You guys are never going to believe this....Update post 79

[PUZZLDY5]

Is her name going to be on the title of the house?

Honestly I have no idea but at this point I don't think she wants it to be anyway.

How does the son feel? i bet he is upset too

Poor baby he is so upset. He doesn't want to leave his friends. He has one more year at the elementary school and then goes to middle. so that means he would have to change schools twice in 2 years.

 

[Imzadi]

That's odd. Maybe laws are different state by state, but in Ohio, if you are married regardless if you don't put your spouse on the mortgage they still have to sign all of the paperwork.

They own a percentage of the home thanks to the marriage.

My Uncle's wife (brand spanking new, 1 week old marriage) just purchased a house on her own for their family. She was closing on a Friday, and since they were getting married on a Wednesday he had to sign all of the paperwork as well.

I purchased my house before I was married. But when I sell, my husband will have to sign all the paperwork as well.

It seems odd to me...

Maybe you live in a community property state, like CA, where all the celebs make all the money, then the rich soon-to-be-ex-wives can sue them for half if there's no prenup stating otherwise.

 

[Magic Mom]

Since he snuck around her, to get the money, it sounds like he KNEW she'd say no to the house outright. Otherwise, he'd have used HIS money.

Maybe that's why he didn't tell her, because she would say "no." If she controlled the money, and she had final say on decisions like a house, maybe he fianlly got tired of her telling him "no" and he went out and did what he wanted.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

If my husband secretly won the lottery and secretly bought me the mansion of my dreams, I'd be okay with it.

Short of that, not so much.

ITA. Anything over $200.. not so great of a suprise. Even under that

DH would be dead meat unless it was the MOST. AMAZING. HOUSE. EVAR. at a rock bottom bargain price. Even at that, just a phonecall... a phonecall! A text! Something!

 

[kidshop]

Is her name going to be on the title of the house?

It couldn't be on the title unless she agreed and signed papers, right? If your name is not on the title, you do not own the house. It's his house.

 

[ilovefh]

It couldn't be on the title unless she agreed and signed papers, right? If your name is not on the title, you do not own the house. It's his house.

We just sold our house in NH. It was DH's house that he owned before I met him. I was surprised to find out that even though my name was nowhere to be found on any paperwork that I had to be there to sign too. Something about a homestead something or other. Basically I had to sign a paper since I lived there saying I knew he was selling the house and I approved. So, if it is the same, even though her name is not on it he won't be able to sell it without her permission.

We just purchased a new home as well. DH made the offer alone since I was in NH so my name was nowhere on the settlement papers. It is on the deed and I did not have to sign anything for that. So there is a chance he did add her to the deed. I don't know if someone who would buy a house behind their spouse's back would be that thoughtful, but it is an option.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

With an husband like that who needs enemies.
I don't think this is the type of thing I could let go. Not so much the house, but the rationale behind it. He does not think too highly of her if he did not want her consultation on the matter.

OP, was the DH genuinely trying to surprise her with a new house?

 

[agnes!]

As someone else said...

The problems go deeper than not telling *her*. His parents knew all about the purchase!! *AND* they knew about it for a good long while AND YET they neglected to tell his FAMILY about it.

I'm so sorry, I don't know what I would do... well, yes, maybe I would. Suffice it to say, no jury of my peers would convict me .

Would this be a deal-breaker? The wholesale deceit on the part of him and his side of the family is very troublesome...what *else* have they concealed from her?

agnes!

 

[Imzadi]

...what *else* have they concealed from her?

The mistress in the next town over that he wanted to move and be closer to. I swear, this is just like a real Dr. Phil episode. That wife was blindsided, too.

 

[kathie859]

Google "dower rights". It has to do with real estate buying and selling and the rights of spouses. I know KY and OH are dower right states--I am not sure about TN.

As far as the OP's name on the deed, that's fine--even if she's not on the mortgage. Lots of people add/delete individuals/put in trust real estate after the mortgage is signed.

OP...I think you need to assert yourself as a partner in the marriage and calmly express your concerns over DH lack of consideration for your wishes, for the well fare of his son, the going behind your back to his parents for down payment money--there are so many things that seem wrong here I hope you can have a civil conversation with your DH and hopefully make some progress with better communication.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

Google "dower rights". It has to do with real estate buying and selling and the rights of spouses. I know KY and OH are dower right states--I am not sure about TN.

As far as the OP's name on the deed, that's fine--even if she's not on the mortgage. Lots of people add/delete individuals/put in trust real estate after the mortgage is signed.

OP...I think you need to assert yourself as a partner in the marriage and calmly express your concerns over DH lack of consideration for your wishes, for the well fare of his son, the going behind your back to his parents for down payment money--there are so many things that seem wrong here I hope you can have a civil conversation with your DH and hopefully make some progress with better communication.

This isn't me, thank god. It's my BFF. My DH knows better than to do anything that stupid.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Did I miss something, if I did I apologize but have they actually sat down and talked about this since the big "I bought a house" announcement? I can't imagine what is going on in their house right now....is he walking around like a proud rooster that now owns a new hen house & she's walking around pouting and crying to you and starting to pack ? Are they talking ??


She may want to have a family meeting with him and his parents (send the child out to visit someone maybe you if you're close) and really air out the laundry so to speak.....for all she know the parents could be on the deed with him

Never mind Dr Phil this could turn into an episode of "Snapped"

 

[Colleen27]

It couldn't be on the title unless she agreed and signed papers, right? If your name is not on the title, you do not own the house. It's his house.

It depends on the state laws regarding marital property. Here, if a married man owns a home the wife also owns the home, regardless of whether or not her name is on the deed or the mortgage. There are ways for a married person to keep property separately, but the default is the presumption of joint ownership and I believe both spouses have to sign off on any agreements to exclude assets from that presumption.

 

[SandrA9810]

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.

Since your friend is a stay at home mom, would she be willing to drive her kids to the school that they're still at?? She can speak to the school and the school district about allowing her kids to stay in their current school. Usually they'll allow it if the parent is willing to provide the transportation. I did this in high school to prevent from going to the worst school in the Miami area.

Has your friend seen the house yet?? Does she like it??

 

[Colleen27]

I could see my husband doing something like that early on in our marriage because he is the type to go for big surprises thinking it'll make me happy. It isn't a desire for control or anything toxic like that, just his way of showing affection, but it was something we had to set some limits on because I don't like being out of control on major purchases regardless of how well-intentioned he is or how well he knows my likes and dislikes.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.

Since your friend is a stay at home mom, would she be willing to drive her kids to the school that they're still at?? She can speak to the school and the school district about allowing her kids to stay in their current school. Usually they'll allow it if the parent is willing to provide the transportation. I did this in high school to prevent from going to the worst school in the Miami area.

Has your friend seen the house yet?? Does she like it??

Sandra I may even go so far as to say his intentions may have been good..I'm not bashing the guy really don't think most are BUT I would hardly equate buying a house with every little detail and as far as him not being home I GUARANTEE you they have contact with each other...he doesn't go out on the road for 2 to 8 weeks and they don't talk. Even if they don't talk until he's home its a house ! Not Johnny needs new shoes where should we buy them I don't have to discuss this with spouse first.

 

[agnes!]

Geez, just a little harsh on the guy. Maybe he was trying to do something good for his wife. This is just the kind of thing that a guy would think would make his wife happy. They don't always understand that women want to know every little detail. And on top, his occupation probably prevents him from talking to her about every detail of life like another couple that both live at home all the time.

Since your friend is a stay at home mom, would she be willing to drive her kids to the school that they're still at?? She can speak to the school and the school district about allowing her kids to stay in their current school. Usually they'll allow it if the parent is willing to provide the transportation. I did this in high school to prevent from going to the worst school in the Miami area.

Has your friend seen the house yet?? Does she like it??

Well... every little detail?!? LITTLE?!? It's a HOUSE. They (supposedly) now have to MOVE. He is driving, HE won't have to PACK, won't have to listen to their son be sad. Maybe he actually meant it for the best...but what do the in-laws have to say and how have they always treated their DiL? Is this type of behavior (SURPRISE!!! Oh, you're not HAPPY? Why you ungrateful little snit!) par for the course...

agnes!

 

[Luvchefmic]

Well... every little detail?!? LITTLE?!? It's a HOUSE. They (supposedly) now have to MOVE. He is driving, HE won't have to PACK, won't have to listen to their son be sad. Maybe he actually meant it for the best...but what do the in-laws have to say and how have they always treated their DiL? Is this type of behavior (SURPRISE!!! Oh, you're not HAPPY? Why you ungrateful little snit!) par for the course...

agnes!

I LIKE you Agnes

Ruthie

 

[SandrA9810]

Well if they don't talk about the details all the time, he probably did it with good intentions. Maybe his parent's did suggest talking to the wife about it. Maybe he sought out their advice to make sure it's a nice house for them to live in. Maybe he's the one that asked them to keep it a secret.
And like a guy, he probably didn't think of all the moving and packing and all that fun stuff involved. In May I had to do two moves, move my stuff out of the apartment and into a storage unit in two weeks so I could fly out to Dallas to move my aunt in one week. That was not fun and I never want to do it again, so I can understand the wife's feelings about moving.
He just wanted to provide a home for his family, and probably had all good intentions on it.

The OP said that she's known them both since high school days... is this something totally unexpected from him?? Or could you possibly see him doing something like this, but hoped he'd have more common sense than that to do it??

 

[bumbershoot]

She asked him how he baught a house without her and he said since she isn't employed he didn't need her to sign on anything.

OK, well, that's true, without it being ugly. DH bought DVC in his own name...what is the point of me being on the loan, since I don't bring money into the house? (I keep money from flying OUT of the house, but that's different, LOL) The car is in his name b/c I couldn't have helped us get the loan. We're in a community property state so I don't think I even *need* to be on those things, but of course we'll consider it.

But really, that statement might not be as ugly as everyone here is taking it.

Was she asking a "how did you do this" question in an emotional way, like "how could you do this to meeeeee"? And then what if he heard it as a "literally, HOW did you do this?", and answered with a logical reply. "I didn't have to have you sign, you don't bring in money."

Has she talked to him, to get him on the emotional level for this?

DH used to try to surprise me...I don't like surprises, and frankly, I overreact to things...him buying me flowers used to get a reaction similar to what another person would do if surprised with a house (it's not pretty but it's true). If I were a surprise-liking person, and if he and his mom had ever been in a position to buy a house...I can TOTALLY see him and his mom getting together to do something like this!

And it wouldn't be from a nasty place, it would be from a loving, see what I did for you, type of place.

Now, I personally feel taht that sort of surprise is the ultimate in selfishness (see what I did for you has the emphasis on what I did, rather than for you), but I have plenty of friends who disagree entirely with me, and think that such a surprise would be lovely.


But your friends need to have a talk. It's possible he did it because he loves her and wanted to surprise her...it's probable that if that was his reason, he's devastated right now, and can't respond to her logically. If she thinks it's a scary thing, she probably can't be logical. If he went to his parents for the down payment loan they obviously believed in what he was doing, and he probably has them wondering what happened with the surprise. They need to find some place where they can talk through the reasoning, what was behind it, and be logical....and then find a way to talk through their emotions, without battering each other with those emotions. (can you tell that DH and I have had counseling?)

This could be a Bad Thing.

But it also might very well be a person trying to create the ultimate surprise, never once thinking it's going to backfire.



And the school thing is JUST what would happen (if we weren't homeschoolers) if DH still thought that buying a house would be a good surprise. He'd find some fabulous place that his salary could afford, and he would never ONCE think about our son having to change schools. Not once would it cross his mind. And that's why he has me, to be Worst Case Scenario Girl, and think of all the logical things that his emotional brain can't think of!

Is this type of behavior (SURPRISE!!! Oh, you're not HAPPY? Why you ungrateful little snit!) par for the course...

agnes!

Did the OP say that anyone was acting like that?????