Your DD is just as mean she just says it nicer. What?????

[lillygator]

I guess I would remove myself from the situation. Your sister is living rent free yet buys all kinds of gadgets and can't be bothered to help your parents out and not only are you paying them to watch your son, but are being loaned money by you? I would put your son in daycare and just have dh take dd to school....I bet she isn't throwing any gas money your way either? Then dh can drop dd off with no fights! I certainly know what it is like with two girls fighting in the am....not a great start to your day.

 

[tlbwriter]

I wonder if your mother's unequal treatment of the girls spurs some of their fights. Maybe not being together so much under her supervision would be helpful.

 

[Disney Doll]

You also have to divest yourself from thinking that you are going to have any power to change anything at your mother's house.

 

[Tiger926]

@ Tiger – Sis has owed me $250 for over 4 years. I know that I will never see that money again. I will also not loan any additional money. We do frequently loan money to my parents which I don’t mind so much but it does get frustrating when I know that if my sis would just do a little on her end things wouldn’t be so hard on my mom and dad. But again, I didn’t really want to open the money can of worms. I’m frustrated about the xbox because I know that in a month she will be broke and angry and miserable to be around again when just a little bit of forward thinking and planning and she could be less stressed and more pleasant to be around. I also know that my DN needs uniforms for school and spring clothes and stuff. All stuff my parents will have to buy for her. But sis did buy her a new pair of Nike shox and a purse from justice. Which is great and I’m sure that it made DN very happy and she got to go shopping with her mom which is actually a great thing and probably made her feel better then anything she could have bought her. But sometimes we can’t just buy the fun stuff, we need to buy the everyday needs and then if there’s leftovers we can buy the fun stuff. I also know that my dad would have really liked it if she had bought herself a car so she could quit using his. But my DH wasn’t able to find her a car right away and like I said the money was burning a hole in her pocket.

I figured you had loaned her some money in the past. Good to hear that you aren't going to loan her anything any longer, as you more than likely would never see that money. She should have paid you back the money she owed you, instead of buying an Xbox, but based on how you've presented your sister, she isn't a responsible adult, so she probably wouldn't even think of paying you back.

Hubby's sister does the same thing, and it is frustrating as we see the toll it takes on his parents, but it's their choice. They raised her to be like that, and they accept her behaviour, so she has no reason to stop now. I totally understand your situation, as it's very similar to hubby's sister's life.

I think you have gotten some really great advice from alot of different view points.

I completely understand how hard this is emotionally on you. This in not the way we want our lives to turn out. All you want is the best for everyone. But you can' t do anything to make it right...they have to do it themselves.

Your sister is a grown adult and needs to grow up! There is NOTHING you can do to fix this for her. This is her issue. Truely, you are not helping her if you do 'anything' for her. She expects it! Do not help her in any way. No more money, no more carpool, no more job leads.

Your parents are choosing to live this way...probably out of quilt. This is going to be bad for all involved! You sister will never get on her own two feet, if everything is being done for her. You need to remember that they are choosing to be this way. Your sister could not be taking advantage of them with their permission! You need to understand it has nothing to do with you...they feel bad that your sister has messed up her life.

Your parents might never be the kind of 'grandparents' to you children that you 'dream' of. Because they are to busy being the 'parent' to our DN. You need to allow your children and your parent the to opportunity to create a relationship on their own. One that is not based on just 'caring' for them. I would talk with you mom and ask her what kind of grandma she want to be? You might be surprised by the answer.

You need to take your children out of your mothers care. It is not worth it! It is emotionally...to expensive for every one. She needs to be the grandma again!

I know you probably feel very sorry for you DN . I think you truely want the best for her. But, I think you are going about it in the wrong way. I think, you have gotten to involved in her day to day life. That is your sister's job & now grandmas too. Even if they are not doing it the way you would like, it is there job to do.

I would ask yourself if this is the kind of aunt you want to be? If not find a way to do it differently. I would probably want to be the fun aunt! The person that comes over once a week or once a month and takes her out to do something really fun. I would go over and pick her up and spend time with her "alone". Or maybe just spend an hout playing her new video game. I would also include her in 'my family' sometimes (maybe once a month) ...if everyone can get along. Maybe a friday night movie or game night. I would want her to know that I am always there... no matter what! mYou can't be that kind aunt... if you are playing the parent role.

What was your relationship with your sister like growing up? Do you have any kind of a relationship with your sister now?

I know how hard this is to go through. It took me many years, before I figured out that I need to make some changes, for me to be happy!

Good advice! This is how it is with hubby's sister. His parents now have 2 additional kids, as they are parents to our nieces too. It's very hard for my hubby, but not much can be done, as his mother feels guilty for getting pregnant with him as a teenager, and her daughter did the same thing 2x, so she functions in the guilt-enabling-make up mode with my sister in law and our nieces. The problem for my hubby is that his whole family acts this way. They clearly favour our nieces, some more blatantly than others, and now my poor daughter gets it even worse, as they favour our son, as he's the first boy in their family in 20 years. It angers my hubby and I, but our very astute and smart daughter is now starting to notice it, and she is asking questions about why they favour her cousins and her baby brother over her. The sad thing is, she is the first born granddaughter, and was planned for, and my sister in law got jealous, and got knocked up by some loser in her first few months of college, so our niece was born a month after our daughter. Then she did it again, when we were trying for our son. My poor hubby has been upstaged most of his life by his sister. He hates her, but tolerates her in order to keep the peace, but it tears him up inside, so I can understand how upsetting this is for the OP.

You are correct. I am sorry it is this way, but it is true.
What you have to figure out is what you are going to do about it so that it doesn't upset your family (meaning DH, DD, DS & you).

People have given you some good advice.
The bottom line is that the problem isn't really between the kids. The problem is your dislike of the situation at your mother's house.

*Your sister is 27 and should be handling her own life and she is mooching off your mother & father.
*Your niece is favored by your mother because your mother sees her as a victim of your sister's poor life choices so Grandma is trying to over-compensate. Annoying, but very typical, behavior in these types of situations.
*Your parenst are enabling sister's mooching/loser behavior.
*You are pissed because you are the "good" daughter...work hard, married to a nice man, trying to raise a nice family with good values etc. and your screwball sister & by extension, her child, get all the attention. Meanwhile it seems like you are being "punished" in a way for doing the right thing...living a stable life.

DH has a sister like this and when my late DMIL was alive, believe me, she was exactly the same way. DMIL discussed with my DH signing over her house to DH's loser sister because "she & her husband really have nothing & you & your wife & your other sister & her husband have nice houses". And how did we get those nice houses? By working hard and saving our money and paying our bills rather than pissing money away, going to the casino, buying people a million gifts all the time for the "show" of it, buying ex-ensive clothes, only shopping at "certain" stores, only wearing designer fashions and so forth. DH said to his mother "Mom, it's your house and your money and you can certainly do whatever you wish but it seems to me like you're rewarding the bad behavior of not being responsible and punishing the good behavior or being responsible, and something about that isn't logical".

Really the way to fix it to divest yourself of being involved in their day to day life. It frustrates you, it frustrates them, it furstrates your kids.

If I were in this situation, I would make other childcare arrangements for both of my children, spend less time there and be an aunt to your niece by taking her out or having her hang at your house once or twice per month where you could do fun things, monitor her & your DD's behavior and not be involved in all the drama.

to you OP. It's a difficult situation.

Such a great synopsis of hubby's situation as well. Adult children who have never grown up, usually don't, as they are enabled and encouraged to act this way by family members. It's a terrible situation, and it's why the OP's niece has a very high chance of completely recreating the exact same situation as she gets older. It's a vicious cycle, which is why the OP probably wants to help as much as possible while her niece is still young.

You also have to divest yourself from thinking that you are going to have any power to change anything at your mother's house.

Absolutely correct!!!

Tiger

 

[kt_mom]

They clearly favour our nieces, some more blatantly than others, and now my poor daughter gets it even worse, as they favour our son, as he's the first boy in their family in 20 years.


Adult children who have never grown up, usually don't, as they are enabled and encouraged to act this way by family members. It's a terrible situation, and it's why the OP's niece has a very high chance of completely recreating the exact same situation as she gets older. It's a vicious cycle, which is why the OP probably wants to help as much as possible while her niece is still young.


Tiger

Wow, kinda the same thing for DS. He's the first boy on my/my mom's side of the family. So everyone was overjoyed with his arrival. DD hasn't noticed that part too much yet becuase she is still completely in love with him herself. (he's not walking yet and hasn't torn up anything of hers yet. We'll se how long this lasts!)

I don't want to see DN go down the same path as my sis. She started making bad choices pretty young, like 12 and DN is only a few short years from that age.

 

[cheshireqt]

My 2 cents
Qualifier...Because I never lived near my Grandparents, and b/c my Mom always worked herself when living nearby once I had kids, to me "normal" grandparent does not equate to sitter/caregiver ...To me normal grandparent activities are to have the grandkids over with the parents for special dinners and holidays, a week or two of summer vacation, or if live close by, for overnight visits or on weekends to go to the park or plant a garden, or to make cookies or something. They also help out in emergencies. I know that is not the way it works for a lot of people who live in the same area as their parents, but maybe it is time for you to re-evaluate what normal is and should be and a way to get there.
It seems pretty clear that things are going to escalate, and soon. In order to preserve the relationships all the way around you may need to find daycare for your kids. I know it is not fair that your sis gets a free ride, but you are already paying for daycare so it is not like she is getting something new over on you. Make it easy on yourself and put yourself back in control of what you approve of and don't approve of for your kids. With a paid caregiver you will have some say in what goes on and should be an objective mind when disputes arise. Also it is not good for these girls to grow up sniping at each other, and competing with each other.
As far as some comments you received about your DD----I am sure your DD does say things to your DN, like PP have said, but I betcha it was after being rudely put down one to many times. Everyone has their limit, and everyone will act out once they reach it. It does not mean your DD is a mean girl at all or that you are in denial. It means she has been verbally abused and is putting up her verbal dukes, and you, well you only just found out for petes sake! Anyway some time apart would be so good for your DD. She will still have time and relationship with her Grandma, Aunt and cousin, just hopefully you will be around to witness what goes on for a while!
good luck, Families can be so wonderful and yet so trying at times

 

[Wall-E1]

To me there is a distinct difference in being a tattle tale and pushing someone in the face. Between telling you its gross to toot on someone and telling someone they are stupid. One is normal childish bickering which they both do the other is mean. And DD’s natural response when DN upsets her is to cry. She’s overly sensitive and although this can be annoying I would not consider it mean. DN natural response is to lash out and either say something hateful, or push DD or something along those lines.

I want the bickering to stop but my the hateful behavior is a huge concern. Yes tattling and whining are a HUGE annoyance but in my opinion not comparable to pushing and hateful words.

This is where I don't think you are being objective. Like others have said, these two girls have more of a sibling relationship. So, I don't consider one to be especially mean or bullying. What seems to be happening here is that one has some "annoying" qualities that sets the other one off. Possibly, your daughter knows what buttons to push that will cause the niece to lash out, either with words or pushing her away. If one child is antagonizing another child by bossing them around, tattling, etc. until the other child snaps and says a bad word, I don't consider that hateful behavior. Neither girl's behavior is acceptable, but they may both be equally to blame for the constant back and forth.

As to your situation, like other posters have said, I think it would be best to find other child care. Although your daughter is happy with the set up, you seem miserable. You are frustrated not only with the niece, but also your sister and parents. If you can't just let it go, then back away and find alternate care for your children. You just seem to harboring a lot of resentment towards everybody in the family. I'm not saying it is right or wrong. I'm just saying that it seems to be upsetting you enough, that a break from them would probably be best for you.

 

[Agri]

Your DN and your DD can be close without spending so much time together and doing so many things together. DN is getting to the age where she'll want to start doing more things on her own and finding her own identity. It sounds like your DD is accustomed to them doing a lot of things together and doesn't handle it well when DN does her own thing.

To me, it really sounds like they spend way too much time together - even if your DD would prefer to be at your mom's, she might enjoy the aftercare program MORE when she makes friends there, too.

And truthfully, its not about what would make your DD happy - its about what would be best for her well-being. I doubt being around your less-than-awesome sister and your picking-favorites-mom several times a week is good for her. And it will only get worse when her brother gets older and she finds out he's a favorite too just because of his gender. It won't be pretty.

Sure, its convenient and it allows you to help take care of your niece, too. However - the truth is your niece is your NIECE, not your daughter and not your son. Unless you take custody of her, how she is being raised is not your business. Your parents have chosen to take on this burden - stop helping them with it.

I honestly cannot imagine living an infant with a woman who has health issues to the point of disability - especially something like Fibro. What happens if she's having a bad day and she's all by herself? What happens to your son?

Another part of the problem probably IS you and your husband trying to help your parents out so much. By helping them out you're enabling the same pattern of behavior with your sister. Your sister doesn't have to worry because her parents will take care of her and your parents don't have to worry because you'll take care of them. Your sister has absolutely no reason to grow up if everyone takes care of her and her responsibilities.

My advice? Get your kids out of that house at least for a few months and stop supporting your parents and your sister. Give them time to really deal with their decisions without your help.

 

[Frye7127]

Is the mama buying the things or your parents?

My parents have absolutely funded my niece. If it weren't for them, she would have not had many nicer things such as designer purses shoes, clothes out the rear, a car, etc. Kinda burns me to no end, but in the end it is their money to spend as they see fit. The thing that gets me is when my dad will give my son a hard time because we aren't sending him to camp or tae kwon do anymore (due to finances)...but if it were my niece they would have ponied up for it. My sister and BIL act like children playing house with no real responsibilities and do nothing more than to get by until the next paycheck.

I think it is time for you to distance yourself. Your child will never have the relationship your niece has with them due to the circumstances. And, your sister should be ashamed that she has put you all in that position.

 

[SLM]

I can see why you're unhappy-there's alot going on here if the girls need a break from each other maybe you can resolve them. If it's any consolation, my daughter and my neice (6 months apart) used to fight terribly-from the time they were toddlers until they went to college-and my sister and I had a good relationship! Now they are 27 year olds-both young married moms and they are very close! They worked it out on their own terms and I guess it took time and maturity (on both their parts).
Good luck and hope things improve!