Yet Another Wedding Etiquette Thread

[PollyannaMom]

I can see the dad having some say in the planning when decisions are affecting the cost, but I don't think this is about cost at all. If they are vegans for ethical reasons, I think they have very right to feel good about their wedding by serving food that doesn't upset them. If they are vegans for health reasons, I would lean toward having two choices to keep the peace.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

From the other thread:

leebee: LOL- I needed a good wedding etiquette thread today!

Goofy_Disney_Dad: You can never go wrong with a good wedding etiquette thread.

Ask and ye shall receive.

On Friday at work, one of the women said she read a Dear Abby knockoff internet story.

Bride's father is paying 100% for the reception. Bride and her fiancé are strict vegans. Bride wants only vegan food served. Father objects, saying she should accommodate non-vegan guests as well. Bride is stubborn and refuses to even consider the idea.

About half the women said bride should be able to do whatever she wants, it's her day, father paying is a gift, etc. Others, including me, say that whoever is paying has some say in the matter, and that if she wants things totally her way, she can pay for it herself.

Any thoughts?

Technically if the bride's parents are paying for the reception, they are the hosts of said reception. So they indeed get to pick the food and stuff with input from the bride and groom as the case may be. As such, there should be some non vegan food there. Just as it would be bad manners not to have something vegan if you're knowingly inviting several vegans, so too it would be bad manners to insist everyone eat vegan. Dad is in the right here. Bride is in the wrong.

No one's going to perish from eating one vegan meal. They may even...gasp!...like it. It could be an interesting change a pace for a lot of people. Plus, the cranks will be able to entertain themselves for months telling their horror story!

I suppose the father would be within his "rights" to deny funding, but I just can't see this being a hill worth dying on.

Nor will bridezilla perish at the mere sight of someone else eating meat. And there would be no need for dad to deny funding. He could just order extra stuff from the caterer when his daughter isn't in earshot.

 

[leebee]

Technically if the bride's parents are paying for the reception, they are the hosts of said reception, so they indeed get to pick the food and stuff with input from the bride and groom as the case may be. As such, there should be some non vegan food there. Just as it would be bad manners not to have something vegan if you're knowingly inviting several vegans, so too it would be bad manners to insist everyone eat vegan. Dad is in the right here. Bride is in the wrong.

Awwww... you beat me to it! I was just going to say the very same thing! Technically, traditionally, etiquette-wise, whomever is paying for the reception is the host, and gets to make the decisions. These days, often both sets of parents and the B&G chip in to pay for the wedding, so there's probably a new set of etiquette rules for that situation, but as CW4D said, if Dad's paying for the whole shebang, then he's the host and gets to be the decision-maker.

And YAY and thanks RedAngie for the wedding etiquette thread!!

 

[jevs]

Surely, there can be both?

If I was stupid enough to get married again, I would have to cater for people GF, diabetes, and others with dairy and nut allergies plus a few vegos. I would want them at my hypothetical wedding because they're special to me.

OT, I watched 4 weddings US last night (about 6 years behind you guys I would imagine) and there was a wedding with NO alcohol

 

[RedAngie]

Are they vegan for ethical reasons? If they are, I understand not wanting to serve food that violates their ethical principles at their own wedding regardless of who is paying.

If the dad is paying 100%, unless the daughter can give a very convincing reason why she wants vegan only, I think she should give in and let other choices be there. It's not like the dad wants no vegan.

OP here. I don't know if the bride and groom are vegan for ethical reasons. The woman repeating the story she read seemed to indicate that they're the trendy type of vegans.

The father doesn't object to vegan food being served, he just wants non-vegan options available too for the majority of guests who are likely not vegans.

FYI, I was just at a local wedding on Saturday. We were offered (in our invitation) and choice of beef, fish, chicken, or vegetarian. No vegan choice was offered.

That's what I had at my wedding in 1987. The vegetarian option was vegetable lasagna, with ricotta cheese and likely beaten egg in it. Back then, veganism was so out of the mainstream that I didn't even consider it. If there were any vegans present, I suppose they ate the tossed salad and side of potato and vegetables.

Today I'd make sure a vegan main course was available too.

By the way, as for being strict vegans, do this extend outside of their diet, as it does for some vegans? Do they use anything made of leather or silk or other animal products? If so, will they be upset if Uncle Harry shows up with leather shoes?

Us ladies were speculating on that....would the bridal couple refuse a gift from Uncle Harry if he carries a leather wallet?


I'm not a vegan or vegetarian, but once or twice a week I prepare a meat-free dinner. Sometimes they're coincidentally vegan. There are plenty of tasty options. It's not all tofu or rabbit pellets.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I think I'd have to disown any child of mine who refused to eat meat, so I'd be saving all kinds of money. I'd use it to buy more meat products for those that visit my wife and I and are still in good standing.

I raised them better than that!



I kid, I kid. Put those pitch forks away!

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think we don't really have enough info to judge.

For starters, we don't know if the bride is truly a committed, animal-loving vegan. If she is, then it's understandable why she might not want meat served at her wedding. But if, as her dad, I know that she ate at Texas Roadhouse last week because her friends went there for dinner, and she ate a salad, and I was paying for the wedding and wanted to eat steak at this $20,000 reception I was paying for...I'd put my foot down too! Context is very important.

And there is a difference between offering a gift 'Honey, here is $20,000 for you to spend however you'd like.' and and paying for something specific 'Honey, I'm willing to host your wedding reception.'. The latter I definitely think comes with strings and if you accept the gift you play by the hosts rules.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Yes, many people try to be vegan because it is the newest 'in' thing.

Many HS girls and college-age women, and some men as well, go thru the fake vegetarian/vegan phase. A steak, pork chop, or chicken breast for dinner is taboo, yet when out partying with friends, burgers and wings and fish tacos are apparently OK.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Surely, there can be both?

If I was stupid enough to get married again, I would have to cater for people GF, diabetes, and others with dairy and nut allergies plus a few vegos. I would want them at my hypothetical wedding because they're special to me.

OT, I watched 4 weddings US last night (about 6 years behind you guys I would imagine) and there was a wedding with NO alcohol

Everyone should get married once. Once is either bliss or punishment enough as the case may be.

 

[Vijoge]

Vegan to be trendy? That's a new one for me. Reminds me of someone who once said many, many years ago that that was the reason I married a non-white man.

I got the same line when I married a much younger man lol

 

[MickeySP]

Here's the thing, while Vegans can not eat non-vegan food, a non-vegan can totally eat vegan food. It's not like the guests would not be able to eat anything there. They may not prefer it, but since when do wedding guests pick the menu. It's not a big deal in my opinion.

they don't but a good host considers their guests. When I host a party I have many options, including vegan.

So some people will not "gift" their children with a wedding that does not include dead animals? How silly. Vegan food can be served delicious and healthy and even gourmet. Wedding cake can be made without eggs and dairy milk and no one be the wiser.

My sister was shocked when she attended a wedding in Vegas that had an entire vegan menu. She at first protested loudly about the injustice of it all. After the wedding she admitted it was the best wedding reception food she had ever eaten. Oddly enough, at her own wedding we were served dried out rubbery turkey, cold vegetables, and stale rolls that cost her $80 per plate.

Don't give a gift with stipulations. It's just a way of control where you need to butt out.

I don't think her own Father needs to BUTT out. I think he is being considerate of the guests. He didn't ask for dancing monkeys just options.

I know being my DSO eats a limited amount of anything that would be considered vegan, tell us before hand it is vegan. He'll stop & pick up a burger on the way to the reception.

 

[pryncess527]

Yes, many people try to be vegan because it is the newest 'in' thing.

Not exactly the same, but NPR sort of had a story about this just this week.
http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2016/06/20/482046529/are-millennials-chocolate-chip-o-crites

 

[ols386]

The menu should offer both. Vegan and non vegan.

 

[scrapquitler]

From the other thread:

leebee: LOL- I needed a good wedding etiquette thread today!

Goofy_Disney_Dad: You can never go wrong with a good wedding etiquette thread.

Ask and ye shall receive.

On Friday at work, one of the women said she read a Dear Abby knockoff internet story.

Bride's father is paying 100% for the reception. Bride and her fiancé are strict vegans. Bride wants only vegan food served. Father objects, saying she should accommodate non-vegan guests as well. Bride is stubborn and refuses to even consider the idea.

About half the women said bride should be able to do whatever she wants, it's her day, father paying is a gift, etc. Others, including me, say that whoever is paying has some say in the matter, and that if she wants things totally her way, she can pay for it herself.

Any thoughts?

Dad should let her serve only vegan food. I'm not a vegan, but it wouldn't kill me to eat a vegan meal one day. And even if it would, it's ONE meal, I can skip one meal.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Reason #477 why I hate weddings.

 

[SMD]

I think we don't really have enough info to judge.

For starters, we don't know if the bride is truly a committed, animal-loving vegan. If she is, then it's understandable why she might not want meat served at her wedding. But if, as her dad, I know that she ate at Texas Roadhouse last week because her friends went there for dinner, and she ate a salad, and I was paying for the wedding and wanted to eat steak at this $20,000 reception I was paying for...I'd put my foot down too! Context is very important.

And there is a difference between offering a gift 'Honey, here is $20,000 for you to spend however you'd like.' and and paying for something specific 'Honey, I'm willing to host your wedding reception.'. The latter I definitely think comes with strings and if you accept the gift you play by the hosts rules.

But if you're out with friends and they go to a place that serves meat and as a vegan your options are to not go in or to make the best of it and find something vegan on the menu, that's totally different than your own wedding. It's her wedding. If there's one time she can pick the menu, is it not her own wedding?

 

[CPanther95]

This one is simple. Father is paying and is the host, not the bride. Father has an obligation to offer normal food for all the normal guests.

If bride doesn't like it, she can have the reception in a cabbage patch on her own dime.



EDIT: Forgot to add this also. If you are going to have an all-Vegan menu, you darn well better make that clear to all your guests before they have to commit to coming.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

But if you're out with friends and they go to a place that serves meat and as a vegan your options are to not go in or to make the best of it and find something vegan on the menu, that's totally different than your own wedding. It's her wedding. If there's one time she can pick the menu, is it not her own wedding?

Yes if she's paying for her own wedding. If Dad is hosting the party and paying then he has a say.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

This one is simple. Father is paying and is the host, not the bride. Father has an obligation to offer normal food for all the normal guests.

If bride doesn't like it, she can have the reception in a cabbage patch on her own dime.



EDIT: Forgot to add this also. If you are going to have an all-Vegan menu, you darn well better make that clear to all your guests before they have to commit to coming.

It's probably a good idea to let your guests know what's on (and in this case NOT on) the menu regardless of what you're serving - but, especially if it's something out of the norm.

 

[RedAngie]

Reason #477 why I hate weddings.

Well, I'll be sure to start another wedding thread soon so you can post Reason #478.


Yes, if the menu's going to be vegan ONLY, I think guests should be informed ahead of time. (Just like with a cash bar). Not necessarily on the invitation, but pass the word around somehow.