Yet Another Wedding Etiquette Thread

[RedAngie]

From the other thread:

leebee: LOL- I needed a good wedding etiquette thread today!

Goofy_Disney_Dad: You can never go wrong with a good wedding etiquette thread.

Ask and ye shall receive.

On Friday at work, one of the women said she read a Dear Abby knockoff internet story.

Bride's father is paying 100% for the reception. Bride and her fiancé are strict vegans. Bride wants only vegan food served. Father objects, saying she should accommodate non-vegan guests as well. Bride is stubborn and refuses to even consider the idea.

About half the women said bride should be able to do whatever she wants, it's her day, father paying is a gift, etc. Others, including me, say that whoever is paying has some say in the matter, and that if she wants things totally her way, she can pay for it herself.

Any thoughts?

 

[MariMama]

From the other thread:

leebee: LOL- I needed a good wedding etiquette thread today!

Goofy_Disney_Dad: You can never go wrong with a good wedding etiquette thread.

Ask and ye shall receive.

On Friday at work, one of the women said she read a Dear Abby knockoff internet story.

Bride's father is paying 100% for the reception. Bride and her fiancé are strict vegans. Bride wants only vegan food served. Father objects, saying she should accommodate non-vegan guests as well. Bride is stubborn and refuses to even consider the idea.

About half the women said bride should be able to do whatever she wants, it's her day, father paying is a gift, etc. Others, including me, say that whoever is paying has some say in the matter, and that if she wants things totally her way, she can pay for it herself.

Any thoughts?

I agree with you.

 

[King Schultz]

Father should respect his daughter's wishes, politely withdraw his offer, and use the money to go to Vegas.

Problem solved!

 

[MickeySP]

ITA. I think the Bride should also consider her guests. Most weddings I have attended in the last few years offer both options.

 

[gotomu212]

Are they vegan for ethical reasons? If they are, I understand not wanting to serve food that violates their ethical principles at their own wedding regardless of who is paying.

 

[BrianL]

Here's the thing, while Vegans can not eat non-vegan food, a non-vegan can totally eat vegan food. It's not like the guests would not be able to eat anything there. They may not prefer it, but since when do wedding guests pick the menu. It's not a big deal in my opinion.

 

[tigercat]

I agree no problem at all. I would save my money and take a cruise. When my daughter got married we paid for it. We did however have a couple of things that we said we would not pay for. Our son in laws mother tried to get the couple worked up and caused problems between the two of them to get her way. We stood our ground and told her that if she wanted the things added she could pay for it. Didn't have them at the wedding. It was not our problem. They could have had the things if they had paid for it.
tigercat

 

[rwdavis2]

Father should respect his daughter's wishes, politely withdraw his offer, and use the money to go to Vegas.

Problem solved!

Great one! Let the spoiled daughter stew in her own tofu.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

If it's for ethical reasons I can see why she is against it. If Dad is paying he completely has a say. If they can't come to an agreement he should take his money and, like a PP said, go to Vegas or a cruise. I don't think he is being unreasonable.

I'm in a wedding in September. The brides parents were paying for the wedding, but Momzilla took that to mean she had to pick every thing, down to the napkin colors. Bride and mom got into an argument and mom refused to pay. Couple are now paying and are completely fine with it. Momzilla still wants control and offered to pay again and they declined. They aren't even accepting her wedding gift. It's gotten that bad. I think Momzilla here is completely unreasonable.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Here's the thing, while Vegans can not eat non-vegan food, a non-vegan can totally eat vegan food. It's not like the guests would not be able to eat anything there. They may not prefer it, but since when do wedding guests pick the menu. It's not a big deal in my opinion.

Yes you pick the menu but don't you try to accommodate your guests? Have a variety of things so there's a bigger chance there's something everyone will enjoy to eat?

A beef, pork, chicken, seafood and/or vegan dish. That's how I've always seen invites. A variety of choices.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If the dad is paying 100%, unless the daughter can give a very convincing reason why she wants vegan only, I think she should give in and let other choices be there. It's not like the dad wants no vegan.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

So some people will not "gift" their children with a wedding that does not include dead animals? How silly. Vegan food can be served delicious and healthy and even gourmet. Wedding cake can be made without eggs and dairy milk and no one be the wiser.

My sister was shocked when she attended a wedding in Vegas that had an entire vegan menu. She at first protested loudly about the injustice of it all. After the wedding she admitted it was the best wedding reception food she had ever eaten. Oddly enough, at her own wedding we were served dried out rubbery turkey, cold vegetables, and stale rolls that cost her $80 per plate.

Don't give a gift with stipulations. It's just a way of control where you need to butt out.

 

[Liberty Belle]

FYI, I was just at a local wedding on Saturday. We were offered (in our invitation) and choice of beef, fish, chicken, or vegetarian. No vegan choice was offered.

 

[Vernie822]

I am on both sides of the fence. Currently planning my own wedding. We have taken a lot of consideration into what to offer - we're having a choice of beef, chicken, or a pasta primavera that just happens to be vegan. I think you can serve some great pasta/grain options that aren't vegan. Doesn't have to be some tofu or fake cheese or anything. Maybe they can come to a middle ground.

 

[gwynne]

I suppose it's an interesting way to gauge the bride's priorities. Is the most important thing to her a vegan plate or does she compromise to accommodate a basic request from her father?

 

[piccolopat]

IMHO a host/hostess for any event should consider their guests when choosing the menu. As long as there is a vegan offering for the bride, she should include non-vegan choices for her non-vegan guests. Yes, there are many vegan recipes that are delicious but many people rarely eat vegetables, beans, nuts and other vegan staples. In fact, substituting nut milk (like cashew or almond) is a problem for people with nut allergies. If Dad is paying for the reception, he should have a say as HE is the host, not the bridal couple. The couple can always choose to pay for things themselves and do it their way. Dad can then decide whether to gift them something else.

By the way, as for being strict vegans, do this extend outside of their diet, as it does for some vegans? Do they use anything made of leather or silk or other animal products? If so, will they be upset if Uncle Harry shows up with leather shoes?

 

[Bluestars]

Are they vegan for ethical reasons? If they are, I understand not wanting to serve food that violates their ethical principles at their own wedding regardless of who is paying.

In that case, they should decline the offer of the father to pay and pay for it themselves. if you want to do something extreme, then don't expect it to be funded by someone with average views.

If I were the father, I would let them have whatever type of wedding they wanted to have. If I were the daughter, I would either accept the offer of the father to pay for the wedding and compromise on the food choice or I would decline the offer and serve strictly vegan food. She can do whatever she wants to do, but she should realize that sometimes there are a few strings attached when accepting huge sums of money.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

So some people will not "gift" their children with a wedding that does not include dead animals? How silly. Vegan food can be served delicious and healthy and even gourmet. Wedding cake can be made without eggs and dairy milk and no one be the wiser.

My sister was shocked when she attended a wedding in Vegas that had an entire vegan menu. She at first protested loudly about the injustice of it all. After the wedding she admitted it was the best wedding reception food she had ever ate. Oddly enough, at her own wedding we were served dried out rubbery turkey, cold vegetables, and stale rolls that cost her $80 per plate.

Don't give a gift with stipulations. It's just a way of control where you need to butt out.

To me a gift would be "Hey DD, you are getting married so I am giving you 10K. Here is the check. It can be used towards your reception, honeymoon, dress, etc. or anyway you see fit" I have seen this done with coworkers and works out very well.

Telling your child you are paying for the wedding and being a part of the plans, since you are paying for it all, is not a gift IMO. It is me throwing a party for you. I am the host. That means I get to go to be a party of picking the venue, the tasting for the menu, I help pick which liquor for the open bar, etc.

For the record, I have no plans to pay for either of my children's weddings. I plan on paying for a specific part as a gift. Maybe DD's dress or DS's transportation expenses and in that case it'll be completely their choice to pick what they want within reason since it is a gift.

 

[BrianL]

Yes you pick the menu but don't you try to accommodate your guests? Have a variety of things so there's a bigger chance there's something everyone will enjoy to eat?

A beef, pork, chicken, seafood and/or vegan dish. That's how I've always seen invites. A variety of choices.

But accommodate does not necessarily mean serving their favorite things to eat. As long as there is something they can eat and will enjoy I see no issue. Plenty of vegan dishes can be rather good. I do eat meat, but I don't necessarily have to have it nor expect it at every meal. I do have friends that might scoff at a vegan menu, but if they tried it they'd probably like it just fine.

 

[Bluestars]

To me a gift would be "Hey DD, you are getting married so I am giving you 10K. Here is the check. It can be used towards your reception, honeymoon, dress, etc. or anyway you see fit" I have seen this done with coworkers and works out very well.

Telling your child you are paying for the wedding and being a part of the plans, since you are paying for it all, is not a gift IMO. It is me throwing a party for you. I am the host. That means I get to go to be a party of picking the venue, the tasting for the menu, I help pick which liquor for the open bar, etc.

For the record, I have no plans to pay for either of my children's weddings. I plan on paying for a specific part as a gift. Maybe DD's dress or DS's transportation expenses and in that case it'll be completely their choice to pick what they want within reason since it is a gift.

i am doing this for my youngest son's wedding. I gave them a certain amount of money and told them to spend it any way they want for their wedding. If they have any left over, they can keep it as a part of their wedding gift. I think they should have whatever wedding they want. I will give advice, if asked. If not, they can have at it.