Yet Another Wedding Etiquette Thread

[SMD]

Yes if she's paying for her own wedding. If Dad is hosting the party and paying then he has a say.

Why? If she didn't want to serve food at all at a 4 hour reception or invite 100 people for 50 tables and have people eat in shifts, that would negatively impact the reception. Having a vegan menu is not so far out of left field that he needs to put his foot down for the sake of the guests.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Why? If she didn't want to serve food at all at a 4 hour reception or invite 100 people for 50 tables and have people eat in shifts, that would negatively impact the reception. Having a vegan menu is not so far out of left field that he needs to put his foot down for the sake of the guests.

IMO if someone else is paying they have a huge say in the wedding. Personally I would never pay for the wedding of either of my children so I won't have this problem. If I were to pay I would tell my children that they have to think of their guests and have options.

 

[CPanther95]

Why? If she didn't want to serve food at all at a 4 hour reception or invite 100 people for 50 tables and have people eat in shifts, that would negatively impact the reception. Having a vegan menu is not so far out of left field that he needs to put his foot down for the sake of the guests.

Uh .... "Yes" ..... an exclusively Vegan menu is indeed way far out into left field - if not further.

So is an open bar that only serves wheat grass smoothies.

Guests are just that - your guests. You should at least make a minimal effort to consider your guests if you are going to be a host. You don't have to make your guests miserable just to insure that the day is "all about you".

 

[dotfurio]

I don't see a problem with them having a vegan reception. This day is about celebrating them -why shouldn't they have the reception they want? Guests don't get an input as to music, location, cake flavor, bar choices, etc. Is it really going hurt guests to respect the bride and groom's choice and not consume animal products for one meal?

I don't know why you'd have to "warn" guests. No one ever warned me I was going to be served raw steak or dry chicken.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I don't see a problem with them having a vegan reception. This day is about celebrating them -why shouldn't they have the reception they want? Guests don't get an input as to music, location, cake flavor, bar choices, etc. Is it really going hurt guests to respect the bride and groom's choice and not consume animal products for one meal?

I don't know why you'd have to "warn" guests. No one ever warned me I was going to be served raw steak or dry chicken.

When I throw a party I take my guests into account for all of these things. Our family has a big range of ages. I don't only play music I like. I make sure there's some cumbia for the "old heads." Salsa for others. "Ratchet" music for the young crowd. I try to pick a location that is convenient for everyone. When making bar choices I make sure I have liquor that is a staple in certain countries where a big number of guests are from (Bacardi for the Puerto Ricans, Flor de Cana for the Nicaraguans, Brugal for the Dominicans). When I'm hosting it's not all about me.

 

[CPanther95]

When I throw a party I take my guests into account for all of these things. Our family has a big range of ages. I don't only play music I like. I make sure there's some cumbia for the "old heads." Salsa for others. "Ratchet" music for the young crowd. I try to pick a location that is convenient for everyone. When making bar choices I make sure I have liquor that is a staple in certain countries where a big number of guests are from (Bacardi for the Puerto Ricans, Flor de Cana for the Nicaraguans, Brugal for the Dominicans). When I'm hosting it's not all about me.

I've been to plenty of get-togethers (from parties to picnics) either hosted by, or predominately populated by, both Puerto Ricans and Dominicans (no experience with Nicaraguans). With neither group have I ever not had plenty of satisfactory food or drink options - or failed to have a blast. It seems that some cultures have generally done a better job than others at passing down the etiquette of being a good host - and the relatively simple basics required for a group to have a good time.

I'd throw in the Italians and Poles in there with the Latin Americans as well - great hosts, good food & drink. Only difference is with Latin music, it puts you in the mood to party - where with Italian and Polish music, you can't appreciate it until you've had so much to drink that your judgment is skewed.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

But if you're out with friends and they go to a place that serves meat and as a vegan your options are to not go in or to make the best of it and find something vegan on the menu, that's totally different than your own wedding. It's her wedding. If there's one time she can pick the menu, is it not her own wedding?

No. It is not her reception. Her parents are paying for it and they are the hosts. It is their reception that they are putting on for her, her groom, their families, and their invited guests to celebrate the marriage. And a good hosts considers the guests. Her parents let her pick some Vegan items. And they should also pick some items for their non Vegan guests.

Why? If she didn't want to serve food at all at a 4 hour reception or invite 100 people for 50 tables and have people eat in shifts, that would negatively impact the reception. Having a vegan menu is not so far out of left field that he needs to put his foot down for the sake of the guests.

He doesn't have to put his foot down. He simply can call the caterer and add whatever he wants. He's paying for it. She doesn't even have to know. And yes, considering just 1/2 of one percent of Americans are Vegan, an all Vegan menu with absolutely no non Vegan options is out of left field.

 

[maxiesmom]

I don't see a problem with them having a vegan reception. This day is about celebrating them -why shouldn't they have the reception they want? Guests don't get an input as to music, location, cake flavor, bar choices, etc. Is it really going hurt guests to respect the bride and groom's choice and not consume animal products for one meal?

I don't know why you'd have to "warn" guests. No one ever warned me I was going to be served raw steak or dry chicken.

It is not all about them--when you host people you should take their likes and dislikes into consideration as well. I find it very rude for anyone to demand that their own likes be catered to, and to heck with anyone they are inviting--and expecting money or gifts from.

 

[MariMama]

Well, I'll be sure to start another wedding thread soon so you can post Reason #478.


Yes, if the menu's going to be vegan ONLY, I think guests should be informed ahead of time. (Just like with a cash bar). Not necessarily on the invitation, but pass the word around somehow.

Wouldn't people know it by the RSVP and having to choose their meal though? But I guess that would only work if it was a sit down, plated reception.

 

[MariMama]

Why? If she didn't want to serve food at all at a 4 hour reception or invite 100 people for 50 tables and have people eat in shifts, that would negatively impact the reception. Having a vegan menu is not so far out of left field that he needs to put his foot down for the sake of the guests.

If Dad is hosting (ie paying) he gets to decide. And yes, a vegan only menu is far out in left field.

 

[dotfurio]

It is not all about them--when you host people you should take their likes and dislikes into consideration as well. I find it very rude for anyone to demand that their own likes be catered to, and to heck with anyone they are inviting--and expecting money or gifts from.

When was the last time a wedding party inquired as to your preferences for their wedding and reception? I just don't see how not having a meat dish ruins everyone's lives and guests need to know ahead of time so they can boycott the reception. Does no one eat pasta, vegetables, or salads? If I don't like something that's being served I don't eat it - I'm there to celebrate the couple and dance. The food is incidental.

 

[CPanther95]

Exactly. The bride and groom should be accommodated by what is on their own plate. What other people are eating doesn't take anything away from the bride's special day.

As a general rule, I would never allow anyone who eats tofu voluntarily make any culinary decisions. No, it does not "taste just like chicken" and "yes" you will be able to tell the difference. I would also head for the hills if I saw a menu that was full of quotes used as qualifiers for even the most basic dishes like: "Chicken" Pot Pie or "Sausage" Pizza.

Going all-Vegan at a wedding reception is just a punishment for all the normal people in attendance. It's meant to give them the same miserable experience Vegans have when they go out to a restaurant and are forced to nibble on the few Vegan items available. It's just a way to turn the tables as payback. That's not a good way to treat guests.

 

[CPanther95]

When was the last time a wedding party inquired as to your preferences for their wedding and reception? I just don't see how not having a meat dish ruins everyone's lives and guests need to know ahead of time so they can boycott the reception. Does no one eat pasta, vegetables, or salads? If I don't like something that's being served I don't eat it - I'm there to celebrate the couple and dance. The food is incidental.

Food is only incidental if you didn't promise a meal. If you did, people expect a meal to eat.

... now I don't expect to convince you of this - because I've failed to convince my Italian wife after 30 years of trying - but pasta is a side dish, not an entree. Giving people side dishes only isn't providing a meal - it's giving them a partial meal (and not the important part).

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I'm torn on this one. On one hand, the father is the one hosting the reception, so I understand the argument that he gets to make the decisions because it "reflects" on him.

On the other hand, I can't imagine myself ever throwing an event for someone that conflicts with the guest of honor's personal convictions or lifestyle. If the person was kosher, I'd be serving kosher food. Muslim, no pork. If the groom was a recovering alcoholic, or he didn't want alcohol served because his mother was killed by a drunk driver, I'd respect that and host a dry affair (as much as it'd kill me ). Allergies to certain foods means all the food served would be free of those ingredients so they could enjoy everything instead of being limited in their choices like they are every other day of the year. If they held religious beliefs that didn't allow for dancing, that would get scrapped as well. I wouldn't tell them that they could just stay seated on their wedding day because, dammit, I want a dance floor. I'd want the guest/s of honor to be able to fully enjoy every aspect of the party being thrown to celebrate them, and I consider the aforementioned examples to be valid reasons to make accommodations.

 

[maxiesmom]

When was the last time a wedding party inquired as to your preferences for their wedding and reception? I just don't see how not having a meat dish ruins everyone's lives and guests need to know ahead of time so they can boycott the reception. Does no one eat pasta, vegetables, or salads? If I don't like something that's being served I don't eat it - I'm there to celebrate the couple and dance. The food is incidental.

As I said, a good host takes their guests tastes into account. We are not talking a simple chicken or fish here. We are talking about having a whole menu designed for the couple only. And that is very rude and selfish of them. Most people don't eat like they do. So not only are you either demanding they eat food they are not used to or go hungry, you are also expecting gifts from them. Very rude.

I think if this was turned around, and the couple knew they had a large amount vegan guests, and refused to accommodate them at all, there would be an uproar. They should offer at the very least one non-vegan main dish. And if they dad is paying he has a huge say.

 

[ravenclawtrekkie]

Whoever's paying gets a say. If the daughter doesn't like it, she can pay for her own reception.

That said, I wouldn't care in the least if I went to a wedding reception and all the food was vegan. I've had really good vegan food on multiple occasions. Omnivores aren't required to consume meat at every meal.

 

[Andtototoo]

I know several people who drink nothing but water due to their strongly held beliefs about the unhealthiness of drinking anything else. No sodas, juices, milk, beer, punch... just water. How would you feel if you went to a wedding reception and the only thing available to drink was water?

If my daughter and her groom only wanted to serve water at their reception, I would not be happy. I would not be happy for myself. I would not be happy for the guests. I would be mortified that my daughter wanted to impose her beliefs on others and in so doing, was being a bad hostess. I really do not understand wanting to impose your beliefs/preferences on your guests -- I truly believe that is being a remarkably poor hostess and lacking basic hospitality.

I can also say as an event planner, that I have experimented in offering meat, vegetarian and vegan options for meals, just to see what the numbers are. The meat meals always get a minimum of 75% of the total. Always. And if it sounds like a particularly good meat meal, the numbers go up to 90%. The vegan option never netted more than 2%. So I would view serving a vegan meal as bumming out over 98% of my guests.

I have to say as well that I I'm not picky and will happily eat a vegetarian meal if put in front of me. but I've never had a vegan meal I considered good. Edible, yes. Good? No. I would want to serve my guests a meal that was more than edible.

 

[MickeySP]

This one is simple. Father is paying and is the host, not the bride. Father has an obligation to offer normal food for all the normal guests.

If bride doesn't like it, she can have the reception in a cabbage patch on her own dime.



EDIT: Forgot to add this also. If you are going to have an all-Vegan menu, you darn well better make that clear to all your guests before they have to commit to coming.

Absolutely the last line!!!! And don't be surprised to see some fast food at tables. I know my guy would want something to eat.

 

[mjkacmom]

Food is only incidental if you didn't promise a meal. If you did, people expect a meal to eat.

... now I don't expect to convince you of this - because I've failed to convince my Italian wife after 30 years of trying - but pasta is a side dish, not an entree. Giving people side dishes only isn't providing a meal - it's giving them a partial meal (and not the important part).

At any Italian wedding, pasta is a course served before the main meal.

 

[RedAngie]

Wouldn't people know it by the RSVP and having to choose their meal though? But I guess that would only work if it was a sit down, plated reception.

Yes, I suppose most guests would raise an eyebrow and have a clue if the selections were

1. Roast Chick'n with Tomatoes, Olives, and Feta Cheez
2. Grilled Beefy Mignon with Mushroom Caps
3. Baked Golden Fishless Filet

If you're gonna serve vegan, skip the fake meat products. Give me something like Giada's pasta primavera (minus the grated parmesan) or baked green peppers stuffed with rice, sauteed diced veggies, and kidney beans, and covered with tomato sauce.