy between her and her sis because of it but thankfully since we live 3 hours away we don't get caught up in it too much. They don't come here to visit at all really so its only when we go up there. It was rough sometimes when DD just wanted to spend the night with them and her cousin always had to be there but we just don't see them that much. And after a few heated discussions over this they have made more of an attempt to spend time with just DD when she's there. Now that she's a little older though she would prefer to go to her cousins house so I guess in the end they are kind of the ones that lose out.

OP, are you sure you aren't me? It's the same with us - my parents watched my DS's kids plus they all live 12 hours away from me/dh/son. So yes, we always say we are the odd men out; and I actually hold a lot guilt about the fact that our son has this issue on both sides. Thankfully, our son knows he is loved completely and wholeheartedly by us and that's what matters. Just like your daughter knows this about you and your dh. We need to start a club!

 

[disneycruising]

Wow, I lived this situation and have a couple of thoughts.

Your mom is essnetially the mother figure for your niece. She is trying to over compensate for the lack of parenting. It's called guilt and love mixed together.

Your daughter and niece are bickering and fighting because they spend alot o time together.Think siblings because that is what siblings do. You may not appreciate the way your niece does it but it sounds like typical siblings arguing to me. I had a cousin but a boy and we are 3 months apart. We could fight more than brothers and sisters.

Your niece is jealous I imagine. She knows that her situation is screwed up. She sees your daughter having a stable 2 parent home and she knows that her mother figure is her grandmother. She sees a mommy/daddy picking up or dropping off but it's never hers.

Your sister is buying all this useless stuff for your niece to overcompensate for what she can't give her which is 2 parents or maybe even stable parenting from herself. There were days my mom would just throw stuff at me to try to make it all better. It's one way to feel superior that her daughter has this or that while you don't. It's petty sure but it's way of coping.

You have to learn to do with the family you have and not the one you want. You don't like the way your sister acts and you think your mom favors your sister. The simple fact is that you don't have to live that life everyday. I imagine it can't be easy for anyone in your mom's household. I imagine your sister is just as jealous of you also. We all say it's easy to overcome and go on and have a happy ever after but it really isn't and some people aren't built for the hard road.

Figure out some ground rules. It sounds like no one is consistent with the rules. If your daughter is running her mouth at grandma's, grandma should call her on it just like you should be able to call your niece on it. They aren't being parented from all sides and have learned to play the angles.

Good luck sounds like it's a big headache.

I so agree with this.

Let me start off by saying...I can so relate to your family. My younger sisters is a lot like your, only mine doesn't have any money.

It drives my oldest sister and I crazy.

My oldest sister and I finally set up some 'grown rules' for how we were going to deal with the situation.

1) It is non of our business... how any of them choice to live.

2) We can not change them

3) We have to do what is right for 'our families'.
*The situation with my sister and my parents is not a heathy one and I
don't want my kids to be in it. So, we limit the amount of time we spend
with everyone.

4)We were not going to do anything to enable her.
* no more feeling sorry for her. She has made her choices she can live with
them. That is what grown adult do.

5) No more money!



My sister and I had a hard time doing this in the beginning. But it has gotten better.

We never told my sister or our parents what we were planning to do. We just made ourself less available.

Personally, I would start putting a plan together for the summer and next school year that doesn't involve your parents or your sister. Once you have a plan in place you need to tell them that you have decided do some thing different next year. You DO NOT have to tell them it is because of them. Just make it sound like it is better for you.

Good luck!

 

[kt_mom]

Yes it is, I think you need to talk to your daughter though and make sure she isn't instigating. Maybe DD knows she is better off than your niece and so she rubs it in her face.

Wow, I will have a talk with her, but I really hope this is not the case. It would break my heart. I don't see her as capable of being this way, but I also know that sometimes we have rose colored glasses when it comes to our kids even when we try not to.

 

[kt_mom]

I so agree with this.

Let me start off by saying...I can so relate to your family. My younger sisters is a lot like your, only mine doesn't have any money.

No, mine doesn't have any money either. Just a tax return and student financial aid burning a hole in her pocket. None of them have any money to be honest. But that doesn't keep them from spending it. But that's a whole different can of worms I don't want to open right now.

I think a plan to seperate us some and set some boundaries is a good idea. And one that we will work on.

 

[Scurvy]

Wow, I will have a talk with her, but I really hope this is not the case. It would break my heart. I don't see her as capable of being this way, but I also know that sometimes we have rose colored glasses when it comes to our kids even when we try not to.

I think all kids are capable of being that way in the right circumstances. Mean kids do it just because they know it hurts someone else, but nice kids also do hurtful things sometimes. Even adults are good about lashing out in the most hurtful way they can find when they are angry enough, and kids don't have all the filters that adults have. If her cousin was upsetting her enough, your daughter could have discovered the best way to hurt her back. It wouldn't mean that your child was bad or mean, just that she was finding an effective way to fight back. That said, obviously it's something that would need to stop.

 

[kt_mom]

I think all kids are capable of being that way in the right circumstances. Mean kids do it just because they know it hurts someone else, but nice kids also do hurtful things sometimes. Even adults are good about lashing out in the most hurtful way they can find when they are angry enough, and kids don't have all the filters that adults have. If her cousin was upsetting her enough, your daughter could have discovered the best way to hurt her back. It wouldn't mean that your child was bad or mean, just that she was finding an effective way to fight back. That said, obviously it's something that would need to stop.

I agree. And something I will definitely explore. Like I said, I love my niece very much and she holds a very special place in my heart. As much as it hurts me to see her do things that hurt DD it would hurt me so much to find out that DD did something like this to hurt her.

This is not something we would tolerate. I'm all for kids learning how to stick up for themselves when appropriate but this obviously would not be the right way to do it.

 

[Tiger926]

It sounds like OP is taking in all of the responses, and there are some very helpful ones on this thread.

At first read, and with subseqeunt posts, I see a lot of jealousy from the OP, as well as not believing that her daughter could be mean. The title of the thread is very telling - not sure why OP doesn't see that DD can be mean, in a very nice way? I know tons of students, kids and adults who operate this way.

As a highschool teacher, I can tell that most girls have perfected the art of being mean in a nice way. Once you believe that your kids are capable of doing anything, and assume that they are guilty, it really makes things a whole lot easier. Perhaps DD is tired of the drama, etc. and is sarcastic back to her cousin? And because many kids her age are manipulative, she is not going to present this behaviour in front of you or your husband, more than likely.

In our family, we were raised that you don't have to like a family member, but you have to be courteous and respectful (unless of course there is a serious issue involved, such as abuse). Perhaps the girls genuinely do not like each other, so don't force them to. I sense that OP is upset with the drama, and doesn't want to be inconvenienced by looking for alternate childcare, but it sounds like it's necessary to make a change in the current arrangement.

As so many other posters already said - you can't control your sister's spending, nor is it your business, unless of course you loan her money. You also can't control or force the cousins to like each other. They need to be separated, and that would probably solve a big part of the problem.

Sorry the OP is going through this, but there seems to be many layers to the story, and some of them, frankly are not relevant to the girls' relationship.

Good luck, Tiger

 

[RadioNate]

Thanks, and I've thought about it. DS is not with my mom to save money. In reality it doesn't save us much. It was great piece of mind when I went back to work and he was only 3 months old. But its a better option now that he's almost 9 months old. He's still a baby but they don't feel a fragile I guess, I don't know.

We've told DD that and she gets in trouble for it. She looses priveleges for her part in things. Trust me it doesn't just annoy my niece it annoys us too. And my DH gets on both of them in the car becuase he says it takes two to fight.

It's hard to disengage. Its hard to realize that your kids won't have the relationship with your parents that you had with theirs.

First off, major props for being part of an actual discussion rather than shutting down when you don't hear 100% exactly what you'd like to hear.

You can only control you. Not your parents, your sister, or even your DD. Your kids can have a great relationship with your parents even if they aren't your daycare providers. My parents live in another state and have great relationships with my kids.

Wow, I lived this situation and have a couple of thoughts.

Your mom is essnetially the mother figure for your niece. She is trying to over compensate for the lack of parenting. It's called guilt and love mixed together.

Your daughter and niece are bickering and fighting because they spend alot o time together.Think siblings because that is what siblings do. You may not appreciate the way your niece does it but it sounds like typical siblings arguing to me. I had a cousin but a boy and we are 3 months apart. We could fight more than brothers and sisters.

Your niece is jealous I imagine. She knows that her situation is screwed up. She sees your daughter having a stable 2 parent home and she knows that her mother figure is her grandmother. She sees a mommy/daddy picking up or dropping off but it's never hers.

Your sister is buying all this useless stuff for your niece to overcompensate for what she can't give her which is 2 parents or maybe even stable parenting from herself. There were days my mom would just throw stuff at me to try to make it all better. It's one way to feel superior that her daughter has this or that while you don't. It's petty sure but it's way of coping.

You have to learn to do with the family you have and not the one you want. You don't like the way your sister acts and you think your mom favors your sister. The simple fact is that you don't have to live that life everyday. I imagine it can't be easy for anyone in your mom's household. I imagine your sister is just as jealous of you also. We all say it's easy to overcome and go on and have a happy ever after but it really isn't and some people aren't built for the hard road.

Figure out some ground rules. It sounds like no one is consistent with the rules. If your daughter is running her mouth at grandma's, grandma should call her on it just like you should be able to call your niece on it. They aren't being parented from all sides and have learned to play the angles.

Good luck sounds like it's a big headache.

I absolutely agree here and I challenge the OP to cut the niece and even the sister to an extent a break. I'm sure the sister has made questionable choices and she probably continues to but living with your parents, who are parenting her child, at 27 can't make your sister feel that great about herself. I don't doubt she needs to grow up but sometimes when you are stuck it is hard to manage a way out. It becomes more a matter of self esteem and not feeling like you are worth any better.

I'm sure the niece would give anything to come from a loving two parent home. I know growing up I used to actually lie and make things up about my mom & dad and non-existent siblings just to feel more normal.

I actually don't think the mother favors the sister or the niece, not really. I think she's just as stuck as the people around her. What is she supposed to do? Let the niece suffer? I have a feeling she does far more of this for the niece then she does for her daughter.

Being a single mom is a tough row to hoe and I have a feeling that the sister is having a tough time coping.

Yes it is, I think you need to talk to your daughter though and make sure she isn't instigating. Maybe DD knows she is better off than your niece and so she rubs it in her face.

I did get the DD as an instigator vibe from one of the posts. My DS has a friend who is the biggest instigator out there. He plays the super sweet and innocent card so well. His parents are completely blind to it. He doesn't do it too much with my DS but I've called him out on it more than once. His poor sister falls for it every time. The boy instigates the trouble, giggles & plays sweet and she ends up grounded time and time again. The parents miss it all the time.

 

[padams]

I would keep your DD and DN apart for a while. They need a break from each other. Send your DD to after school care for the rest of the school year. By next fall, the girls may have matured to the point that they will get along better and you can try an after school arrangement again.

As for the car ride to school in the morning, I'd impose silent car rides until the girls learn the lesson that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

I have no doubt that your DD gets along better with her friends. She doesn't have to spend every school day afternoon at their homes, sharing their stuff and their Grandmother.

 

[kt_mom]

First off, major props for being part of an actual discussion rather than shutting down when you don't hear 100% exactly what you'd like to hear.

You can only control you. Not your parents, your sister, or even your DD. Your kids can have a great relationship with your parents even if they aren't your daycare providers. My parents live in another state and have great relationships with my kids.



I absolutely agree here and I challenge the OP to cut the niece and even the sister to an extent a break. I'm sure the sister has made questionable choices and she probably continues to but living with your parents, who are parenting her child, at 27 can't make your sister feel that great about herself. I don't doubt she needs to grow up but sometimes when you are stuck it is hard to manage a way out. It becomes more a matter of self esteem and not feeling like you are worth any better.

I'm sure the niece would give anything to come from a loving two parent home. I know growing up I used to actually lie and make things up about my mom & dad and non-existent siblings just to feel more normal.

I actually don't think the mother favors the sister or the niece, not really. I think she's just as stuck as the people around her. What is she supposed to do? Let the niece suffer? I have a feeling she does far more of this for the niece then she does for her daughter.

Being a single mom is a tough row to hoe and I have a feeling that the sister is having a tough time coping.



I did get the DD as an instigator vibe from one of the posts. My DS has a friend who is the biggest instigator out there. He plays the super sweet and innocent card so well. His parents are completely blind to it. He doesn't do it too much with my DS but I've called him out on it more than once. His poor sister falls for it every time. The boy instigates the trouble, giggles & plays sweet and she ends up grounded time and time again. The parents miss it all the time.

I'm trying to look at all sides and I don't want to be blind to what my DD is capable of. But to be honest, I'm still not convinced that she's some passive agressive mean child, or even an instigator.

And the girls do love each other. And sometimes they play together beautifully and nothing makes me happier. Fighting with her cousin makes DD sad. I've never seen DD be outright mean to my niece and no one has been able to give me a definitive example. I know she annoys her when she tattle tales but sometimes it warranted. And I know she can be bossy and she gets in trouble for that. But I've yet to have anyone be able to give me an example of her being mean whether its said nicely or not. And all this is above and beyond the normal bickering kids/siblings do over what to play or watch on tv and such. This is DD trying to talk to my niece who can't be bothered to even respond or if she does its something hateful. I've heard it with my own ears and can give numerous examples.

I want to cut my sis some slack. I know she's had it rough. But I refuse to enable the behavior anymore or act like its okay to stay out to all hours of the night and sleep on the couch while everyone else takes care of your child. She likes to show up for the fun stuff but that's about it. And unfortunately for my niece her dad is the same way. So she has two sets of grandparents overcompensating for their kids. And if I could I would bring her to live with us and treat her as my own child but I can't. We do try to involve her in things with us though and two summers ago she came and spent several weeks with us.

We love our niece and we both want to see her happy. But I don't feel that her issues are dealt with and you have to wonder if its why she doesn't have friends at school. Does she talk to kids at school the way she talks to DD? What kind of life are they setting her up to have. At some point I think my mom (like I said my dad is much more objective) has to take off the blinders and see that there is a problem and saying that DD is just as bad isn't fixing it. I welcome them to discipline DD if she's acting out and they know that. Just as we will with my niece if she's with us. I don't know how many times I've had to tell my niece "don't speak to your nana that way". So the problem is not just with DD and my niece.

And the other poster was right there are so many layers to all this and many of them don't or shouldn't affect the girls.

Its not that I can't be bothered to find alternate child care. I could put DD in afterschool care but she would be miserable. But it may be what we do next year. At this point the girls do still love eachother and most of the time I think they like eachother but that could change if things stay the way they are. As far as DS goes I'd have to move him too and he'll be older so it won't be as big of a deal. But don't think I'm any more dependent on my mom for childcare then she is on me for that $75 each week.

And as far as the money goes in the end it is our business becasue when she gets it we hear about it, and when its gone we hear about. In fact we hear about it all around. And yes we are asked to borrow money by all of them. She'll blow through about 8K this month. Then we'll spend the next five months (til the next financial aid check) hearing about how broke she is made to feel guilty every time we spend a dime. Thoughts of her $600 video games purchase long gone. "it must be nice to be able to go on vacation" "it must be nice to be able to go to dinner" etc etc. So yes, I feel it is my business. If she doesn't want it to be then don't tell me about it!

 

[rie'smom]

I'm trying to look at all sides and I don't want to be blind to what my DD is capable of. But to be honest, I'm still not convinced that she's some passive agressive mean child, or even an instigator.

We love our niece and we both want to see her happy. But I don't feel that her issues are dealt with and you have to wonder if its why she doesn't have friends at school. Does she talk to kids at school the way she talks to DD? What kind of life are they setting her up to have. At some point I think my mom (like I said my dad is much more objective) has to take off the blinders and see that there is a problem and saying that DD is just as bad isn't fixing it. I welcome them to discipline DD if she's acting out and they know that. Just as we will with my niece if she's with us. I don't know how many times I've had to tell my niece "don't speak to your nana that way". So the problem is not just with DD and my niece.

And the other poster was right there are so many layers to all this and many of them don't or shouldn't affect the girls.

Its not that I can't be bothered to find alternate child care. I could put DD in afterschool care but she would be miserable. But it may be what we do next year. At this point the girls do still love eachother and most of the time I think they like eachother but that could change if things stay the way they are. As far as DS goes I'd have to move him too and he'll be older so it won't be as big of a deal. But don't think I'm any more dependent on my mom for childcare then she is on me for that $75 each week.

Firstly, chances are your daughter would be an instigator at least some of the time.
Next, there is a 1 year difference with the girls. Your niece may be getting ready to hit puberty with all the crazy hormonal changes that entails.
Your daughter and your niece will not even like each other if they are forced to be together everyday. Some change is in order.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm trying to look at all sides and I don't want to be blind to what my DD is capable of. But to be honest, I'm still not convinced that she's some passive agressive mean child, or even an instigator.

Of course she is, at least some of the time. She is a CHILD and this is how children sometimes behave. Children behave childish. It's why we sometimes tell adults to stop acting like children when they behave badly. If it works for her, she is capable of it and will use it.

That doesn't mean she is a "bad kid" or is going to turn into a huge delinquent. It simply means that she is an 8 year old girl.

 

[Tiger926]

I'm trying to look at all sides and I don't want to be blind to what my DD is capable of. But to be honest, I'm still not convinced that she's some passive agressive mean child, or even an instigator.

And the girls do love each other. And sometimes they play together beautifully and nothing makes me happier. Fighting with her cousin makes DD sad. I've never seen DD be outright mean to my niece and no one has been able to give me a definitive example. I know she annoys her when she tattle tales but sometimes it warranted. And I know she can be bossy and she gets in trouble for that. But I've yet to have anyone be able to give me an example of her being mean whether its said nicely or not. And all this is above and beyond the normal bickering kids/siblings do over what to play or watch on tv and such. This is DD trying to talk to my niece who can't be bothered to even respond or if she does its something hateful. I've heard it with my own ears and can give numerous examples.

I want to cut my sis some slack. I know she's had it rough. But I refuse to enable the behavior anymore or act like its okay to stay out to all hours of the night and sleep on the couch while everyone else takes care of your child. She likes to show up for the fun stuff but that's about it. And unfortunately for my niece her dad is the same way. So she has two sets of grandparents overcompensating for their kids. And if I could I would bring her to live with us and treat her as my own child but I can't. We do try to involve her in things with us though and two summers ago she came and spent several weeks with us.

We love our niece and we both want to see her happy. But I don't feel that her issues are dealt with and you have to wonder if its why she doesn't have friends at school. Does she talk to kids at school the way she talks to DD? What kind of life are they setting her up to have. At some point I think my mom (like I said my dad is much more objective) has to take off the blinders and see that there is a problem and saying that DD is just as bad isn't fixing it. I welcome them to discipline DD if she's acting out and they know that. Just as we will with my niece if she's with us. I don't know how many times I've had to tell my niece "don't speak to your nana that way". So the problem is not just with DD and my niece.

And the other poster was right there are so many layers to all this and many of them don't or shouldn't affect the girls.

Its not that I can't be bothered to find alternate child care. I could put DD in afterschool care but she would be miserable. But it may be what we do next year. At this point the girls do still love eachother and most of the time I think they like eachother but that could change if things stay the way they are. As far as DS goes I'd have to move him too and he'll be older so it won't be as big of a deal. But don't think I'm any more dependent on my mom for childcare then she is on me for that $75 each week.

And as far as the money goes in the end it is our business becasue when she gets it we hear about it, and when its gone we hear about. In fact we hear about it all around. And yes we are asked to borrow money by all of them. She'll blow through about 8K this month. Then we'll spend the next five months (til the next financial aid check) hearing about how broke she is made to feel guilty every time we spend a dime. Thoughts of her $600 video games purchase long gone. "it must be nice to be able to go on vacation" "it must be nice to be able to go to dinner" etc etc. So yes, I feel it is my business. If she doesn't want it to be then don't tell me about it!

Thanks for the responses.

1. Why aren't you convinced that she can be an instigator? That is how many children act. Again, just because children don't demonstrate this behaviour in front of their parents, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. You have to be open to the fact that it has, and probably will happen again. Does it mean your daughter is bad? Nope. But, if you own that she is capable, and probably has caused issues, then it will help you and your daughter deal with what comes next.

2. Unless you actually do loan her the money, then it isn't your business. If you loan her the money, with conditions, and she breaks them, then don't loan anymore money. Simple as that! If you haven't actually loaned her any, and you are just tired of hearing about it, then you don't have any business telling her how to spend her money. Unless of course your niece is being neglected for food or clothes. Honestly, you sound a bit jealous in this regard, as you keep bringing up what she buys, etc. Have you ever confronted your sister about this? Have you spoken to your parents about money issues?

Best of luck to you in this situation. DH's family is similar in that they are the biggest enablers you will find, and they continually enable his messed up sister and raise her children. They don't have the money, nor emotional stability to do so, and every time we bring it up with them, it is a problematic conversation, yet they complain to us about how DH's sister is a problem, etc. We remind them that they created the problem, and will continue to do so until they force his sister to grow up. We don't spend much time with them, as it's hard for my hubby. But if I was in your shoes, I would absolutely limit contact, as we have, as I think the situation will get worse, as the girls get older. Especially when they are teenagers - watch out!!!

Tiger

 

[Magic Mom]

Until your DD is the innocent victim you really can't complain. And I will say some of the nastiest girls my DD ever ran into where the ones who were mean while "saying it nice" I know exactly what your Mom is saying, and that can be vicious. So until your DD quits being mean you have no right to tell your niece to not be mean. I'll take an outright mean girl anyday over the do it nice ones.

It is also the old you get what you pay for. If you are unhappy with the situation change it, pay for your DD to go elsewhere or deal with the problems that come with the situation. Which is more important the money or the fighting? Don't use your Mom for childcare.

And who cares if they get the same stuff, that will happen all her life whether it is friends or relatives or neighbors.

This. OP, you don't want you sister to buy nice things that your dd doesn't have with her tax money, and you don't want your sister to buy things your daughter does have. You want your nieces bad behavior addressed, but you dd's bad behavior isn't such a big deal to you.

Who cares what your niece gets. Does it really bother you that she got a wii when you got a wii? Does she not deserve one just because your dd got one first? Holy cow.

Go out and find new daycare if your current arrangement doesn't work, but don't hold it against your niece and sister.