Your DD is just as mean she just says it nicer. What?????

[Wall-E1]

I don't see her as capable of being this way, but I also know that sometimes we have rose colored glasses when it comes to our kids even when we try not to.

DD does get in trouble for arguing or being mean to my niece. She can be a little bossy and I know that really makes my niece mad and its something she gets in trouble for. And she always tattles and I know that really makes my neice mad. You don't need to tattle because the other person doesn't want to play what you want to play. Just find something to do on your own and move on, you know.

I'm trying to look at all sides and I don't want to be blind to what my DD is capable of. But to be honest, I'm still not convinced that she's some passive agressive mean child, or even an instigator.

Now DD is not a saint by any means. I've seen her pick at my niece and she can be kind of bossy but I've never heard her just be downright hateful, more annoying then anything.

The above posts are just not consistent - and please don't take this the wrong way. I'm just trying to understand. In one post, you say that your daughter does get in trouble for being mean to her niece. In another post, you say that you don't see your daughter being capable of acting this way. Then you say you've seen her "pick" at your niece. And you also say that she does not instigate. You seem conflicted. I understand with our kids, we want to see the best in them, and honestly, both girls seem like typical girls at their age. I don't think either one is bad. They're children, so they are engaging in childish behavior. In one of your posts you explained how your daughter tattles if the niece doesn't want to play whatever your daughter wants to. I could see that getting annoying and the niece perhaps calling her a mean name. I don't see that as being a mean child. Sometimes annoying behavior just makes us lose it for a moment.

Well her tax refund is burning a hole in her pocket and she bougt a xbox and kinec last night.

you have to wonder if its why she doesn't have friends at school.

When you make comments like that about your sister and niece, it just comes across as being bitter in some way. If your sister is going to school and working a job, perhaps she feels guilty for not being around as much as she should. That could be a reason she bought the xbox. And your portrayal of this niece being the mean one with no friends comes across as being exaggerated somehow.

I want so badly for my children to have a normal relationship with my parents but its never going to happen because of my sister and her daughter.

Could you replace the word "children" with you? Maybe you feel that your sister and niece are preventing "you" from having the relationship with your parents that you wish to have. Maybe since she lives there and gets more time with them, there is a little bit of jealousy going on.

 

[luckylady]

Just another thought on child care. Go ahead and put the baby with someone else. This ill take awy the need for your DH to take neice to school as your mom will have no excuse to keep her from doing so. You parents are enablers, allowing your sister to sleep in and not take her. Perhaps her being late to school or missing it a few time may open her eyes. Providing grandma doesn't take her. For your DD try going to Primetime as it's called herr three days a week and g-mas the other two. This gives the girls a break from each other perhaps making their time together more pleasent for all around.It's normal for kids that age to fight. Trust me it gets better, but like the saying goes it's always darkest before the dawn. WHen your sister says things like it must be nice to take a vacation, eat out. Just say it sure is. We both work hard for the money so we can. We know how to save it. Catty , sure is but perhaps that's what she will understand. You don't blow your money you can take a nice vacation or eat out every now and then. As for your neice getting everything, I say sit back and watch the show. At 9 she has already learned she gets what she wants. Teenage yeas are closing in and I believe she is going to give everyone ten fits when the time come she doesn't get everything. All I can say is the close adults in her life brought it on themselves. You reap what you sow. Take a breath and let a lot of it go. I know it sounds easy to say and at times it will be hard to do. I nkow that becuse I lived it for 25 years with the out-laws except BIl and his now ex and daughter didn't live with them Grandparent baby sat for neice and spoiled her rotten. Spent over $500 on her every christmas and paid for singing lessons for 10 years ballet for 4. My kids $5 on christmas and they never went to anything they were involved in(vilion(sp), viola and chello 18 years worth of concerts and ballet for DD) It botherd me at first till I realized my kids knew the score and now as adults want very little to do with them and the(g-parents) don't know why. Take a breath and one day it will resolve it's self.

 

[badblackpug]

Honestly, you are having trouble being objective about your daughter. She is an 8 year old girl, and having had an 8 year old girl, I know she can give as well as she takes. You said yourself that your niece is lacking in social skills, that just says to me that she doesn't know enough to hide this behavior from adults whereas your daughter might. I had a friend in a similar situation, her MIL watched her daughter, her niece lived with MIL. Of course MIL and niece had a closer relationship, they spend more time together, it's only natural, the same with your niece and your mother. The girls bickered, but my friends daughter was sneaky. She didn't do it aloud, in front of adults, or in a very obvious fashion, but she did it just the same. The other thing, that you may not realize is that your daughter is probably picking up on your resentment, and I'm sorry, but superior feelings. I know this was the case with my friend. Her daughter rubbed many of the attitudes from her mother into her nieces face. The fact that her mother had to live with her mother, the fact that her father was not in the picture, the fact that she got better things, right down to stupid things like how her hair was done. Honestly, I heard it all 1st hand, but my friend would have sworn that her daughter did no wrong.

The thing that strikes me is that you seem much more bothered by the bickering than the girls. Your daughter, when given the choice, still sees to consider your niece her bestie. You may want to just ignore it, and when you daughter tattles tell her "I don't want to hear it, work it out for yourself."

You can't control how your sister spends her money. You can only control yourself. I had a friend that was much like this, she bought her son everything my daughter had, because she felt bad about her parenting because she was a single mom. (I'm not saying that's bad, I'm saying she felt like she had to make sure her son had more or better to compensate for the things he didn't have) At a very early age, 6 I think, I had this discussion with my daughter: "You know J asks for, and gets everything he wants, and he wants a lot of things just because other people have them, not because it's something he really likes. I want you to spend your money wisely, and only choose things you really like and really want because they will be things that will mean a lot to you. It is better to have a few nice things that you really love, than a lot of stuff that doesn't really matter to you."

I would also tell your daughter that you can't stand the bickering, and that if it doesn't improve by the start of school next year she will be going to after school program. Let her decide what is more important.

It really seems as if you are competing with your sister as much as she competes with you. Maybe you are resentful because your parents do so much for her?

 

[Tiger926]

Honestly, you are having trouble being objective about your daughter. She is an 8 year old girl, and having had an 8 year old girl, I know she can give as well as she takes. You said yourself that your niece is lacking in social skills, that just says to me that she doesn't know enough to hide this behavior from adults whereas your daughter might. I had a friend in a similar situation, her MIL watched her daughter, her niece lived with MIL. Of course MIL and niece had a closer relationship, they spend more time together, it's only natural, the same with your niece and your mother. The girls bickered, but my friends daughter was sneaky. She didn't do it aloud, in front of adults, or in a very obvious fashion, but she did it just the same. The other thing, that you may not realize is that your daughter is probably picking up on your resentment, and I'm sorry, but superior feelings. I know this was the case with my friend. Her daughter rubbed many of the attitudes from her mother into her nieces face. The fact that her mother had to live with her mother, the fact that her father was not in the picture, the fact that she got better things, right down to stupid things like how her hair was done. Honestly, I heard it all 1st hand, but my friend would have sworn that her daughter did no wrong.

The thing that strikes me is that you seem much more bothered by the bickering than the girls. Your daughter, when given the choice, still sees to consider your niece her bestie. You may want to just ignore it, and when you daughter tattles tell her "I don't want to hear it, work it out for yourself."

You can't control how your sister spends her money. You can only control yourself. I had a friend that was much like this, she bought her son everything my daughter had, because she felt bad about her parenting because she was a single mom. (I'm not saying that's bad, I'm saying she felt like she had to make sure her son had more or better to compensate for the things he didn't have) At a very early age, 6 I think, I had this discussion with my daughter: "You know J asks for, and gets everything he wants, and he wants a lot of things just because other people have them, not because it's something he really likes. I want you to spend your money wisely, and only choose things you really like and really want because they will be things that will mean a lot to you. It is better to have a few nice things that you really love, than a lot of stuff that doesn't really matter to you."

I would also tell your daughter that you can't stand the bickering, and that if it doesn't improve by the start of school next year she will be going to after school program. Let her decide what is more important.

It really seems as if you are competing with your sister as much as she competes with you. Maybe you are resentful because your parents do so much for her?

I agree with a lot of this, but take issue with the bolded part.

I would never say to my child anything that is judgmental about another person. How do you know that child gets everything he asks for? How do you know he doesn't respect those things? Again, you as another parent should not be specifically commenting on another child or parenting style.

You could speak to this in a general way though: "Some kids ask for toys, or purchase toys that they don't really want and then they don't play with those toys, so for you, we would like you to think about what you would like to buy, and make sure you really do want to play with it, so you don't waste your money."

Honestly, I think most parents, perhaps OP included, comment way too much on other people's kids and parental styles, and this is not any child's business, as far as I'm concerned, as it teaches them to be judgmental, and it allows them to go back to the spoken about party, and tell them what you said.

It is none of our business how or why people spend their money, unless they are in danger of neglect or they have borrowed money from you and not paid you back.

I just think it's important for OP to see that she is being judgmental and sounds jealous as there seems to be many issues built up in her family. The kids should have no part in any of that, as they are still young and impressionable, but they are also of the age where they will internalize these feelings and possibly make them a part of their relationships with each other. The OP's DD and niece may be treating each other, the way they see and hear the adults treating each other...

Tiger

 

[tlbwriter]

I've never seen DD be outright mean to my niece and no one has been able to give me a definitive example. I know she annoys her when she tattle tales but sometimes it warranted. And I know she can be bossy and she gets in trouble for that. But I've yet to have anyone be able to give me an example of her being mean whether its said nicely or not.

Now that's interesting. I'm sure (as you are) that your DD is not an innocent victim in this situation, but the fact that someone would tell you she is an instigator, and yet not be able to give an example, is suspicious IMHO. I have a relative who is an instigator and frequently gets her sibling in trouble, and if I had the opportunity, I could give her parents multiple, specific examples. How can anyone call her an instigator and yet not have a single story?

 

[mjkacmom]

The girls love each other, that is great. At the moment, dd14 loathes all of her siblings, and says very hateful things, that they don't deserve. I remember doing the same to my sister when I was younger (and one ugly incident of trying to hairspray her to the floor before school). Tattling and being bossy is a HUGE annoyance - it makes me cringe, even as an adult (plus whining - another nails on the blackboard tendency some kids have). My kids have/had friends who tattled and/or were bossy - us moms know who they are, and will vent about those kids to others, so I know I'm not the only one who is bothered by it.

I don't know what you consider to be normal sibling bickering, since your dd has been an only child for a long time. I have boys, so it can even get very physical, in addition to hurtful comments. I can't imagine my kids treating their friends the same way they treat their siblings when they are angry. Home and siblings provide a safe haven, an outlet for some bad feelings. Especially for your niece - she is probably going to get much worse before she gets better. Once they hit double digits, and hormones are a factor, it can get ugly. Your dd will be next.

 

[kt_mom]

@ Tiger – Sis has owed me $250 for over 4 years. I know that I will never see that money again. I will also not loan any additional money. We do frequently loan money to my parents which I don’t mind so much but it does get frustrating when I know that if my sis would just do a little on her end things wouldn’t be so hard on my mom and dad. But again, I didn’t really want to open the money can of worms. I’m frustrated about the xbox because I know that in a month she will be broke and angry and miserable to be around again when just a little bit of forward thinking and planning and she could be less stressed and more pleasant to be around. I also know that my DN needs uniforms for school and spring clothes and stuff. All stuff my parents will have to buy for her. But sis did buy her a new pair of Nike shox and a purse from justice. Which is great and I’m sure that it made DN very happy and she got to go shopping with her mom which is actually a great thing and probably made her feel better then anything she could have bought her. But sometimes we can’t just buy the fun stuff, we need to buy the everyday needs and then if there’s leftovers we can buy the fun stuff. I also know that my dad would have really liked it if she had bought herself a car so she could quit using his. But my DH wasn’t able to find her a car right away and like I said the money was burning a hole in her pocket.

 

[kt_mom]

@ magic mom – it’s not that I don’t want my niece to have nice things. Of course I do. What I don’t like is that feeling of having to have what the other one has that is promoted so heavily by them. I spent my entire car ride this morning explaining to DD why she would not be getting an Xbox. I know that in a week at our house it would be forgotten and a waste of money. It’s a really neat toy and I’m sure it’s a lot of fun. But I’m not going to give in and get one just because they did. The opposite would not hold true though. In this case DN will play it way more than DD would and will probably really enjoy it. I’ve had my mom actually get angry with me because I purchased something for my DD once and I didn’t call her from the store to see if she wanted me to get one for DN. And that was not a onetime event. That has thankfully stopped after several heated discussions between my mother and I. DH and I are working hard to teach our DD that you don’t always get what you want and that you don’t get things just because someone else does. It just gets hard when she sees the exact opposite in play. I know that in the end DD will hopefully learn a valuable lesson from this. But its hard when every time DD gets something new DN has it within days. But DN also gets lots of new things and we do not go out and buy them for DD.

 

[kt_mom]

@wall e1 – let me be clear then. I know that DD is a little girl and capable of being a little girl and bickering and being a little bossy and I KNOW she ‘s a tattle tale. What I have trouble believing is that she is capable of being mean in the way that DN is to her. To me there is a distinct difference in being a tattle tale and pushing someone in the face. Between telling you its gross to toot on someone and telling someone they are stupid. One is normal childish bickering which they both do the other is mean. And DD’s natural response when DN upsets her is to cry. She’s overly sensitive and although this can be annoying I would not consider it mean. DN natural response is to lash out and either say something hateful, or push DD or something along those lines. My sister should probably feel guilty for not being around as much as she should but not because she’s going to school and working. More because she stays out til all hours of the night and then is to tired/hungover/lazy to get up and do anything with her daughter most of the time. The reason my parents can’t count on her to help take the girls to school is that even if she agreed to they can’t count on the fact that she’ll be there in the morning. She has moved out and left DN twice to go live with her boyfriend. I could go on and on but yea I guess maybe I am a little bitter. It sucks to watch your parents struggle and both girls suffer in a sense from her repeated crappy decisions. My parents have custody of DN. They say this is the last chance sis has to get her act together and its only because she’s going back to school. But they said that last time too. She had a decent job at a insurance company a couple years ago but she lost it because she couldn’t show up to work on time. She had a decent job at the dealership once too that we got her but she lost that because she just didn’t show up to work one day with no explanation. I could go on and on. Please don’t tell me to cut her some slack because that’s what everyone has been doing since DN was born and obviously it’s not the right approach. She’s doing good in school this time and hopefully it will pay off in the end. But the truth is that all the diplomas in the world won’t help you hold down a job if you can’t be bothered to get up and go to work on time in the morning or if you show up hungover all the time.

And I don’t mean anything mean to DN about not having friends at school but it’s not exaggerated. And DH and I both have wondered if she doesn’t act the same way with the kids at school and that has something to do with it. It’s not mean, its concern.

 

[kt_mom]

The girls love each other, that is great. At the moment, dd14 loathes all of her siblings, and says very hateful things, that they don't deserve. I remember doing the same to my sister when I was younger (and one ugly incident of trying to hairspray her to the floor before school). Tattling and being bossy is a HUGE annoyance - it makes me cringe, even as an adult (plus whining - another nails on the blackboard tendency some kids have). My kids have/had friends who tattled and/or were bossy - us moms know who they are, and will vent about those kids to others, so I know I'm not the only one who is bothered by it.

I don't know what you consider to be normal sibling bickering, since your dd has been an only child for a long time. I have boys, so it can even get very physical, in addition to hurtful comments. I can't imagine my kids treating their friends the same way they treat their siblings when they are angry. Home and siblings provide a safe haven, an outlet for some bad feelings. Especially for your niece - she is probably going to get much worse before she gets better. Once they hit double digits, and hormones are a factor, it can get ugly. Your dd will be next.

I have a sibling and we have always bickered. I do know that my parents didn't tolerate us being hateful to eachother. And I've watched these two girls grow up in very close proximity and argue like siblings sometimes. I want the bickering to stop but my the hateful behavior is a huge concern. Yes tattling and whining are a HUGE annoyance but in my opinion not comparable to pushing and hateful words.

And yes, I do think that my DN has the same attitude with other kids. I think she's mean and short tempered and says things that probably turn the kids off at school.

I'm not saying my kid is a saint although I think she's a pretty good kid. But I think my DN has some issues that need to be resolved except no one but us is concerned about them. Everyone else just wants to keep buying her stuff to make themselves feel better and ignore the real issues. Saying that my kid can be annoying too doesn't change the real problem it just helps you take the focus off of DN.

 

[bellarella]

One thing I don't think has really been addressed yet is the burden (yes burden) you are putting on your parents by having them take care of your children. This isn't the way to give your children a "normal" relationship with their grandparents.

Your parents have already raised their children. Now they are in the position of raising your sister's child. Now that's not fair to them. But, as you've acknowledged, there seem to be some issues between you and your sister and I'm guessing that you feel it's not fair to *you* that they are surrogate parents to her child and not taking care of yours. If that's the case, I would wipe such thoughts from your mind. That your parents are being taken advantage of by your sister doesn't put them in the position of owing you a duty to take advantage of them too.

Mixing money and shifting the lines between grandparent and primary care giver is never a way to easily achieve family harmony. I'm guessing your parents are exhausted. I'm sure they have all sorts of feeling of guilt and resentment and love and all of that mixed up. I wouldn't want to be any part of that equation.

Finding other child care arrangements means that you remove part of the burden that has been placed on your parents. It means that you set up clear roles for them as your children's grandparents. It means that you get distance from the drama. It means that your DD and DN get some space from one another. It means you aren't relying on family members that have different views about money to be teaching your DD about it. I would get out ASAP.

 

[kt_mom]

One thing I don't think has really been addressed yet is the burden (yes burden) you are putting on your parents by having them take care of your children. This isn't the way to give your children a "normal" relationship with their grandparents.

Your parents have already raised their children. Now they are in the position of raising your sister's child. Now that's not fair to them. But, as you've acknowledged, there seem to be some issues between you and your sister and I'm guessing that you feel it's not fair to *you* that they are surrogate parents to her child and not taking care of yours. If that's the case, I would wipe such thoughts from your mind. That your parents are being taken advantage of by your sister doesn't put them in the position of owing you a duty to take advantage of them too.

Mixing money and shifting the lines between grandparent and primary care giver is never a way to easily achieve family harmony. I'm guessing your parents are exhausted. I'm sure they have all sorts of feeling of guilt and resentment and love and all of that mixed up. I wouldn't want to be any part of that equation.

Finding other child care arrangements means that you remove part of the burden that has been placed on your parents. It means that you set up clear roles for them as your children's grandparents. It means that you get distance from the drama. It means that your DD and DN get some space from one another. It means you aren't relying on family members that have different views about money to be teaching your DD about it. I would get out ASAP.

I did mention further back that I was looking for childcare for my DS when my mom lost her job. She offered to keep DS. We discussed at length whether this was what she really wanted to do. I offered to pay her as opposed to her doing it for free. I knew losing her income was going to be difficult for them. Later on she asked if I could pay more because things were really tight for them and I said yes.

I also had my DD in afterschool care. When my mom went part time she said she would pick both girls up from school. I told her she didn't have to but she said she couldn't pick up one and leave the other. So she picks up both girls from school.

To be honest I resent you implying or actually outright saying that I expect to be able to take advantage of my parents. I have had alternate childcare in the past and am not opposed to doing it again. This was a mutual arrangement. My mother WANTED to keep DS. She did not want him to go to a stranger as a little baby. Furthermore, DH or I take the girls to school every morning and at least two days a week we pick them up from school. I pay my mom the full amount every week regardless of how many days the kids are or aren't there whether its my fault, the school's fault or her fault.

I understand changing chilcare to get the girls to stop fighting and all the other reasons. But as far as taking advantage of my parents that is not the issue.

 

[bellarella]

To be honest I resent you implying or actually outright saying that I expect to be able to take advantage of my parents. I have had alternate childcare in the past and am not opposed to doing it again. This was a mutual arrangement. My mother WANTED to keep DS. She did not want him to go to a stranger as a little baby. Furthermore, DH or I take the girls to school every morning and at least two days a week we pick them up from school. I pay my mom the full amount every week regardless of how many days the kids are or aren't there whether its my fault, the school's fault or her fault.

I understand changing chilcare to get the girls to stop fighting and all the other reasons. But as far as taking advantage of my parents that is not the issue.

I didn't mean for it to sound that harsh. But I do think that we often expect too much from family members sometimes, especially when siblings are taking advantage of the situation. I'm sure your mom did say that this is what she wanted. But I think it is still good to recognize that even if you are paying, that this is a burden, even if it is one she agreed to, even if it was her idea. Since it's not working on a lot of levels, I think its good to just acknowledge that your parents may be tired and stressed out and even though it was the bargain they struck, the additional childcare might be part of the problem.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I didn't mean for it to sound that harsh. But I do think that we often expect too much from family members sometimes, especially when siblings are taking advantage of the situation. I'm sure your mom did say that this is what she wanted. But I think it is still good to recognize that even if you are paying, that this is a burden, even if it is one she agreed to, even if it was her idea. Since it's not working on a lot of levels, I think its good to just acknowledge that your parents may be tired and stressed out and even though it was the bargain they struck, the additional childcare might be part of the problem.

but although it is definitely helpful that her mom watches her son, I think it is just as much for the mother bc she needed the money since she lost her job.

And I don't think the issue re the neice has anything to do with the parents being tired, stressed and has everything to do with an absentee mother taking advantage of everyone to the detriment of her child.

OP, it's time to worry about your family alone. Talk to your daughter and ask her if she would rather do care with your mom or somewhere else. find out what would make her happier.

 

[disneycruising]

I think you have gotten some really great advice from alot of different view points.

I completely understand how hard this is emotionally on you. This in not the way we want our lives to turn out. All you want is the best for everyone. But you can' t do anything to make it right...they have to do it themselves.

Your sister is a grown adult and needs to grow up! There is NOTHING you can do to fix this for her. This is her issue. Truely, you are not helping her if you do 'anything' for her. She expects it! Do not help her in any way. No more money, no more carpool, no more job leads.

Your parents are choosing to live this way...probably out of quilt. This is going to be bad for all involved! You sister will never get on her own two feet, if everything is being done for her. You need to remember that they are choosing to be this way. Your sister could not be taking advantage of them with their permission! You need to understand it has nothing to do with you...they feel bad that your sister has messed up her life.

Your parents might never be the kind of 'grandparents' to you children that you 'dream' of. Because they are to busy being the 'parent' to our DN. You need to allow your children and your parent the to opportunity to create a relationship on their own. One that is not based on just 'caring' for them. I would talk with you mom and ask her what kind of grandma she want to be? You might be surprised by the answer.

You need to take your children out of your mothers care. It is not worth it! It is emotionally...to expensive for every one. She needs to be the grandma again!

I know you probably feel very sorry for you DN . I think you truely want the best for her. But, I think you are going about it in the wrong way. I think, you have gotten to involved in her day to day life. That is your sister's job & now grandmas too. Even if they are not doing it the way you would like, it is there job to do.

I would ask yourself if this is the kind of aunt you want to be? If not find a way to do it differently. I would probably want to be the fun aunt! The person that comes over once a week or once a month and takes her out to do something really fun. I would go over and pick her up and spend time with her "alone". Or maybe just spend an hout playing her new video game. I would also include her in 'my family' sometimes (maybe once a month) ...if everyone can get along. Maybe a friday night movie or game night. I would want her to know that I am always there... no matter what! mYou can't be that kind aunt... if you are playing the parent role.

What was your relationship with your sister like growing up? Do you have any kind of a relationship with your sister now?

I know how hard this is to go through. It took me many years, before I figured out that I need to make some changes, for me to be happy!

 

[lillygator]

is your sis paying anything to live there?

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Wow, I will have a talk with her, but I really hope this is not the case. It would break my heart. I don't see her as capable of being this way, but I also know that sometimes we have rose colored glasses when it comes to our kids even when we try not to.

Of course we do. I think sometimes parents forget that children may have one face for us and another for their peers.

 

[Disney Doll]

I want so badly for my children to have a normal relationship with my parents but its never going to happen because of my sister and her daughter.

You are correct. I am sorry it is this way, but it is true.
What you have to figure out is what you are going to do about it so that it doesn't upset your family (meaning DH, DD, DS & you).

People have given you some good advice.
The bottom line is that the problem isn't really between the kids. The problem is your dislike of the situation at your mother's house.

*Your sister is 27 and should be handling her own life and she is mooching off your mother & father.
*Your niece is favored by your mother because your mother sees her as a victim of your sister's poor life choices so Grandma is trying to over-compensate. Annoying, but very typical, behavior in these types of situations.
*Your parenst are enabling sister's mooching/loser behavior.
*You are pissed because you are the "good" daughter...work hard, married to a nice man, trying to raise a nice family with good values etc. and your screwball sister & by extension, her child, get all the attention. Meanwhile it seems like you are being "punished" in a way for doing the right thing...living a stable life.

DH has a sister like this and when my late DMIL was alive, believe me, she was exactly the same way. DMIL discussed with my DH signing over her house to DH's loser sister because "she & her husband really have nothing & you & your wife & your other sister & her husband have nice houses". And how did we get those nice houses? By working hard and saving our money and paying our bills rather than pissing money away, going to the casino, buying people a million gifts all the time for the "show" of it, buying ex-ensive clothes, only shopping at "certain" stores, only wearing designer fashions and so forth. DH said to his mother "Mom, it's your house and your money and you can certainly do whatever you wish but it seems to me like you're rewarding the bad behavior of not being responsible and punishing the good behavior or being responsible, and something about that isn't logical".

Really the way to fix it to divest yourself of being involved in their day to day life. It frustrates you, it frustrates them, it furstrates your kids.

If I were in this situation, I would make other childcare arrangements for both of my children, spend less time there and be an aunt to your niece by taking her out or having her hang at your house once or twice per month where you could do fun things, monitor her & your DD's behavior and not be involved in all the drama.

to you OP. It's a difficult situation.

 

[Disney Doll]

Send your DS to daycare. Tell your DD that no one likes a bossy tattletale. Take your own kid to & from school. Let your mother & sister work out their own relationship & the care of your niece. Live your own life. Disengage!

You said it much more concisely than I did.

 

[kt_mom]

I have received lots of good advice and have some different things to think about and I appreciate that.

To the poster that asked my relationship with my sis it was fairly normal growing up considering we were almost 7 years apart. Once I was in my 20's and married we kind of drifted apart as I grew up and she was still a teenager. She got pregnant with DN at 18 and just quit growing up at that point. Her mentality most of the time is still that of an 18-21 year old. It makes it really hard for us. We are civil most of the time and I would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with her but we are in two different worlds.

And no she's not paying anything to live there. I think she was giving them about $25 a week but then she went back to school and I guess they said she didn't have to.

Radio - it is partly beneficial to my mom to keep DS and she does count on the money every week. She's applied for disability becuase she has fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthiritis and so she had to stop collecting unemployement. So the money is really helping tide them over while they wait that out. Now DS is getting bigger, and heaver and much more mobile and once she finds out about the disability I will have to talk with her about whether she can even continue. Physically he may just be too much for her and I don't want her to do it out of obligation and wear herself down. For now though I think she actually enjoys spending her day with him and if she could do it for free I know she would.

I don't have to ask DD where she would want to stay I know she would rather be at my mom's after school. And realistically its only a few days a week. This week only 3 and on mondays they go almost directly from school to dance and by the time they get out of dance I pick her up. But I do want her and DN to have a good relationship and if they can't find a way to get along then alternate care is the way we'll have to go.


We do try to include DN in things with our family. Sunday we're supposed to go bowling and to dinner with some friends of ours. Our kids are good friends and their DS and DD have birthdays that are days apart. They have both chosen to do sleepovers so we decided to plan something for them to celebrate together. Since their DS can't really come to her sleepover and vice versa. Anway, DN is coming with us and then spending the night since they don't have school on Monday.

A lot of times if we have something special come up we'll invite DN to come along with us. Last year DH got some tickets to go to a local baseball game and sit in the box his boss has. We invited some friends of ours and their daughter and DN to go along.

DH will often bring home a jeep or convertible in the warmer months and pick up DN and take the girls out for a drive. They really love that.

We're not some big meanies that hate my DN. We do truly want what's best for her. And if I thought that taking her in would help her (or even be possible, which its not) then we would in a heartbeat.