Yet Another Wedding Etiquette Thread

[RedAngie]

I'd throw in the Italians and Poles in there with the Latin Americans as well - great hosts, good food & drink. Only difference is with Latin music, it puts you in the mood to party - where with Italian and Polish music, you can't appreciate it until you've had so much to drink that your judgment is skewed.

What, you mean you can't enjoy these sober?????

 

[Bren's Mom]

But if you're out with friends and they go to a place that serves meat and as a vegan your options are to not go in or to make the best of it and find something vegan on the menu, that's totally different than your own wedding. It's her wedding. If there's one time she can pick the menu, is it not her own wedding?

See below

Yes if she's paying for her own wedding. If Dad is hosting the party and paying then he has a say.

Exactly!

I'm torn on this one. On one hand, the father is the one hosting the reception, so I understand the argument that he gets to make the decisions because it "reflects" on him.

On the other hand, I can't imagine myself ever throwing an event for someone that conflicts with the guest of honor's personal convictions or lifestyle. If the person was kosher, I'd be serving kosher food. Muslim, no pork. If the groom was a recovering alcoholic, or he didn't want alcohol served because his mother was killed by a drunk driver, I'd respect that and host a dry affair (as much as it'd kill me ). Allergies to certain foods means all the food served would be free of those ingredients so they could enjoy everything instead of being limited in their choices like they are every other day of the year. If they held religious beliefs that didn't allow for dancing, that would get scrapped as well. I wouldn't tell them that they could just stay seated on their wedding day because, dammit, I want a dance floor. I'd want the guest/s of honor to be able to fully enjoy every aspect of the party being thrown to celebrate them, and I consider the aforementioned examples to be valid reasons to make accommodations.

If the person marrying kept Kosher at all times, and wanted a Kosher reception...no problem. In that case I can see an argument for asking dad to keep the reception kosher, as not doing so might upset the bride. However, if the bride's dad, paying for this shindig, wanted shrimp (not kosher) and knew that his daughter routinely ate shrimp when she felt like it, I could see him say sorry, this isn't the time and place to put your hypocritical foot down. It's the reason I said in my original post that we didn't have enough info. If his daughter is claiming she can't have non-vegan food at her wedding because it's so upsetting to her, but at the same time is going places where non-vegan food is served and managing just fine, AND her dad is paying for the reception, then she doesn't have a leg to stand on imo.

 

[maxiesmom]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Another poster mentioned dancing. Well, then have some of the reception dance free, and a couple hours with dancing. I've been a part of wedding where some of the family didn't drink alcohol and the other side of the family did. No alcohol was served for the first few hours. With food it should be easy, offer at least one meat based dish.

I would think the bride and groom would want to have the people coming to their reception feel cared for and welcomed. Putting your foot down and saying no, I don't eat xxx so you can't either is more Bridezilla then someone looking to celebrate and enjoy their time with their guests.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

If the person marrying kept Kosher at all times, and wanted a Kosher reception...no problem. In that case I can see an argument for asking dad to keep the reception kosher, as not doing so might upset the bride. However, if the bride's dad, paying for this shindig, wanted shrimp (not kosher) and knew that his daughter routinely ate shrimp when she felt like it, I could see him say sorry, this isn't the time and place to put your hypocritical foot down. It's the reason I said in my original post that we didn't have enough info. If his daughter is claiming she can't have non-vegan food at her wedding because it's so upsetting to her, but at the same time is going places where non-vegan food is served and managing just fine, AND her dad is paying for the reception, then she doesn't have a leg to stand on imo.

I imagine the bride wanting a vegan reception has everything to do with not wanting to financially support the industry she's morally opposed to, and nothing to do with not being able to handle the sight of cheese. And yeah, this is technically Dad's money, not hers, but he's spending that money on her behalf, which is where I imagine her crisis of conscience comes into play. She could avoid this by paying for everything herself; then she's free to do it in a way that's 100% in line with her ethics. And, if it turns out she can't afford the whole shebang and ends up having to elope to an island where Dad's not invited... Well, maybe he'll learn a valuable lesson about not offering to throw a celebration for a loved one's milestone life-event if he can't respect the guest of honor's personal convictions in the process.

 

[gwynne]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Another poster mentioned dancing. Well, then have some of the reception dance free, and a couple hours with dancing. I've been a part of wedding where some of the family didn't drink alcohol and the other side of the family did. No alcohol was served for the first few hours. With food it should be easy, offer at least one meat based dish.

I would think the bride and groom would want to have the people coming to their reception feel cared for and welcomed. Putting your foot down and saying no, I don't eat xxx so you can't either is more Bridezilla then someone looking to celebrate and enjoy their time with their guests.

Well said.
That is exactly how I viewed our wedding. I wanted people to enjoy themselves. We had a variety of heavy appetizers and then cake. We also served sodas, wine and champagne. Not fancy, but that was what we could afford and invite everyone we wanted to. And on a related subject, I would have never dreamed of evaluating my friend's relationships and figuring out who earned a +1. If you were single, you got one. End of story.

 

[CPanther95]

I imagine the bride wanting a vegan reception has everything to do with not wanting to financially support the industry she's morally opposed to, and nothing to do with not being able to handle the sight of cheese. And yeah, this is technically Dad's money, not hers, but he's spending that money on her behalf, which is where I imagine her crisis of conscience comes into play. She could avoid this by paying for everything herself; then she's free to do it in a way that's 100% in line with her ethics. And, if it turns out she can't afford the whole shebang and ends up having to elope to an island where Dad's not invited... Well, maybe he'll learn a valuable lesson about not offering to throw a celebration for a loved one's milestone life-event if he can't respect the guest of honor's personal convictions in the process.

The only valuable lesson Dad would learn is that he saved a ton of money. The daughter will learn that demanding control of her father's money doesn't work.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

I can see both sides of this one to a degree. If the bride is truly against the business of meat, etc. and doesn't want to contribute to its success (meaning, have anyone pay for meat at this wedding), then she should foot the bill for the vegan affair herself. But if Dad is paying, Dad gets some say in what the menu options are. Can they come to some middle ground - like no meat or fish but lots of cheese? I'd go to a cheese wedding any day.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

The only valuable lesson Dad would learn is that he saved a ton of money. The daughter will learn that demanding control of her father's money doesn't work.

Maybe so, and that would be best for everyone. My point was that if she has no room to complain about how he spends his money on her wedding, then he also has no room to complain about how she spends her money should she decide to pay for the wedding herself and it not involve him.

 

[MariMama]

I imagine the bride wanting a vegan reception has everything to do with not wanting to financially support the industry she's morally opposed to, and nothing to do with not being able to handle the sight of cheese. And yeah, this is technically Dad's money, not hers, but he's spending that money on her behalf, which is where I imagine her crisis of conscience comes into play. She could avoid this by paying for everything herself; then she's free to do it in a way that's 100% in line with her ethics. And, if it turns out she can't afford the whole shebang and ends up having to elope to an island where Dad's not invited... Well, maybe he'll learn a valuable lesson about not offering to throw a celebration for a loved one's milestone life-event if he can't respect the guest of honor's personal convictions in the process.

Every single vegan is morally opposed to the industry (whatever that means) and is having a crisis of conscience? Not hardly. LOL

 

[MariMama]

Maybe so, and that would be best for everyone. My point was that if she has no room to complain about how he spends his money on her wedding, then he also has no room to complain about how she spends her money should she decide to pay for the wedding herself and it not involve him.

If she chose to pay herself and has all vegan food, I'd be making sure everyone knew that and then probably have a truckload of juicy cheeseburgers delivered so people have something to eat (at my cost, of course).

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Maybe so, and that would be best for everyone. My point was that if she has no room to complain about how he spends his money on her wedding, then he also has no room to complain about how she spends her money should she decide to pay for the wedding herself and it not involve him.

If she uninvites dad to her wedding over this, it shows how much of a selfish brat she truly is.

I believe the OP wrote that she is a "trendy" vegan not a "morally opposed" vegan.

ETA: I meant to quote the post about her eloping and not inviting him.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Every single vegan is morally opposed to the industry (whatever that means) and is having a crisis of conscience? Not hardly. LOL

Lol, wut? Not wanting to support animal slaughter (and the industry that slaughters animals) is kinda up there on the list for why people choose to be vegetarian/vegan.

If she uninvites dad to her wedding over this, it shows how much of a selfish brat she truly is.

I believe the OP wrote that she is a "trendy" vegan not a "morally opposed" vegan.

ETA: I meant to quote the post about her eloping and not inviting him.

The OP says the bride and groom are strict vegans.
Everyone always says to have the wedding you can afford (and I agree). I wasn't suggesting she'd un-invite her father and go on with the day as planned with all the original guests in attendance. I'm saying, if she ends up funding the wedding herself and all she can afford is a two-person elopement or a quick stop at the courthouse, Dad doesn't have a right to be upset, IMO. No pay, no say, right?

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Lol, wut? Not wanting to support animal slaughter (and the industry that slaughters animals) is kinda up there on the list for why people choose to be vegetarian/vegan.


The OP says the bride and groom are strict vegans.
Everyone always says to have the wedding you can afford (and I agree). I wasn't suggesting she'd un-invite her father and go on with the day as planned with all the original guests in attendance. I'm saying, if she ends up funding the wedding herself and all she can afford is a two-person elopement or a quick stop at the courthouse, Dad doesn't have a right to be upset, IMO. No pay, no say, right?

If I'm every crazy enough to get married again I'm eloping so I have no issue with that.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

If I'm every crazy enough to get married again I'm eloping so I have no issue with that.

That's what I did! I don't regret it for a second.

 

[CPanther95]

Well said.
That is exactly how I viewed our wedding. I wanted people to enjoy themselves.

This is what apparently is starting to fall by the wayside. A wedding reception is meant to be a party for the guests to come and celebrate the married couple. It's not the bride and groom hosting the party - it's a party hosted by the parents and as decent hosts they should throw the kind of party the guests will enjoy.The goal of the host should be to put on an event that is meant to attract as many guests as possible.

Now it appears that some brides are so narcissistic that they want the reception to really be about bringing in people to worship them - or that they should just be so grateful that they were selected to experience this magical event that they should just shut-up and accept whatever the bride feels is sufficient.

To future brides: Unless you are in direct succession to the British throne - and within 2 or 3 spots to the throne - you don't have more than a couple dozen people attending your wedding who are attending because they just must see you and your Prince Charming state your vows. For the vast majority of your guests, they are only there because on the scale of obligation vs. inconvenience - obligation won. The reception should be planned as if it is a "Thank You" to all those guests who sacrificed themselves so you wouldn't be embarrassed with a ridiculously low turnout and shining a light on just how unimportant your wedding is to the vast majority of people. The reception needs to offset the inconvenience and cost associated with attending your wedding. Making guests bend to your will and tastes will only serve to make them more miserable than they already are and will insure that your guests leave thinking your parents have failed miserably as hosts - and will put a depressing dark cloud over "your special day" throughout the entire reception - and for the duration of your marriage whenever the event is reflected upon by anyone in attendance.

The bar set for success is extremely low - all you need to do is have the majority of your guests leave thinking it wasn't an entire waste of a precious Saturday. But as low as that bar is, you better bend over backwards to provide for the enjoyment of all of your guests - in as many ways as possible - if you want to have a prayer of accomplishing even that minimal goal.

 

[RedAngie]

I believe the OP wrote that she is a "trendy" vegan not a "morally opposed" vegan.

.

The OP says the bride and groom are strict vegans.

There really wasn't enough information provided to determine how committed the bridal couple are to veganism. The woman who told the story did use the words "strict vegans," then gave her opinion that they're probably doing it to be trendy.

Maybe I'll ask her if she can find the actual internet story she read.

 

[godders]

It's a tough one - if bride and groom are full on vegans who refuse to buy/use any animal products such as leather shoes, wool jumpers then I think Dad should understand the moral decision his child has made and respect her wishes for a vegan menu because as I'm sure everyone on the community board knows animals are very divisive parts of our society. If this were the case I imagine they would be trying to make their entire day as environmentally friendly as possible. I for one make a very tasty chickpea and peanut butter curry that happens to be vegan and have a few other vegan meals up my sleeve because of my vegan buddy. Seriously vegan food isn't bad if you have someone who does it properly. I genuinely feel that this kind of veganism should be as respected as religious beliefs about food - i.e. kosher/halal.

If she's a vegan purely for health reasons then she should go the more traditional route of having vegan/meat/fish options for the guests because it's not a deep-rooted morally enforced decision

I would love to be vegan full-time for moral issues but unfortunately because of health issues it's simply not possible but I very rarely eat meat (and when I do it's usually fish) and do try to eat vegan a couple of times a week. That being said I can't imagine any of my friends or family objecting to having a full veggie/vegan dinner at my wedding reception because everyone knows I work with/love animals. A wedding without alcohol however and there would be riots!

 

[CPanther95]

If I were ever forced to attend a Vegan wedding, as a wedding gift I would give the bride and groom 10% of the revenue I get from selling $20 cheeseburgers in the parking lot and $1 each chicken nuggets. For $25 I'd sell a dozen chicken nuggets concealed in a small evening bag to go - with $10 refills.

I'd also accept wedding gifts in trade from all the angry attendees and give them 20% of the gift value in credit for food.

If it's a larger wedding, I'd bring a cow with a $10,000 price tag around his neck standing near a sign that says, "Fresh Steaks at the conclusion of the reception for only $5 - Pending Availability".

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I imagine the bride wanting a vegan reception has everything to do with not wanting to financially support the industry she's morally opposed to, and nothing to do with not being able to handle the sight of cheese. And yeah, this is technically Dad's money, not hers, but he's spending that money on her behalf, which is where I imagine her crisis of conscience comes into play. She could avoid this by paying for everything herself; then she's free to do it in a way that's 100% in line with her ethics. And, if it turns out she can't afford the whole shebang and ends up having to elope to an island where Dad's not invited... Well, maybe he'll learn a valuable lesson about not offering to throw a celebration for a loved one's milestone life-event if he can't respect the guest of honor's personal convictions in the process.

The parents are the hosts. They are spending the money on THEIR behalf. If the bride doesn't wish to support the meat industry, that's fine. She can be a Vegan. And her parents have accommodated her with Vegan selections. They have already respected her wishes by providing her choices. There is no lesson to be learned in that regard by the Dad. He's already met his obligation to respect her wishes. And now he's thinking about the wishes of his other guests.

The only valuable lesson Dad would learn is that he saved a ton of money. The daughter will learn that demanding control of her father's money doesn't work.

Well that and he raised someone who is all about themselves.

If I were ever forced to attend a Vegan wedding, as a wedding gift I would give the bride and groom 10% of the revenue I get from selling $20 cheeseburgers in the parking lot and $1 each chicken nuggets. For $25 I'd sell a dozen chicken nuggets concealed in a small evening bag to go - with $10 refills.

I'd also accept wedding gifts in trade from all the angry attendees and give them 20% of the gift value in credit for food.

Sign on the Arby's across the street. Smith wedding guests, We have the Meats!!!!

 

[SMD]

What if the parent paying for a reception decides that they don't like the color that the coupled picked. The bridesmaids' dresses, the groomsmen ties, the invitations and decorations at the ceremony are all that color. Does the parent get to just change that color because they offered to pay for the reception? I don't know anyone whose had a wedding in years where a single party paid for it anyway. How can you say that the money contributed by anyone goes strictly to the ceremony or strictly to the reception. Not everyone who gives money to their child's wedding consider themselves the host of the reception. I haven't received an invitation in a long time that lists the parents as the host.

I used to be a vegetarian, I'm not anymore. But if I didn't want to serve meat at my wedding, graduation party, baby shower or anything, I have a group of friends who support my dietary choices. I was handed my family, but not my friends. If people were joking about selling burgers in the parking lot, talking about talking directly to the caterer or projecting that I ate at a restaurant that served meat in the past, let me tell you who could easily be dropped from my guest list, family or not.