You guys are never going to believe this....Update post 79

[OceanAnnie]

I just got off the phone with my BFF and her husband did the unthinkable.
Backstory: When they got married about 20 years ago they made a COLLECTIVE decision that she would stay at home with the kids. He is an OTR truck driver and they felt it was best for the kids. So therefore she has never had a job away from the house.

Fast forward 20 years.
He comes home from the road today and says "Oh yeah, by the way, I baught a HOUSE and I closed on it today. We are moving next week. My poor friend has never even seen this house. She asked him how he baught a house without her and he said since she isn't employed he didn't need her to sign on anything.

I told her that good divorce attorneys have the biggest ads iin the yellow pages.

Do you believe that!!

That just doesn't have an, "out of the kindness of his heart", ring to it. Maybe it's just me. It sounded more like, "You weren't needed in this decision.". What did your BFF take from the conversation? What was the DH's tone and intent in what he said? Did she think it was a put down or, "Honey, this is the surprise of your life!"?

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.

Since your friend is a stay at home mom, would she be willing to drive her kids to the school that they're still at?? She can speak to the school and the school district about allowing her kids to stay in their current school. Usually they'll allow it if the parent is willing to provide the transportation. I did this in high school to prevent from going to the worst school in the Miami area.

Has your friend seen the house yet?? Does she like it??

I hope your BFF likes the house. It's a lot to get over. The secret of buying the house and the secret that the family was in on excluding her. Buying a house isn't something people take lightly. It takes a good bit of time and thought. It's one of the biggest purchases a couple will make.

Well... every little detail?!? LITTLE?!? It's a HOUSE. They (supposedly) now have to MOVE. He is driving, HE won't have to PACK, won't have to listen to their son be sad. Maybe he actually meant it for the best...but what do the in-laws have to say and how have they always treated their DiL? Is this type of behavior (SURPRISE!!! Oh, you're not HAPPY? Why you ungrateful little snit!) par for the course...

agnes!

A huge detail indeed. A house. My goodness. I can not imagine.
What does your BFF think now that some time has passed since she learned the news?

 

[kwelch10377]

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.

Since your friend is a stay at home mom, would she be willing to drive her kids to the school that they're still at?? She can speak to the school and the school district about allowing her kids to stay in their current school. Usually they'll allow it if the parent is willing to provide the transportation. I did this in high school to prevent from going to the worst school in the Miami area.

Has your friend seen the house yet?? Does she like it??

I would somewhat agree with you. When it comes down to it most men just don't think the way women do and they honestly think they are doing a good thing or just don't think what they are doing is wrong. Is this always the case, no, but I think more often than not it is. Yes, this was a HUGE purchase without telling his wife, but we don't truly know why he did it.

 

[agnes!]

... ...but what do the in-laws have to say and how have they always treated their DiL? Is this type of behavior (SURPRISE!!! Oh, you're not HAPPY? Why you ungrateful little snit!) par for the course...

agnes!

Did the OP say that anyone was acting like that?????

No, she did not, but I am interested in the backstory... I am wondering if the in-laws have some kind of ongoing 'attitude' toward the mother of their grandchildren, that's all.

agnes!

 

[Silent1CB]

Is the DH of a nationality or religion that does not include the wife's input in anything?

 

[Luvchefmic]

Is the DH of a nationality or religion that does not include the wife's input in anything?

You know...that's an excellent question...could explain a LOT

 

[mickeysgal]

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.

I find it impossible to believe that comtemplating buying a house, going through the motions buying a house, closing on a house, having enough time to discuss it with his family yet failing to mention it at all to his own wife falls under the category of "every little detail". Yeah, right. Either the guy is a full blown a** and/or he's positioning himself to get out of the marriage. I mean seriously, who does that in a normal marriage?

My DH found our current house but I did come to see it before we made the decision to buy. That's normal. This situation if FAR from it. She really must be under his thumb for him to try to pull off a stunt like this.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I find it impossible to believe that comtemplating buying a house, going through the motions buying a house, closing on a house, having enough time to discuss it with his family yet failing to mention it at all to his own wife falls under the category of "every little detail". Yeah, right. Either the guy is a full blown a** and/or he's positioning himself to get out of the marriage. I mean seriously, who does that in a normal marriage?

My DH found our current house but I did come to see it before we made the decision to buy. That's normal. This situation if FAR from it. She really must be under his thumb for him to try to pull off a stunt like this.

absolutely OR as pp ( post # 64 ) mentioned (and not to condone it but it happens & she certainly would know this about her husband) if he's "old world" thinking then it makes sense AND I doubt OP knows the truth as far as her BFF running the finances if this is the case...never really know what goes on behind someone elses door

 

[wdwfan16]

Is it even legal that he did this. I mean they have been married forever. Isn't their some sort of law or something that would protect SAHM's from this? Can she do anything to stop it short of getting a divorce or is she stuck living in a house that she doesn't even want?

It was stupid of him to do this but she would be just as stupid to get a divorce over this.

Just because her name is not on the mortgage does not mean her name is not on the house. It is a marital asset.

 

[dimimi]

Although my husband would never do this...I am wondering...how old are the kids? Are they just starting school? Also, has she now seent he house? Maybe she likes it? He may have been excited to purchase a home and not have to rent anymore? Just a thought that although it was wrong!!!! he may have thought he was doing the right thing. I'd say most women don't like these kinds of surprises!

 

[DisMN]

Y'all would hate my husband and probably would have told me NOT to marry him. 3 weeks before our wedding he announced he had bought us a house.

It really honestly wasn't that big a deal to me. I simply viewed it as "awww...that is just so darn cool! What a nice surprise...a HUGE surprise!" LOL LOL

 

[Luvchefmic]

Y'all would hate my husband and probably would have told me NOT to marry him. 3 weeks before our wedding he announced he had bought us a house.

It really honestly wasn't that big a deal to me. I simply viewed it as "awww...that is just so darn cool! What a nice surprise...a HUGE surprise!" LOL LOL

I wouldn't hate your husband..my Nana used to say "Every pot has its own lid" if he makes you happy and you make him happy...that's all that matters it doesn't sound like the case here or the BFF wouldn't have been crying to the OP to begin with...right?

 

[rie'smom]

In our state in the 60's a husband could buy property without a wife's signature. My dad bought 200 acres without telling my mom until after he had signed. We ended up moving there and it has been an item of disagreement between them for 42 years.
It shows, IMO, a man who has little respect for his wife.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Others have hit on this but in many states the spouse has a spousal interest in the property even if her name is not on the deed. So if they own their current house and are not renting, BFF can gum up the sale (and probably the purchase, too) by refusing to sign anything releasing her spousal interest in the current house. It's kind of a "nuclear option" here, but the husband pretty much turned his nuclear launch key first by making this incredibly huge decision without even her input.

 

[Inigo]

I'd kill my DH if he did that. When we bought our current house, I found the land and selected a few floor plans I liked, but I made sure my husband saw everything before we purchased. (He didn't sign anything--I used a Power of Attorney and did all the paperwork while he was out of state for a couple months. He did see everything in person before I did so, though.)

My uncle bought a house without any input from my aunt while she was on vacation one time. They had been looking for a house to buy, but hadn't found one yet. When he told her over the phone that he bought a house, she was not happy at first. He knew she'd like the house, however, since it's the house where her parents lived, and where she lived as a teenager.

That's a lot different than the situation the OP posted, however.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.
Since your friend is a stay at home mom, would she be willing to drive her kids to the school that they're still at?? She can speak to the school and the school district about allowing her kids to stay in their current school. Usually they'll allow it if the parent is willing to provide the transportation. I did this in high school to prevent from going to the worst school in the Miami area.

Has your friend seen the house yet?? Does she like it??

You're kidding right? Do you have a husband? I ask because there isn't a single husband or MAN I know who would do something this asinine. Men are not moronic idiots. Oh- and I don't care if God forbid my dh only saw me once a year for 10 minutes he would take 20 seconds to discuss this with me. This isn't some little "detail" he is uprooting his whole family. Oh yeah- his MOTHER knows about it but his own WIFE didn't! Yeah- I don't know what planet that would be okay on but it's not this one. Unless you are a millionaire and are buying a vacation home or maybe even surprising your wife with DVC it is not even remotely acceptable to do such a thing. This is not the "type of thing" that men do. It has nothing to do with "understanding" women. That is an insult to men and women. It is completely disrespectful and I would never trust my dh again if he did something like that.

Oh- and as for the school thing - most places will not let you attend a school when you don't live in that district. You have to pay your school taxes to that district. If you are paying to another district then that is where you go.

 

[rie'smom]

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.

Since your friend is a stay at home mom, would she be willing to drive her kids to the school that they're still at?? She can speak to the school and the school district about allowing her kids to stay in their current school. Usually they'll allow it if the parent is willing to provide the transportation. I did this in high school to prevent from going to the worst school in the Miami area.

Has your friend seen the house yet?? Does she like it??

Umm yeah right. Whether she is willing to drive or not is not the point. The point is her husband made a huge purchase without her knowledge. His telling her parents but not her tells me that he knew she wouldn't agree to the purchase. The spoiled brat wanted it and did it. Oh and if he decided he couldn't pay for the house, guess what, she's on the hook too in most states.

Also, mouse house mama is right. You can't just decide you want your child to stay in a school district just because you're willing to drive them there. It's about taxes that pay to keep the school running. It may have worked for you but it looks like you've been out of school for awhile. Things change especially with the economy and shrinking tax bases. What was ok several years ago doesn't fly anymore.

 

[kellyg403]

In our area, you have to pay tuition and be approved by the school board to stay in your school district if you move. Usually the only ones approved are the moves in the later part of the year. It gets easier to do this in high school when one high school offers a program your current high school does not.

I don't think my dh would ever do something like this..ever. Its just not right for spouses to make large purchases that could effect both parties in the end without input. Its not like we are talking a tv..a house is a huge expense and hey, I want to live somewhere I have chosen to live. And since the dh is gone all the time, it sounds like the wife is responsible for all things around the house, so what if he gets a house with a lot of issues? I would be thoroughly p'od. If I was the main person staying home, I know for a fact I wouldn't pick a house that needed maintenance or was old since I had to do it myself. I wouldn't pick a house that had a 3 acre yard I had to mow by myself.

I just don't find this a 'nice' thing the dh did for the wife. The nice thing would have been to say hey, we can afford a house start looking for ones we can look at!

Kelly

 

[dimimi]

Do we know if the house if nice or not? Is it a good school district? Is it better than the one she is in now? Just curious to hear how the guy did.....yes, to say it again, I would NOT be happy if my husband did this, but perhaps everything is ok.

Many families move where we live. It is not uncommon for either the husband or wife to pick out the house. Yes, I understand that they communicate with each other...but this may work out.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

Well she got to see the house yeaterday. She said it's liveable. It's got more space than the current home they are in and the mortgage is actualy cheaper than the rent they are paying. She is still ticked at him for doing it but she will live with it. She told me that they talked for hours about this and told him how doing this made her feel as a wife, mother and a person. She thinks he finaly "got it". He said that he was really sorry and it just got the best of him. I asked why his mother knew and she didn't and I didn't get an answer so I guess that part is going to be between the two of them. So, the only thing I can do now is wish her the best and be there for her is she needs me for anything. Everyone has to make choices. I guess she is choosing to stay married house or no house.
I want to thank everyone for their responses.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thanks for the update. The main thing is she has come to terms with it and talked to him about it. You are a good friend.